holy shit

Kyle couldn't think about Christmas. Not now. He wasn't sure he could even wrap himself around the comprehension of it all. But it was kind of funny how something that was just a figment of his imagination was now a harsh reality. Actually, there was nothing funny about it.

First thing he did was go throw up as soon as he knew what was going on with Amanda there at the emergency room. It was real. Absolutely. And he didn't know what to say about it. To anyone. He'd wait until after Christmas to talk to his mother about it. Thankfully, she didn't know. He knew it would be worse if she did and now he wasn't sure he felt anything at all. Maybe he felt too much. Maybe he needed sleep. Maybe he didn't. But here he was in his room, not even alone, in fact. Ellie was with him. At least she was asleep.

He'd came home wanting to tear everything up in his room. But it was well after midnight, and she caught him before he could. Oddly, he remembered a teacher actually holding him back like that when he was in the first grade. It was as if she'd kept him from exploding into a million pieces. And of course, Ellie had to remind him he had to quiet.

But bits of annoying pulsing pictures of seeing Amanda passed out on the floor of the concert, the bright flinching lights at the hospital.... and then for them to tell her that she was better than expected. She just needed to stay out of crowds and take care of herself from now on, and to watch her blood pressure. Still, nothing was really talked about a due date or if she even wanted it. The nurse practioneer jotted down a few numbers for her to call to find herself an OBGYN. She'd need one.

It was just too much to talk about. And they hadn't. She'd been upset that she looked so horrible. He had to keep telling her she didn't, but then she didn't really look like herself, either. And he knew deep down it was all his fault. All of it. But he kept trying to smile. All he wanted to do was to push her hair out of her face so he could see her eyes. See if she was really OK. She just really wasn't saying much. And he couldn't, either. Perhaps that's what shock did to you. Made you forget things. Then and now.

His eyes hurt from staying awake. His throat was a little scratchy. He'd forgotten his coat and the air was so bitter and tainted that he wasn't quite sure he was well, himself. He just needed to stay away. Think this through. He guessed.

Her brother had taken her home. Dan filled out the paperwork. They'd left. She didn't even say to call her. Kyle wasn't even sure if he could. Not at the moment.

Kyle unwrapped Ellie's arms from around him. He got up to look at the presents he'd gotten Amanda. They weren't wrapped yet.

He'd been so proud of himself to find the pink square crystal necklace along with the earrings to match. Only $4.99 a piece. It was just costume jewelry, but the moment he saw it..he knew it was so Amanda. Now it was just cheap and worthless. He guessed. Of course, there were the pink and gray friendship bracelets he'd made too. Some friend he was.

He stared at them as a headache sank in. He was really in deep shit. Forever. He presumed. It was a sad hopeless feeling. His mother would certainly hate him. He got this feeling Amanda would hate him just as much. He put the present down, suddenly. The urge to purge was coming. Kyle was going to be sick again.