ellie

what are friends for

2012-01-29T01:06:00.053-06:00

No freak'n way, the thought was a bit more fowl inside Gilly's head, but Gilly held it in. It felt like an out of body experience, having a stranger at his Mum's door. Especially, this early. He'd stayed up all night playing World of Warcraft. He was kind of in a stupor and smelled of sweet candy Red Bull and a bit of nicotine.

"Are you selling something?" Gilly looked at him bug-eyed.

"No, of course not." As soon as Gilly noted his American voice, he knew.

"Its you?" They'd mostly e-mailed each other. Now they were face to face.

"Can I? Come in?" Jonah asked. "Oh, sorry." He looked a little out of it, too. He offered a hand shake. "Its me, Jonah."

"Huh." Gilly edged the door back a bit. Really, the place was a mess. His mother went on a quick holiday to Spain with some loathing gambler. He supposed she was playing cards, somewhere near a warm beach. He hadn't gotten around to picking up. After all, there was another world he lived in. It was a bit more hopeful than this one. "Well.." Gilly picked up the dirty clothes through the livingroom and tossed them into the tiny kitchen, close to the washing machine next to the dishwasher. "You could have told me you were coming."

"But I like surprises." Jonah told him.

"And I hate them." He'd never had one he liked. His life was filled with bullies and bad jokes. Usually, he was the butt of them.

"It was nice of you to write me." Jonah stood there. Finally, Gilly offered him a seat on the dingy couch.

"Well.." Gilly remained timid thinking he should offer tea. All he'd need to do was boil water, he guessed. "Jules is..is ..an..old friend."

"You must have been a good friend to put up with him." Jonah shrugged.

"I guess." Gilly went around the corner and put on the kettle. When he turned around, there was Jonah right behind him. "So I hear he's mad about someone now. In love, I take it?" Gilly found himself rambling, as he looked in cabinets for tea bags.

"Yes, my sister." Jonah didn't sound fond of it. "She stole him, from me."

Gilly thought he was joking. "Jules was quite the rocker. Or so he thought. Many a lass bedded him, on that idea."

Jonah didn't seemed pleased with the thought.

"What about you? You seeing anyone?" Jonah asked.

"Me? Heavens no." Now Gilly wished he hadn't said it. Perhaps he didn't need anyone. Yet there was the game to play and that felt enough at the moment. Why did Jonah have to be messing up his day?

battling the cold

2012-01-28T02:05:00.027-06:00

"Shite." Jules held under his breath. No telling how long ago he'd gotten the text from Jonah.

"What is it?" Willow winced. The show was over and they were huddled together as the doors of the concert lead them out into the bitter cold. Steam came off their backs as if they'd been in a sauna.

"Its Jonah." Jules couldn't lie to her.

"What does he want?" She winced as she looked at the strange text.

"Not what he wants, he went..he went to see someone." Jules squinted.

"What have you done?" Willow wanted to know. "I didn't think you'd ..you'd communicate with him, especially, behind my back." She swelled a frown.

"Its not like that." He tried to plead his case. "All right, I guess it is. Its just..well, one day, he's gonna need us. And, and I'm trying to be a mate, OK?"

She kept eye-balling him, that he needed to explain this.

"I just thought, he should get out more. And, and I have this old school mate, who needs a good mate. Look, Gilly's all alone. I just thought, they..they might be good for each other. I guess they hit it off. Maybe." He shrugged.

Willow rolled her eyes at that. "How could Jonah hit it off, with anyone?"

"He needs to try. Maybe..maybe this Ste will take notice of him. I know Jonah thinks the world of Ste." Jules hugged her close as they stepped into the crunch snow toward her car.

"So now you're playing cupid?" She put him on the spot.

"I just want him to know, that we still care." Jules simplified it. But he wasn't so sure how simple it would be.

one foot in front of the other

2012-01-27T01:04:00.030-06:00

I AM DOING IT.

Jonah texted Jules. He went by train and then fed Gilly's address into the GPS of his phone. Yes, two hours later he was in fact on Gilly's street. Jonah smiled with satisfaction. He'd taken a leap.

Jonah had been amused by Gilly's e-mails. They did have Jules in common. He liked hearing about the good old days. It would be exciting. Well, he kept telling himself this the entire trip. And he worked on his social skills too. He didn't try to be as arrogant as his sister always informed him of his personality. He kept his voice playful and not so harsh. He didn't want to be so cold. Although, he felt a little under-dressed for this trip. He looked his best in his black overcoat. Really, it wasn't that warm for January. Especially, in the country. Perhaps it was just warmer in the city, he was not thinking ahead as he was doing his best to find his way to Gilly's.

It seemed strange that Jules came from this place. It wasn't at all like he expected. Really, it was so quaint. A pub on every corner, but there were brownstones beneath the newer apartments. A part of him wondered just how close he was to Jules' home. He did want to forget about him, yet..he imagined what it might be like walking in his shoes..for at least a moment.

It was early morning. Make that mid morning. He sighed. This was exciting, but could he really take this much excitement. He'd possibly be let down. How would he react? He really needed to calm himself.

His cell buzzed. How odd? It was a shock to see that Ste was calling.

"Where are you? I went to your room and you weren't there?" There was an urgency in his voice. Did he really miss him?

"Its nothing. Just out and about. Going to see..to see an old friend of mine." Jonah decided to say.

"Old friend?" By the tone in Ste's voice, it almost made Jonah giddy. He could see Ste wasn't completely all right with it. "When will you be back?"

"Dunno. Couldn't be that long." He suspected he'd be home before night fall. Just in time. The row-house before him was Gilly's location. He rang the doorbell. No one came to the door. He rang it again. Suddenly, Jonah felt hopeless, but this mousy-like fellow peeked out. It must have been Gilly.

there are no certain recipies

2012-01-26T02:02:00.028-06:00

Topher thought he'd made some good New Year's Resolutions. Well, he tried. But he really wasn't thinking about them, at the moment with Josie, even if the thought he should.

He looked back at Willow and Jules as the music poured over them, and the lights danced around them in the dark of the concert. He didn't think Jules would be into the concert. Was he just acting this silly because of Willow?

Jules' hands were on her waist and he swayed about as if this was the best concert ever. Topher smiled at them and tugged at Josie's hand. He was doing this slowly. Taking Willow's advice. He was one to rush things. Of course, most of his relationships might have lasted three weeks, tops. He was determined to do better this time.

They were on the outskirts of the mosh pit as they stood in the steamy arena as the bands played on. He thought of what Willow said. "Now would you rather be the guy you'd trust with your own daughter, or just that bad boy, you can be?" That was a lot to think on. Actually, the first part was a bit creepy. He guessed he knew what she was talking about. He knew, she wanted him to get to know Josie, before things got physical. In fact, she wanted him to leave out the physical part, entirely.

As it was, he was beginning to think Jules couldn't entirely be that different from him. And it hurt a little that Willow never took him up on his offer between girlfriends. It almost happened, but it didn't. It was definitely history now.

And he'd been looking forward to going out with Josie since last year which was only a few weeks ago, but still, it felt like a long time coming.

His smile was open with her. Still, he didn't know what to do. Was she really having fun? Well, he'd have a whole lot more fun if he wasn't questioning his every move. Obviously, Jules wasn't, as he bobbed around like a nerd. He almost laughed and decided it was about time he twirled Josie around. It was awkward, but he caught her in his arms. The night was young and he definitely wanted this date to be one of many.

in a fix

2012-01-25T02:00:00.030-06:00

It didn't feel like a lie. Not at the time, when Josie told Derrick she was going out with friends. She knew he assumed it was Daisy and Max because she always hung out with them.

As it was, he didn't have that much time for her. He was busy with another play. He was acting in this one. It wasn't a school play, either. Derrick was branching out in local theater. She knew he needed to focus on this, not her where about. When she'd told him, he'd sounded happy for her. Glad she was going out.

But here she was with Topher and she was ecstatic, in fact. It was as if she'd won a date with a celebrity. Hopefully, she wasn't letting her giddy emotions take over. She was trying her best to be not so happy to see him, yet the fact remained..this was where she wanted to be. With him. And when he held her hand, she couldn't help but stare. She didn't think this sort of thing was possible.

Of course, in the back of her mind was the thought of Derrick. She never thought in the wildest dreams that they'd ever be close, either. At the moment, she didn't want to think how exactly close they were. Derrick did sleep with her these cold winter nights.

Suddenly, she felt sad as if she'd betrayed him. She had.

Now she was lost in the crowd. The excitement of the vibrating music taking a hold of her. Here was Topher, not at all cocky nor too cool for her. He was the most sincere fellow on the planet. Possibly too good for her.

"What's the matter." She felt his warm minty breath on her ear.

"I'm..I'm OK." He held on to her hand as if he would no way lose her in the crowd. She strained for a look at Jules with Willow. Again, it felt like a low blow. How come? How did Willow change Jules into this obedient puppy? They were so into each other. It almost brought tears to her eyes.

It had nothing to do with the fact that she didn't have Jules. What bothered her was the fact that perhaps Willow knew a secret Josie hadn't a clue about when it came to relationships. Was it about sex? Or did she know the right thing to say?

Josie felt as if she was on her own with Topher. It was a bit scary. Wondering, exactly what he expected of her. Did she know what to do? Would Derrick hate her as much as he did... a lot of things in his world?

say its not so

2012-01-24T01:59:00.052-06:00

Ian really hadn't meant to put Lola on the spot, but a few days ago..he spotted her at the grocery store with a baby.

"I..I'm babysitting." She didn't sound so certain of it. Ian just smiled.

"You baby sit?" It just seemed a bit unnatural. Or so he thought. She never mentioned it before, but he could see she was freaked and he hadn't meant too.

"Yeah." Her laugh was a little shallow, possibly fake.

"Well..well, that's great." Ian didn't mean to sound so cynical, but he was pretty sure Josie was being a liar these days about Derrick. Now this. He was sort of shocked.

"Liam's my brother's." She was trying to smile. "Look, look, you should come over. Meet my brother." At that point, Liam was a little fussy and he wanted his animal crackers. She needed to make a quick exit with him. Possibly a diaper change. He'd told her he'd help with the groceries if she liked. He could wait for her. It hadn't exactly turned into a date, but still it was good. He liked that he could help. He wanted to.

But now, here he was all alone with Milo, who was practically in his own little world. He was watching TV or perhaps suffering in his own silence. There were pictures of him, in better times. Ian saw Milo in black and white with Liam's mother.

Ian didn't want to dare go there. Naturally, he rattled off about how he'd been friends with Lola for months now. He was glad to meet him. But Milo avoided eye contact. Ian wished he could say the right thing, but there was possibly no right thing to say.

Finally, Lola returned. Liam was asleep for the night now.

"Lets go to my room." She took his hand. It was as if she'd planned an escape, all along. And she didn't say a word to Milo.

It was there he saw the Christmas lights, and he thought of how she'd decorated Jules and Willow's place. He smiled. It was so enchanting and the low light made her all the romantic sort. Ian looked around. There were shelves of finger nail polish by her dresser. He took her fingers and saw she didn't wear finger nail polish.

"How come you don't ever paint your nails?" He looked at her, up close as if he was finding a whole new girl he didn't quite know, but wanted to.

"Never really have the time." She shook her head.

"Now you do." He smiled and went to find a glitter coat of silver pink in her collection. Honestly, he didn't know what he was doing, but it felt right.

out on a limb

2012-01-23T01:58:00.027-06:00

Gilly was a bit shocked to get an e-mail from Jonah. In fact, he seldom checked his e-mail because most of it was spam, but this was quite elaborate. He felt a tad guilty now, sending Jonah nothing more than a text that you'd have decode what the letters meant that he punched in.

Gilly wasn't exactly freaking out, but he needed to talk to someone about it.

"I heard from him." Gilly blurted as soon as Jules picked up.

"Did you now?" Jules sounded excited to. He didn't have to explain anything to him.

"Yeah." Gilly found himself smiling. In general it was bullies he faced, in the work place, at school. He kept to himself, mostly. "But, he's not like me." He could tell by the letters. This fellow was smart and educated. He didn't know half the vocabulary.

"True, he could take some getting, used too. But I'm sure if you write him back. You'd have a friend. Maybe a best mate." Jules encouraged him.

"He'll think I'm stupid." Gilly was glum at the thought of it.

"No," Jules said. "Stop saying that. Jonah, is..not like that. Think of it, as you helping him."

"How can I help him?" Gilly didn't see that happening. He'd never helped anyone in his life. Or so he believed, even if he did work extra shifts down at the pub, all the time when someone needed a day off.

"Don't put much of an effort in it, All right? Just do what you do. That's all there is to it." Jules told him.

"Easy?" Gilly had really never knew the word, exactly.

sad holidays and bitter vacations

2012-01-22T01:57:00.043-06:00

"How could you?" Milo barely got out the words. Sometimes, it was hard to know if Lola's brother was in a bad mood or not. All his days seem to be the same now that he was in a wheel chair, paralyzed from the waist down.

"You know, he's around." Lola knew what Ian must be thinking. She had a kid, which she sort of did, but Liam was Milo's son, who was only two. And she was his caregiver for the most part. Especially, since her mother was sick, off and on. She was battling her Parkinson Disease. "I can't just NOT talk about you."

Lola hadn't meant to raise her voice, but sometimes, it was great to get away. Especially, with Ian, but she was needed at home. She couldn't possibly keep this up. She was thinking of quitting school. She'd get a job. Although, this was more of a fantasy than anything. It was the thought... what could she really do?

"You'll regret it." Milo's face was so hallow. He was not who he used to be. He was not like this before Liam was born. It was such a sudden thing. A car wreck left him paralyzed. He still didn't talk about it. Of course, it was a sore subject, even now. He and Emma, Liam's mother broke up minutes before they were in the crash.

Lola knew he was depressed. Sometimes, she wondered if Milo found joy, keeping her depressed too.

"Maybe, I will." She wanted to stop the lies with Ian. After all, he was her only friend. She wanted to believe she could get by on art. It was her love. She supposed she loved her family, too. But it was getting harder to accept the fact, they were keeping her locked away, from everything out there. As much as she loved her brother, it was not enough.

an unlikely subject

2012-01-21T01:56:00.024-06:00

It took Jonah most of the month to get the courage up to make the call to Gilly. But it was a bit of a surprise. When he called, Gilly was still at work. He couldn't talk long, but promised he'd call back as soon as he got off.

"You're a friend of Jules', right?" Jonah needed to get that clarified. Of course, he hadn't expected to hear from Gilly, practically at midnight.

"We go way back." Gilly told him.

"Just, how far back?" Jonah wanted to know, yet he didn't want to make this about Jules.

"Before we started school. Always quite cool. Never figured him to move to the States." Gilly admitted.

"Must have been a shock, I guess." Jonah found himself saying.

"He might be dead by now, if he hadn't." Gilly went on to say.

"Are you serious?" Jonah was suddenly wide eyed in bed. Of course, he wasn't thinking of what might have have happened to Jules so much, but an idea for his saga of a story he continued to write. He wanted to know more.

"I would not shit you, he's troublesome." Gilly didn't exactly gush about Jules' adventures.

"How troublesome?" Jonah winced.

"He's not exactly a hero. Never was to me. There were times we'd be on the run. Got his face, busted a time or two, but always manage to look good in the. No matter what." Gilly sounded tired though.

"I'd-I'd like to hear more." Jonah wondered if he could e-mail him. "I like letters. I'd write you."

Jonah was intrigued. Even better, an e-mail pal.

do you know what you are

2012-01-20T01:51:00.068-06:00

Several times Jules wanted to tell Willow about Josie. Yet, he didn't want to make it more than it was. On some days, it was nothing. Yet, he'd wake up in the middle of the night in fear of Willow being furious with him. Still, he wasn't one who wanted to bring it up. Couldn't he just forget?

But the days were getting close. The concert was coming and guess who was going to the concert together?

"Are we really going?" Jules didn't mean to fuss, but he wasn't that amused with the concerts around here.

"Yes, I told Topher, we would." Willow hands were on her hips. This was serious. "I think we should do more couple things."

"Do you, now?" Was this a joke? He was afraid he was frowning. There was no choice but to get happy about it. He guessed. But it was frustrating. And no matter how much kissing might be involved, it was not going to put off the Josie situation.

He pulled her in close, though. They were after all... in their room. Practically bedtime.

"There is something I have to tell you." He said so sleepily.

"What?" She was wide awake, looking at him frantically as if someone stole something from them down at the shop.

Jules nursed his bottom lip.

"It was Josie who gave me the hat." Jules wanted to keep it simple.

"What hat?" How easily she forgot. He wanted to laugh.

"That hat?" He pointed to the black crocheted one, on the hook by the door.

"She made that?" She looked at him seriously. "For you?"

"I dunno, if it was..really for me." He shrugged. "But..."

"But what?" She expected the truth, he knew, from her ever so endearing glare.

"We, kind of went out." He gave a playful shrug and possibly a smile that was idiotic.

"Kind of?" She winced.

"It was nothing..serious." He shook his head. He didn't want it to be. "It was something, that happened, when I first got here, and ..and maybe I wasn't thinking straight..or something." He felt as if he were backed in a corner now and couldn't get out of this gracefully.

"She..she gave you a hat?" Willow sighed.

"I know, but I dunno why. Seriously, I don't." He was a bit puzzled. "OK, I know, she liked me, and..and I treated her terribly. But its..its really not all my fault." His eyes were wide eyed as he thought about this situation with Josie.

"Not all your fault?" Willow kept questioning.

"Look, Ollie, didn't like me around her. He said I was too old for her. I didn't know. I was, kind of homesick..and..and then..I ended up treating her like the ones, at home." He nursed his bottom lip, again.

"And hows that?" Willow festered a frown.

"God, must I?" He squinted hard and turned from her. "I'd get what I want and then say every awful thing I could think of, to make them hate me. Not that I got everything I wanted...from Josie..I didn't." He gritted then as if this was the most agonizing thing he'd ever shared about himself with anyone. "I'd treat them a whole lot like I was with me, Mum..when she'd go on how she'd care about me..I didn't want that." He waited for Willow's reaction.

"How come, you haven't pulled that trick on me?" Willow pursed her lips.

"I dunno." He shook his head. "I feel different about you. I don't want to let you down. That's..that's why I'm telling you this." He sighed then. "I guess that's why I don't want to go to this..this concert."

"Oh, you're going." Her sly grin was a bit of a relief for Jules to see. "And you are going to be nice to Josie."

Jules guessed he suspected it would be this way.

so it goes

2012-01-19T01:50:00.050-06:00

"That's..that's the most hilarious thing, I've ever heard." Ravi kept his serious look as Olivia told him about Scott's accusation. Amber and Olivia together, as in a secret romance of some kind.

"Well, he believes it, or he did." She said while they were packing to leave. "He was so in hopes they'd find out she's pregnant, but thank God, she's not."

Her braid was coming loose, and Ravi was so close to fixing it, but thought it best to just listen. He was anxious to leave. He'd been here two days longer than he wanted to.

Olivia looked up at him.

"I told him everything." Olivia looked a bit sad about it, as if she alone had ruined everything.

"Everything?" Ravi squinted hard. "I don't even know what everything is?" He plopped down on the king sized bed as he watcher her zip up the luggage.

"Amber had an abortion as soon as she left Roger. And..and now she's on all these anti-depressants, which I don't think are all that good for her. She's gained weight." Olivia shrugged.

"I thought that was just, you know, being happy in love and marriage weight gain, or ..maybe pregnant." Ravi knew he wouldn't be in any big investigation soon... back at work, even if he'd been asked if he'd be a school narc. He really did like his job. Even if it were kind of boring. "How did he take it?"

"He's kind of stubborn, but he does love her and I don't think its over. He really wants to be there for her. I knew she should have told him. But she kept thinking it would be so awful. She was making it worse, you know." Olivia did look tired.

"So, you think I can get out of here?" Ravi finally grinned. It was enough talk about Amber and Scott, even if Olivia was a little worried that Amber might not ever speak to her again.

"Highly doubtful, but I'll let you try." She smiled sweetly at him as she stood before him with her suitcase ready to wheel. It was time to go home. He wanted to get home a day early so he could sleep in.

"OK, I've been studying the map, we can go to Las Cruces, then El Paso, up to Pacos, keep going to Ft. Worth."

"We can do all that? In a day?" She shook her head with a smile.

"Maybe." He smiled back and leaned toward her until their noses touched. "We'll take turns driving." After all, they were a team now.

just a hunch

2012-01-18T01:49:00.069-06:00

This was the last thing Scott thought would be happening, getting a phone call that he needed to get back to the hotel for an emergency which meant a drive to the hospital, after all. He was out in his cycling clothes. Of course, Ravi could barely keep up. He'd left Ravi out on the trail to get back on his own.

"It wasn't even hot, out there." He knew extreme temperatures. It couldn't possibly be a heat stroke. Scott was puzzled.

"I'm just clumsy." Amber said from the hospital bed. She'd had a few tests done as a precaution. Now they were waiting to hear from the doctor.

"I wish I'd been there." As if he were a superhero and could have stopped the accident from happening, he would have tried. He hated to see her bruised and in pain. Scott touched her forehead, all he could imagine was the thought of some day of having his own daughter who looked like Amber. He'd felt it the first time he saw Amber. He wanted to be the father of her children. Oddly, he'd never felt that way about anyone he'd ever met.

"I don't think you should worry." She looked away as he pushed his fingers through her dark honey colored hair.

"But I want to. I need to. I love you." How could she forget? Sometimes, he did wonder if she thought of him the way he thought of her. But maybe it didn't matter. He didn't want her doubting him.

"I'm fine." She hugged herself.

Scott sighed, wondering if that were the truth, completely. It seemed lately, she'd been distancing herself. He thought for sure they'd been on the same page when they met. It seemed that way. The way she smiled at him. Possibly, they'd done so much together, early on. But maybe it was the idea of wanting her to want him. He did give her a lot things, just to show that he appreciated her. He wanted to make her happy. But, he wondered now if Amber was very good at faking, being happy.

"Maybe, you're not telling me everything?" Scott winced. What could have happened on that mountain? He then wondered. "This is about Olivia, isn't it?"

"What?" She squinted back at him.

"You and Olivia." He stared at her hard.

"Yeah? She's my best friend." Amber told him.

"Is that all, she is to you?" Scott swelled a frown as if suddenly he knew the truth, and he didn't like it very much.

in the event

2012-01-17T01:48:00.034-06:00

Amber wished she hadn't said a thing to Olivia now. How could she have done such a thing? Make Olivia promise not to tell. She felt sort of head-achy now, and out of sorts.

Of course, Olivia hadn't judged her.

"Please..please tell me..you'll never tell Roger about this, will you?" She begged the next day while they were taking an early morning walk. It was so strange to say his name.

The moment she found out she was pregnant, she put him out of her mind. When they'd talked to her at the abortion clinic, she swore she didn't know who the father was, and it was all very random. She wanted to keep it that way. Yet, there was this burden she still carried, heavy on her heart. She'd kept it from him because she hated him. And because she hated him so much..she...

"He's got Ryan to worry about," Olivia assured her. "I don't see them ever starting a family." The way she said it was as if it were the right thing to do. "But do you really want to keep this from Scott?" Olivia told her she couldn't keep anything from Ravi.

Amber shook her head, no. She felt like clawing her arms, as she pulled down the sleeves of her long sleeve shirt as they walked on a nature trail among the cactus. It wasn't like she was a cutter, exactly, but, her nerves got to her, sometimes. The antidepressant helped some.

"I don't want to talk about it." Amber finally said. She could turn off this emotion. She always did when Scott was around.

