Sunday, July 29, 2012
a certain kinda of sadness
Henry still found himself wishing he knew what he did wrong, when it came to Derrick. He remembered how he'd wanted to buy Derrick a new phone so he wouldn't have to worry about Dorian's phone calls, anymore, but he bought the Android for himself, instead.
He guessed that was selfish now, maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just being selfish with Derrick too. And he cried himself to sleep at night, wondering what he could have done to change things.
Yet he had Audrey and Josie, his very own fan club, he supposed. He did his best not to care what came of Derrick now. Like they said, it was over. It had to be over. How could he stand for a guy who'd hit him? This relationship was doomed. Maybe it really wasn't a relationship. But the emotion hit him like an avalanche, thinking all he'd ever wanted was to be Derrick's boyfriend. And he couldn't even do that.
Still, there was Audrey, all wise and wonderful. And to think now, how wrong he'd been about her. It was funny to him, how everything was evolving. He was beginning to think Audrey might be really good for his brother. Maybe he was becoming attached to something that wasn't even really there with Derrick.
He nursed on plenty of Tootsie-roll pops, and he'd decide he wasn't going to think about Derrick anymore. Since he hadn't called. Hadn't apologized. This kind of sadness was becoming nothingness. Thankfully, there was work to keep him busy. And he was finding a new crowd to hang out with. Mainly, Audrey and Aidan. Sometimes, Josie would drag him along to a movie with her and Ian. Slowly, he guessed everything was fine. Everything would be all right.
But as luck would have it, Derrick showed up at work with a bag of stuff for Henry. and it wasn't a late birthday present.
"I didn't know where else to leave it." Derrick put it on the counter. Henry thought of so many things he was going to say, but he could only stare at him. Nothing purged from his lips.
Derrick was quiet too. All Henry could do was stare, and it bothered him now that he'd never noticed how small Derrick was. Honestly, he felt a little sad for him. But Derrick was in his suit and tie, on the way to work.
"Could..could we just talk?" Derrick wanted to know.
Henry swelled a frown. He didn't think so.
"Why don't you go, outside." Audrey took the grocery bag as if it were a donations.
Henry's eyes widen. What was she trying to do? Stand up for him. Right here? Start a fight?
"You'll need to come to the back with me." Audrey noted as she motioned for Derrick to come with her. She turned to Henry and whispered. "You just need to get this over with. Say, you're finished. You know, closure."
Henry only drew a breath and gritted. He followed them back. She opened the back door, and handed Henry the grocery bag. He took a look inside and saw all the CD mixes he'd given Derrick, the video games and some old soccer socks.
He and Derrick went out back by the dumpster. Audrey locked them out, but Henry had a fob to get back in.
"I know, it won't mean much, but I really wasn't trying to punch you. I wasn't. I wanted to just... hit Ian." Derrick told him as he pushed his curls back behind his ear. "It was totally wrong to hit you. And..and I know you deserve so much better." Derrick shook his head. "I shouldn't have ran away. I dunno why I did. I really don't." He winced then.
"And now what?" Henry looked at him indifferent.
"I should..I should leave you alone." Derrick nodded.
Henry nursed his bottom lips. "So you can treat me like Ian. Like I'm..I'm not even here?" Henry kept staring at Derrick.
"No, we can still be friends." Derrick squinted harder. Henry didn't believe him.
"Did you get back with Dorian?" Henry couldn't help but ask, wondering how different it would be if Derrick hadn't. Would he find it in his heart to forgive Derrick and go back to how it could be?
Derrick wouldn't look at him then. Henry hugged the grocery bag.
"You're better off, you know." Derrick looked out past the dumpster. "Without me."
"Its the sex, isn't it? Its what didn't happen." Henry knew.
"No. Just...I dunno." Derrick sighed as bitter tears tensed in his eyes. "I know, you loved me. You did..it was just.." Derrick gritted. "I dunno if I could..love you..like that."
Henry only looked at him sadly. "God..you can't do anything..alone..can you? If-if Dorian wasn't in the picture, you would have just ..just stayed around, wouldn't you? Until, the real thing came along." Henry hated that he'd figured him out. Derrick was nothing like he thought he knew. Henry dumped the grocery bag in the dumpster and walked past Derrick, leaving him in the hot sun of the afternoon.
He took out his fob and opened the door. The heavy door slammed shut. Henry didn't even waste time to care that he'd locked Derrick outside.