when you told me

Roger kept trying to think it through. Maybe it wasn't the best place to be kissing. In the kitcen. Of all places. What if someone saw them? What if?

His heart beat tightened. Yeah, this was really happening. He wanted it to happen more than anything. And now it all made him a little dizzy. It wasn't something he struggled with like he had so many times. Just staring at himself in the mirror, going over mannerism how he should talk, laugh, even stare at someone. He'd worked at being the best act in town for what seemed over a decade now.

He just wanted it to be what it should be, being the guy all the girls would want to date. But he wasn't. It was so clear he was not that. And his last attempt, he knew it was wrong. It was just so wrong. He knew when she ended their date in only an hour. ..something was wrong with him. Totally. It was just a sham. Even though, even then he'd felt so rotten about it. He'd talked to Cory about, out of the blue, because he'd been there in the art room after everyone was gone. After even the mean girl had left with the wicked ruler that she enjoyed with such please wacking him in the butt with.

He was even at the point of wondering if perhaps Violet should just whip some sense into him. Maybe that's what he needed, but of course, she'd Frenched some sunny girl named Rebecca instead in front of him and told him he was definitely barking up the wrong tree. Nothing was working. Nothing.

But then Cory was there. Roger hadn't asked if he was looking for anyone imparticular, and Roger remembered his hands were stained with pastels. The picture was practically trashed. It felt as everything was. And he'd been practically crying over the Julia matter. Just what had he done wrong this time? It was always wrong. Of course, Ellie always told him he was trying to hard. Maybe he was. Maybe.

And he thought of how Cory had told him it would be OK. "I get where you're coming from," He'd simply said. "I really do."

"No, you don't," Roger was pretty sure. He felt a fake. All of it. And then Cory kissed him in the art room. Then everything unraveled. Shattered. Immediately, Roger shuddered. No. no..no..no..the word just got smaller as he looked at Cory.

"What was that for?" Roger was blunt. He didn't want to feel anything. He couldn't let it mean anything.

"I guess- I just thought..." Cory looked a little hurt, misunderstood.

"Just don't," Roger winced. It was the right answer. It had to be. It was what he was suppose to say. "Just leave me alone." He felt backed in a corner. Cornered. That's what it was. They just would not speak of it again. Never. He just wanted to vanish. Just wanted to disappear. And thats when he decided he needed to escape. He would just drop out. Take long walks with himself. He could become invisible, couldn't he? Avoiding Cory at all cost.

But Cory would keep leaving messages, apologizing constantly. Then he'd get messages from Cory, telling him everything about Dylan. How it couldn't be this way? He didn't want it to be this way. How could possibly finding someone make you feel more alone in the world? But he couldn't stop listening to Cory's voice crack over the messages on his cell. He'd kept every one of them. Until finally, Roger took one of Cory's calls after a miserable night with Dylan out at a concert.

And now they were here in Roger's room. He felt a tad clumsy. Never in his life had he done anything clumsy. He didn't believe. He'd spent endless summers learning tricks on his skateboard just to be known as a show off. But now it was all new, and it made him smile, feeling warm again, being this close to Cory.

They kissed for sometime on Roger's bed. They'd break away for a moment and just smile to catch their breath. It felt like a drug, an adrenline rush. Every moment was a bit farther than before. Pushing the limits to discover what else might be uncovered.

"So?" Roger wondered what they were waiting for. Wasn't there more? He licked his chapped lips.

"No," Cory shook his head.

"Why not?" Roger knew it was now or never as far as he was concerned.

"Because." Cory winced.

"I don't understand?" Roger felt his heartbeat so loud he wasn't sure if he could even hear Cory's answer.

"Cause I want you to be my boyfriend, and I want us to be sure, you know." Cory nodded.

"I know," Roger understood. He guessed, looking at Cory who just had his shirt off. "Its just I want to know. Everything. Like yesterday, you know."

"I know," Cory smiled. "Its kind of scary, and I just want it to be right." They kissed again. Roger knew Cory didn't want to talk about it.