"How do you know, this..this is even going to make Scott so furious? He might understand. He might." Olivia reminded her. Amber looked back at Olivia.

Where would she start? They were both Catholic. Scott was very religious. More religious than her. She remembered how proud her mom was that she'd met someone who was Catholic. Her parents adored him. His parents were pleased too.

"I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't have." She felt light headed as if she might faint. She hadn't felt like having breakfast.

Amber went forward, her foot tripped over the stump of a rock ahead. When she stumbled, she rolled down the hill. All she could met were an army cactus.

sister cry

2012-01-16T01:23:00.045-06:00

jackalmanic

The whole roadtrip with Ravi was an eye-opener to Olivia. It was good to see him out of his element. Now she wished they'd traveled more. Still, she realized he was a homebody. He wasn't into hard core mountain biking like Scott, but he did his part to learn the sport the best he could. Scott had him out on the golf course, too..which left her and Amber more time together.

"Now, you're just going to have to relax." Amber told Olivia they needed the sauna and massages.

"But, I am relaxed." Olivia frowned back as they walked the grounds. She was beginning to think Amber was talking about herself. Something was a little off, Olivia thought as she watched Amber. "Is everything OK with you and Scott?"

Scot and Amber's home was amazing with new furniture and appliances. Olivia knew even that couldn't make you happy, completely.

"What's wrong?" Olivia guessed she'd get her nails done even though she'd never had a manicure before and she talked with her hands, all the time. She supposed it would be fitting to have beautiful finger nails.

"We're fine. Just fine." Amber snapped, but it sounded far from it.

"You can tell me, anything." Olivia promised.

"I love him. I love Scott." Yet Amber looked as if she were going to have a melt down on their way to the manicure. She then rattled off the three different antidepressants she was on which alarmed Olivia.

"OK." Olivia waited for Amber to discuss more.

"Its not Scott." Amber shook her head. "Its me." She sucked in a breath. Amber hesitated as they stood on the bridge in the cool morning breeze. Olivia stared out at the beautiful golf courses and the swimming pools.

"I did something." Amber finally said.

Olivia looked at her, wondering what it could be.

"I just didn't want to tell anyone. And I can't. I can't talk to Scott about it." She wiped a big tear on her cheek, with the back of her hand. "I should have told you. I really should have."

Olivia nodded. "It can't be that bad." Olivia squinted as she watched Amber with concern.

"I dunno where to start. I broke up with Roger and I get to K-State." She pressed her lips tight. "I got an abortion."

Olivia tried her hardest not to eye-ball Amber. She hugged Amber for a good long while as Amber cried on her shoulder.

"You can't tell, anyone." Amber told her. "Not even Ravi."

it could happen

2012-01-15T03:51:00.028-06:00

"Jules! Is this really you? Haven't heard from you in ages!" Gilly wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to his so-called mate. "Where you been?" He was shocked that Jules would have kept his number.

"The states. Still here, actually. How ya been, Gil, old boy?" Jules sounded chipper.

"Whats so good about it?" Gilly wasn't sure he could take to listening to all of Jules' fortune. To him, Jules was the luckiest lad in the world. Always up for a good time, anytime, anyhow. Except, Gil wasn't invited to all the parties like he used to. Seems he was nobody without Jules. Always would be. "I'm still busing tables at the pub."

"What? No bartending, yet?" Jules asked.

Gilly was pessimistic about this call.

"Listen, I gotta favor to ask. This American in London is looking for a good time." Jules said ever so clever.

"I don't do good times." Gilly was sullen as ever.

"Hey now, he's in the music biz, you could go for that, right?" Jules so cooly stated. Gilly kept listening. "Just give Jonah a chance, will you?"

Gilly doubted Jonah called, but he guessed he'd wait and see just what this Jonah was about.

Love comes in spurts

2012-01-14T03:49:00.043-06:00

Jules was not going to think of the Josie matter now. Of course, he wondered if he should tell Willow the whole story about Josie, or just leave it alone. Instead, he was still in shock that Jonah called. He didn't know what to think.

Maybe it was just an accident. The phone call. The second time.

Jules was mixed with emotion. He didn't want Jonah hating him, completely. He did want to be there for him. In a way, they were practically family. They could still be friends. Weren't they always friends?

The next day after his phone call from Jonah, when Jules was alone, he called Jonah back.

"So how's it going?" Jules asked first thing.

"What are you wanting?" Jonah was defensive. Jules expected it.

"You called me first." Jules was determined to work it out with Jonah.

"Yeah, so what?" Jonah was mad, but he didn't hung up.

"I think you want something." Jules reminded him that maybe they could still be friends. "Look, I know I've been shitty to mates and all, but..but maybe I can help you."

"How?" Jonah sounded curious enough.

"You and Ste? Mates, I take it?" Jules asked.

"I guess." Jonah didn't sound so sure.

"It could be more, if you try." Jules told him.

"How? I'm no good at this kind of thing. And you know it." Jonah was defensive.

"If you want him bad enough, it could happen." Jules told him.

"How?" Jonah was still on the line.

"You gotta act interested. Interested in him. Make him a mix. Bring him things. Ask him to a movie. Just be there for him. It could happen." Jules doubted any of it would work, but Jonah didn't need to know that.

"I dunno." Jonah didn't sound confident.

"Then, ask someone else out. You might make him jealous. Maybe the other bloke could be practice." Jules suggested.

"Practice?" Jonah sounded as if it might be like pulling teeth.

"You have to try." Jules said. "You can't give up. If he's important to you, then you should give it a go." Jules felt as if he might could help him. Somehow.

"All right." Jonah sighed.

"Now, make sure, you feel comfortable with this other individual. You have anyone in mind?" Jules knew it was a lot to ask. Wasn't like he could point someone out. They were on different continents.

"Maybe it could be someone at work. I wouldn't suggest the clubs. Start with casual conversation. And..who knows, he just might want to kiss you. If he does, you have to let him." Jules smiled, thinking that would be a sight.

"I've never done that before." Jonah sounded depressed, already.

"Then, you have to do it. Its like jumping off the high dive board, the first time. Its a thrill. You'll, see." There was a long silence then.

"Why didn't I let you kiss me..when I had a chance?" He heard Jonah's voice crack.

"Just not meant to be. But you have to keep an open mind, if you're serious about ..not being alone." Jules reminded him.

"Have to make compromises, sometimes..." Jules hoped Jonah understood this. But then someone came to mind. Someone Jules knew back home. "Hang on," Jules thought Gilly would be perfect. "I know someone you might want to meet. He still lives in my village. I'm sure he'd love to come to London."

Gilly was a bit of a lonesome fellow, but he was loyal. Jules knew. He didn't say much. Pretty much as unlucky in love as Jonah.

"Just give Gilly a chance, he's a bit awkward. Not as smart as you, but he knows how to be a mate, at least. You might could learn something from him."

Of course, Jonah wasn't exactly looking for a mate.

"Who knows, you two might hit it off." Jules smiled hoping Jonah might feel his positiveness. He gave Jonah Gilly's number. Jules supposed he better let Gilly know what was up.

far far away

2012-01-13T03:49:00.033-06:00

Ravi didn't say anything when it was decided they'd go to Tuscan to visit Amber and her new husband. Amber's gift to them was a two night stay at a resort which would be a joining rooms with them.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ravi winced at the thought of Amber and Scott, hearing them having sex, or what if they heard them? He cringed at the thought.

"Look, it'll be fun, and besides, we can have our own adventures in Albuquerque or where ever we end up on our way there. Besides, they'd never driven this far alone, anywhere together.

Ravi didn't like driving, all that much. Possibly, it was because it had taken him forever to even have his own car, and he needed it for work and back. It wasn't like it was a lavished vehicle, but the economical sort, a Honda Fit.

After the first four hours on the road, Olivia decided she'd drive and Ravi could read the map. Actually, she was pretty good as a navigator and if she had her playlist of the FREELANCE WHALES going... well, she made good time on the Interstate. Still it took 3 days to get there.

And driving in Tuscan was a different story.

"We're very old school." Olivia told Scott when he found them at a nearby Wal-Mart parking lot. Scott was shocked they didn't have a GPS. Of course, he had a cool new car with all the fixes one would need for any journey. The car could practically park itself.

Ravi, of course, was tired and out of sorts. Next thing he knew, they were parked in front of Amber and Scott's cool adobe looking place, yet modern with rock garden included. They repacked their stuff in Scott's car and were off to the resort.

Amber chatted about the resort. All the things it had to offer, several golf courses, swimming, spas and the places they could dine.

"It'll be amazing!" So there they were. A room with two regular sized beds and a room with a king sized bed.

"Which is ours?" Ravi had never seen so many pillows in his life.

"You two get the king sized bed, of course." Amber told them. After all, they were the honeymooning couple.

Ravi gritted a smile as he put his arm around Olivia. All Ravi could think of was a long nap, right now. He was too tired to think anything else. A part of him felt he must be the worst husband in the world, but then Olivia knew him. Practically finished his sentences.

Even so, Ravi had never been in a predicament like this before. Two married couples at a resort together.

a little goes a long way

2012-01-12T03:48:00.036-06:00

"She'll get over it," Jared didn't want to listen to Jazmin say another word about Rox.

Of course, he didn't like hearing how he was the bad guy in all of this. Of course, his soon to be ex-wife was still under his insurance. And yes, it might have been cold that he took the baby and moved on. But after all, she was in a coma. Wasn't like he could afford to be there watching after her, everyday. As it was, there were her sisters and mother. It seemed to him they were happy he was taking some responsibility with Nan.

But then again, he had Jazmin's help.

"Did she say I was using you, or something?" Jared kept an eye on Jazmin as she was in the kitchen making him a sandwich. She'd already brought him a beer.

"No, of course not." Jazmin winced.

"I can hear her saying it, right now." He wasn't sure he even wanted to finish his beer, but then he saw the hearty roast beef sandwich and the spicy potato-chips. Jazmin certainly knew how to whip up a snack.

She'd changed. He noticed it at Rox's wedding shower. She wasn't the bitch he remembered. Always, getting in his face, sassying him around. He grinned as he bit into a chip. He'd just figured it out. She thought he was hot, even then.

But he kept his mouth shut.

"What?" Her smile broke through laughter. He pulled her into his lap and kissed her below the ear.

"You know me, too well." He whispered. He closed his eyes. He wanted to keep things this way. A part of him just couldn't take seeing his wife, that way in a hospital. Instantly he was sad, yet here was Jazmin, in his arms.

She'd been a comfort during Thanksgiving. A real nice surprise, in fact. Jared didn't think much of Roger, but Leon was OK. That boy just needed some real balls, he thought. Why on earth would he work at a children's theater?

"We gotta get together with that little sister of yours and Leon. I gotta talk that boy into thinking about the police academy." Jared smiled as he tickled Jazmin with a kiss on the neck then. If he couldn't have Rox, he'd just take her sister.

January's woes

2012-01-11T01:47:00.009-06:00

Derrick was a bit peeved that Josie wasn't picking up on her cell. Anyway, he did finally make it home, and he thought he heard something.

He went to wake up Max.

"Shh..." Derrick was as quiet as he could be.

He knew it. Asa was talking.

"I think he's going crazy." Derrick told Max who was half asleep.

"No, he's not." Max whispered back as he rose up on his elbows. "Where were you?"

"Shh..it doesn't matter." Derrick sighed. He could take care of himself. Just their luck Asa was going off the deep end.

"Let Asa, alone, if it helps him, to talk to Amanda, then let him." Max winced hard that it was Derrick with the problem.

Derrick rolled his eyes.

"Do you want to live with Dad?" Max made it sound like a warning. That was the other alternative.

Derrick shook his head, no. There were options. His older brother still lived close by, but he didn't want to change schools now.

"Are you, OK?" Max asked about Josie.

"We're..fine." He didn't say that they were losing touch. He knew it was his fault. He wasn't always kind to be around. And yes, he'd been a jerk, lately to everyone. It was as if this whole thing was a mistake, getting mixed up with Josie. He knew it. She knew it, but neither really wanted to talk about it.

Derrick felt awful sad. Suddenly a dark emotion over took him. He felt as if he couldn't grieve enough or correctly. He felt so numb.

"You really think, he can feel her presence?" Derrick didn't believe in ghosts.

"Yes." Max's voice cracked. "I can feel it some times, too. I do."

Derrick laid next to Max. They were both crying. He didn't want to feel this way. "Can I sleep here tonight?"

Max nodded. He turned away from Derrick. For a moment Derrick wanted to reach for his cell to text Ian, but he didn't.

in the dark

2012-01-10T03:46:00.030-06:00

Asa held it together long enough at Elliot's. Yet, he couldn't leave soon enough. A part of him didn't know what the purpose of any of this was. Obviously, Elliot would never know what he was going through. Penelope must have put Elliot up, to asking him over.

Although, it was good to see Pearl. Even if it wasn't so, he would always feel she was his. She should have been.

Perhaps, he resented this. He didn't mean too. He tried not too. But it was there in his mind like a lump in his parched throat. It hurt, but he wasn't going to bring it up. He could see Elliot throwing the paternity test right in his face about the facts. Yet there was that slight doubt in spite of the 99% sure thing. That slight doubt.

He did his best to immerse himself at work. In fact, there was the leadership training next month in Ohio. He was first at the library to ever get this opportunity, and it was to be paid by the state library commision. He was nominated on the youth library board. It was something to look forward to. He told himself this, all the time, but right now it was the farthest thing from his mind.

Instead, he'd wait. Perhaps it was an active imagination, or just the chance to get through the night, but he longed for a moment with Amanda. He still needed to talk to her, and so he'd wait, and then he'd tell her how his day went.

the waves of the wind

2012-01-09T03:45:00.048-06:00

"So how are you... really?" Rachel asked her sister after dinner while they were cleaning up. Sam was playing with the kids. It was just the two of them. Of course, Ruthie's kitchen was spotless. Rachel didn't know how her sister did it, but she wasn't going to dare ask her secret.

"I'm fine." Ruthie was pale though and she'd lost weight. As it was Rachel didn't think Ruthie ate much of the Shepperd's pie she brought. Rachel noticed Ruthie moving her food around her plate and trying to keep the kids in line during the whole meal. "Elliot and Asa's cousin has been checking up on me."

"I thought he went back home?" Rachel winced. She vaguely knew who she was talking about.

"Oh, he's helping out with the church. Seems someone is planning on retiring and he's helping out until then." She shrugged.

"But its not permanent?" It was good to have someone looking in on her this winter. She supposed. Still, she wondered if Ruthie would pick up where she left off. It would be so easy to be that perfect wife in the church. Especially, if she married a preacher. Rachel wasn't going to hold it against her if she did, but at the moment she seemed content to have someone to talk to.

"I don't think so." She sounded as if he wouldn't be here long. She'd started helping at the church. "I might be a full fledged secretary soon."

Rachel could see the church was helping her. They were letting her young son and daughter go to the pre-school for free.

"Well, that's great." Rachel was happy for her. There wasn't a trace of Matt anywhere in the house. Rachel hadn't said a thing about that. She might never know if Ruthie completely hated him or if she did forgive him. But it definitely seemed like the past now.

oops..I did it, again

2012-01-08T03:45:00.035-06:00

"I still can't believe you did this," Max sighed. The TV was on in the livingroom. He and Daisy were watching episodes of the BIG BANG THEORY, and she had her head in his lap.

"Its not that big of a deal." Daisy looked up at him. "Derrick was just making Josie miserable. I wanted to see her happy. She should have a chance to be happy."

"All right." He wondered then if he was making Daisy miserable, but she kissed his cheek before he could press his lips tight.

"We both know its gonna end badly with those two. And he only calls her, when he needs her. That's what she told me." Daisy informed him.

Max just nodded as he stared at the TV.

She put her arms around his middle and hugged his skinny body, squeezing him with laughter. "You need my Mom's eggrolls."

Now she was tickling him and he laughed. Just when he was sure he had the most boring life ever, Daisy had a way of making everything fun. Her and her family were so kind and a part of him wished he lived there, instead of here.

His Dad wanted to move in, but Asa could only take having him around for a weekend. Max knew. Maybe his Dad knew too. He took a trucking job up north. His Dad couldn't pass it up. It was funny, Max thought, how some people had to keep moving around, and folks like himself didn't want to go anywhere.

twigs and branches

2012-01-07T03:44:00.050-06:00

Elliot meant to call Asa everyday, but he never could. He was afraid, it would be this empty void. He didn't know what to say. Winter was setting in. It was just getting colder, and every muscle in his back and even his legs reminded him of what happened to him last winter.

Then he thought of what he'd put Amanda through. It was the past, but it was something he still could not shake, and he had to wonder..if...

"Well, he's coming to dinner." Penelope woke him up from his dreary thoughts.

"What? Who?" Elliot winced. There she was in the kitchen boiling potatoes. There was a roast in the crock pot that smelled delicious.

"Asa. We need to know if he's eating, or you know. ..You say, you're going to call, but you never do." Penelope shrugged.

"OK." Elliot didn't want to argue about it. He knew it was the right thing to do, but he was so tired and achy. So when the doorbell rang, he knew to get it.

Asa was all bundled up. It took a bit for him to unravel the warm clothing of mittens and earflap hat. Elliot thought Asa was looking old. But he didn't mention it.

"How's it going?" Elliot wanted to know.

"Its cold. Kind of fighting cold chills, but you know, I can't say if I'm really sick. Tired, I guess." Asa sighed.

Sam and Rachel were visiting her sister Ruthie so it was just the three of them. It felt so lonely, Elliot thought someone was missing.

"You did get your flu shot?" Elliot found himself asling. Asa nodded. "The house all right?"

"Well, its got its usual problems, but nothing thing major. Soon as it warms up, maybe I'll put in a new commode. That might help." Asa told him.

"We never did put those ceiling fans in." Elliot remembered. The fans were still boxed in the back of the garage. "I should help you put those in." Although, he couldn't think of getting in the attic himself and doing the job.

"Maybe Max and I can do it." Penelope offered as she brought in the pot roast. She set out the mashed potatoes and boiled carrots along with a boat of brown gravy. It looked really good, but he saw how Asa slowly filled his plate up and then stared at the food.

"I had no idea you knew anything about ceiling fans." Asa finally smiled.

"It can't be that hard. I had to put stuff together, all the time, when I was in the Army." She reminded both of them. "Besides, Max can put anything together." She smiled as if he was the best help around.

"If only I could say the same for Derrick." Asa shook his head.

"I guess he's having a hard time." Elliot imagined.

"I hardly ever see him anymore." Asa sighed. "I guess we have to deal with this, our own way. He's keeping busy with the Drama club." Asa was awful quiet then, as if he was somewhere else. Not here. "I just wish she'd taken a year off, after she had Pearl. I really thought Amanda would have." Asa caught his breath then. He heard Pearl crying from her room. Instantly, he went to her.

Elliot didn't get up. He let Asa have a moment with Pearl, alone.

new beginnings and other thoughts

2012-01-06T03:43:00.021-06:00

"OK," Kyle understood Rox was upset about Jazmin letting Jared move in. "Maybe..its not what you think." He smiled as if it might not be nearly as bad as she thought it was.

"Oh, but it is. I know. He's using her." Rox jumped to the conclusion.

"Well, she might be using him too." Kyle told her it worked both ways.

Rox shook her head as if this just made her sick. She thought he should be with his wife, no matter what. "Isn't that what marriage is about?"

"Yeah." Kyle nodded. He took her hand then. "You just have to let it go. OK? Maybe he felt wronged. He's trying to do the right thing by being here, close to Jai, right?"

She sighed.

Dinner was still thawing in the kitchen.

"How about we order pizza?" He shrugged, knowing she was frazzled.

"I'm sorry," she said about not cooking the casserole she was going to make. "Its just..you know..ever since Amanda.." He saw she was teary eyed. He wrapped his arms around her. Kyle thought of Asa. He wondered how he was doing.

some surprises

2012-01-05T03:42:00.041-06:00

So the holidays were over. It was a new year. It was time for Rox to get down to the nitty gritty of what was going on with her sister and Jared. She invited Jazmin to come over. It was perfect weather for a tea party. Of course, Rox made brownies. Funny, how she thought this was something Amanda would do. She felt happy and sad about remembering her. Rox wondered what Amanda would have to say about Jazmin being with Jared. Would she be on her side? Or try to tell her to let it go, and be happy for her sister?

Naturally, all that melancholy was washed away when Jazmin showed up with an little girl in a baby carrier.

Rox was in shock.

"What are you doing with Jared's daughter?" It was Nan. She was about nine months old and kicking her feet away in the snow suit she was in.

Rox looked at Jazmin wide eyed.

"He got custody of her." She told him.

"How?" Rox squinted. He couldn't see his wife letting him go anywhere with their baby girl.

"His wife is in the hospital." Jazmin shrugged. "She..." Jazmin hesitated. "got shot."

"What?" Rox was waiting for more of the story.

"Jared had nothing to do with it. He was here, with me." She sighed. "She was at a party, on New Years, and..it doesn't look so good. I guess its official they are separated. And, and I said I'd help."

"This is crazy." Rox went to get them coffee left over from breakfast. No sitting around to wait for tea to brew. She shook her head. "You don't want to get mixed up in this." Rox told her as he poured the steaming hot coffee.

Jazmin let Nan out of the carrier so she could run about. Nan seemed fine and pretty used to Jazmin, already.

"But I do. I can't help it. OK?" Rox couldn't believe it. How could her sister get involved with this? Jazmin looked as if she was serious, and very much Jared's mainstay.

Rox got the hint that Jazmin and Jared had evidently hit it off. Although, she remembered a time when her sister kept telling her that Jared was no good for her.

"What changed? I mean, you and Jared?" Rox winced.

"I'm not completely awful, you know. Its been a long time since...since anyone. And Jared got on at the local police department. I think he was having to put up with some stuff, none of us knew this Vanessa was putting him through. She was cheating on him. Her mom was so fed up, having to keep Nan so much. I know she doesn't like it that Nan is here, but I think she's OK with me."

"Really? Are you serious?" Not that Rox had ever met Jared's wife's mother. "You know, her family, might want Nan? Then what?"

"Stop making me feel bad." Jazmin went to find Nan who was quite the inquisitive one. On one hand Rox was happy that Jai could be around his baby sister, but she had a feeling it wasn't over between Jared and his wife even if she was in the hospital, right now.

Forget me not

2012-01-04T03:41:00.045-06:00

Really, nothing much had changed. Jonah was beginning to think. Here he was back in his little studio. Courtesy, of Ste. Jonah supposed. He'd lived here before. Sometimes, Jonah had to admit, Ste treated him like an imbecile.

Jonah supposed that's why he'd left before. He really just couldn't take it, anymore. Of course, Ste called him a genius, many times over. But it kept going back to the fact that Ste thought he might get lost in the city. One of the reasons he lived right above the recording studio. Not that he minded. It was great to always be on time at work. And all his favorite shops to eat and see were just around the corner. He never ventured very far, actually. Although, he was determined to take a train, maybe to France.

Of course, his mother freaked out when he mentioned it to her. As it was, all he had to call his own was his laptop and a smart phone. Which evidently, he didn't think he was that smart with, because he called Jules.

"Hullo."

Jonah stared at his phone. He gritted hard. Why would he do such a thing? He didn't want to speak to him. Ever again. He was still furious with his sister and Jules. How could they have done such a thing? To him, of all people.

Jonah swelled a frown and threw the phone down on the bed. It bounced back.

"Who is this?" Jules voice sounded a little frantic. Maybe.

Jonah stared at the phone.

"Well?"

"Its me." Jonah finally shouted at the phone.

"Jonah?"

"Yes." Jonah didn't know what else to say as he set next to the phone.

