when you turn away from me

I had a feeling once
That you and I
Could tell each other everything
For two months
But even without hope
With truth on our side
When you turn away from me
It's not right
-vampire weekend

When he heard her voice, he melted into tears. Kip didn't say how could you do this to me. He couldn't be harsh with her. He'd been there for her since the get go. It hurt. Of course, finding out she'd gone to Nebraska. He didn't say anything for the longest time. He just listened.

She'd found someone else. And she was happy. So happy. Kip's mouth suddenly went sad even if he struggled to smile. It was an awful feeling. Thinking all this time was a lie. He'd been living this lie. Thinking, they would be together forever.

OK, maybe she wore nothing becoming around him. She was so frumpy and library-like in those horrid black rimmed glasses. Just the same, it grew on him. And he loved her just the same. He loved her. Loved the way she smiled. Her laugh. The way she ate her cornflakes in the morning. How she read the paper, stretched across the kitchen table.

God, it was so comforting, to find her there each day. After work.

If only, he'd made his move. He was. He could have. But he knew it best to wait. Hoping for that moment when she'd smile. They'd cuddle on the couch and maybe kiss during Seinfeld. He'd been on repeat with her for what seemed forever.

Nothing. Nothing ever happened with Syd. But all the while he was thinking three letter names for their kids. Like, Leo, or Cam. Maybe even Zoe. Now he wanted to pull his hair out.

It was over. It was over with Syd, and he felt he had nothing. Nothing now. Completely alone. So cold. So still. After he got off the phone he went to the bathroom. He thought he might have a bad case of diarrhea now. But it was just gas. He started to laugh, but he couldn't help himself. The tears took over, and he was left raw and horrified.

Kip finally got up from the commode and pulled up his sweat pants, went to wash his hands. He looked at his tired face in the mirror. He didn't like what he saw. How could she ever love someone like him. Someone who didn't like to shave. He liked anchovies from a can. Herring and cream cheese in a jar for a treat. He was a nasty bastard. He'd finally decided on his favorite foods, alone. Nobody would want him.

Kip jerked open the medicine cabinet. He had some sleeping pills. That would be too easy. But the razors. He smiled. Jackpot. He picked one up. Carefully. Held it steady in his left hand. It was fresh. Right out of the packet. He laughed on the inside. It felt good between his finger tips. He gritted, even lipped, as he looked at his open wrist. So bare and possibly the most beautiful part of him. Kip gritted harder. Hoping he would really be here to think about what he was about to do. But he wasn't really here. And he needed to do this. Now.