Sunday, August 2, 2009

shut me out

If I could start all over with you again,
I’d change the way the story ends.
I’d try my best to help you along,
If ever there’s anything wrong,
But I know you gotta be moving on.

Baby it’s gonna be fine if you have to go
And I always wish you well you know,
It’s time for you to do everything,
you always wanted to do.
So, I’ll see you when you make it through

I couldn’t do anything right;
I couldn’t do anything right,
I was so far away and you shut me outside.
Shut me outside,
Shut me outside.

God I wish I was sleeping with you tonight,
We could listen to the rain outside,
I’d tell you a story, sing you a song, promise you nothing is wrong,
But I know you gotta be moving on.

I couldn’t do anything right;
I couldn’t do anything right,
I was so far away and you shut me outside.

It’s time for you to do everything,
you always wanted to do.
So, I’ll see you when you make it through
Yeah, I’ll see you when you make it through

-Aidan Hawken

Really, Kyle didn't want to think about what he was doing. It was the middle of the night. The rain was pouring. Maybe he felt that way on the inside too as he drove to Roger's. He didn't know exactly where he lived, but he'd have to find it. He'd have too. He had Rosie in the back seat in her car-seat. She was sleeping sound.

It occurred to him on his drive that she might hate her name when she grew up. What if she didn't want to be called Rosie? What if she didn't like him at all? What if she knew?

Kyle fought back tears. This wasn't exactly about her, but everything always was in the end. He felt a cold blanket of goosebumps spread across him. Maybe he was sick. Maybe this was what this was about. Maybe he wasn't suppose to go to Utah. He was fine right here, now wasn't he? No, no, it was going to be better this way. He had to believe that he had this determination that it was to be this way. Never look back. Just keep going and before he'd know it, he'd be gone.

He remembered then how Ellie had told him how to get there.

"What are you doing here, man?" Roger must have been asleep. He wasn't too happy to see him in the middle of the night in the rain with a baby. "Dude, shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Be quiet, will you?" Kyle said carrying Rosie in her car-seat. "I just need you to do something."

"Like what?" Roger yawned and now he'd woke up Ellie and her boyfriend too.

Kyle crumbled on the couch then. He thought he could keep it together, but he couldn't. He'd come all this way to bawl his eyes out.

"What is wrong?" Ellie sat down next to him, and he wanted to lash out to her not to touch him, but he didn't. Really, it felt good to have her arms around him and nothing sexual, but in a family way.

"Amanda's coming home tomorrow," he finally breathed. "And I can't be there. I can't see her. I just can't. Its best that I don't. I..I thought I needed a little more time with Rosie before I go, and I just thought maybe you know, you guys could take her back. I've got all her stuff." Everything but a place for her to sleep other than the car seat.

His nose watered and Roger got him some Kleenex. Kyle looked up and saw that Olivia was there too. He'd forgot about her moving in. It was a full house. Everyone was up but Nick. He didn't need to see Nick. He didn't want to see Nick.

"OK, we can make sure she gets back to Amanda." Ellie nodded. "Anything else wrong?"

"Wrong?" Kyle scowled. "Why would you say something like that?"

"You don't do things like this, Kyle." Roger looked at him point blank.

"Its not that big of a deal." He wanted to believe that. He cleared his throat then.

"You can tell us, Kyle." Roger told him.

"Kelsey just feels sorry for me, that's all." Perhaps that was the real reason he didn't want to see Amanda. Kelsey had been in his room with him. It just didn't even feel right to sleep there now.

"Kelsey?" Ellie looked at him as if there had to be more to the story.

"OK, I was with her, all right." Were they happy now? Why had he said anything? He felt bad about this. You just didn't do something like that with your best friend's ex and yet, it had happened. "But nothing happened. Not like you think." He didn't want to believe, anyway. "Its just she told me. I know about Amanda and Eric." He couldn't look at Olivia.

"I think you should talk to Amanda about that." Ellie sighed.

"I don't want to." Yet it felt it was set in stone. It was over with her. It always would be now.


Anonymous said...

Oh no. Kyle must feel awful. I can see why he came to them.

sid and violet said...

I so love that song & well, I love how Kyle can plow into others lives.

past the point said...

I feel so sad for Kyle.

simon n josh said...

Its good to see spite of the circumstances.

the oaks said...

This should be interesting to see how he deals with this aftermath with Amanda. I wonder how she is, too.

Cait said...

I do wonder how Amanda will react to this.