"Are you, all right?" Jules' voice sounded so sincere.

"Of course." Jonah winced hard.

"So, you made it then. You're back, got the same job?" Jules asked. These were things Jules knew. After all, Jonah called him at Christmas, even if he didn't talk about his job. Jonah nodded as if Jules could see him.

"So...how is it?" Jules then asked.

"Its fine." Jonah wanted to be cold. He had to be cold. After all, Jules left him.

"I'm happy for you." Jules said, but Jonah found that hard to believe. He'd never felt so sad before, as he looked at the four walls he was to call home. Of course, it had a flat screen TV. A very accommodating bathroom and the wardrobe full of drawers and doors built in the solid oak walls. It was a mini palace, perhaps. But it wasn't home. No one to really talk to.

"Well, I'm not happy for you." Jonah spoke what was in his heart then, and clicked off. He looked at Jules' phone number. He planned to delete it, but not yet.

It could be interesting

2012-01-03T01:10:00.016-06:00

"Topher got us tickets." Well, someone was happy to see Jules, and she was happy not to be working either. Willow grabbed Jules by the beltloops and pulled him closer.

"Tickets?" Jules looked back at Topher who was still cozy with Josie.

"Nobody's watching." Willow promised. She kissed him as if they could leave early, somehow. "Yeah, he wants us to come with him and his date to this really big concert." She smiled more.

"Really big?" Jules squinted with a smile as if he were teasing her now.

"You'll love it. Promise, you won't run away with a band, or anything." She put her arms around his neck.

"Wouldn't think of it." Jules promised.

"So, that must be Topher's date." Willow took a look then.

"I think he just..just met her." Jules shrugged.

"No, I think she's the mystery girl he's been trying to find. Told me how she made him think of that girl on Vampire Diaries. I think that's her." Willow was pretty sure. Toper did like to describe people with people on television.

"Maybe." Jules didn't seem to care one way or another.

"Well, I need to go over and talk to ..both of them. I want to meet her." She looked at Jules who remained so even lipped.

"You do that." He'd mind the counter. But she sneaked in one more kiss before she went over.

something you can't find in a box

2012-01-02T01:28:00.024-06:00

Daisy told Josie where she could find Topher. It was funny how she didn't think of Daisy being a friend, but suddenly she was.

Josie was feeling the need to slip away from Derrick, lately. Maybe he was just too needy. And to think, she never thought she'd be the one to let him down. Yet, maybe she was the weakest link, after all.

She'd done a lot of rethinking during the holidays. It was tough being there for Derrick. At first it was such a surprise. She liked being the one he needed. But there was that word again..NEED. It was absolute needy, she thought now.

Josie needed to get away. Maybe for a bit. Like a vacation. That's sort of what this was. It was snowing out. Even bitter cold, yet she was on cloud nine, thinking about Topher. She might as well have been walking on air when she walked into the coffee shop. There he was, but there was Jules, too.

They were talking amongst themselves. Instantly, it felt like a good dose of poison in the air. Perhaps, she'd back away, and it would be as if she wasn't even there. She'd scurry away, maybe go to the art building. Somewhere else, not here. But it was too late.

Topher saw her and he was adorable. She was swallowed by that friendly smile of his. Yet, she remained timid as she carefully went to the counter in her snowy snowboots. The color of her furry jacket was damp. She really felt out of place.

"What's good?" Her eyes were on Topher, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jules' friendly mood change, he went to check on something in the back.

"Everything, of course." Topher was happy to see her and that alone felt like a warm blanket. She smiled back.

"Where have you been? I thought you were going to call me?" He got her coffee. It was on the house. He didn't charge her for the scone, either. It was quiet then and Jules told him they should sit. He'd watch the counter.

Josie felt a bit woozy, instantly. She wasn't sure if it was from seeing how nice Jules could be or if it was being with Topher. It was so amazing to be with someone who was happy to see her. She couldn't stop grinning. She was probably a fool. He talked about a band he was in. But as she listened, he didn't want her to come to one of his concerts, he wanted to take her to a concert. Some upcoming bands that the lead singer of FALLOUT BOY was producing were coming to town.

Josie couldn't ask for a better late Christmas present.

wake up and smell the coffee

2012-01-01T02:08:00.034-06:00

Jules couldn't help but smile. He'd enrolled into some college classes. They were art classes. Willow managed to get him to take some tests so he could ace out of some basic courses, which he was absolutely relieved about. Honestly, he never knew he was that smart. Maybe he had paid attention, after all.

Still he got up in the wee morning hours to get ready for the day and the campus coffee shop. And Topher was plenty glad to help. Of course, Jules was sure they both lived on caffeine.

"You know, I met this girl. Gave her my number, and I can't believe it. Nothing." Topher mentioned. Jules was half listening. Topher talked about all the concerts he'd gone to over the holidays. The concerts he planned to go to. He talked nonstop, sometimes.

"Yeah, well, you meet plenty. I'm sure one will come through." Jules sighed, thinking if they knew Topher like he did, they'd know he was a little crazy. Possibly, annoying, but Jules wouldn't hold it against him. He went to pull some more scones out. They were getting low. Luckily, people needed something quick to eat, after the holidays.

"But I only want to hear from one." Topher was serious. "I don't give my phone number out, to just anyone."

"Of course, not." Jules knew Topher didn't realize he was being sarcastic. After all, Topher was ringing up customers. They must have thought he was talking about a celebrity. Just as Jules was having a bit of laugh over Topher's enthusiasm, he looked up to see Josie at the door.

Jules thought he might have a heart attack. He hadn't seen her in ages. She was the last person he wanted to see.

happy endings

2011-12-31T01:28:00.052-06:00

Ellie felt a rush of emotion, being at Olivia and Ravi's wedding. She squeezed Lon's arm tighter. It was so warm and cozy inside. Still she thought of Amanda and the funeral and how she'd stayed in the kitchen with Olivia and Syd talking about old times at the dinner, afterwards.

But this was a moment to remember. Everyone was growing up.

"Oh, I think you've grown up the most." Olivia told her after the funeral. "You've got three kids now."

Ellie couldn't help but laugh then. "Well, I only had one of them." She needed to clarify, thinking back on that day. Still she thought of Olivia's mothering. She was still the person Roger went to for advise. Speaking of which, where was he? She now looked around the wedding. He wasn't even here for Olivia's wedding. How could he?

Well, she wouldn't mention it. She listened to the ceremony then. It was quite short, yet traditional. Soon enough Ravi and Olivia were walking back down the isle together. They went upstairs. Music began to play and people mingled.

Ellie liked how the party started instantly as chairs were moved back. There were party foods. Soon enough, she saw her old friend Nick. They hugged. She hugged Heath too. They chatted a little about the holidays. How the winter hadn't been so bad, after all.

There was Amber and her new husband. Thankfully, Amber didn't start in on how the wedding should have been. She was rather quiet. Before they knew it, Olivia was tossing the bouquet, and they were having cake.

"We are really going to have to plan for more dinners this year." Syd decided.

"OK." Yes, they'd slacked off. But it was the holidays, and it was winter.

"No, I mean, everyone." Syd explained. "We should make sure Nick and Heath or there. And what about that friend that moved to Iowa? They should even come."

"I dunno if any of us have a house big enough for that many people." Ellie smiled, but she liked Syd's enthusiasm.

"This was such a charming wedding." Syd sighed. "Makes me want to get married, again."

Ellie laughed at her as they ate cake, which was so chocolate on the inside, in a butter cream icing. It was nice to have such laughter. Still Ellie felt a little sad. They weren't all here. She had to remember that.

This is the day

2011-12-30T01:28:00.036-06:00

Ravi was on pins and needles. His stomach was full of butterflies. And his parents were at Olivia's dad house, waiting for the celebration to begin.

Asa showed up in a tux too. He was ready to do his part. Nick, his best man who he hadn't seen in ages, arrived on time with Heath. Soon enough the house was packed. There were fold out chairs in the livingroom, but some, from work, squeezed in behind the chairs.

They hadn't exactly sent out invitations. But he'd sent a post card at work and Ravi hadn't expected this many. There were their favorites too. Syd and Eric were here so were Ellie and Lon, but no kids to disrupt the wedding.

Just before the music started to play, Ravi noticed Olivia parents, who raised her finally arrived. Ravi felt faint. This was actually going to happen. They would be husband and wife before the new year started.

When he saw Olivia, he knew he loved her all over again. It was as if the past was behind them. Honestly, Ravi didn't think he'd feel any different. It would be just be another day. Only it wasn't. It was a celebration. At it was long overdue. It was pledge to be the best they could be to each other.

There was a tickle in Ravi's throat as he smiled at Olivia. He felt happiness. It was a pure energy that could endure what ever came their way.

thinking it over

2011-12-29T01:27:00.039-06:00

"Did I do this all wrong?" Olivia turned around in her wedding dress by the long mirror in the sewing room where her mother worked on most of her projects.

"The dress looks great." Penelope assured her. There were no puffy sleeves. In fact, Olivia looked quite the princess in the simple strapless gown. Her mother made the white dress full length, but not so where Olivia would trip over it.

"You know, what I mean. Should..should we have just eloped?" Olivia was serious.

"No, of course not, this is just what Mom needed. Dad too." Penelope had to admit she'd never felt as close as she did now, to either of them. And she was sure it was Olivia's doing. "I know you're upset with me. Not inviting you along, when Elliot and I got married. But it was a private thing, you know. He won't admit it, but he is kind of shy. And well, he didn't want his parents making a big to do out of it..since you know, how well, last time went. And..and I was OK with it. It was lovely."

"After all that's happened." Olivia got teary eyed. Penelope knew she was thinking of Amanda. "We were so close, you know. I loved her like a best friend, but then we hardly ever got along. I feel so bad, but..."

"Its OK." Penelope smoothed out the beautiful skirt of the gown. Her mother did amazing work.

"Then to ask Asa. I shouldn't have. Where is my mind?" Olivia was flustered.

"He'll get through it. He will. I'm sure he was happy you asked him." Penelope nodded, thinking Olivia just might wear this outfit all day. She kept looking at herself in the mirror.

"I dunno how I should feel. I thought the parents I always knew would, you know, be here. Be excited. What did I do wrong?" Olivia sniffed. She was crying.

Penelope knew Olivia shouldn't have to choose, but she was glad Olivia chose the right family, because they adored her.

somewhere in the abyss

2011-12-28T01:26:00.034-06:00

"What are you doing?" Derrick didn't think Asa would be home. It was cloudy out and he'd finally found his way home. He'd barely been there for Amanda's funeral. But he needed to wash clothes and maybe have some time to himself. Josie could only do so much.

"I could ask you the same thing." Asa glared at him. He had some papers out on the dining table that he was looking through, but he was typing something on his laptop too.

"Don't you have a job or something?" Derrick was his genuine bitter self. He's avoided his Dad at all cost.

"That I do." Asa nodded as he went back to scratching some notes down and then looking on his laptop. "Look, I'm sorry..if..." He sighed then. "How have you been?"

"What does it matter?" He went past Asa with his bag of laundry and started the washing machine, then. "I'm fine."

"Really?" Asa wanted to know.

"What do you think? This is all your fault. If you hadn't been so..." Derrick's jaw clinched. He didn't want to think about what happened. It happened right here, in their house. It was so cold now. Just shadows. "He was your friend! And he killed MY SISTER!"

He listened to his words. So loud. So true. It was the truth. And there was nothing he could do about it now.

Asa just nodded.

"Your Dad's back. You, you two should talk." Asa told him.

"I'm not talking to that bastard." Derrick cracked up. It anyone was at fault, it was his Dad. It was too late. Derrick would have nothing to do with that old man.

"I just thought-" Asa winced as he sat there at the dining table. "You might need your Dad."

"For what?" Derrick squinted hard then as he reached for crystallized softener to put in with his clothes. This stuff made his clothes smell a certain comfort, as if he could at least think he were home. Yet, it felt like the smell was covering up how the world really was. It was hard to fake it anymore. His true colors were slipping and it felt like black that was truly blue.

going in circles

2011-12-27T01:25:00.055-06:00

Asa might as well have slept through Christmas. The days before, Rosie was over, and she cheered him up with her stories and dancing, but for the most part Max and Daisy took her on their own to amuse her and keep the place clean.

It was really quiet and he didn't like being alone. Of course, there was plenty in his family who did their best to stay with him. Only he could take so much of Will and Jacob, spouting off bible verses and advising him on what he should and shouldn't do and where he should go.

Even that left him with a sick feeling, and he promised he'd be back at work after Christmas. There were other co-workers with planned vacations, and it was best to keep busy. But he felt so numb. He hated to admit that he didn't know what was going on. Just this thought of finding Amanda in the kitchen still honed in on his thoughts.

When would it ever go away?

He wanted to think of her whole. Think of her warm smile. How she could never find her bra. Silly as that was, it made him laugh at the thought of how they could tear up a whole bedroom just to find out that Rosie took it to sleep with, or it was under the bed under dust bunnies. The troubles with bras. She had so many, but only one favorite. It was simple and not scratchy in baby pink. He'd bought two new ones that was still in a package under the Christmas tree. What were they to do with all her presents?

A surge of tears came to his hot face as he sat there in his dark bedroom, thinking of all the things he didn't want to forget about Amanda. And for a second, he thought he felt her arms around him. Just then the doorbell rang. He awoke to the reality as he did his best to rub the tears away from the plams of his hands. He went to the door.

"Thank God, you're here." It was Olivia. She was alone.

Asa looked at her and scratched the back of his head as he let her in.

"I need you..."

"OK." Asa sniffed tears back.

"You ..you can marry people, can't you?" She looked up at him as if she was in dire need.

"Well..." Asa squinted. It was true. He could. But it felt so long ago. Not that he was actually a real minister. Although, he could have been. He was just in a long line, waiting for such an opportunity. This meant a lot of missionary work. "I've officiated some weddings." They just weren't in this country.

"So, you'd know what to do?" She was serious. It all had to do with a family squabble, she told him. Her adoptive parents were upset to begin with that Olivia was going to be married at her real Dad's house.

Asa went to put on the kettle as he listened to all the reasons why her adoptive parents didn't believe in her marriage to Ravi. Then she told him how easy it was for Penelope and Elliot to marry on their little weekend trip to Niagara Falls.

Of course, Asa stopped suddenly in the middle of the kitchen. Cold spot. He shivered as if he might be sick.

"It won't be a problem." He got out the tea bags for the cups. He waited for the kettle to sing. He'd need to know just how Olivia wanted this ceremony. He would listen and do what he could.

problem grandparent

2011-12-26T01:19:00.016-06:00

Syd wasn't sure what to make of Amanda's Dad, but he was smitten with Evan. That little one could do no wrong in his eyes.

Of course, she felt as if he were avoiding a lot of other things. Of course, Eric and she were being nice to him.

"But do we have to spend every waking moment with him?" She was furious that he came back to their house after dinner with Eric's parents and spent the night. "I don't know what to do." She looked at Eric for help, but he looked just as helpless.

"We can't let him take Evan. I told him if he wanted to spend time with him, it had to be here, under our roof." Eric was strict with these rules. They were in the kitchen while Grandpa Joe made himself at home with Evan who was showing him all his toys from Christmas.

Syd went to the phone. She wondered if they should call a lawyer. Were they adopting a grandparent or did they do something legal about this? She reached Max.

"Your Dad's here." She told him.

"Again?" Max hoped his Dad was sleeping late. "I'll see what I can do."

"I know, he means well, but we're busy." Syd told him she didn't want to upset him.

"I know." Max sighed as if he might be more of the parent at the moment. They talked a little bit longer. Syd wondered how Asa was doing.

"About the same." Max told her that he'd been staying home as much as possible.

Syd wished she wasn't so selfish, but something had to be done about the unwanted company.

Joe's cell rang. They heard him on the phone with Max, evidently.

He went to tell him there was some sort of emergency at home.

"So how much longer are you gonna be in town?" Eric asked as he was holding Bella while Syd went to see about some eggs for French toast.

"As soon as I get things settled, I'll be here all the time." He grinned.

Eric gritted a smile. Syd tried to will him to say something, but he didn't.

"Look...Joe, we really are going to be busy this week. I don't think we have anytime for you see Evan. OK? I mean, we'd love for you to see him before you leave, but, please call us, ahead of time. We've got a lot to do this week." Syd hoped she didn't hurt his feelings.

He didn't look too hurt. She guessed. He waved goodbye. Eric went to check on Evan who was still busy with his Christmas toys.

Syd shook her head. This was the last problem she ever thought they'd have. Amanda's dad.

on holiday

2011-12-25T01:18:00.048-06:00

Jules thought he might have woke up somewhere else, but how could he forget....

Honestly, he loved the bed. It was incredible, and it was Christmas. But fresh snow hadn't fallen. Just the cold. It was warm and toasty in bed as the sunlight streamed in.

"Its brilliant." He'd had his Christmas, thanks to Oliver and Ian and anyone associated with them. And of course, Willow.

But they'd overslept. His cell was ringing. He guessed it was his Mum calling to wish him a Merry Christmas. Jules looked at the phone number. Yes, it was international, but not his Mum.

"Hullo?" He kept his voice low as Willow was still asleep. Really, he wanted to stay in bed with her.

"You're still asleep." It was Jonah.

"Not really." Jules cleared his throat thinking anything that might come out of his mouth would be awkward. "Its..its good to hear from you."

"Yeah, you would say that. My sister is there, isn't she?" Jonah's voice so snide and snobish.

"Yeah." Jules squinted.

It was silent then.

"Hoping it would be over by now. And you'd miss me." Jonah finally blurted.

Jules squinted hard.

"Sorry, not missing you that much, mate." Jules finally gritted.

"DON'T CALL ME MATE." His voice was like thunder.

"Wait, Jonah, you knew it would never be nothing more. You can't keep a grudge, when their is nothing to have a grudge about. Look, your sister, she..she didn't mean to hurt you." He was up now in his flannel plaid PJ bottoms. He plugged in the kettle and looked in the tiny fridge for some milk. "You have to believe that. I'm sorry if you're still mad. I'm beginning to think you live better with everything else, staying mad."

"I'm not mad." Jonah snapped.

"But its all you feel, isn't it?" Jules knew that feeling. It was easy to do. Possibly, being happy was a chore, but it did come naturally if you let it. Yet, he had no real insight to give him. Jonah would have to find it accidentally, he supposed.

Jonah hung up on him. Jules didn't feel bad. He'd made his peace, maybe Jonah would some day too. He reached in the cupboard then. Found the little box hidden behind the coffee can. It was Willow's Christmas. He hoped the antique ring fit.

some presents already unwrapped

2011-12-24T01:17:00.047-06:00

Rox was still in the state of shock. It just didn't feel like Christmas even if the Christmas tree was up, and it their first official Christmas together. But still, it was the Christmas without Amanda.

She made Christmas cookies with the kids. They made gingerbread houses. It felt as if she were going through the motions. It was hard to be happy, and yet she was thankful for every little thing. Jai was excited that his Daddy was coming for Christmas.

"I bet he'll get me something big!" Jai was excited, running around. Rosie watched, but she was rather quiet. Rox told him not to expect too much.

"You need to settle down. Just be glad he's here to see you. OK?" But he was dancing a jig, quick as lightening, around the tree, kissing Rosie on the cheek.

"My Daddy's coming!" He grabbed Rosie, almost tackled her to the floor.

"Watch it!" Rox snapped. "Am I going to have send you to your room?" She pointed the way.

"It wasn't a fight." Jai stomped to his room.

Rox rolled her eyes wondering if she were going to survive Christmas. She went to see if Rosie was all right.

"He really loves his Dad." Rosie shrugged and went back to her coloring book.

"He sure does." Before she could ask if Rosie was OK. If she needed to talk or if she'd rather Jai not bother her, the doorbell rang. She looked at her watch. Kyle wasn't even home. She didn't expect anyone over for another hour.

She answered the door. To her surprise it was Jasmine and Jared. She looked at both of them thinking how unusual. Didn't her sister despise him? Rox gave them a quick smile.

"Where's my boy?" Jared carried a basket full of presents.

"I sent him to his room." Rox sighed still staring at the both of them.

Jared went to find Jai.

"What are you doing?" She asked Jasmine when they were alone.

"What does it look like?" Jasmine looked a little hurt that Rox would even ask.

"You tell me?" Rox glared at her sister.

"J thought he'd warn out his welcome with Leon and Tyra. He didn't feel exactly a part of that house. You know, with Roger." Jasmine shook her head.

"When did you start calling him J?" Rox needed answers.

"Must you be so nosy?" Jasmine fumed as she went to say hello to Rosie. She gave her a hug.

"Jaz, he's a married man." Rox clarified.

"Unhappily married." Jasmine refreshed her memory. She went to check on Rox's Christmas Eve dinner. Naturally, she needed a taste of the spring rolls. Their mother's family secret.

Rox expected a houseful. Kyle's parents, his brother, Leon and Tyra and even Ellie and her bunch.

brother to brother

2011-12-23T01:17:00.043-06:00

"You're really tough on him, you know." Ian made it clear to Oliver that he knew this was Kayla's idea to help Jules. Fixing Jules room up while he was at work. She'd order a bigger bed. All he needed to do was put it together. Lola was coming with some bedding. They were spiffing the place up. Bringing in some bookshelves to help break the room up so it wouldn't look like the bedroom was in the kitchen. Kayla left him a diagram and everything.

"Well, I have to be." Oliver eye-balled him. "That's all he knows."

"Yeah, but..but he's like family, you know." Ian reminded him they'd spent most of growing up with Jules. This was their Christmas to Jules and Willow, a new room. They'd been invited to the family Christmas dinner. Willow's parents hadn't came through as Kayla had hoped they would. But it didn't seem to matter. Ian's family was here for Jules and Willow and so was Kayla, even if she was at work.

Of course, Oliver watched. He didn't help Ian, which he understood. He was only checking on the progress. Soon he left. Finally, Lola showed up with the dark green sheets and comforter.

Lola smiled getting out the box of little lights. "I thought this might brighten things up around the headboard."

Ian smiled back. It would be a sweet romantic touch. He moved the book shelves around. There were six tall stands he'd put together. They were cheap, but he put the backs to each other to make the black bookcase look more like a real wall.

He unloaded square wicker baskets to put their items in the book cases. Lola hung up a painting.

"Did you do that?" Ian was so surprised by her talent. It was red heart on black canvass. Very simple and yet the shadowing made it unique.

She nodded. "But what I really like to do is weld."

"Weld?" Ian never really thought of welding as art, but what did he know. He was quite a dummy when it came to art. He checked his watch. They were cutting it close if it were going to be a surprise for Willow and Jules. They'd be home in an hour.

just a little help

2011-12-22T01:16:00.030-06:00

"So what's up?" Kayla looked around Jules little place. It was bare to the bone. She hoped they were warm. Of course, the bed was just a twin in the corner. She couldn't imagine being comfortable here.

"Nothing." Willow shook her head, but she looked as if she were on the brink of tears. She set down on the bed then. "I really..really am awful."

"You miss home." Kayla sat down beside her.

"No. No, that's not it. I really want to be with Jules. I have to." Willow told her.

"But if its going to make you so unhappy..."

"No." Willow winced hard. "I..I've never made my mother mad. Not like this. Not until now. She always had Jonah to deal with. I..I always did as I was told. And now.." She sighed. "Jonah's left. She gets worried. She wants him home, you know." She was in tears. Kayla looked around for tissue, but all she could find was a big roll of paper towels on the counter by the sink.

"I could talk to her." Kayla was willing to help. "And if that doesn't work, well, you'll have Christmas with us. OK?"

