withdrawl

Ian wasn't quite sure what to do with himself, lately. Especially, after Derrick broke up with him, over the phone. There was work. He wished there was more of it, so he didn't have so much time to think.

A part of him was glad that it happened, sooner than later. Truth be told, he didn't think he was very good with breaking up. Yet, he thought it would come later. Like the summer after he graduated high school. But he guessed it was best. Still it stung deep. Especially, how Derrick broke up with him in a short phone call.

Yet, he couldn't eat or sleep. Now, he felt more like a zombie of some kind, dragging himself at work. Perhaps he'd let Lola down at lunch. They always ate together. But there was Max and Daisy for her to chat with. Usually, she was the quiet sort, even when he was there. She listened, and she was a lot more shy than he suspected.

Actually, he sort of wondered if something might be wrong with her. She was that kind of quiet. But he hadn't speculated anything. She didn't go to special classes. She never went to the office or had to make time during the week to see a psychologist. Still, Lola was awful quiet and nothing at all like her name. No, she was more of a Lisa or a Nell, maybe even a Jane. Yet, he had to wonder what was her secret? Lola did know how to enjoy her own company.

He remembered asking her the general question every Monday morning.,"What did you do this weekend?"

"Nothing really?" She sounded a bit indifferent, but he'd get a smile out of her, sooner or later. Of course, right now, he didn't feel the need to even try to smile. This whole thing with Derrick had knocked the air out of him. It felt as if he was off kilter. The rhythm he knew of his everyday life was not there.

Derrick wasn't there in the hallway waiting for him at school. No brief intermissions at 10 in the morning. And there was no one waiting for him that last fifteen minutes before the library closed.

Ian wished this was just a bad case of the flu. He wanted to say it was over Derrick. Yet, the aftermath still shook through him like little aftershocks. And he doubted himself now. He doubted he'd ever know anyone quite like he knew Derrick.

He squinted hard in thought, wondering then, did he really know Derrick? Did he know he'd do this? He'd sounded so cold on the phone. It was as if Derrick never felt a thing for him at all. It hurt to know this now. To live with it.

Ian pushed an empty cart back to the other empty book carts at the library. Just then he noticed Lola standing there all bundled up with a dish of something sweet.

"I made fudge." She seemed sad about it. "I'm not suppose to eat it."

"Then why did you make it?" Ian wanted to know.

"I dunno. I never made it before." She sighed. "Sometimes, I cook, just to cook."

"Really?" He'd never thought of just cooking.

"Its different things. I made eggrolls once. My brother said they were good." She didn't smile when she spoke. "Anyway, I -I thought you might be hungry. I haven't seen you at lunch, lately.'

"About that." Ian suddenly felt sad, as if he'd let her down.

"Its OK. I used to take walks around the school, at lunch, but then, you know, you started wanting-" She stopped. She handed over the container of fudge. "Well, here." She didn't say anymore. He was left with the fudge. She turned to go.

"Well, wait." He needed to thank her. "Thanks, for thinking of me." He wanted her to know. He reached to give her a hug. At first she stood there as if she didn't understand it, but finally, she gave in and hugged him back.

He started to weep. He doubted she knew how much he needed this.