Sunday, May 12, 2013
holding on to you
Kayla was waiting for a sign, perhaps. Of course, she might have already saw it and just didn't know it.
"So when was the last time you saw my mother?" She acted innocent enough with her Aunt Odile when Kayla came home from work. As it was her aunt slid a casserole in the oven to get her weekend started.
"Maybe Christmas." Aunt Odile looked tense for a moment. "Why?"
"No reason." Kayla didn't know what else to say. Wasn't like they were playing a game of stump the band.
Before she knew it, she was listening to Aunt Odile gush about Luc and Olivia. Having a baby. Still there was a pause or two about the first grand-baby when they both knew the first grandchild was in Aunt Odile's arms.
Kayla did her best to fake the enthusiasm. Soon enough Aunt Odile handed the baby over to Kayla and was on her way.
Kayla's goodbye felt very jilted. But of course, she knew it wasn't Aunt Odile's fault. Not exactly. Still, it made her a little misty eyed as she carried the baby in her arms, who kept looking up at Kayla as if she was all knowing. And she knew that wasn't true.
She gently got in the rocking chair and started to hum a tune. She stopped wondering where she knew it from. Moon River. Someone hummed it to her. But she'd heard it more recently too.
Had she been the one to hum that tune to her, when she was a baby?
Her throat was parched. Kayla couldn't hum the tune anymore as she watched the baby holding on to her wedding finger. It felt like a tender moment. She really wasn't sure she deserved it. None of it.
Honestly, she felt very small in the world now. The baby was so innocent, and it stung her deep that she was living a lie within a lie. Perhaps not quit a lie repeating its self, exactly. Perhaps, this one was even worse than the one she grew up with.
Her throat tensed. She felt as if the air was squeezing shut. She put the baby in her crib quickly before she felt too dizzy. She tried to breathe, but it was hard to calm down. Space and time felt as if it were a wide spectrum, and she couldn't reach either side. Yet somehow she felt numb. Only her heart pounded as she took gulps of breath.
"What happened?" Oliver finally found her. He grabbed the Asthma inhaler from the bathroom. She rarely ever needed it. She didn't have Asthma attacks, anymore. In fact, never.
"I dunno." She shook her head after she breathed in the the inhaler. She was sure it was more of a panic attack. Kayla looked up at Oliver as he held on to her as if she might fall, otherwise. He helped her to the couch.
"What do you do when..when your parents won't talk to you?" She finally managed to say.
"Have you tried calling them?" His answer was simple.
"They've been in Florida all winter." She felt so weak now. Her mother made her call on Saturday evening at five o'clock sharp. It was always conversations about the sunsets, the beach and the traffic. Kayla would tell her about the weather, something about the baby. It was a conversation that never lasted more than fifteen minutes.
"I think they've forgotten." She steadied her eyes on the bay livingroom window. Honestly, it reminded her of when she was at Oliver's great Aunt's house. Not much different.
"Forgot what?" His arm around her felt comforting, and she sinked into his shoulder as if she needed him more now than ever before.
"That I'm adopted." Her voice cracked. She looked at him then and hated what she'd put him through the last year or so, but she knew he'd forgiven her when he looked at her so surprised and happy to be by her side.