Willow looked so young. She couldn't imagine moving in with someone at her age. Kayla hugged her, thinking she must really love Jules to give up so much.

a family thought

2011-12-21T01:15:00.052-06:00

Since Thanksgiving Jules and Willow were pretty much nested in his room. Oliver and Kayla were just down the hall, but they didn't exactly socialize. Sure, they worked with Oliver in the morning. But it was business as usual and Willow hadn't tried to rock the boat. Although, Jules had help on campus (Topher to the rescue) and Willow was out for the semester.

"Go talk to Oliver." Willow looked worried. Jules knew she was upset that her mother wasn't exactly talking to her. But then again, Willow did start it with her Mom the night she left. She wouldn't return her messages. Now Jonah was back in London with Ste. He hadn't even said goodbye. Everything was a little on edge.

"What for?" Jules didn't see the point.

"I dunno. He has to know we..we want to be..you know, like family." She shrugged as if he alone.. might not be enough.

"It would just be weird." Jules laughed it off. He really didn't want to get into it anymore with Oliver than he had too. But that look Willow gave him, it was as if Oliver was his older brother, and they needed to gather to gather for the holidays.

"Why? Why would it be weird?" She winced as she stood there in his hoodie with her arms crossed while she was waiting for something.

"You know, Kayla is uh... wee bit older than him." Jules felt sure that was why Oliver kept his distance. He didn't want his wife thinking he could be kid around him, like he used too. Oliver was happy go lucky, once upon a time. Jules just didn't think it true, anymore. Especially, with Kayla in the picture. She was so formal and indifferent. Jules didn't even try to get to know her.

"Jules, please, you two should talk." Willow sighed as if she'd nag him until he did it. Christmas was coming. Was that what this was about?

"All right, but you should come with me." He needed her support. She shook her head, no. She needed some reading to do. And what about the laundry?

"All right." He didn't mean to be in a pout, but he felt sure it should be Willow doing the talking, not him. He padded down the hall which felt like an eternity to get too. He knocked lightly. Finally, Kayla came to the door.

It was like a palace, he thought. Plush white carpet. He didn't remember the place being so big. Come to think of it, it was his first time to be in their flat. And Oliver... reading like an old man, thought Jules. Seriously, this Kayla was sucking all the life out of him.

"You have a minute?" Jules looked at Oliver.

"What? Planning a vacation, are you?" Oliver scowled instantly.

"No." Jules scowled right back. "Its about Willow."

"What about her?" Oliver glared at him over his black horned rimmed glasses. "You gave her disease? Is that it?"

"God, no." Jules cracked up. "If you must know, me mum had me checked out before she'd even let me come to the states." He couldn't believe Oliver would ask such questions.

Jules hugged himself then.

"Its just...we're together now..just the two of us..and..and...Willow thinks we should, you know, do more together. Like Christmas" Jules stared at Oliver, helpless. Perhaps, he did need them.

"Like what?" Oliver looked at him as if Willow was his problem. He went back to how Willow wanted to run his business.

"Oliver, please, she only wants to help. She isn't trying to snatch the business from you. Really, she isn't." Jules couldn't plead enough. "Besides, I could of..screwed things up..."

"Have you now?" Oliver got up as he was sure of it. Sure, that Jules was not up to any good.

"Its her parents. They aren't exactly speaking to Willow at the moment." Jules told him.

"Jules, is right," Kayla said. "I'll go talk to her. We do need to stick together."

Jules looked at her a bit shocked. Kayla was on his side. It was so unexpected.

threes a crowd

2011-12-20T01:15:00.066-06:00

Ruthie really wasn't sure what to do with herself. The house was quiet now. Her parents took the kids home with them. It had been a rather quiet funeral. Just Matt's family and some from church.

It wasn't like she expected much. Sure, she heard all the things she was suppose to hear. Still, she knew what people must have thought of him now. Or was it her?

Rachel was staying with her. Sam cleared the driveway when it snowed. He'd kept her car gassed and running. Her parents were finally accepting the fact that Rachel found a good one, even if he didn't go to their church.

She thought then, how could she go back? She couldn't face any of them. She was just an all around failure in their books. But she'd grown up with the church, and they were very big chunk of her life. When she thought of that part, there was Matt to think about too.

How did this happen? It always came back to that. A chill gave her shiver as she rubbed her arms. Ruthie thought of her new born baby, Boaz. She smiled thinking how Matt thought it was the most hideous name he'd ever heard of. But she'd found the name in the book of Ruth and it meant 'strength'. "Fine, as long as we can call him Bo."

She wanted to dwell on the good times, not the bad. Had their been that many? She curled up on the coach and wrapped herself up in a granny square afghan. She was so cold. She felt so cold. Some how she thought of Matt in the cold ground, blue as ice. Her teeth started to chatter. She wanted to be close to him once again, but not in this way.

The doorbell rang. She needed tissues as she pushed the hot tears away. Rachel went to get the door. It was Asa and his cousins.

Ruthie looked at them as if they were strangers. She didn't know what to say to Asa. Of course, he asked how she was doing. She told him fine. Everything was taken care of. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all.

Of course, the cousins told her and her family they were in their prayers. She listened. It sounded like an info commercial now. Were they really here for comfort? She supposed, but what were they expecting?

"Are..are you OK?" She then asked Asa. Poor Asa, this must have been so hard on him. Thinking, there was no way to undo any of it. It was best not to blame anyone, because she was certain if their was any blame..it was her own.

"Well..you know.." He didn't finish the sentence. Instead, he got out his wallet. "I-I thought this might help out, with Christmas." He gave her the gift card. Told her it had well over five hundred dollars on it.

"I can't take this." She shook her head, no.

"Think of it, for the kids. Pampers aren't cheap." Asa reminded it.

She held the gift card in her hand. Ruthie bit her upper lip as she looked at it. Finally, she nodded.

"Here's my card." Jacob handed her a card with his cell phone number and e-mail. "You need anything. Let me know."

Ruthie looked at him startled. She cleared her throat. Honestly, she couldn't think why she'd ever contact him.

a face in the crowd

2011-12-19T01:14:00.043-06:00

There was such chatter after the service, Asa couldn't quite believe it. How could there be so much laughter?

It wasn't a wake, even if Asa was sure Amanda's father would prefer one. He was drinking. There was his family who strictly disapproved of any sort of alcohol. Soon enough Will and Jacob cornered him about some missionary trip they were organizing.

"We always need you. It would do you some good." They sounded business as usual. So happy and doing God's will. It did cheer Asa a little to know how well they were doing. Neither were hurting for anything. It was amazing, but he shook his head, no. He would not go.

"I have a job here." He sighed. Besides, this was his home. He wasn't going anywhere. After all, he'd been making payments on this place for almost a year now even if it were in Amanda's name. Of course, when he instantly thought of her, he was heavy with grief.

Syd, Ellie and Rox boxed Amanda's things. He really wasn't in a rush to send it to charity just yet, but he'd make himself sick too if were around. He was really not sure what to do. But he couldn't leave.

Just then Rosie hung on to him tight around the leg before emotions could get the best of him.

"I'm coming to stay with you." She informed him.

Asa caught a tickle in his throat. He looked up to see Kyle with a plate of sweets, all of Rosie's favorites.

"It'll be OK." Kyle nodded. "Max said he'd watch after her."

Asa nodded. He guessed it would be all right. Max was like a shining beacon. He'd really stepped up. But then Asa noticed, Derrick was nowhere in sight. He hadn't spoken to him in days. He guessed. Hopefully, Max knew where he was, but he knew Amanda's Dad hadn't spoke of Derrick, either.

Asa reached for his phone but found his wallet instead. He opened it. There was the Target gift card. Christmas. He looked at Rosie. Asa was certain plenty around her were going to do the best they could for her, this holiday. He tucked the gift card back in his wallet. There was only one person he could think of that probably needed the gift card more.

tiny particals everywhere

2011-12-18T01:14:00.043-06:00

Eric was still in a state of shock about the whole thing. He couldn't imagine Amanda gone. Just like that.

Of course, he felt awkward as they gathered together. He looked at his brother Ian as they were about to go. He straightened his brother tie.

"Why aren't you, with Derrick?" He said as if it was best to leave the other matter at hand, out of the conversation.

"I thought, I told you." Ian looked at him. "We broke up."

"Oh." Now Eric was stumped to say anything. Perhaps Ian told him. Maybe he wasn't really listening, lately. There was a lot to deal with now. He still worked with a writers' group at the home. It wasn't like he was buried in work down at City, exactly, but he was busy. "Are you all right?" He didn't like seeing his brother alone, but it wasn't like he could rush out and ask someone to be with his brother at this given moment.

"Yeah." Ian nodded.

Eric knew he should leave it at that. It pained him that he'd been so cold to Amanda. There had never really been much between them..except the one time, that seemed so long ago now, yet it wasn't. There was Evan to think about.

Suddenly, he was anxious. He wanted to get this over... in the cold, go home, go to bed. But Syd came around from her small talk with the others and put her hand in his. He looked down at her as if she brought some comfort.

Of course, he knew this wasn't about him. This was about Amanda. It was just bizarre. Something like this happening in her own house. The pit of his stomach churned. He thought how it might have been if Evan had been there..if...He felt a bit light headed. It was so hard to be strong now. He looked to Syd. He gently squeezed her hand. She was the stronger one, he knew.

They went to the destination they had dressed in black for.

As they waited out on the cemetery lawn covered in a fresh blanket of snow, they gathered around, a tall man patted him on the back. Eric didn't know him. He looked back at the man's raw face. It was as if he'd been hit with emotion in full throttle.

"Can I see my grandson today?" The man asked.

It startled Eric. A lump lodged in his throat. "Sure." Eric breathed in the cold. He'd never met Amanda's Dad until today.

as always

2011-12-17T01:13:00.042-06:00

Max didn't know if Derrick would be there for Amanda's funeral. There were so many people at the house. Mostly, Asa's family. At least, he had Daisy. It wasn't that she said much, but she'd get there early in the morning. Leave late at night. He was so happy he'd met her when he did. And to think, she was only going to help him catch up with his English assignments.

His Dad. Different story. He felt alienated from him. Of course, all his dad did was entertain Rosie and the little ones. He didn't understand it. It was as if he were ignoring what was actually happening. How could he be..so..cheerful.

He was hoping to speak with him alone. Except, his dad didn't want to be alone with him. He wanted people around.

"He's hurting." Daisy told him.

"You think?" It made him sad to think his dad was that way. "He's the best actor in the world." Max came to the conclusion as they were getting ready for the funeral. He thought of Derrick. He was a lot like that too. His act wasn't a whole lot different from his Dad's. "Am I like that too?" He asked Daisy while she was helping him with his tie.

"No." She promised. "You're much stronger. They need for you to be strong." She promised as if he were going to battle instead of a cemetery on a cold December day.

Finally, he was alone with his dad as they drove over to the church. It was like seeing his real father for the first time. His Dad broke down full of apologies. He squeezed Max's hand tight.

"You're one my best, you know. Pretty much the best part of me. I hope you know that." He told him he was going to be better. He said he was moving back.

still breathing

2011-12-16T01:12:00.023-06:00

Derrick couldn't quite understand what was happening. Especially, with Josie. It wasn't all that complicated.

Yet, it was happening. It felt good to be close to someone. To be away from everything else. It was like walking through a glass mirror and finding what was on the other side. Being with Josie, meant he could be someone else. He didn't have to worry about what happened at the house.

Honestly, he never wanted to step in to that kitchen, again. It was a massacre. The thought of blood made him ill. And he'd gone into hiding. He couldn't talk to Asa. He'd listened to Max a few times. He didn't know how Max could stay at the house, but he did. It was like Max deserved an award or something, but he wanted nothing, but to stay close to Amanda.

"I wish you wouldn't talk that way." Derrick snapped on their first phone call the day after. "You don't even know what you, are saying." How could Max be so spiritual in a time like this? Why would he want to?

Derrick felt so cold. Josie was the only alive thing he could feel. Maybe she was the only thing keeping him going. Now he only drank his coffee black. He didn't want to taste anything good. He only needed the drink for the caffeine. Derrick would do his best to not have anything that might be satisfying. Except for Josie, of course.

This was mourning. Seriously, he had no idea how long it would last. Possibly, forever.

even if its messed up

2011-12-15T01:12:00.029-06:00

Josie didn't think she'd exactly lied to Ian. She never mentioned Amanda to Derrick. After all, he was pretty adamant that he didn't want to talk about her, or anything about what had happened.

There was a good bit they weren't talking about, as it was. But seriously, it was so unexpected. It was something she didn't really want to question now.

Of course, she was mad at herself for letting it happen. Being with Derrick. Yet, it was empowering too. Somehow, it felt as if she'd saved him from something. No, it really wasn't about sex or was it? OK, a little. Finally, she was with someone she wanted to be with. Yet, she doubted her wants and needs now. There was a very fine line between the two. It was best not to contemplate too much about it, at the moment.

After she shut the door behind Ian, there was Derrick on the stairway.

"I heard." He just said.

"He doesn't know a thing." She was certain. It would be over soon enough, she imagined. Derrick might decide he wouldn't need her. Josie expected that, but right now he did. A part of her felt cold and calloused, yet at the moment she felt warm and embracing to her long lost friend. "I didn't tell him, anything."

Derrick nodded as he came down the stairs.

"Do you want coffee?" She went to get him something. He wasn't eating. But there were other things. A part of her couldn't help but think she'd took advantage of the situation. Still, she reminded herself, better her than a stranger.

She poured the hot coffee and looked back to see him there in the kitchen doorway. It was awful lot like looking at a ghost.

"Max said your Dad is here." Josie wanted him to know.

Derrick was stoic. His stare gave her a shiver. As if this was it. The two of them, together. Her taking care of someone who wanted to turn off the world. Josie bit her bottom lip. Not wanting to regret what had happened, yet she was beginning to feel this was just wrong.

reaching out

2011-12-14T02:11:00.031-06:00

When Ian found out about Amanda's death, he wanted to go to Derrick. He wanted to show his support. Only, Derrick wouldn't take his phone calls nor his texts, Ian ended up on Josie's doorstep.

"Have you heard anything? Anything from Derrick?" He wanted to know.

Of course, she was rather mute about the subject.

"Maybe, he's just in shock." She told him.

"Have you talked to him?" Ian didn't ask if he were there. He guessed he would have had better luck from Max, but even Max didn't know where he was. He looked around for clues.

"Not really." Josie shrugged. "I mean, he doesn't want to talk about it. He..he doesn't want to talk about his sister."

"So you have?" Ian glared at her that she wasn't telling him everything.

"He's just being stubborn." She couldn't look at him. "He'll be OK." She told him not to worry.

"I just don't know why...why he can't talk to me? I mean, I still want to be friends. I.." Ian winced hard. "I love him. Still. I want him to know, that I care. Its just..I can't imagine..what he might be going through, right now. This must be ..so horrible." He sat down on her livingroom couch and rubbed the tears from the palms of his hands. "I mean, we both have that in common. You know, losing our mum, and all, but this. This is so tragic and sudden. Something like this. Its so awful. I hope he's OK." He looked up at Josie. "Will you tell him? I'm thinking about him."

He got up, didn't want to take up anymore of her time. She gave him a hug. There was something unusual about her scent. She wasn't her lemony fresh self. Instead, he could sense it, but he wouldn't say it. Derrick was here.

unfortunate circumstances

2011-12-13T01:10:00.039-06:00

Rachel wanted to be there for Ruthie. Of course, the whole family was there too.

So many unanswered questions. Ruthie had lied to them. Rachel could see it on her face when their mother asked how in the world could this have happened? That was NOT Matt they knew. He was the perfect husband and father. Wasn't he?

"Mom, just let it go." Rachel reminded her there were other things they needed to worry about. Ruthie didn't look well, as it was. They needed to give her time and peace of mind that they'd be here for her. There was no reason to demand some reason for Matt's actions.

"It wasn't your fault." Rachel assured her sister after their mother had her say and went off to help with the kids. Their father was making arrangements at the church for Matt's funeral. But she saw the disconcerted look on Ruthie's face. Rachel suspected things hadn't been right between Ruthie and Matt in a long time.

But they sat quietly for a long in Ruthie's room. There were still photos on the wall of Ruthie and Matt's wedding. It was like a shrine. It once decorated the livingroom wall. Now it was wall to wall photos of the kids.

Ruthie pushed her dark hair out of her face.

"I can't help but not love him." Ruthie wanted her sister to know. Rachel understood. "Maybe, maybe I had..too many expectations." Her sister looked drained. Perhaps not even well.

"He cheated on me." Ruthie clarified. She shook her head. "And..and the strange thing is..I..I would have never known." She stared at the pictures on the wall. "But when I was pregnant with Shelby, I found out.." She cleared her throat. "I have herpes." She barely said above her breath.

Rachel didn't know what to say. Not that she'd ever breathe a word of it to her mother.

"I know what you think." She shook her head. "How could that be so bad? But I couldn't trust him. I had so much faith in ..us. And he let me down, Rach. He let down."

Rachel nodded. She was certain she would be closer to her sister now. She'd have to be.

here and now

2011-12-12T01:09:00.065-06:00

It was hard to keep anything from Rosie. Kyle knew.

She begged to see Mommie.

"Can't just yet." They'd gone over a few things with her. Mommie was in a better place now. Of course, he was thinking how she might feel about all this years from now. It worried him. They'd both probably need to see a grieving counselor or perhaps a group. Some day. Just not today.

"I want Asa." She informed him. Her little hands patted his cheeks as she sat on his lap while he put on her snowboots. It had been a major process of her laying on top of the snow suit to get into it like a sleeping bag. He thought now how long it took to put her in it. She ready to get out of it, if they didn't leave soon.

"Well, he's busy." It was hard to keep from letting it show how much grief stricken he was in. She was very adamant. No way was she staying with Grammy tonight.

"He needs me. I have to. Mommie would want me, too." She nodded so matter of fact that Kyle couldn't help but swell in tears. Here she was thinking about now, and he was thinking of the first time he met Amanda. He could see that look of mischief in Rosie's blue eyes, and it was breath taking.

"Maybe she would, but you've got to give him time." In fact it was only the day after, and he knew Asa was in a daze with funeral arrangements. "Don't you want to go to the airport to meet Gramp Joe." Kyle did his best to stay positive.

"Who's he?" Rosie winced.

"You know, who he is. Its just been awhile." Kyle reminded her that Gramp Joe got her the little Barbie car he had to put together. Then take apart because Mommie didn't like Rosie driving around in it on the sidewalk. She might end up in the street.

Rosie glared at him. "What happened to my Barbie car?" Her little lips were in a pout.

"We can't worry about it now." They had to get to the airport. Rox was helping Ellie and Amber in the kitchen. They were making chili along with a few other things that one might find to help, in case of hunger.

He loaded Rosie up in her carseat. For a moment, he really wished he could leave her behind, but she'd never forgive him, nor would Joe. It was something that had to be done. So as soon as they got to the lobby, waiting for Joe to make his grand entrance, Rosie tugged at Kyle. "Mommie, wants you and Roxie to have a baby."

"Please, Rosie, not now..." Kyle picked her up. He listened to her talk about Rox as if she might have a litter of pups.

"They would a different color. It wouldn't look like me. And it wouldn't look like Jai." Rosie informed him.

Kyle shook his head. She could always embarrass him. It was as if Rosie took pride in it. He looked up to see Joe coming their way. Thank God.

just a few sad questions

2011-12-11T01:09:00.037-06:00

Elliot wasn't sure what he could really do for Asa. Exactly. It was pretty simple to him that he wasn't much good at this. He made a few calls. Including Amanda's Dad, with the news. Then he called his cousin Will and Jacob. They promised to be on their way.

After he got off the phone, he wondered if it were a mistake. Did they really need so much family here? They'd need a place to stay. There would be lots of meals. He called his Mom. Thankfully, she could take care of that. Of course, her words weren't much of a comfort even if she told him how sorry she was.

"OK." It was all he could manage. He sat across from Asa who looked at his black coffee. They needed to discuss funeral arrangements and such. If only Will or Jacob lived closer, they were good at this kind of thing.

"Here, let me fix this up for you." He remembered how he liked it. Asa was a cream and sugar guy. After all, it was Asa who got him started drinking coffee.

Asa shook his head, no. He couldn't eat.

"I..I said some things.." Asa drew a breath. "We. We argued." Asa shook his head. His sad eyes looked at Elliot.

"She knew you loved her." Elliot assured him. Yet deep down he was thankful Pearl wasn't there during the ordeal. He felt faint, thinking of the shooting now. How it might have been.

"But..but I should have been on her side." Asa's face looked older than Elliot remembered. "I should have been on her side. I should have.."

"Don't. It was.." Elliot wasn't sure what to say about Matt. It had to be an accident, but still it was awful. "He didn't know what he was doing."

"God, why..why did I even..think.." Asa squinted hard. He shook his head. His face turned to grieve. Elliot watched, wishing he knew what to say. Asa breathed in an out, the anguish inside hime. "You..you think I deserved this..don't you?"

"No." Elliott winced. Somehow, Elliot felt he was the blame too. He thought of what he'd put Amanda through last winter. "She deserved better, and you were better. You were better for her. You must believe that." His eyes watered. He didn't want a tear slip, but it did, anyway.

aftershock

2011-12-10T01:20:00.011-06:00

Derrick hated to know the truth. He didn't believe them at first. It was not real. It would not happen at their house.

Too many bad things had happened, already, in his life. A dad who was never home. No mother. Not this. He would not go into the house. He stood their sullen in the cold dark night. Snow drifted slowly up above. Shrilling, dancing over head and finally on him. He sighed, deeply.

"Are you coming? Asa needs us." Max told him who was standing in the doorway of warmth.

Derrick shook his head, no. "I can't stay here." There were no tears. Just his sullen self. He was starting to doubt his acting potential at the moment. Why wasn't he an emotional wreck?

"Where will you go?" Max offered to call Ian for him.

Derrick shook his head, no. Ian would have been here already for him..if...

Derrick didn't want to drag Ian into this. Besides, Derrick was the one who had told Ian they were finished. It would be just wrong. Wrong, right now.

He turned to go. He walked a lot slower than he wanted. But his body was out of energy. Still he knew where he wanted to be. The cold and snow hit his face, but he didn't really notice. Finally, a few blocks later, he got to Josie's house.

"Did you know?" He first asked. She shook her head. Told him it was on the news. She told him about the tragedy at the grocery store, wondered if it were connected.

"Wasn't that guy staying at your house?" Her question was simple. Nausea over took Derrick. His body started to shake. He was so cold. He needed to sit down. He'd walked a long way, he guessed. Maybe that was it. No, it was knowing. Knowing what Amanda did now.

"She..she was like ..like a mother..to me." Derrick squinted. How come it came so easily to cry with Josie here? "I..didn't ever..tell her..how..how much..she meant to me...you know." He looked up at Josie. "And..and.." He shook his head. He didn't want to think of his sister involved with that scruffy stranger.

He was mixed with emotions. He knew his sister too well. But was it the truth he knew? Did he really ever know her? Did he?

"I hate this feeling." He caught his lip. "I hate it, Josie." He could barely breathe the words. "I just want it to go away." His voice cracked. "Make it got away, Josie."

He felt her arms around him and the side of her head touched his forehead. He closed his eyes as the tears kept coming, but felt adrift of an emotional ocean that only Josie could anchor.

aftermath

2011-12-09T01:07:00.032-06:00

The crime scene soon moved. What was once organized chaos was now just the aftermath. There was a lot to clean up in the kitchen.

Penelope looked around the scene. She couldn't help but gasp. Elliot was with Asa, outside. In the cold, Talking. Comforting. She hoped. But was there any comfort in these sort of scenarios? She bit her upper lip, wondering what she could do.

