from Eric's notebook

I am an ass. Plain and simple. Punch me now. Why don't you?

I didn't got back on the first day of school because I am miserable. I didn't say that. I faked it. I told mum it was flu. She believed me. Damn, I'm a good liar.

God, what is wrong with me? I'm afraid to see Ellie. I know what will happen. I do. I asked for it.

Its all Dora's fault. I hate my sister. She turns me into a monster. And she always wins because she's the worst monster of all. I don't know how she does it. God, she just makes me sick. She loves to see me lose. She does. Always has.

I don't understand her. I don't. I don't know why she does the things she does. She's impeccable.

All I've been doing is just fidgeting in my room. I don't even want to listen to my tunes. I'm that depressed. I hate myself. I do. I will never touch alcohol again. All my friends hate me. If its not Ellie to worry about. Its Cory and Roger to think of.

How could I have done such a thing? Just open my mouth and..and do that to Cory. It was his place to discuss something of that nature with Roger. I really, don't want to think about them doing anything. It just makes me flinch even thinking it. It does.

But I really don't care what I said to Elliot about my sister. I know I should. And I've tried. But I don't. I just don't. He needed to know. I didn't know she even knew him. It was just this gut reaction, you know. Just to spill it like that.

I just wasn't expecting that reaction, you know. Really, I wasn't. It was down right hilarious. I know, having fun at someone's expense. I didn't mean it. I just didn't think he'd be quite that delicate on the subject of lesbos. I mean, he's in college for god-sakes. Isn't that like running with the bulls, or something? Sex is a risky business in college, isn't it? You've got to be hard up. Drank up. You just do, you know. Of course, this leads to loads of STDs and the like, but you should be used to shit like this with the parties and the orgies and god knows you could just as well get into an academic fix with a professor of some kind, too. Not just the college crowd, now is it? OK, maybe I watched Van Wilder too many times on Comedy Central. Maybe old Elliot's quite boring.

Its just I don't want to see him with ...I don't even want to say it. Ellie. He can have my sister all he wants. Just leave Ellie alone. That's all I'm asking. Is that too much to ask for?