fading in and out

Amanda felt so drained, lately. She just wanted sleep. She was tired and her world felt so warped, and she could hardly stand to have Evan touch her, especially, when she breast fed. She couldn't do it.

It might have been the guilt or the fact he looked so much like Eric that it reminded her... she was an awful person. She was. And this made her all the more awful, not wanting to go through with this.

Of course, she knew what Kyle would say. "You can't just quit now! You're not a quitter!" His words still haunted her. She was never able to breast feed Rosie, either. She was a terrible mother in so many ways. And there was so much to do with school work. She had to somehow get through this semester so she could at least be ready to do her student teaching in the fall.

Evan was such a burden. There was no joy. She thought it might be different this time. But it wasn't. Only she didn't have Kyle around to rely on. Just Elliot and he had a job. He wasn't Kyle who would drop everything for the baby. Kyle was a natural. He wanted to know how everything worked. Not just machines. But people too. He'd only yelled at he,r that one time and took over. Perhaps that was the start of it. How he knew, she wasn't a good mother. He'd never say that to her face. Nor to anyone else.

Eric had been great. He was there a lot. Especially, the first few days when she was home. He caught on how to feed the baby. Know the different cries. And Evan was happy with him. Like he knew exactly who he was.

But such ugliness of her own ways overwhelmed her. What if she hurt the baby? She'd wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if she'd done something with Evan. Once she thought she'd accidentally put him the freezer. She got up to check.

She found herself shaking when she opened the fridge door. Thankful he wasn't there. She barely peeked in his room. Maybe these were panic attacks. She didn't know what they were. Amanda melted into tears. It finally donned her that she might have problem. A bad problem. She just wasn't sure what to do.