It was surreal. Someone lost their life here. She went to find something to help with the cleaning. Bleach would do. Hopefully, no one would be staying the night. But it wasn't exactly something you wanted to come back to, either.

She started the hot water in the sink, poured in a little bleach. It wouldn't take much. Wasn't like the cops would be back for anymore evidence. It needed to be done.

"I can do that." Asa's voice echoed through the emptiness.

"No, you're not." Penelope told him. She saw Elliot behind him. She knew Elliot couldn't stay and help. She understood that. She was the outsider, after all. "Elliot, I think you should take Asa somewhere, he needs to eat." Even McDonald's would do, she thought. He needed to be anywhere, but here.

"I'm not hungry." Asa came forth. He found the mop.

"Please, I don't want you here." She didn't mean to argue as she put her hair back in a ponytail. "You need some food. Fresh air. I'll be fine."

Max came in and took the mop from him.

"I want to be here. I want to help." He told them. Penelope nodded. Suddenly, she was consumed with warms tears. She hadn't meant for that to happen. She wanted to believe it was just the bleach. Not a torn emotion. Really, she never thought of Amanda much. She couldn't say they got along, but she didn't bother with her, either. Still, she thought of how it might have been. How a life once lived was now gone. She shivered then as she stared at the darkness on the floor.

"Come on." Finally, Elliot made an effort. He put his arm around Asa, who looked a bit faint as he took one last look at the blood on the floor. The wall. Even the splatter on the white ceiling. At least, Elliot was strong enough to catch him, Penelope almost smiled. He was the man, she thought he was.

She sighed as she watched Max begin to work on the floor with the mop. She took a sponge of hot water with bleach, starting with the wall.

"I know, she's gone." Max cried softly, "But I can feel her, you know. I can. And.." He choked then, saying nothing more. They worked in silence. She found the quiet to be a comfort.

how can it possibly be

2011-12-08T01:07:00.038-06:00

Max didn't get it? Why were there a swarm of cops at the house? It didn't seem real. He couldn't even get in. He stood in the cold, ringing Derrick, who would not pick up.

Finally, he texted him that something was happening. Derrick called back then.

"Well, find out what's going on!" Derrick demanded.

"That's just it. No one will talk to me." He knew what they thought. He didn't belong here. If it were Derrick, he would know by now. But Max didn't. He was just someone to stay away. But then when he saw Asa speaking to the police, Max's legs were so wobbly. He was afraid he might be walking on this knees. It was as if his body were melting. But he knew he needed to be strong.

He dialed Amanda older brother. The brother he really didn't know. "Something is wrong." He could barely get out. "Its Amanda." He didn't want his eyes to water, but he couldn't stop it. This was bad. So bad. He thought he might throw up, but he wouldn't let himself.

It was just frustrating that no one would say anything. The ambulance evidently came and went.

"Where is she! She's in the hospital! Right!" His face dripped with tears. He paced, trying to breath. Max, pushed back his dark locks of hair with his hands, trying to understand it. "WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME SOMETHING? I'm her brother!"

But it was like talking to a wall. Finally, a female cop came over. She listened. Finally, she informed him there had been an incident. Murder. He heard the word MURDER.

Max shook his head, no. Couldn't be. He racked his fingers through his heavy bangs to look at the young woman more. Who would want to...Max shook his head. He remembered Amanda telling him about some student she was afraid of.

His heart ached as if he might be dieing too.

"Did you say..murder?" Max festered a frown. Not attempted. But murder.

Finally, Asa found him. He couldn't say much. It was as if he were out of words. It was as if he was washed out. Completely. "Its all my fault. Its all my fault." He tried to breathe.

"All your fault?" Max stared at him. "How could that be?" His fingers clung on hard to Asa's arms. He wasn't letting go until he knew the truth.

only a moment

2011-12-07T02:06:00.076-06:00

It wasn't until Matt heard the blast that he finally awoke. He'd been in a stupor of some kind. A bad dream. A nightmare. Maybe even a fog. Sort of.

But he swore he heard a flutter. Birds. Flying away. Just like he had too. He knew what he saw. It could have been him. It should have been him. But Matt didn't wait. He flung the back door open. It snapped shut behind him as if he couldn't go back. He wouldn't.

He looked for the birds in the gray sky. Where were they? Were they as quick?

Numbness soon surrounded him. He noticed the snowflakes coming down. He needed fresh air. He needed to think. So he walked. Smoothed the pocket down of his leather jacket. The gun was so warm. Matt blinked. It could have been him. It was suppose to be him.

It was really a peculiar day. He'd met a man at the bar who could sell him a gun. Told him, it was no problem. It was in his glove compartment of his car. Just as long as Matt had the money. And he did. The man had ammo too. He didn't ask what he might do.

"Don't suppose its a gift for the wife?" The old dude finally cracked a joke. His toothless grin, put Matt off, that maybe, maybe he should think about this. But it was decided in his head for some time now. He just needed to do it.

"Maybe it is." Matt said so cool. No more fighting. No more dragging up the past to make him feel bad. It would be done, before night fall.

Sure, he was going to miss a lot of things. Like the kids. Especially, the one, he never really got to know. But then wasn't that the one who started the trouble in the first place? He didn't want to blame it on the kid.

No. It was all his fault. It would always be his fault. No matter how Ruthie could act like it didn't matter. But it did.

Matt kept walking. There was such a chill in the air. One that got to the bone. Winter was here, frigid and numb. Matt imagine a pure white blanket of snow. He wanted to think how new and brilliant it was, but flashes of blood came and went in his mind.

He choked on the thought how the bullet went up. Caught right in the head. Something like that. Something..like.. that..

His eyes darted. He kept moving. He needed something to take this away. Take it all away. Then he'd steady the gun. NO TALKING. Just. Do. It.

Matt felt unnoticeable for a while. It was as if it were he, alone now. No traffic. No kids. Just the vast emptiness of the neighborhood engulfed him. Soon enough, he was at the red light. No one coming. He crossed, heading toward the grocery store.

Really, he hadn't a clue how long he'd walked. He felt a little light headed. Just an ache in the back of his head. But he was OK. Some vodka would do. It would hit him fast. Maybe. He always went for vodka. Everyone thought it was water. He slightly grinned.

He passed by a car in the parking lot. Was that his reflection? In this light? Matt winced. Was that...

He stepped back. Examined what he could make out. His face freckled in blood. Did he dare smear it? A shiver startled him.

He didn't even know Amanda. How could she be? Asa wouldn't even marry her. Oh, she looked sweet enough. She must have been good in bed. Why in the world would have Asa stuck around? Matt wanted to believe he'd done him a favor.

He took a deep breath. Not that he'd meant for it to happen. This gun was not for some random idiot who was trying to save him.

Matt kept staring at himself. He winced tears.

Why? He shook his head. There was no rewinding. There was nothing else he could do. He went into the grocery store.

Matt went to the magazines. Of course, there was someone reality star on PEOPLE, he'd never heard of. He checked for the gun in his leather jacket every few seconds. He didn't want it going anywhere with out him. He looked a men's magazines. PARENTS. They always had to raise the kids like Ruthie wanted.

Suddenly, he was seething. Perhaps. Mad at himself mostly. He looked up to see some stock boy with ginger hair staring at him. The boy backed away as if he'd seen a monster.

Matt turned to find what he came for. But he took a turn at the dog food. There he lingered. It was suddenly so quiet as if no one, but he were in the grocery store. It felt as if time stood still. Almost like a dream.

He'd always wanted a dog. He thought of Rachel's dog. For a second, he imagine stealing a truck, stealing the dog, and it would be freedom. He smiled. Wishing that could be it. But it wasn't. It would never be. Nothing would ever be what it once was.

He felt sick to his stomach. His left eye started to hurt for the strangest reason. If only he'd stayed in bed today. But then, he didn't have a bed. Someone's couch. Nothing was his anymore.

Finally, he found the shelves of booze. He needed the cheap stuff. Who in the hell could afford CAPTAIN MORGAN? Matt rolled his eyes. He looked at the rum. The special whiskeys. Just as he was about to reach for his cheap brand of vodka, he noticed who found him. There were 3 cops approaching him.

Matt shoved his hands in his coat pockets of his black bomber jacket.

It was as if they already knew. They knew everything. Didn't they?

If only it were a video game, he knew he might have a fighting chance. But did he even want one? He drew the pistol. And he went down just like shattered glass.

where to go

2011-12-06T02:05:00.059-06:00

Asa was happy to see Amanda's car in the driveway. They could go Christmas shopping tonight. It probably wouldn't be at the mall, but they could go to her favorite salad bar. Maybe have a slice of cheese pizza, she liked, and get down to business with this whole Christmas season.

She had a plan. Each month since May she'd put 50 bucks on a Target gift card. She told him it was adding up. They could do all their shopping there, and they wouldn't break the bank. He liked that about her. Thinking ahead. She was working on several crochet projects. She was even attempting to make Rosie a poncho. Asa really didn't know how she found time to do it. She crocheted if she ever watched TV. Amanda even promised him she'd make him something. Only homemade gifts for us this year, she'd told him.

Asa thought what he might do. Maybe a coupon book. Of course, he could always make her a CD mix. Thoughts of songs were floating around his head as he came in the front door. He expected more lights to be on. It was getting dark, early now. And there was a strange pungent odor in the air. Except, he didn't think much of it when he came in.

"What is this? Are you saving on the electric bill, now?" He flipped on a light. Still, he wondered if there was a surprise. It wasn't like her to keep him in the dark about anything. He pulled off his jacket after he put down his backpack that was loaded down with his netbook and other things from the library.

"Amanda?" He called then. She wasn't one to play games. Although, she liked to play around in the kitchen. Once they made a mess with brownie batter. They'd made each other laugh with the gooey batter all over themselves. Her laugh was so infectious. But it was so quiet now. So very still.

"Amanda?" He went to their bedroom. Maybe she was taking a nap. Maybe it was nothing. She had to be here, he thought. It was starting to snow. She liked to stay in, when it snowed. Perhaps they could stay in. It would probably be just the two of them.

He checked the bathroom. Of course, the light was out. He went back to the bedroom. The bed was barely made. Just an old quilted comforter thrown back over the bed and their favorite pillows squished as they'd left them this morning. It wasn't exactly romantic, but it was a bed, well lived in.

Asa sighed. This was weird, he thought. He was sure she would be here and if she was...he smiled thinking what might be next. But Amanda wasn't here.

"I dunno why, you, are hiding from me?" He said aloud as he came back down the hall. It was then he noticed something odd in the kitchen. He stared at it for a moment. What was that? He squinted hard.

The thought stabbed him as hard as an invisible knife in his chest. He thought he might vomit.

There wasn't just blood on the kitchen wall. It was on the floor. A big puddle of it, and there was someone he didn't know in the middle of it. Or did he?

He blinked tears, instantly, as he fell to his knees in her blood. It wasn't possible. He wanted to believe.

So much he had to say. He had to say, but his voice was gone. A part of himself was already gone. And so was she.

It was too late, he knew.

please ask for help

2011-12-05T01:05:00.074-06:00

They'd had a tiff. Even if Asa swore it was just a discussion over Matt.

"Has he even bothered you?" Asa reminded her that Matt was only here at nights. He needed a place to go. He wasn't driving. Asa was being a good friend.

"Well, how long is this going to last?" She wanted her house back. Christmas was coming. She planned to celebrate with the kids a week before the holiday so they'd have Christmas at home. She wasn't trying to take anything away from them. But still, she needed the space. She was going to try to make Christmas special.

Of course, Amanda had school Christmas concerts on her mind. There was the state choir rehearsals that had been going on since October. They would sing at the capital. And of course, lesson plans.

"He's fine." Asa told her not to worry. She didn't want to worry. In fact, she didn't have time to worry.

So she came home early from school, the door was unlocked.

"Max?" She didn't expect him to be home. He was Daisy's twin, lately. Max donned her strange hats too. They were always studying. But never here. She shouted for Derrick too, but she knew he was off with his drama group.

Of course, she kept asking why was the house unlocked. Had she left it unlocked? The place was empty. She guessed. What was she suppose to do? Look in every closet?

She looked in the fridge, poured herself a glass of juice. It was so quiet. Cloudy out, too. She expected snow. A soft snow, perhaps. She guessed it was the weather that gave off this foreboding feeling.

The orange juice hit the spot. Still, something was off. Like someone might be watching her. Her luck, it was probably a mouse in the corner. She looked at the fridge corner. Nothing.

There was a creak from behind her. Instantly, Amanda turned around, and saw...him. Yes, there was something in the shadow, but it wasn't small or hungry for crumbs on the floor. All she saw were teeth. Those perfect teeth.

It was Matt.

"OH MY GOD." She dropped her juice glass. "You scared the shit out of me." Her heartbeat thumped. Perhaps, she'd over reacted. She always did. She stared at him in the kitchen doorway. "I didn't..I didn't know you were here?"

Asa said Matt worked at a bank. It was a pretty good job. He'd started as a teller, but worked his way up. He had a college degree. It was a descent job.

He looked at her. His smile was tired. He looked down then. Out of the shadows, she saw what was in his hand.

"What are you doing?" She winced as if this might be the time to run out the backdoor. Pick up the phone. Something. But she was mesmerized by the metal. Could it be? "Matt? What's going on?"

He shook his head, as if it were inevitable. He started to slightly heave. She moved forward as he looked at what was in his hand.

"You don't mean it. You wouldn't." She shook her head. "We all feel really bad sometimes, but you have to..believe..it'll get better." Her throat was tight, and she thought of Elliot. She remembered. All this time, she thought it was her fault. But it wasn't. It was the alcohol. It was stress. It was life. The feeling of making all the wrong turns. "Just put the gun down."

"I don't think so." His words were quiet.

"We'll, put it away." She sounded as if he could get it out again in an hour, if need be. Suddenly, she was closer than she wished. Amanda really thought she could do this. He didn't look like he'd know how to use it. But he held on to it tighter than she imagined.

What had once felt like a daze, ended in a struggle. Then a blast rang through the house. And there was a silence. Blood splattered the kitchen wall.

withdrawl

2011-12-04T02:04:00.061-06:00

Ian wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, lately. Especially, after Derrick broke up with him, over the phone. There was work. He wished there was more of it, so he didn't have so much time to think.

A part of him was glad that it happened, sooner than later. Truth be told, he didn't think he was very good with breaking up. Yet, he thought it would come later. Like the summer after he graduated high school. But he guessed it was best. Still it stung deep. Especially, how Derrick broke up with him in a short phone call.

Yet, he couldn't eat or sleep. Now, he felt more like a zombie of some kind, dragging himself at work. Perhaps he'd let Lola down at lunch. They always ate together. But there was Max and Daisy for her to chat with. Usually, she was the quiet sort, even when he was there. She listened, and she was a lot more shy than he suspected.

Actually, he sort of wondered if something might be wrong with her. She was that kind of quiet. But he hadn't speculated anything. She didn't go to special classes. She never went to the office or had to make time during the week to see a psychologist. Still, Lola was awful quiet and nothing at all like her name. No, she was more of a Lisa or a Nell, maybe even a Jane. Yet, he had to wonder what was her secret? Lola did know how to enjoy her own company.

He remembered asking her the general question every Monday morning.,"What did you do this weekend?"

"Nothing really?" She sounded a bit indifferent, but he'd get a smile out of her, sooner or later. Of course, right now, he didn't feel the need to even try to smile. This whole thing with Derrick had knocked the air out of him. It felt as if he was off kilter. The rhythm he knew of his everyday life was not there.

Derrick wasn't there in the hallway waiting for him at school. No brief intermissions at 10 in the morning. And there was no one waiting for him that last fifteen minutes before the library closed.

Ian wished this was just a bad case of the flu. He wanted to say it was over Derrick. Yet, the aftermath still shook through him like little aftershocks. And he doubted himself now. He doubted he'd ever know anyone quite like he knew Derrick.

He squinted hard in thought, wondering then, did he really know Derrick? Did he know he'd do this? He'd sounded so cold on the phone. It was as if Derrick never felt a thing for him at all. It hurt to know this now. To live with it.

Ian pushed an empty cart back to the other empty book carts at the library. Just then he noticed Lola standing there all bundled up with a dish of something sweet.

"I made fudge." She seemed sad about it. "I'm not suppose to eat it."

"Then why did you make it?" Ian wanted to know.

"I dunno. I never made it before." She sighed. "Sometimes, I cook, just to cook."

"Really?" He'd never thought of just cooking.

"Its different things. I made eggrolls once. My brother said they were good." She didn't smile when she spoke. "Anyway, I -I thought you might be hungry. I haven't seen you at lunch, lately.'

"About that." Ian suddenly felt sad, as if he'd let her down.

"Its OK. I used to take walks around the school, at lunch, but then, you know, you started wanting-" She stopped. She handed over the container of fudge. "Well, here." She didn't say anymore. He was left with the fudge. She turned to go.

"Well, wait." He needed to thank her. "Thanks, for thinking of me." He wanted her to know. He reached to give her a hug. At first she stood there as if she didn't understand it, but finally, she gave in and hugged him back.

He started to weep. He doubted she knew how much he needed this.

if its not one thing

2011-12-03T01:03:00.045-06:00

Rachel was glad Amanda gave her the low down on Matt. She felt as if Asa wasn't telling her the complete truth about him. Just his way of not wanting her to worry about Matt, but when she came over Thanksgiving night, she knew why Matt wasn't home.

"Did Ruthie tell you not to come back?" Rachel really wished she hadn't asked. She wasn't sure she could even get a sober answer out of her brother-in-law. She wanted to yell at him but knew she couldn't make a scene.

It wasn't until she got home she picked up the phone to call Ruthie.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Sam reminded her that her sister was with her kids at her parents. It was best to leave it alone for another day. Rachel guessed he was right, but she still called home. Asked how the holiday went.

It was funny how her parents still adored Matt, but would have nothing to do with Sam. It was as if he alone had taken her away from them. Naturally, she was in tears by the time she got off the phone.

"Now, lets think about this." Sam put his arm around her, got her settle on the couch. "Now how happy would you be if you were there, right now?"

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. It was true, she didn't like their rules. She'd have to be stuck with possibly a potential suitor who they approved of.

"We can see how happy Ruthie and Matt are, now can't we?" Sam smiled.

She nodded. Still she hated being torn. Why did she still care? She felt certain her parents didn't really care what she was doing now.

"But..but they are glad the football team is winning." She almost laughed. How ridiculous was that? The only reason they might like Sam, being part of a winning football season.

Sam shook his head.

"Its just..I know, Ruthie should divorce him. She should. But she won't." Rachel was still concerned about her sister. "What if..what if Matt ends up in prison?"

"You're being kind of pessimistic about that, you know." Sam slightly chuckled as he looked at Rachel.

"I can't help it." Rachel hated to think the worst.

hardly a question

2011-12-02T01:03:00.014-06:00

Ellie didn't get anywhere with Blake at Thanksgiving. In fact, he left suddenly the day before.

"I dunno why you worry." Lon told her on their drive to pick up Hannah.

"I don't worry." She winced as she sat in the front seat alone with Lon.

"Yes, you do. You are worrying right now, wondering what Charlie is doing, or if Zoe is taking a nap." Lon looked over at her.

"Have I said anything about that?" They couldn't exactly argue with Kenny sitting in the back seat. Of course, he was playing a video game.

"Blake is fine." Lon sighed.

"Well, Hannah told me something." Ellie let slip.

"What?" He looked a tad cross. She knew he was tired, wishing Hannah's grandparents could bring her all the way home. Of course, his parents had gone out of their way to meet Hannah, too.

"She says that Blake talks to someone, all the time. She thinks he has a son or a daughter, or something." Ellie shrugged.

"Maybe he does." Lon was laid back about it "Its none of our business."

"OK, maybe its not, its just..you know."

"We don't want to know." Lon told her. "If he wants us to know, he'll tell us."

Ellie sucked in a breath. She wanted to say more, but she knew he wouldn't want to hear it. He didn't like her snooping in other people's lives. It wasn't like she was Nancy Drew, she thought. It wasn't that she thought she'd find out something big, either. But if Blake had family, why was he hiding it?

on a cold cold day

2011-12-01T01:02:00.040-06:00

Nothing phased Derrick, anymore. A part of him thought he had more confidence now, landing the lead in the high school musical. It didn't exactly start out that way. He was going out for the supporting part, which he got. Then he learned the lead's lines and when that football player dropped out..well, guess who got it?

It was a fun surprise. Sort of. Sure, it was hard work. And a lot of pressure, but he was resilient. He was up for it. Unfortunately, he lost Ian in the process. It was a time issue, actually. He'd put the Lola and Ian thing behind him. He didn't have time to dwell about what Ian may or may not do. Besides, he had a whole new crowd of people to socialize with and that was the clique that appreciated him.

Still, Ian hadn't decided to say they were through. Of course, he did bring Lola with him on Opening Night at the school musical. Yet, Derrick hadn't let it provoke him into some sort of madness. Instead, he immersed himself into another play.

This time around, he worked on the technical aspect of it. It was hands on. But fun. Painting sets with friends, working sound. It was a whole new world, and he was always needed for something.

Yet, the phone calls and texts became less and less. He really needed to give up on Ian. Possibly, it was over, this rift between them.

"I hope you haven't gotten me anything for Christmas." Derrick knew that sounded cold, but as it was he was sitting out on the steps by the props room waiting for one of the girls to get there to open it. He'd finally remembered to call. Before Ian could say what was on his mind. "Look, I haven't gotten you anything. I dunno ..if I even have time for Christmas, you know." He'd been asked to be in a city wide Christmas musical, and he'd been happy to be a part of it. The stage did something to him. Maybe it was even better than being in love. Or was it love for an audience? "I don't mean to be so selfish, but you know, you have your stuff. Now I have mine."

He listened to Ian go on for a while about how he'd missed him. How he didn't know what went wrong. "Are we breaking up?" Ian's words finally woke him up.

Just then he saw the theater geeks he knew climbing up the stairs. Some black girl named Nicole wanted to know who he was talking to. He smiled without meaning to. "I guess we are."

up until now

2011-11-30T02:00:00.062-06:00

Josie knew it was coming. She sensed it long before it actually happened. She was losing Max.

Maybe it was the fact he knew too much about her. She couldn't help it. He was such a good listener. And she needed someone to listen. But here she was being his chauffeur now. Josie looked up in her review mirror to see Daisy in her stupid hat, all giggly with Max. They were holding hands.

Josie fumed in disgust, but she couldn't dare let Max know how she felt about this situation.

True, it was cold and traces of snow about, but Daisy wore that stupid hat with the ears, long before the weather took a turn for the worse. Josie gritted, wishing she hadn't said she would drive them to the mall. Daisy wanted to go to Hot Topic. A place her parents forbid.

"Its not like I'm Goth or anything," Daisy said a few minutes later when they were out of the cold, and she was looking at EMILY THE STRANGE T-shirts.

Josie wanted to tell her she knew Daisy was just a nerd. What in the world did Max see in her? But Josie remained closed mouth.

Of course, he was full of confidence. He was going to start Driver's Ed in January. She couldn't imagine him driving a car, especially in ice and snow.

Josie tried not to sulk so noticeably, but she was beginning to hate everything, once again. Her life, Max, the ugly desire to still find Jules and make him want her. It disgusted her that she still wanted him when it was easy to see he was not going to change his mind. Besides, she'd moved on. Hadn't she?

Not exactly. She was trying. And she had Max. Or she did? There were no guarantees. She looked back at the two of them, so cozy. It wasn't easy to accept this. Letting Max be completely smitten with someone. But she knew he wouldn't listen. He saw how he looked at Daisy.

