thoughts

Amanda laid in her bed most of the morning. They could have Christmas without her. Her dad was stranded in Des Moines due to a snow storm. Maybe. Of course, she wasn't sure she believed him, some of the time. She just figured he didn't want to see her mother this way anymore than the rest of them.

Her eyes swelled up with tears. She caught her breath. Then she thought if she held her breath would this harm the baby. She took a deep breath again and hugged a pillow. She was so tired. Honestly, she could sleep the whole day. That's what she wanted to do. She needed to, but she couldn't.

Amanda didn't know what to think about the next few months. This was her own damn fault. You know you could have stopped it from happening. You know you could have, she kept telling herself. She'd imagined herself going her whole life without sex. Ever. She could have. She very well could have. And then..and then...

She'd been a smart ass. Amanda had to face facts. In fact, she was clueless with this whole boyfriend thing. Actually, she'd never had one. All her other friends had. Not that she couldn't have. They were just not worthy. Really. Always the one, she couldn't stand. She couldn't even make herself like. Of course, she had decided maybe it was her. She attracted such idiot guys. Dorks. Guys with monster braces and zits. None of them would do. Everyone was just so unattractive. And then they weren't. Like Doyle, the guy she practically attacked in the auditorium during some back to school thing. That was horrible. He never spoke to her again, and she didn't dare ask why.

But she'd always been a fighter. Even now, she wanted to fight it. All of it. But it would just make it worse. And she certainly wasn't like those girls on the TV teen shows, all skinny with a baby bump. No, she was a short waisted little thing who looked as if she'd gone an eating binge since Thanksgiving. It was not pretty.

And then it hit her. That's when it happened. The very first time with Kyle. An ugly shiver went through her then as she hugged the pillow more.

She thought of her mother then. All the stuff she was going through. This just might send her over the edge. She could just picture herself at the hospital giving her mother a heart-attack. What was she going to do?

Her brother Dan tapped on the door, but he didn't wait for an answer. She knew it was him, but she wouldn't look.

"Hey, you need to come down," He nudged her then. "Derrick won't open the presents without you."

"What is the point, really?" She looked away and held on to her pillow for some imaginary support.

"Its Christmas."

"So."

"Come on, you know Mom will be so happy when she hears about you and the baby. This is like the best Christmas present ever for her."

She rolled back and looked at her brother then. "This is not a Christmas present." She gave him a mean stare.

"Well, she'll think its a miracle or something."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure she won't." Amanda kept giving him a sour look.

"Its a miracle." He kept teasing.

"Not until it gets here, and I'm a complete fat cow." She told him.

"We'll get through this." He sounded so sincere which was quite unusual for her brother.

"Ha." She gave him a light laugh. "What have you ever done, Dan?"

"I'm depressed, all right." He shrugged.

"I'd certainly never know it." Amanda told him.

"I don't like housework." He frowned a bit then.

"Like I enjoy washing all your stinky clothes and dirty dishes," she said. "You gotta start doing stuff."

"I am," he nodded. "I'm getting a roommate."

"A what? Mom is not going to like that." Amanda rose up on her elbows then. "Who is she?"

"Its not a she?"

"What is it, a Llama?" He always said he wanted to start a Llama farm. They made it sound so easy on TV.

"Its Dylan," Dan stood up then and looked back at her.

"Are you kidding me?" She looked at him as if he were crazy.

"Nope," Dan grinned. "He's already here."

"Jesus, Mary and fuck'n Joseph!" This could only mean one thing. Amanda scowled a bit.

"Get your butt out of bed," Dan winced then. "We have presents to open." With that he jerked back her duvet. Amanda gave him a sullen look and got on her robe.