Wednesday, June 2, 2010
never having the right answer
"I dunno." This had all been such a shock to Ellie. And then to hear about Lon and her cousin. It didn't set well with her. She just felt like keeping something from him. She hadn't meant it to be a secret. But then she'd only told Roger. Who obviously couldn't keep a secret.
"So just how long were you going to ..not tell me?" Lon winced. He was trying to keep up with the dishes she was putting in the drainer to dry.
"I-I guess I, I was worried. What if I had a miscarriage. I just can't - can't plan something out," she said as she looked at him then. "I just wanted to wait. OK." Besides, she'd just been tired, mostly. If she'd had a bit of morning sickness, she would have told him.
"But, but I wanted to be the first to know." He looked so hurt. "I can't believe you just said..oh its nothing...how could you just say that to everyone. It is something amazing!" He kept staring at her. His lips tight. She knew he was trying to be patience with her.
She knew she should have acted different, but she'd been so upset. What if he'd been in love someone else all this time and not her? Of course, it was stupid to think like that, but she couldn't help it. What if it was her cousin Reese, he wanted to be with? Not her. It was in the back of her mind, and it wouldn't exactly go away even if she could see how excited he was about the baby.
"Look." She caught her breath. "I'm sorry. Its just. I-I had a dream that you-you wanted to get back with Reese. And-and I'd be all alone." She was having such freaky dreams lately. But that was the one that she couldn't stop thinking about.
"You know that would never happen." Lon told her. "I don't want to be with her. I don't even know who she is anymore. God, I can't believe-" He gritted, turning away from her. He wouldn't even look at her now.
Ellie felt overcome with tears. He looked back at her as if he might cry too.
"Are you feeling OK?" He put his arm around. "I want you to be excited. You should be. But I don't think you are."
"Its just crazy, OK." She told him. "I wasn't expecting it would happen so soon."
"You didn't even tell me you were going off the pill." He reminded her.
"Its was an accident." She hugged herself then. "It was before Christmas. OK, I kind of forgot about them after we got Charlie. I was trying to keep up with so many things."
"Its been that long?" Lon asked, looking at her as if she needed to document things like this.
"You really don't tell me anything, do you? I mean, I want to be honest with you and I try to be. Even if I'm worried half the time- you'll be mad. Why didn't you tell me?" Lon wanted to know.
"I guess-I guess I didn't think it was important." She shrugged.
"I've been wanting you to get off of the pill, for months." He looked at her. "And I didn't know what to say because I figured you would think it was for all the wrong reasons. And-and now, we've got Charlie."
"I know." She winced. "The timing is horrible."
"But its OK. Its great. I want to have a baby with you. I always wanted this. Honestly. I knew it the first time I saw you. That's who I wanted to be with. To share everything with. And then. Then you go and try to hide it from me." He sighed as if she was just trying to be mean to him.
"I didn't mean to." She felt as if she'd done the worst thing possible.
But he hugged her then as if he was with her every step of the way. Every step of the way.