without a mission

                                                       We ♥ It

Amanda knew she had to do this. See Evan. She was afraid. It actually gave her goosebumps, wondering how he'd react to her.  How would she be with him? It was sort of like a blind date. She guessed. Well, not really. This was the child who had spent 9 months in her womb. They were suppose to know each other, weren't they? Would he know who she was? Did it really matter?

She was on her meds. She didn't think they were doing anything much for her, than making her fat. As if that was all she needed on top of the babyfat. God, she felt like an elephant. Slowly, moving. Sleeping yet not really sleeping. She didn't know how to explain it. She hated having to be on drugs. She hated for Elliot to put up with all this excess baggage and yet, there he was, much more thoughtful than she expected.

She thought of when they first met. He acted like he might be a model of some kind. He was kind of an ass. Every question he asked always had to be something about himself. She couldn't stand him. But when everything fell apart when he and Ellie were dating, she saw a complete different guy. He'd been so worried about Ellie. Maybe if Ellie had known him like she did, they'd be together right now.

A part of her felt lucky that she knew he really was genuinely sweet. He did care about people. He cared about her then and even now. But she could tell he had no idea what to say at the moment, just that he wanted her to lead the way. And she didn't know what to do, either.

"You know, maybe you need to take some time off." He suggested. No more education for a while.

"Maybe." But what would she do with herself, exactly?

"And, and maybe we should start back to church." He acted as if it would be something to do, like going to the zoo.

She really didn't like that church they were married in. It was just different than she was used to. She guessed the people were nice. But the music was different. It just didn't feel right. But she'd been mistaken, he meant where she'd grew up. That church. Elliot was willing to become Catholic.

Amanda was still a little lost about the idea. She really didn't want to force him, in to anything, but there was the thought of having some order to their lives. It might help. Maybe. Still she felt a little selfish, and yet, she felt the best place for both of her children were not with her. At least not right now.