"Can I help you find anything?" The voice took Josie by surprised as she turned to see someone with a thick head of curls. She couldn't help but smile. The clerk was edgy. Well, he did work at Hot Topic. But still, something lifted her spirits about him.

"Are you in a band?" She couldn't help but ask. He looked like someone she should know. But not exactly. Josie tried her best not to look so interested. Except she was. Even weak at the knees.

"Why yes, I am." He seemed pleased that she asked.

"Huh?" She wanted to breathe him in. His name was Topher who talked quite a bit about his band. She didn't care if they weren't big time. Just the local scene. They were the Wrist Cutters.

Josie left without buying a thing, but it was Topher's phone number written on her wrist that she couldn't stop staring at. Josie smiled with pleasure. Priceless.

what might be next

2011-11-29T02:28:00.062-06:00

"So how is that little man of yours?" Jules brought back Ian's suit.

Ian was never sure just how snide Jules's remarks were. Was he trying to be cute or jealous?

"I don't really know." Ian sighed. "Things just haven't been right with us, since Derrick got that part in the musical. He's busy. I guess." No, Derrick didn't spend Thanksgiving with him. Ian felt a little lost at the moment. Not sure what was happening. "Maybe it was before he even got the part." Ian shrugged then.

"Well, that's a shame." Jules hung up the suit where he found it. "I wasn't in the suit, all that long." Jules smirked then as if he had his own bubble of information he'd rather gush about.

"I take it, it went well?" Ian hugged himself as he looked Jules over. His smile was genuine, yet he wasn't being an ass about it.

"Depends how you look at it." Jules squirmed a squint as if he didn't want to jinx it. "This whole thing at the college is really an undertaking. Except, well...Will makes it all better."

"Will?" Ian looked at him funny as if he didn't know a Will.

"Jonah's sister." Jules bit his upper lip as if not to give too much away, but Ian had never seen this side of him. Perhaps Jules was maturing.

"Are you keeping secrets from me?" Ian was intrigued.

"Not anymore, than you are from me." Jules held in a laugh.

"What do you mean?" Ian wasn't following, as Jules made himself at home in Ian's room. He plopped himself on the bed as if he could easily take a snooze, yet he was more awake than ever.

"Oh, you were on campus other day. With a lass, I might add. What's that about?" Jules pursed his lips as if he knew something juicy.

"You saw me with Lola?" Ian slightly flushed.

"Lola? Sexy." Jules winked.

"Its not like that." Ian shook his head, no. "We talk."

"Who says, that's not sexy, huh?" Jules pressed with a sly smile. "I think you have a girlfriend, mate."

"She is not a girlfriend." Ian shook his head, no, but he was still full of laughter.

"The catch is mate, you have to know when to fold'm." Jules gave him shrug. He popped back up, giving Ian a playful punch. "This thing with Derrick may have run its course."

"No." But it pained Ian to speak of Derrick. Suddenly, it was frustrating to even say his name while all the while it was comfort to be in Lola's company.

But I'm not gonna help you up

2011-11-28T02:00:00.030-06:00

"So has Matt just moved in with us permanently..or what?" Amanda wasn't sure if she could take another day of a certain someone sleeping on their couch. She gave Asa a cross look, who was taking his leisure time on his laptop in bed. He looked super studious in his black framed glasses, but she had a feeling he was reading Anime online.

It was the holidays, and she was hoping for some time with Pearl, but what would Elliot think if he came over to find a drunk in their livingroom. "He's just an accident, waiting to happen."

Not that Matt drank at their house. Usually, he'd call about ten or so at night, asking for a ride to their place. Then he'd crash in the livingroom.

"He is not." Asa begged to differ. He shut his laptop and took off his glasses. "We go way back."

"Well, how far back do you have to go? When he's here ...ALL THE TIME."

"All right, he has a problem." Asa admitted. "But I wouldn't want him driving."

"Doesn't he have a family he needs to go home too?" Amanda was tired of him, using there's. "I just want it to be us. Not some stranger in the livingroom."

"He's not a stranger." Asa clarified.

Amanda gritted before she could say anymore, but the truth was..why couldn't Asa see he was enabling someone, who really needed help.

fallout

2011-11-27T01:59:00.085-06:00

"Come on, now..you seriously couldn't see that coming?" Ste said it almost like a joke and that hurt Jonah more.

"What do you mean?" Jonah winced hard. He would have had a complete melt down if Ste hadn't been here. He would have thrown things, broken things. He just couldn't control himself, sometimes. But Ste was here, and he didn't want to dare show that side of himself.

"The way he looked at your sister." Ste looked at hm blankly as if Jonah should have known. "She's crazy about him. Jules can't get enough of her."

"I don't know what you mean." Jonah squinted hard. A part of him wanted to tell Ste to shut up. He gritted, shaking his head...no.

"Not everyone is going to like you, Jo." Ste patted him on the back. Jonah did his best to be still. His reflexes for such a moment usually meant him tensing more.

"What did I do? Why does this keep happening to me?" Jonah slipped slowly away from Ste's hand as if he'd some how slipped away before a spider might grab him.

"You have to let it go. Possibly, it wasn't you at all." They were hanging out in Jonah's massive kitchen, looking at cereal boxes. Only, they hadn't decided. Jules and Willow were on his mind.

"No. It was me." Jonah was certain. "I'm..I'm too sensitive."

"Well, you might have a point there." Ste squinted in agreement as he picked up a box of cereal. He shook it gently as if to find the weight of it.

Jonah stared at Ste then. They had such a beautiful friendship when it came to letters. It was so different that he was here. Why couldn't it be exactly like he pictured in his mind. But he knew Ste was engaged with some girl he'd known since school. But they broke up and he guessed that's why Ste really showed up.

Jonah wasn't hungry. He crossed his arms and plopped in a chair at the kitchen table. Tears emerged which he detested even more. Jules was making him sick.

"I suppose he made me think of you." Jonah let slip.

"What?" Ste cracked up. "Are you serious?"

"Quite..serious." Jonah managed to say with his face a mess. Even his nose was running, but he didn't care. "I guess I lie to myself... must be it." He felt he could hardly breathe now.

Ste brought him coffee.

"You should come back with me. I dunno, why you even left before." Ste told him there was a still a job for him at the recording studio. It might have been only an indie music studio, but Jonah was missed. "You adored that job."

Jonah looked up at him and bit his bottom lip.

"I would just be a burden." He shook his head, no.

"That's not true." Ste assured him as he sat at the table with him drinking black coffee. "I like having someone on staff, who's not going to party the night away. You're the most organized bloke, I know."

"I know." Jonah nodded. "But..but you'll be seeing someone else, and..and I know I can never have that." Just when he thought the tears went away, his face was still warm with emotion.

"You telling me, its my fault now?" Ste's glare swallowed Jonah with more emotion. He finally nodded.

"If you don't want to write me, anymore." Jonah sighed.

"You know, I couldn't help myself. I love hearing from you." He was serious. "I could still get my e-mails from you, even if you were there." He reminded him. "I love your words. You're so expressive. You still write about that mystical beast?"

"I might." Jonah cleared his throat.

Ste just smiled. "You're coming back, and you'll show them, you'll be fine, on your own."

Jonah nodded. He just wasn't sure if his mother would go for it.

Its a shame, its a pity

2011-11-26T01:58:00.046-06:00

Leon didn't know what to make of Jared at first. Had he came all this way to stir up trouble?

As it was Leon knew they were strangers at Amanda's house, but he was glad they could do something for the holiday. As it was Roger was being his miserable self, or so Leon thought. He wished Roger could have been nice around Jared.

"I can see you're going through...something." Leon finally got around to talk, trying to get Jared to open up. Jared put on a good game face around Jai. And it was good for Jai to see his Dad. Of course, Jared roughhoused around with Jai for the most part. Still Jai, was happy to stay with Rosie, instead of going back with them.

"Jai really feels at home, you know, with Rox and Kyle." Leon hoped Jared wasn't here to break that up.

"I know." Jared got on the defensive, though.

"But I know he's glad, you're here." Leon supposed they had a lot of catching up to do. Although, Jared didn't make plans to come back and see Jai.

Of course, bringing back some chunks of Amanda's pumpkin cheese cake helped. They made a feast on it after Tyra went to get ready for bed. They were quiet for some time.

"You know, I can't choose." Jared squinted hard as he finished off a glass of cold milk.

"About what?" Leon looked at him a bit confused.

"DeAnn wants me to choose, you know. Its either her and Nan..or ...Jai." He shook his head. "When, we first got together, she knew about Jai..she, she said ..it wasn't a problem. But now, its a problem. She left me. She's making it hard to see the baby." He sighed. "I just wish, I knew..how to make it right, you know."

Leon didn't know what to say. He felt sad for Jared.

"We'll call Amanda, tomorrow. I have a feeling she'll be happy if we take the kids off her hands." Leon put the pie away. He knew Jared needed family, and Leon supposed he was sort of Jai, uncle. Maybe that was enough to be family.

Lets be in love

2011-11-25T01:58:00.081-06:00

Jules felt like the whole day was wasted at Jonah and Willow's. It was rather immaculate, come to think of it. He'd borrowed a suit from Ian to wear for the THANKSGIVING occasion. It was far to stuffy for Jules' taste. And he had to sit next to Jonah. Of course, he stared at Willow the entire time. He couldn't help but smile.

Ste seemed interesting enough. He and Jonah had a few laughs from old stories back in London together. Jules waited for the pain-staking day to end. If it ever would. What had he gotten himself into? It was strangling him as much as the black tie he wore.

He'd decided he didn't like this American holiday, at all. At this rate, just how awful would Christmas be? He felt he worked 24/7 as it was. If there was any free-time, it was with Jonah. Jules was rather glum. He was sure if Jonah's family had an open bar, he'd be into it. As it was, he just wanted to get away. He could hardly stand it.

"Don't start anything." Willow kept away from him. She'd laughed at Ste's jokes, too. This was rather aggravating to Jules who didn't want Willow to like a thing about Ste.

"Why would I?" He'd grumbled. Of course, he watched her mouth move and wished to kiss her, so badly. It felt wrong to be here. So false, he wanted it to be true with Willow, not some dream that didn't really exist.

Of course, they hadn't any time to talk.

"I want to go home." He announced as if something came up. Jules had wanted to say something entirely different. Like telling Jonah they were threw. What a charade. It was time for all this to be over. Why did they all have to satisfy Jonah?

He had to listen to Jonah go on about how it was hardly an evening. Wasn't he up for a movie? Didn't he want to hang out with Ste?

"Not really." He tried to explain how he needed to rest. Even if he had off the day after Thanksgiving. There were things he needed to do. He left out the part about the things he wanted to do with Willow. But as the hours prolonged, he was ready to explain it all to Jonah..if he were going to have a problem..with this...

Willow hated keeping secrets. A part of her felt sad that perhaps her mother really never knew her because she was fussing over Jonah so much. Yes, she understood Jonah was special, perhaps he was spoiled too. He'd always been quite sensitive. They only ate what he liked. He didn't like to be touched. Yet, he wanted everyone's attention. It was always Jonah's way or no way.

How long could she let this go on? It was time to speak up. A first she wanted to announce something herself at dinner. She was proud to be a part of the business which she wanted Jules to be a part of. She believed in him. She did. But as she looked around, it was all talk about Jonah and his work in the music business and how he'd had the time of his life in Europe.

"Why don't you go back?" She said out of the blue while their father was cutting pumpkin pie. They were fending for themselves this year. No maid nor housekeeper around to keep them seated. "I think you should. You and Ste. Like old times." Her eyes lit with a certain madness. She wanted Jonah out of her hair for good. It was simple to see what her parents were up, too. They wanted her to take care of him. Some day, they'd have a place together, her and her brother. Maybe right here. It pained her at the thought. Perhaps she wanted to be away from Jonah as much as she knew Jules did.

Jonah looked at her startled. His open grin chided her more.

"I'm going into business with Oliver and Jules." She said as if she might get out her lap top this second and work on a web page for them.

Her parents looked at her as if this was no time for an April Fools joke in November. That's when she knew it was time for her and Jules to leave.

"What does this mean?" Jules asked later once they got back to his place.

"What do you want it to mean?" Of course, they'd laughed all the way there and kissed a good portion of it in the stairwell. Didn't he already know? His round eyes looked as if he'd gotten Christmas early.

"You have to know, I've never felt this way about anyone...like..." He seemed so happy, but she thought he might be crying. "I'm crazy about you, you know, but what if I mess it up. I don't want to mess it up with you." He hugged her close.

"I'm not that fragile, am I?" She laughed then.

"But what if your parents are furious. And they disown you..and.." He looked at her as if this might be the craziest decision she'd ever made.

"Don't worry so much."

She kissed him as if this was their world in this little room while the night got colder and the snow's soft blanket was pure.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2011-11-24T01:57:00.097-06:00

Amanda didn't know if she were up for this on Thanksgiving. Especially, when tomorrow she'd be in major all day activities for the State youth choir. What had she got herself into?

At least, there was Asa to depend on. She had Rosie and Jai to take on for the day. Thankfully, she didn't have baby Pearl to worry about. As it was Matt was still sleeping on their couch, occasionally, And he was back today. If that wasn't enough, even more unexpected guest. Jai's dad was spending the day.

Here it was five in the morning and she was trying to get the turkey in the oven. Derrick was no help. She would have thought he got the lead role in the musical at school, but he was only one of the supporting cast. Still, he was never home these days and when he was, she hated to talk to him. He could be in a rage over the smallest things. No, he'd be no help today.

But there was Max, and he was already up. He'd promised to help with the potato rolls. He looked so tired. She wanted to tell him to go back to bed.

"Dinner is still straight up noon, right?" Max wanted to know.

"Yeap." Amanda was getting her cranberry salad ready. Oh, how she'd wished she'd bought it at the deli. She went to pour herself more coffee.

"Good." Max got the potatoes to boiling. "Can I leave as soon as I eat?" He hugged himself, looking at her as if he had a secret.

"For what?" She needed to round up clean up duty. Heaven knows she'd need a nap by 12:30.

"Um, sort of have something to go to." He shrugged.

"Oh really? Josie have anything to do with this?" Amanda wanted to know, but Max shook his head.

"I-met- Look there is this girl who's been helping me with math...and ..and she wants me to come over. Have Thanksgiving with her family." Max smiled all over.

"Sure." Amanda smiled back. "You go as soon as we're done. Do we need to drive you?"

"No, she can pick me up." Max smiled as if it was a relief now.

"Good, we can all meet her then." Amanda smirked. Max didn't seem fond of the idea.

"When were you going to tell me, you were letting this guy stay here?" Roger wasn't fond of just letting anyone stay at his house. It was his house, still, even if Leon was acting like it was his, now.

"Come on, its ONLY for a few days." Leon shook his head. "Jared just wants to see his son. That's all there is to it. I'm sure he'll be going, probably Sunday."

"All right." Roger was a bit sullen. He was hoping for a nice quite Thanksgiving. Which meant, no sweets, nothing to put Ryan in a tizzy. She was not fond of the holidays now. Perhaps, she looked as if she hadn't a worry in the world being her thin self, but it was her blood sugar she worried over. At least Leon and Tyra were taking Jared to Amanda's for the day. "Just get out of here." Ryan was still asleep. Roger was still trying to think of a no-fat, no-sugar Thanksgiving for Ryan.

He prepared toast with Ryan's special diabetic bread. Even found the olive oil based spread in the fridge. Next was the no-sugar marmalade. Roger brought this breakfast to bed. It felt good to take care of her, and when he saw her smile, he was glad she was letting him.

There was a turkey somewhere on the long table. Actually, it was two tables that Ian and Eric put together. There was the kiddie table too. Eric's house was full with relatives and friends. It was more of a potluck than anything. Of course, Charlie would only eat spaghetti, mac'n cheese and mashed potatoes.

"I've never seen anything like it?" Liz watched the kids eat at the kiddie table. "And what's with the pomegranates?" Charlie had two he was holding on too.

"He thinks they're balls." Ellie told her. Liz stepped back before Charlie chunked one at her. She knew he was a lot to handle. At least her little one was congenial enough. His Dad Kip held him.

"Still no apartment yet?" Syd nudged Liz.

"Nope, not yet." She told them in the kitchen that he was trying to catch up on child support. "I'd easily forget it, you know."

"Oh, you know you'll miss him, once he's got his own place." Syd held in a laugh as she went to get more ants on a log for the kids.

"I don't think so." Liz said under her breath.

"Where's this Jules? Wasn't he coming today?" Ellie looked around the livingroom of people.

"He had a prior engagement." Oliver handed over a glass of white sparkly wine to her.

"Prior engagement?" Ellie hadn't met him yet, but she'd gotten an earful from Eric about him.

"He's got a boyfriend now." Ian smirked.

"How nice. Sounds like he's gonna be in the states for awhile." She guessed.

"I'm not sure how long it'll last." Ian told her. "Even if its really true. But he felt obligated, you know." As it was Ian was alone, but he got a text about then. He smiled when he looked at it.

Food wasn't on everyone's mind.

on the road again

2011-11-23T01:56:00.025-06:00

It took most of the afternoon and well into the night for Lon to drive Hannah home for Thanksgiving.

"Do you think she's all right?" Ellie spent most of the afternoon working on pies. Charlie was helping, making snakes out of pie dough.

"Well, she had Kenny to talk too." Lon just shrugged.

"Good, old Kenny." Ellie supposed it might be a romance. They seemed to be close friends.

"And he does like to talk." Lon yawned, getting a glass of milk.

"It couldn't have been that bad." Ellie smiled bringing him some sugar cookies that were by Charlie's design. He liked to make hands.

"I guess, you know, who's going with me, to pick her up." He crunched on a cookie.

"Really? Are you serious?" Kenny was going back with him?

"Yeap, Kenny can hardly wait." He looked up at Ellie.

"Should I come?" Ellie wondered.

"It would be nice to have a grownup, but I know." He sighed wishing there was an easier way to do this.

"Syd could keep the kids. It would be fine. I'll call her." Ellie knew they could do this.

"Sure, its a date." He ate another cookie as if he was determined to get through this holiday.

living out loud

2011-11-22T01:56:00.039-06:00

Kyle remembered Jared's warning. It sounded like old news. Some other Rox. Not the Roxie he knew. He took it all in with a grain of salt. The wedding went as planned, and he and Rox went to New York City.

He knew she wasn't expecting a trip so big. Just the two of them. It was a far cry from their little ceremony by the indoor carousel at the pizza place. Really, it was romantic enough...with plenty of pizza for everyone. Of course, they were the first ones to ever be married there. Rosie and Jai loved it. Especially when they got the first carousel ride.

"Well, I did talk to Vanessa." Rox finally fessed up about talking to Jared's wife. "I dunno exactly what's going on. I thought they were happy."

"You really, think, he'll be here when we get back?" After all, they had Time Square to explore. Ice skating. Shopping. It felt so much warmer in the city.

"I hope not, but if he is-"

"Then maybe he'll see Jai, more." Kyle wouldn't deprive him of that.

Rox held him tighter as if she would not waver. Somehow, he knew this would make them both stronger. He would not think of that girl who had made life difficult for someone. He smiled back. Possibly, some people just brought out the good in others. Hopefully, Jared would soon see that..in someone.

the fun of the holidays

2011-11-21T01:55:00.030-06:00

"You know, if you don't see your mother for Thanksgiving, you'll have to go at Christmas." Lon reminded Hannah who was in no hurry to get ready for the trip. He was meeting her mother's parents in Oklahoma City, where he'd meet them again, the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

"But I don't wanna go." She thought she'd miss out on everything here.

"You're not gonna miss out." He assured her, but she was moody and acting more like a baby than Charlie ever did.

"I'm sorry, but they want to see you." He knew for both holidays, but he told them they'd only get one.

"I don't know them anymore." She swore in a little stomp.

"Yes, you do." He watched her stomp more as if this was killing her slowly. "They are expecting you." There had been nightly phone calls about the matter. She'd stay at the grandparents. She'd been happy on those phone calls.

"It'll be boring." She hugged herself.

"Only, if you want it to be." Lon stared her down as if he'd had enough. It would be a long drive. It would be just the two of them. "You have to try, try to understand, how they feel. They don't understand why you'd want to be here, in the first place."

She swelled a frown. "Could? Could..you know who..go with us?"

"Who?" Lon winced. Hopefully, it wasn't Charlie because that would not be a good trip.

what a little birdie might hear

2011-11-20T01:42:00.074-06:00

Charlie stood as still as possible. Actually, Hannah thought he looked pretty angry, but that was his serious look, with his chubby fingers planted on his hips. He watched every move she made putting the silver blue nail polish on his toes.

Hannah couldn't help but grin. Ever so often, she could get him quiet like this. He loved his toenails polished. Perhaps, it was just relaxing. Next thing she knew, his fingers were in her hair. He grabbed wads of it.

"Don't." She snapped. He listened. At least. He knew he had to be still. It was quiet, and she heard Ellie on the phone in the kitchen with her own mother, not Hannah's as she first suspected.

"He's not gay." She heard her say. Immediately, Hannah knew who they were talking about. Blake. "I dunno where he's spending Thanksgiving."

As it was, they were still working on the little guesthouse out back. Kyle was here this week and Rosie and Jai came along. Hannah had played with them just to make Kenny from down the street, jealous.

Later, Kenny told her she was just mean. This hurt Hannah's feelings more. At the moment, they were not friends. And it was getting cold. Everyone was staying in. But of course, she wondered what Kenny would think of Charlie's toe-nails. Maybe she could paint Kenny's toe nails. The idea made her smile.

"You didn't paint Charlie's finger nails, did you?" Ellie was off the phone now. She was in a tizzy, although, she was quiet about it. Hannah knew Ellie was never in a good mood after getting off the phone with her mother.

"Just his toenails." Hannah shrugged. Her Dad didn't like Charlie to have his fingernails painted. As it was, a lot of people always asked Charlie if he were a girl. How could they even think it, she thought. If they knew Charlie, he was a ball of energy ready to bounce off anything. And he loved cars, Legos and throwing things. And that other thing, always kicking Dad where it would hurt the most.

How could anybody be worried that Charlie might think he was a girl. He'd even tell strangers he had a penis. He might even show it to them, if he felt like it, but at least that only happened once. But these were the adventures in toilet training, and he was going to the bathroom, lately.

Ellie sighed with relief.

"You know, I don't think Blake is alone." Hannah said.

"What do you mean?" Ellie winced as if it was the first she'd heard of it.

"He talks everyday to someone on his cell. He asks them about school, and stuff. I think he's gotta kid." Hannah just assumed.

"How do you know that?" Ellie didn't believe her.

"It sounds like something Daddy would do. You know, telling her he loves her." Hannah shrugged as she went to put her nail polish away. Charlie went to turn on the TV and found a DVD on cats.

"Why doesn't he talk more?" Ellie sighed as she went to check on the baby who woke up.

"You know, you talk a lot." Hannah followed Ellie.

"I do not." Ellie winced.

"Uh-huh." Hannah grinned. "You tell Dad all sort of things about me and my friends. All the time."

Ellie sighed, eyeballing her.

"You need to listen more." Hannah informed her. After all, Hannah knew everything going on because she listened.

it couldn't be that bad

2011-11-19T01:41:00.020-06:00

Leon did his best to jump in before Jared could start up trouble. He could see it in Rox's eyes that this couldn't be good.

"Hey, I've heard so much about you." Leon was all grins, shaking Jared's hand. "How about we have a drink. Go outside, get some air."

Jared was friendly enough. Soon enough, Leon had him a drink. The nontoxic kind. Just a soda.

"You OK?" Leon winced thinking Jared just might swoop in and take his son with him.

