how it was..how it is

Maybe Eric was right, they couldn't work this out, thought Amanda as she went back to the kitchen to see if she could find something for dinner. Maybe it was too late. Maybe Elliot couldn't get passed this with Eric being a part of their lives now.

She knew in her head, even in her dreams, she kept seeing this all being so forgiving. They would be happy. She guessed that was a fantasy. It wasn't like a TV commercial where everyone got along. Besides, they could do that for thirty seconds and then a silence would grow and here they were back to both being at best, strangers.

"Well, did he bring anything good?" Elliot came to the kitchen.

She was freakishly startled and threw a can of chunky noodle soup at him, straight in the chest.

"OW!" This time he meant it too. "You! You! Just want to hurt me!" He heaved a sigh, and he reached for the can in the floor and put it on the kitchen table. He sat down sobbing.

"No," she winced. "You scared me." She sat down next to him.

"I'm trying to make this work, and you won't let me." He sniffed.

"Well, I'm sorry. I am, maybe I don't expect you too. Maybe you shouldn't." She frowned.

"I'm not thrilled that you lied to me." He reminded her.

"I know." She nibbled her bottom lip. She touched her chapped lips. They were so dry. She guessed she deserved that too. He reached in his pocket for some Blistex and gave it to her. She slid the balm across her lips then and gave it back to him. He used some too while it was out.

"Remember that time, I almost had you talked into running away with me. We could have gone to Adventureland, wasn't like I was asking you to go to Hong Kong, you know." He looked at her.

"OK, I wish we had. It would have changed everything. I'm sorry I didn't." She winced.

"You should have." He glared back.

"Are you going to stay mad at me?" She looked him in the eye.

"I don't want to stay mad at you." He told her, shaking his head. "I want to trust you. Because I still love you. It just hurts, you know. Why couldn't it have been me? The one time I wanted it to be me, and it wasn't me, Amanda. It wasn't me." He choked on tears, making himself, practically sick.

She pushed her fingers through his hair, touched his warm forehead. She couldn't help but feel her face flood with tears. She knew she had to listen to all the things he had to say before any of this got better.