"I-I ..she never lets me see him. You know that." Jared was bitter as if he might break down in tears. It was like he had two gears. Set him off in a rage, or have him cry like a baby. "I just want to see my boy."

"You sure that's all it is?" Leon knew there had to be more. "I mean, he thinks the world of you. Jai, knows you're the best. And your a cop, too. You can't bring yourself down, man. Not right now."

He finally told Leon that he'd left his wife. She didn't like the idea of him coming to see his son.

"Why does she make me choose?" Jared shook his head. "Its either her way, or nothing."

"I dunno what to tell you." Leon didn't, but he said he could stay there through the wedding. Maybe for good, if need be.

a slight headache

2011-11-18T01:40:00.040-06:00

Having the wedding shower in the same week of the wedding was cutting it close, but it would be over soon. Rox just didn't get why she had to have these panic attacks at this moment. Just why was she so nervous?

She had her sisters around to make over her with the wedding gown and party. Of course, it might have been silly having the whole wedding at the pizza place that the kids loved. Jazmin told her how idiotic it was, but she was still in the wedding. But this wasn't what bothered her at the moment.

There was this thought of something dreadful..was impending. Just how would she get through the rest of this week? While, Kyle on the other hand had been busy every evening helping with this guest house as they called it, for Blake. Still, he was happy at the wedding shower. It was all so great to have all their friends there. Lots of presents. Jai got people to dance after the presents were opened. It was a party. How could she not be happy?

"What's wrong?" Her little sister asked.

"Nothing." But she thought she might throw up. "Maybe, I need an aspirin." She decided. What if she were having a heart-attack?

"You don't look well." She told her. Rox guessed as much. Perhaps she wasn't as strong as she thought she was. But it could have been a panic attack.

"Guess who's here?" Jai found them in the kitchen.

"Who?" Maybe this was it. Maybe that's what it was. This sense of someone, she wasn't looking forward to seeing.

"DAD!" Jai was ecstatic. Before she knew it, there Jared was scooping Jai up as if that's what he always did when he came to visit.

Rox tried not to have a melt down. There was no reason for it. Jared just smiled as if he liked to be trouble.

its going around

2011-11-17T01:39:00.024-06:00

Penelope had waited. But it was impossible not to want to share it with her sister. Yet, this was Kyle and Rox's wedding shower. It was a happy occasion even if she didn't exactly know them. But there were presents and food and laughter. It was so positive. It energized her, all the more. And to think her mother could keep a secret.

"Oh My God." Olivia dropped a dish in the sink. She'd guessed. Evidently. She looked Penelope over. "You're pregnant!"

"What?" Now Penelope wanted to look at herself. Was she getting fat? "NO." Penelope wasn't sure what was on Olivia's mind. "That's not it." She hugged herself, wishing she had more of the moist cake in her mouth so maybe she could keep this a secret a little longer. But she couldn't. "We eloped."

Olivia just stared at her as if she couldn't have possibly heard correctly.

"What are you talking about?" Olivia looked at her stunned.

"Yeah, we decided to just do it." Penelope so giddy, couldn't help but be excited. "We went to Vegas over the weekend." It wasn't exactly planned. She saw how cheap the airfare was. "It was just for the weekend."

"Did Elvis marry you?" Olivia winced hard.

"No, there are some very nice places out there, for such occasion. It was nice. Neither, of us had anytime to, you know..get a wedding together." Penelope shrugged.

"Huh." Olivia didn't look exactly happy. Penelope hugged her.

"I'm..I'm really happy for you." Olivia finally sighed in tears. "Its just..just..its suppose to be me and Ravi, you know. You've known Elliot..for how long?"

"Hey, you'll have a nice wedding. It'll be great. You two deserve a beautiful wedding. You do. Besides, Mom is still working on the wedding dress." Penelope reminded her.

Olivia bit her bottom lip. She nodded. Penelope put her arm around her. She knew Olivia was anxious, but her wedding would be here before she knew it.

now would be good

2011-11-16T01:39:00.039-06:00

Willow knew this was no time to get Jules alone, but hopefully, she could see him later. As it was, it was all so very diplomatic at the airport. Jonah was in stride, happy to see Ste. Even more happy to introduce him to her.

Next thing she knew they were at dinner. At least Jonah hadn't wanted to go to MacDonald's. To Jonah, that was splurging. At least it was a bit more fine dining, he had in mind. She hadn't a clue why he chose the steakhouse. Of course, he wanted her to only talk to Ste and no one else. She looked over at Jules who kept yawning while he studied the menu.

At least, his friend, Ste seemed normal enough. They had lots of catching up to do. Talk, she half listened too. All the while she kept watching Jules. This wasn't the place to set Jonah off. It would be a disaster with her name written all over it.

"Why would it be such a bad thing if he knew, about us?" Jules found the whole ordeal with Jonah ridiculous. They talked in the car after she dropped Jonah and Ste at home. Of course, Jonah wanted her to hurry back to chat with Ste.

"Because, he's sensitive." Willow kept being reminded of it, for ages now. It would be what her mother wanted. It was best to keep the peace with Jonah.

"Well, aren't we all? Just a little?" He was getting aggravated. "You can't treat him like a baby, all his life. You can't always get what you want." Jules pouted.

"If we could just get through the holidays," she decided. "Then we can, I guess, tell him." After all, she had a life too. Suddenly, she wanted to make sure Jules was a part of her life.

Of course, they cuddled which lead to more happiness. Soon enough, she'd forgotten the time once they got to his room. This was where she wanted to be. She could put her brother and his friend on hold.

never quite satisfied

2011-11-15T01:36:00.053-06:00

"What did you do to her?" Oliver was in a tizzy over Willow's offer. "What have you done?" He put Jules on the spot.

"Nothing." Jules thought it best to keep some things from Oliver. "She's only concerned. And she loves what you're doing. She does. Why else would she want to be a part of it? Right?"

Jules didn't want to make Oliver anymore upset than he was. Of course, he questioned Jules about working on his own. Did he really need anymore help? Honestly? Jules nursed on an energy drink. Although, he didn't like them. He would rather be in bed, right now. With someone who gave him a whole new kind of energy. But he didn't want to dare think it. Yet, it clearly occurred to Jules, it might not happen again. Especially, if Willow was going to into business with Oliver. Still, he was beaming that she wanted Oliver to make him a partner. He was ecstatic yet nervous.

He watched Oliver get on his laptop and look at the figures for his shop. There were graphs a charts showing how much he was spending and his making, as well. It was a bit mind boggling to Jules, but he thought if he had a chance..he could figure it out.

"I just don't want to go in the hole." Oliver shook his head.

"But she wants to give us money." Jules reminded him. "That's got to be a good thing."

"Then buy us out. That's what she'll do." Oliver shot him a look.

"Don't say that." Jules winced hard. "Willow is not like that. She's not." In his mind she was beautiful and everything wonderful. He wanted to keep her in that place, always.

Suddenly, a tap came to the store window. It was Jonah.

"Shit." Jules breathed under his breath.

"What? Who is it?" Oliver fretted as if no one was suppose to show up around here, after they were closed.

"Jonah." Jules sighed as if he really didn't want to see him.

"Come on." Jonah ordered as soon as Jules cracked the door open.

"Huh?" Jules winced, confused.

"We have to pick up Ste." Jonah told him.

"Who?" Jules still confused.

"At the airport. He wants to meet you." Jonah demanded.

"God, really? Must we?" Jules needed sleep. There was only one thing that might rejuvenate him, and it wasn't Jonah.

Jules shut the door and shook his head. He went to grab his old hoodie.

"I'll be back." He hoped this didn't take long. He hoped. But he found himself smiling as soon as he saw who was driving.

of course, its an occasion

2011-11-14T01:35:00.026-06:00

"What have you done?" Jonah sensed it. He scowled at his sister when he found her, practically laying on the couch eating a tuna sandwich. "You did something behind my back." He had a knack for this sort of thing, or so he thought.

"What do you mean?" She scowled back a little, but not much. Her mouth was full and she looked miserably tired.

"What did you do?" She was so messy. He disliked that about his sister.

"Nothing." She winced hard, eating her sandwich as if she were starved. "Its been a long couple of days, OK."

"Mom, doesn't like you eating in the living-room." He reminded her. His mother wanted the place perfect for the unexpected. "Beside, I'm expecting Ste. You have to clean up. Can't have you looking a mess." His friend from London was visiting. Had she forgot?

Willow looked up at him, trying to finish her sandwich. "All right, just let me finish."

"There is no time, I want to get the airport. Remember, we need to pick up Jules." Jonah shook his head, he'd been talking about Ste's visit for weeks. Willow was no help, at all.

Willow went to put her unfinished sandwich in the trash.

"Does Jules even know?" She glared at him.

"Of course, I mentioned it." Jonah looked at her as if the joke was on her.

"When?" Willow gave him a frantic look. Jonah rolled his eyes.

"Put on something nice." Jonah wished people took him more seriously. He certainly took them serious enough.

not a bad idea

2011-11-13T02:34:00.039-06:00

"If its troubling you that much," Lon said as he was making steps in the back yard. The snow thawed, it was warmer than usual. Besides, winter wouldn't really be setting in until next month, sometime. "We could build a shed out back."

"Oh, I dunno." Ellie shook her head, no.

"Go on, you know you want to do something for Blake." Lon shrugged. "God knows, how many hours he put in, with building that room on to the house."

"I know." Ellie bit her bottom lip. "Could we?" She talked about how the yard wasn't that big, but it was do-able at the back of the fence line.

"He might not have his own bathroom." Lon told her.

"Yeah, that would be so wrong." She guessed.

"Its not an apartment, you know. Just a guestroom. He could be away from the kids." Lon told her.

"What about power? It would be cold in the winter." Ellie shivered slightly in her old sweater.

"We'll insulate." An easy fix. "We'll just ask him about the power. He'd know about that." Lon decided.

Just then, Blake came out the patio door to see what was going on.

"What are you guys doing?" He was holding the baby and Charlie was right under him.

"Oh, we're just thinking." Lon chuckled.

"Thinking what?" Blake winced.

"Well, maybe you can help. What do you think about making your own space, out here?" Lon looked at him.

"Well...uh, I made a washroom once, out on a ranch." Blake shrugged.

"So it should be easy." Lon grinned.

"Yeah, I think it would." Blake grinned back.

Lon looked back at Ellie. "See, it wasn't so hard." Lon looked at the space. He hoped Blake could handle it. "I'll give Kyle a call. He could help."

it could be possible

2011-11-12T01:34:00.033-06:00

Ellie was pretty sure she should have called her mother, already. But she hadn't. As usual, she'd never hear the end of it. How could she have not gone to her Mom's Vegas wedding?

"You really have to stop letting her put you on such a guilt trip." Blake told her. Of course, he'd made it to the wedding, and still had time to help Lon with the new edition to the house. This meant he'd stayed with them the last few weeks. It was kind of nice having another step-brother around. Just when she thought all their household needs could be met by Kyle, there was Blake when Kyle wasn't around.

"I want to." Ellie was doing her best to manage part-time at the dental place where Syd worked. It had been a struggle, but she was glad to have the job. At least Hannah made sure to get sick after lunch. Yet all their shots were up to date, flu shots included. Everyone seemed so much healthier this year. "How do you do it?" He was the good son. Her mother doted on him when she could. Of course, he was around a lot, then he could be mysterious and aloof, as well. Blake didn't exactly have a job. He didn't have anyone in his life. Ellie was slowly understanding him. She guessed. Honestly, she'd never met anyone quite like Blake.

"In little doses." He'd been free-lancing in Wyoming. He'd helped on the pipe-line. Something about welding. She wasn't sure if he were an artist or a welder by trade. Perhaps both. He'd done a fine job, helping with the new bedroom and bathroom. He'd even moved Hannah into their old room. So now the kids had their own bedrooms. Now Lon was thinking they needed another bedroom on the other side of the house, but first they had to pay this new edition.

"If I only I had time for little doses." She might not look as if she stressed, but she did. She'd always stress a little, she supposed. "But you, where do you keep all your stuff? Don't you want your own home?" He wasn't exactly tramping across the states, but then again, his work boots were plenty wore out and his clothes were wearing thin. Maybe they did need a place for him. A room he could at least come home to, when he was around. But then she remembered what Lon said to her, maybe he liked it this way.

refresh my memory

2011-11-11T01:33:00.054-06:00

"You sure, it'll be all right to have the wedding shower here?" Olivia looked around Roger's place. It felt so empty now. No new roommates since she and Ravi left.

"Why not?" Roger looked at her blankly. "Oh, you think its a bad idea, don't you?" It was as if he remembered, suddenly. "Amber." He rolled his eyes.

"I saw her not long ago." Olivia held in a chuckled. "She got married."

"Huh." She knew he didn't want to talk about her. "God, you don't think Kyle is gonna be pissed about this? I mean, if it would be better-"

Olivia didn't want to talk about the Kyle, Roger and Amber situation. It was done and over. Kyle was marrying Rox, end of story.

"We can manage." Olivia shrugged. Besides, Syd and Ellie's houses were full, babies and everything. "Its just a wedding shower."

"Right." Roger shook his head.

"So, how's..how's Ryan?" Olivia knew things had changed. Yet, things were better too. They were still together. Both had nine to five jobs now. Ryan was still at the Children's Theater and Roger worked for the company where he'd clerked, but now was in the accounting part.

"Oh, you know, Ryan is Ryan." Finally Roger grinned.

"Good." Olivia looked over the list again. Syd would bring quiche and Ellie promised to bring punch. "So, you don't think you or Ryan will be here for the wedding shower?"

"No, we're going to Mom's for the weekend." Roger told her. "But, Rox's sister will be here. Leon will be around, you know, if you need table and chairs to be lifted."

"How is your Mom?" Olivia wrote down a few more things that might be needed, like cups and table clothes. Plenty of toilet paper for the wedding dress game.

"She's trying to get to know Ryan and Ryan kind of likes it. Ryan hasn't been around her Mom in a very long time. I don't guess that will get any better. Ryan wouldn't call her Mom when she was in the hospital. Still won't. But, she's fine with mine. My Dad too. Of course, my Mom always wants to know how you are doing." Roger went to make tea.

"Note to self. Must remember to send her an invitation to the wedding." Olivia scratched a note to herself with her felt tip pen. She kept smiling.

"What wedding?" Roger winced as he brought the tea to her.

"MY WEDDING." Olivia laughed.

"Are you sure that's ever gonna happen?" Roger smirked.

"Of course, it is. We are planning a December wedding." She informed him. "We've finally decided to have it at my Dad's. And my adoptive Dad is going to handle the ceremony, if he ever calls me back."

"Your other Dad?" Roger wanted to know.

Olivia gritted a smile. She wasn't exactly talking to her adoptive parents, lately. She need someone to officiate the wedding.

what comes around

2011-11-10T03:32:00.026-06:00

"Maybe I should talk to Matt." Rachel finally decided to bring him up a few days later, after dinner with Sam.

"I dunno." Sam didn't like the idea. "You just need to stay out of it. Ruthie doesn't even want to talk about him."

"I know, its just...what could be the problem? They've known each other, forever." Rachel didn't want to fuss about it, but she wasn't one to avoid a problem, either.

Sam turned on the TV. He motioned her over and got her to sit next to him. Soon enough things were cozy. "Maybe they are just..tired of each other."

"I don't believe that." Not her sister. She'd been crazy about Matt. They'd been friends before they were teenagers.

"Well, it happens." Sam sighed. "I wish it didn't, but it does. And who knows, maybe this'll be better on the kids in the long run. Nothing worse than having a dad around who just wants to make everything an issue. I'm glad my Mom and Dad got divorced. Hell, I wanted my Dad out of that house before I even started school. My mom deserved better. A lot better than my Dad."

Rachel looked at Sam, who hugged her close. She was glad Sam was nothing like his Dad.

a big fat chance

2011-11-09T03:32:00.044-06:00

"Seriously?" Oliver was baffled. The numbers were great at the place on campus. Soaring so much more than here in the old downtown area. Yes, there were splurges here at OLIVER'S for lunch, but nothing to the magnitude on campus with hungry college students... who evidently liked the prices and the sweets.

Even so, he missed Jules' swiftness. He was on it when it came to service. Something, Oliver couldn't say the same for the couple of senior citizens who took their time, but no one rushed them. They knew people, especially, old timers. It was all right, Oliver would adjust. Only, he needed to make more to ship out.

"You can't leave Jules stranded like this." Willow informed him. Yes, she'd been around to help Jules out the last three days.

"What do want me to do?" He didn't have the funds to hire anymore people. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but how would their be a profit?

"I want to invest." She didn't look pleased, though. Perhaps, down right angry.

"Invest?" This was new. "How much?" She was just a college girl. He looked at Jules, as if he'd put her up to it. All Jules revealed was that silly grin of his. There they were sitting in the middle of his empty place, after hours. Oliver shook his head.

"Enough." She nodded as if she knew what she was doing. "I've talked with personal. Perhaps we can work a deal, work study."

"Really?" Never heard of anything like it, he thought. "Well.." He still wanted to know how much. "Do you know what you're getting into?" He looked at her seriously. He shot a look at Jules. "Especially with him?"

"I want to do this, but I want you to make Jules your partner." Willow decided.

"A partner?" Oliver cracked up. This was the funniest thing he'd ever heard of.

a sore subject

2011-11-08T01:31:00.030-06:00

"Its a good thing you called when you did." Asa was happy to pick up Matt at the bar. At least Matt wasn't driving, anywhere. "You look like you could use dinner." Asa drove him back to the house. Matt needed food and not to be alone. At least, he wasn't a goner.

Asa didn't talk about the drinking.

"I'm not really hungry." Matt winced as if he might puke at the sight of food once they got to the dining room. Amanda and Max were waiting. Derrick was off at the school for try-outs at the musical.

"We've got plenty. Just make your self at home." Asa kept being friendly. He introduced Matt to Amanda.

"We were just talking about you." Amanda got her flirt back as soon as she saw him which Asa tried not to be alarmed about. Max remained quiet. He ate as if he wasn't to let this interruption bother him.

"You were?" Matt's smile was open. Asa hoped Amanda didn't ask him too many questions. They passed the salad and baked beans his way. Then came the pigs in a blanket. "I haven't had these since..." Matt was quiet for a few moments as if he might have a little breakdown. "The kids always liked these." He nodded then.

Suddenly, Asa understood what Matt's real problem might be. It must have been the drinking that kept Matt away from home.

it could be anyone

2011-11-07T01:31:00.030-06:00

"Who is this Matt?" Amanda wasn't against Asa having friends, but Asa wouldn't say much about him. So they, Matt and Asa, went out to lunch. Now Asa was on the phone with Rachel. Not that she was jealous, but what did she have to do with this? "I just want to know what's going on."

"You have enough to worry about it." He told her when he got off the phone. She gave him a stare down then. Obviously, she would win. "OK, he's Rachel's brother-in-law, and..I guess we go..way back." He shrugged as if he didn't have time to create a novel for her. Which was fine.

"I just wanted to know." Amanda was curious. Asa knew her friends and family, but she didn't really know his. It wasn't like he was close to Elliot now. Possibly, she was the reason why. "Then why don't you ask him over?"

"No, I'm not going to do that." Asa gently laughed, shook his head and went back to making those pigs in the blankets he was getting ready for dinner. "Besides, he's a busy guy too, you know."

"So why did you see him?" Amanda wondered if she were keeping him from something. She didn't know what. But maybe he missed church, or something.

"Rachel wanted to know what was up with him and her sister. I guess they are getting a divorce." Asa slid the buns in the oven.

"That's so sad." Amanda winced, not ever wanting to go through that again. She hugged herself.

"Well, I'm not sure Ruthie is ready for that. Its just not something they do in Rachel's family." Asa shrugged.

Amanda nodded, trying not to think about the new court day coming up, for getting Pearl back. The court cost alone depressed her. How would she ever get out of this horrible situation? She didn't even want to think about Evan or Rosie. At least Kyle let Rosie stay when ever she wanted. But Evan might as well be in Siberia. She couldn't let that happen with Pearl.

"I hope they can work it out." Amanda sighed as she went to get a salad ready for dinner. Just then the phone rang. Amanda picked up. It was Matt and he needed to speak to Asa.

like a spring awakening

2011-11-06T02:30:00.027-06:00

What would he ever do in this funk he was in? Derrick found himself groveling as he listened to Ian talk more about Lola. Ian didn't understand why she wasn't making friends.

"Because you're hanging around her, too much!" That was it. Didn't Ian see it? Derrick couldn't stop himself from saying it. Even if it had been a week or so since the concert, it never failed, there was Lola, hanging with them before school. After school. Derrick needed a new approach, he knew. But there was no real fix to this. Just accept it, Lola was Ian's friend. Not his. No way. Derrick saw the try-outs for the winter musical. "Maybe this is what she needs." He grabbed a flyer.

"Why not you?" Ian grinned as he looked it over. "You'd be perfect. They need someone who's musical. I can't think of anyone better."

"Yeah, I'll get stuck in the orchestra pit, playing God knows what." He knew how it worked. He remembered how all he'd been good for in swing choir, during middle school, loading up band equipment then unloading it for the most part.

"It would look really good on your college application." Ian was serious.

"All right." He scowled, thinking of all the hard work and long nights to put in. But for what, a bit part? He didn't want bit parts.

"Smile." Ian gave him a pat on the back. "Show them what you're made of. You can't hide your talent forever."

Ian couldn't help but to be bitter. Yet, Ian's faith was possibly a little much, but then if Ian's faith in him wasn't there, he'd be worried, too.

rock, roll and shake

2011-11-05T02:28:00.045-05:00

It was a brand new day. Nothing was holding Jules back. Nothing could get in the way of this feeling he couldn't let go of. Except, the van was being a pain. Didn't want to start. There was the snow to brush off, then the ice to scrape and the goods to pack.

"Its your first day." Oliver said it as if he better make him proud. This was the day they would know if they could make it with two stores open to the public. There would be two of Estelle's oldest friends helping Oliver out at the store.

Jules smiled back, thinking of Willow, wishing she was still here. Wishing she hadn't gone home. He didn't want to lose her. He wanted her with him. But that was just too much to ask for. He'd have to hang on to this little happiness. Remember it, cherish it and above all rekindle it, as soon as possible.

So there he was with his smiley face. Soon enough, customers were rolling in by six in the morning. It was fascinating. Where did all these people come from? It was just him to master the counter. He scurried around, like a dance. Serving pastries, grabbing cups. People waiting in line. He didn't want to think a disaster was waiting to happen. The line would not let up. How could the place possibly hold this many people?

By seven fifteen, Willow showed up, grabbed an apron sporting Oliver's name and started helping behind the counter.

"How could he have done this to you?" Her frantic look made him a little uneasy.

"I didn't know." Jules shrugged. On one hand, wasn't this a complete success to have so many here. But would they want to come back if they didn't serve them efficiently?

"You have to have some help." She told him even if she were making someone wait on their cupcake. Willow was not backing down. "He has to know. I want him to know."

"Really?" Why did it matter so much to her? He continued to ring up customers. What was she going to do? Jules was afraid to ask.

Here and then some

2011-11-04T01:56:00.035-05:00

It was Finn's late night to work at the clinic. It was dark out and cold. He couldn't wait to get home and find out what Doyle's one dish surprise might be. He was famished. But just as he was about to lock up. There was Jonah waiting for him.

Suddenly, Finn felt so alone. Not sure what to do. He'd had plenty of nightmares about this moment. He never thought they'd come true.

"Jonah? Should you be here?" How had he gotten here? This was weird. Halloween was over. He didn't need any Jokers about. It was freezing out. "Are you all right?"

Jonah didn't say anything for the longest time. Finn was going to give his another thirty seconds and then dial 911. Why hadn't he put a restraining order out against this fellow?

"May I have a word with you?" He said so earnestly then, as if he might be in a Dicken's play.

"Sure. Of course." Finn let him in. It was warm in the clinic. "What can I help you with?"

"Nothing." He was so ominous then. Finn stood there in his warm coat waiting for Jonah to speak. "I just wanted you to know, that I'm completely over you. You mean nothing to me."

"OK." Finn winced hoping this was a good thing. Not a bad thing. But nothing. He meant nothing to him?

"I've moved on which was something, you never let me know. You never told me about Doyle. You could have, you know. And I would have never thought..." Now it was a struggle to get his words out. "I thought you'd always love me."

Finn pressed his lips tight. Suddenly, Finn felt as if all this were a deeper meaning to Jonah than he'd ever know.

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry if I hurt you." Finn cleared his throat.

"You did." Jonah's voice was sullen. Finn hoped Jonah was done, but he wasn't. "I've found love, again. And he wants to be with me. Jules is there for me. Most times. He's not ashamed of me. Not like you."

"OK." Finn didn't want to hear anymore. "I'm glad you two...hit it off." But he had to wonder if that was even true. He would have called Jules right then if he knew his number and ask if any of this was really true. Yet it was best to let Jonah believe what he wanted. After all, Jonah was different. Not at all what he might look like on the outside. Finn still felt like a fool for ever wanting to be with him in the first place. He pitied who ever got stuck with Jonah.

Someone broke into my heart

2011-11-03T02:43:00.000-05:00

The snow kept falling. Willow couldn't remember the last time it snowed like this, and it wasn't melting. And she wasn't home. Willow watched the snow fall quietly from Jules' place. She blinked once more, standing by the window in his gray thermal shirt that hung almost to her knees. Calm set in, but she shivered slightly. It would be dark soon.

Willow bit her bottom lip and looked back at Jules still asleep in his bed. There wasn't much room for her, but then it hadn't taken that much room. She couldn't help but smile. This is what hot chocolate meant?

She couldn't shake the thought of his initial intentions. But maybe she had something to do with it. Curious, she supposed. He said he had all the ingredients for the real thing. Milk, cocoa, sugar. She guessed. "Not that instant stuff."

Her lips were chapped now. They'd kissed far to much. And still, that would have probably been enough. She thought of how many times she'd stopped and started with this kind of thing. Topher always found her to be a tease. But then again, they had been friends forever and his take was "Any time you're ready to lose your virginity, just call me."

But she'd wanted it to be for the right reasons. There was a time, she was certain it would be scheduled on the calender like a holiday. There would be rose petals and candles. Wasn't that the way it was suppose to be?

This was a bit off guard. She liked to believe. But they'd kissed before, behind the van when it began to snow and the landscape quietly changed around them while perhaps things changed between them too. She'd ridden back to Jules' place to get her car, where he mentioned hot chocolate. She'd teased him. "Yeah, I want to see this."

So they'd raced upstairs and he jerked open his little fridge and showed her he had whole milk. Ready Whip too. She laughed and fell into him which ended up being a kiss that would not die. Yet, she wanted to keep it alive, and it went on until he could hardly catch his breath.

"I love you." He said out of nowhere. "I really really mean it, too. I love you. No matter what." He made it sound so fascinating. She couldn't help but want to see it happen. So layer after layer shed to the floor, it was so quiet and his lips touched her until she honestly knew what she wanted.

But did she say it back? Did she tell him... she loved him? It felt as if it were too late. She carefully, climbed back under the covers. He moved back toward the wall and wrapped himself around her. She felt his warm breath on her ear.

"I love you." She whispered. It was true. She thought of him, constantly. She wanted to give him things, but never did. Not unless he really needed them. Like the art supplies.

But there was her brother to think of.

"Now how about that hot chocolate?" Jules said. She turned back to him. He kissed her forehead. His messy curls never looked better.

Willow softly laughed. She knew what that meant.

keeping in check

2011-11-02T06:27:00.001-05:00

Jules was too tired to go with Jonah to the concert. Seriously, he wished he could get out of seeing him, all together. Jules didn't have time for him.

"Don't be mad, please." Jules wished he hadn't said that. Jonah had nothing more to say, but hung up on him while Jules was on his cell. Jules slid the phone in his back pocket.

He didn't see how he could keep up this charade. It was impossible. Plus there was the matter to clean this little one man operation that Oliver set him up with at the University. It was such a tiny little place. Two people could barely fit behind the counter. As it was, that's what the van was for, to brings the goods here. The shop was a little place to sell Oliver's goods and simply coffee to go with it.

Of course, Willow wanted to see the inside of this establishment that was no more than a shack, possibly. It did have a bit of architecture to it. Round corners on the outside.

"They used to sell burritos here." She told him.

Jules looked around thinking it would be ridiculously small to make burritos in. But there were small counter tops to the sides, if someone wanted to stop and savor what they'd bought.

She looked back at him. "I can't believe your boss would do this to you." Her hands were on her hips as she looked around inspecting the place as if she might be part of the new management.

"He's not doing anything. Its an opportunity. The president or somebody with the Uni, asked him to set up shop, you know." Jules sighed, thinking he could use a long sleep before it was officially opened. Cold was setting in now as if it might be a good time to hibernate for winter.

"He's taking advantage of you." Willow looked worried.

"Whatever." Maybe it was best if they avoided talking about Jonah, but he couldn't help but turn it around. "You let Jonah take advantage of you, all the time."

She glared at him with her arms crossed.

"I guess he expects me to fall in love with this pal of his, coming..in a few weeks." She fretted.

"Aw, think fast, get Topher to cover for you." Jules chuckled.

"Jonah will never be normal. I get that. I don't know why I put up with him." She shook her head, as if she'd have to think of something quick. Thankfully, she asked about the van then. They went out back to see his advertizing.

It had a sparkle to it. The cupcake. The scones. Even the lettering of Oliver's name. It dazzled.

"What did Oliver think?" Willow wanted to know.

"Not much. He's worried about making enough baked goods, or too much. He's about to climb the walls." Jules told her.

"I hope this isn't too much." She looked back at the little place that was no more than a counter showing off baked goods. She still didn't like the idea that he alone would run the place. She told them this once again.

"We'll just give it a go." Jules grinned. If it failed, at least he'd give it his best shot. Willow reached for him just as it began to snow. What was she doing? Only he didn't think to ask, he kissed her as if it were long overdue. It felt so right.

But maybe she'd just meant it to be a hug. He didn't want to be wrong about this.

getting the act together

2011-11-01T01:21:00.028-05:00

Josie didn't like what she saw. The way Ian acted around Lola. Of course, it was Derrick she worried about because he was..after all the jealous one.

"Just stop it." She took him to the girl's restroom line after they got in.

"Stop what?" Derrick was furious with her, dragging him along. After all, wasn't this something Max was suppose to do.

"You know what you're doing. You want to lose him." Josie reminded him he needed to play the nice card.

"That is..just so not me." Derrick shook his head.

"Well, you need to change." Josie informed him.

"Its just.." Derrick shrugged as if the impossible fact remained. "If Ian was as gay as me, we wouldn't have to deal with crap like this."

"So what are you saying? You want to be with someone... who's just as gay as you are?" Josie looked at him a bit puzzled as they waited in line with all the other other girls made up like the lead singer of Birthday Massacre.

"Maybe." Derrick looked sad about it. "I dunno. I hate this about me. But I can't help it."

"Well, don't break up tonight." Josie heard the music starting up. "Have some fun. Just don't worry about Lola." Not that Josie even thought Lola had a chance coming between Ian and Derrick. "Have some fun.... Please?" She knew she was begging now. But it was finally sinking in, it wasn't all about Derrick or her, it was about having a great time with friends. It wouldn't be long until they'd be scattered by the future of college. She just wanted the night to be something they looked back on with fond memories.

a new tradition

2011-10-31T01:01:00.057-05:00

"Well, we don't want what happened last year." Ian told Max, who sat in the back of the car with Josie, about Derrick's little adventure last Halloween. "Of course, he might like being a superhero." Ian smirked. They were on their way to a concert. No use being kids on Halloween and trick or treating. It would be safer this way. Having a good time at a Halloween concert. There were four bands to take them through the night. Old favorites like Birthday Massacre would open the show. Who could ask for anything better on Halloween night?

Derrick didn't look to happy that he'd mentioned how last year went. It had meant a trip to the Emergency room in the end, as Derrick reminded him. Ian kept smiling. He was after all the driver and felt a bit like the leader. They'd had a good time, on their last outing at a concert. It would be the same this go around. Wouldn't it?

Of course, they met a long line of girls in dark pony tails, black eye-liner and black teddies, revealing more than Ian expected. They'd somehow missed the protocol for tonight's event. Even a few cross dressers were among the group.

"Oh well." To bad Josie had decided to be a pussycat. Max was in an orange tiger suit. "Won't you get hot in that?" Ian looked at Max as they were waiting in line. He shrugged as if he'd do whatever Josie wanted. He told Derrick once more how charming his Charlie Chaplin suit was. Little inked mustache and all.

"You really out did yourself, this time." Ian meant it too, but Derrick remained his sullen self as if something bad was impending. Of course, Ian felt down right silly in his cowboy hat and silly vest. It was all so last minute. He'd raced around, it seemed forever at home, just for this idiotic get-up. Perhaps, he just didn't have the drama for it.

He looked up then to see that new girl from school. She was in his Earth Science class. She'd been hesitant to sit at his table in class, but she seemed nice. "Don't we know her?" He winced. She was alone. Of course, she would be. She didn't have time to make friends.

"I don't." Derrick shrugged.

"Oh, that girl." Josie wasn't making an effort, either.

"Please, Jo- would it hurt to be nice to someone who's female?" He thought Josie had far too many guy friends. Didn't she need someone of her own kind to confide in?

"Fine." He looked at Derrick who looked just about as put out with him as Josie. Ian waved. The girl came over instead of getting to the back of the long line.

"Lola, right?" Ian was not good with names. He introduced her around. "Are you waiting for someone?" Lola shook her head, no. She wanted to see Birthday Massacre, and then go home. He invited her to stay with them. After all, her Mom dropped her off. "Call her. We'd be happy to take you home."

He saw Derrick's nasty pout then. Ian should have expected his reaction. If only Derrick could grow up, he thought. He smiled at Lola more. It didn't matter if he made Derrick suffer. He'd just have to stop being a drama queen.

a bit miffed

2011-10-30T01:00:00.024-05:00

"What is it, with you?" Jonah didn't understand why Willow was helping Jules so much. Jules was not her friend. At least, Jonah didn't see the connection.

"Its nothing." She snapped at him. She didn't have time for Jonah these days.

"You spend all your time with him, don't you?" Jonah didn't like the thought of that.

"No, I don't." She protested as if she had better things to do at home than bicker with him. "I'm just helping."

"How? How are you helping him?" Jonah began to shout before he knew.

"If you haven't noticed, he doesn't have as much, as either of us." She hugged herself as if she did it out of pity. "And you can't..because..because you don't drive. You don't.."

"What?" Jonah scowled. Was she saying he didn't care enough?

"Its nothing." She bit her bottom lip.

"Well, I found someone for you." Jonah changed the subject. If she met Ste, it could possibly change everything. "He's coming to the states. Says he'll be here before Thanksgiving. I knew him when I was in London."

She looked at him as if it were some sort of thesis she'd have to produce in a days time. She was stubborn that way. His sister had never had a real suitor. He liked Ste. They got along great. It was just a matter of time, he thought. They'd fall in love. Marriage. Maybe she'd move to London. Forget this nonsense of hers, pursing old arts that no one had a use for. Jonah was only thinking of his sister. After all, he couldn't let her steal his boyfriend, now could he?

as the days go by

2011-10-29T01:57:00.028-05:00

Asa was surprised when Matt called back. He hadn't expected it. So they got together for lunch. Matt thought he could squeeze him in if they met for something quick at the BBQ place.

"So what's up?" Matt asked as if he were there to help Asa with some financial matter. After all, Matt worked at a bank.

"Its just, you know..been awhile." Asa wanted Matt to bring up what had happened at home. "How's, how is Ruthie?"

"Fine." He shrugged it off as if there was nothing to say. They ate the pulled pork sandwiches in silence.

"I guess Rachel never caught you, huh?" Matt grinned. He told Asa he'd met Rachel's husband. Told him Sam was a coach. Asa nodded as if this was news to him.

"Its just funny, I figured you for a preacher, you know. One day, you'd be in charge of the whole damn church." Matt told him. He didn't sound happy, even if he were smiling.

"Well, I like what I'm doing. I'm not sure I'll even get married. But I'm OK." Asa told him about Amanda and his job at the library.

"See, I dunno. You've changed." Matt winced.

"Have I?" Asa wasn't going to be discouraged. Honestly, he felt it was Matt who'd changed.

uncertain times

2011-10-28T01:58:00.023-05:00

"Can you quit thinking like that?" Max was starting to sound like Josie. Of course, she told him what was on Derrick's mind. Derrick thought Ian was cheating on him.

"I can't help it." Derrick looked miserable. He seemed to be hiding in the basement lately, at home.

Max was beginning to see how fragile Derrick was. Totally, insecure.

"Well, don't think about it. Things are great between you and Ian. You have nothing to worry about." Suddenly, he felt he was everyone's cheerleader. He and Josie were friends. That's all that mattered. At least, it was better that way. A bit of him felt suffocated from all the kissing before. That had stopped. Just talk, mostly.

That was a bit of an undertaking too. How she felt about the unknown would be lover. She was such a mystery. He really didn't want to figure it out. Now Derrick's moods were a lot to decipher, too. It was all so crazy and different. But this was Derrick's world and Max supposed he was a part of it.

"What kind of a name is Lola, anyway?" Derrick paced around as if his days were numbered with Ian.

Max rolled his eyes at that. What did Derrick want him to do? Besides, Josie wanted them to go shopping for Halloween costumes. This was suppose to be a fun time. Now Max felt he was obligated to do something for Derrick. But what?

a daze

2011-10-27T01:59:00.033-05:00

Maybe it all started when Amanda got in a spat with Derrick over the fiasco at Elliot's with Pearl and Rosie.

"Why did you have to come?" She wasn't too thrilled with him showing up with Max. She couldn't dare be mad at Max. Of course, Derrick laughed at her. Told her no way was he going to make her miserable. She was the bad mother. He was the good uncle. Besides, Rosie missed him. Actually, he just missed the kids.

It felt like a defeat of some kind. Yet things were all right. It was almost Halloween. Things were better than ever with Ian. He couldn't ask for anything more. Of course, he wished he'd thought more of being in a band, again. Maybe his own band. But he was out of the loop now. No one knew him anymore because he hadn't played anywhere. There was no hope on the Internet, either. He just didn't have time to network. School was in the way. There was Max to worry about. Although, Ian told him to quit worrying about this long lost brother of his. He was doing fine. Josie was around to take care of that.

All was fine. But the moment he saw the new girl at school, Lola, something told him..things were going to change.

"I don't like her." He had to tell someone. There was only Josie to tell his troubles too.

"You don't even know her." Josie informed him.

"I know. But I have this feeling." He couldn't describe it. Perhaps it was a disease of some kind he didn't know he had. Still he sensed it, he didn't know exactly what it meant. Or did he? Ian. He hoped he was wrong. He wanted to be wrong. Couldn't he be wrong?

But something told him..he knew things were going to change.

wouldn't it be lovely

2011-10-26T01:15:00.008-05:00

Jules aced the driver's, test thanks to Willow. He'd driven her car. Honestly, it was a lovely piece of machinery unlike the old white van.

"I hate this thing." He only told Willow this as he looked at the old van with her, just behind Oliver's bake shop.

"Perhaps, it needs some sparkle." Willow was optimistic. She'd helped him clean up the inside.

"Oh, really, how do you plan to do that?" He looked at her as if you couldn't glam an old thing like this. Besides, what would Oliver think?

"I've seen how perfect you can put on eye-liner." She teased.

"What are you getting at?" He gave his best Clockwork Orange glare.

"You know, those doodle of yours... have some spunk to them." She shrugged as she looked at the blank canvass on the white van.

"Even if I could. I don't have the-" He couldn't. No way.

"You could make it pretty. You have fun with letters." She reminded him he'd even made the F word look rather lovely in that notebook he carried around. He'd been sketching lately, instead of smoking. All her fault, as he recalled.

"I dunno." Really, he should run it by Oliver, first. It was his van.

She went to her car and lifted up the back door. There was everything he needed for the artistic challenge.

"Go for it." She told him.

He looked at the art supplies, wide-eyed. He nodded. Maybe he should just see what happened. Besides, Oliver would make him nervous, and it might end up horrible if he knew.

"All right." Jules bit his bottom lip as he looked back at the van, tilting his head so, envisioning cupcakes, coffee cups and of course..scones all around Oliver's wonderful name.

outside looking in

2011-10-25T01:38:00.026-05:00

Finally, Kayla decided she'd start working Saturdays when she could, down at Oliver's. They'd had a tiff early on about the name of the shop. He kept insisting that it should be OLIVER & KAYLA'S. But she wouldn't hear of it. It was after all ...all his. She wanted people to remember him. Not something complicated. Of course, he'd said it was hardly complicated to remember the two of them instead of just him.

The establishment was a lot like an unwanted child. She didn't want to be a part of it.

"I'm not that good with people." She'd told him when he first opened the place, but as time went on, she knew he needed her. So she mainly ran the cash register. She'd learned, over the past few weeks not to say a lot. Like explaining the food or hours of operation, unless put on the spot about it. It was best to be a little perky, glad that customers were here. Of course, it was Oliver that most came for. Especially, old ladies and teenage girls who swooned to listen to him speak. As it was, even Jules had a fan club.

Naturally, neither Oliver nor Jules would confess that might be. "You're such a laugh, babe." Oliver would get kind of giddy at the thought that someone might come to this place just to want to know him. Yet, Kayla was coming around. She knew she had to be here if she wanted to be with Oliver. She supposed she'd have to share a little bit of him. Really, she was falling in love with the shop. Yet, she couldn't give up her day job. He understood. It made her want him all the more.

Suddenly, one day, it occurred to her as she was ringing someone up... This was home. This was exactly where she wanted to be.

the better of the worst

2011-10-24T01:37:00.027-05:00

"Isn't this a good thing?" Doyle reminded Amanda who met him on an early Saturday morning. He bought her coffee and a cupcake. The place was hopping at Oliver's, and Doyle was glad he could do his part by spending some time here with Amanda, who had been offered a chance to work with the State Children's choir.

"Its just more work." She wasn't particularly happy.

"Yes, but the recognition. You will get paid, won't you?" Doyle peeled back the liner on the cupcake and looked at the red velvet cake.

"A little. Its just I feel so short for time, as it is." She felt bad that she was here. She was on her way to see Pearl.

"But this is great news." Doyle remained optimistic. "Asa is fine with it, I'm sure."

Amanda nodded. She sounded sad though, how she'd let down so many people. Even her brother Max.

"Well, he sounds to be adjusting. He's got a girlfriend." Doyle told her not to worry.

"You and Finn? Everything OK?" Amanda finally asked.

"Yeah, its great. We keep busy." He nodded.

"Is that really enough?" She grinned then.

"You know what I mean." Doyle laughed. "We're fixing the house." He told her.

"Does this mean you..you two thinking about kids?" Amanda teased.

"I dunno. Maybe some day. But we have church. We enjoy what we have. Not that I'm against having kids with Finn. Its just, not yet, you know." He sighed with a smile.

Amanda said she understood. He told her she should check out the Saturday evening church service, but of course, she didn't have time.

so it goes

2011-10-23T01:37:00.047-05:00

Eric somehow found Kip a job in personal. Actually, it was Kip's resume that spoke for its-self. Really, Eric didn't feel he had a thing to do with it. He'd just been there at the right time when he heard about the opening.

"Happy now?" He was closed lipped. Perhaps a bit angry at having to go that far. Seriously, he doubted Kip would ever do the same for him. However, Syd's embrace warmed him up.

"Hopefully, I'll never see him." Eric sighed. He didn't have to like Kip.

"Well, he's gonna stay with Liz and Munro, you know." Syd shrugged. She kept in contact, practically daily with Liz.

"Just when did you get all chummy, with her?" He hadn't seen that coming. Always a play date on Saturday. Sometimes, he'd catch her on the phone with Liz.

"Oh, Eric, envy really does not become you." She grinned from ear to ear as she went back to the stove and left him with the little ones to deal with.

He sighed as he loosened his tie. Honestly, he didn't think he could get used to a suit everyday, but he had. His jacket was already off and he dropped his tie on the chair. Immediately, Ella got to it, to chew on.

"Since when do you like ties so much?" He stooped down to pick her up. Of course, Evan couldn't have that. He needed to be just as close too. Of course, Evan already untied his shoe and Eric feared he might trip now as he carried both to the livingroom.

Suddenly, he was feeling a tad melancholy. He understood why Syd was so peeved with him over that dinner he missed for Amanda. Of course, he'd debated the fact that Elliot wasn't even there. See, he wasn't the only one upset with Amanda and her ways.

But there was Evan chatting away about something on a TV show. Eric wasn't sure he got the jest of it, but began to try to repeat everything he'd told him in complete sentences until Evan caught on. In a bit, he could feel the results, already. He could understand his son, clear as a bell. He grinned then. Ella played with his mouth. He sunk into the couch, the two practically on top of him. Before he knew it, Ella had her fingers up his nose.

"Don't!" Evan slapped her fingers away.

Eric blinked, had he dozed off? He put them down to go play. He went to see Syd on her cell as she was working on some ground turkey sizzling in a frying pan.

It was Liz, wasn't it? He hoped those two weren't planning for Kip to move in over the garage.

the possibility

2011-10-22T01:36:00.036-05:00

Kyle didn't want to admit it, but he envied Leon. From the moment Jai saw him, he wanted to be with Leon. The kid climbed right up him and hugged him so tight. One would have thought Leon was his long lost Dad.

Of course, Leon was taken by surprise. He'd came along because Tyra asked him too, and Tyra would have never suggested to come to their house on her own. She was plenty shy.

But she was happy to see Rox and Jasmine, Kyle could see this might turn into a weekly thing. He could easily see, they wanted to come here. Jasmine brought egg rolls and Tyra brought cupcakes. Still Jai only wanted Leon to himself.

"What is wrong with that kid?" Leon only laughed when Rosie came to the rescue.

"He just doesn't see many of his relatives." Rosie explained, pulling Jai off of him. Although, it was easy to see Jai missed his dad. Kyle understood.

After dinner was done, and he washed the dishes while the girls looked through photo albums and talked about when they were growing up, he cornered Rox.

"You're gonna invite Jared to the wedding, aren't you?" Kyle pressed a smile, even if he felt a bit uneasy about it. Not that he thought Jared would come and make a mess of things. After all, he had his own family in Chicago.

"I hadn't thought about it." Rox looked shocked.

"When is the last time Jai's seen his dad?" Kyle squinted, thinking back that Jai was here all summer.

"He's..he's busy." She acted as if she couldn't trouble him.

"Lets think about taking a trip to Chicago. Before winter sets in. I could get a couple of days off." Kyle told her.

"We've got a wedding to plan." Rox sounded as if she didn't like the idea.

"Well, at least invite him." He noticed Jai, practically tackling Leon again to get his attention.

"OK." She shrugged.

Kyle nodded. "Guess, I should ask Leon if he wants to be in the wedding."

Rox kissed him on the cheek then. It looked like this wedding was getting bigger than they planned.