The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I’m down and my knees, and I know that something is missing
Because the back of my mind is holding things I’m relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I’m always denying them
I’m a bit of a manic when it’s not as I plan
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting
I don’t want to know
I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I need a saviour
Amanda had caught the first bus she could find. Just the city bus. She rode around a good long time, feeling nothing. Not even the bitter cold in the thin T-shirt she was wearing. She'd forgot her hoodie. She walked out the door and kept going. At least she'd held on to her messenger bag. That was days ago. She just kept riding, until she felt like getting off to go to the mall and walk around for a while. Maybe go to the bathroom. Catch another bus and be lulled into traveling around and around. Finally, she saw a place familiar to her. Of course, she couldn't say when it was, but it was the church she used to go to which was a part of the Catholic school she'd attended.
Like a robot she'd gone in and taken refuge there. But she wasn't there for confession. She wasn't sure why she went. But she soaked in the stained glass beauty as the sunlight shown through. It was a comfort to lay down on the soft pew. She took a nap. Slept finally in peace.
When she awoke she thought of how much she'd hated it here, growing up. But the more she thought about it, she wished she was still in school here. Things would have been different. Very different. She now thought... because she wanted things to be different. Because if she'd only knew then what she knew now about herself, she would have been a different person. She would have been more focused on an education.
Sure, she'd gotten good grades. She knew how to do that. But it was the thought of savoring those moments that she'd so despised then. Mass everyday. The dreaded uniforms. Why were they so mean here?
Suddenly, she was feeling cold. And she started to cry. She'd left Evan. She didn't mean to. She wanted Kyle to hurry up and get there. Or even Eric. But she couldn't wait. She couldn't think what to say, to either of them. She just needed to get away. She couldn't take the baby crying so. Or the thought she might hurt him, even in her sleep. She had to stay away from him. It was for his own safety.
She was doing this for Evan's own good.
Someone came into the chapel. It was a familiar face. She hadn't seen him in a very long time.
Doyle?" Was it really him? She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I work here." He shrugged.
"Really?" She couldn't imagine that. Wasn't he going to be a superstar of some kind? She remembered their competitions in choir.
"I don't think you want to know." He smiled.
"But I do." She nodded, thinking he could be a priest. Not Doyle.
"I'm working on being the youth director. I'm still taking classes, but they needed someone, and I said I'd do it."
"I hope you're getting paid," Amanda winced.
"A little." He sighed. "So what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I don't know." She couldn't look at him.
"You're not running away, are you?" He sat with her.
"Why would you say that?" She looked at him then.
"I dunno." He grinned. "I read in the paper you got married." He stared at her.
"Yeah." She nodded.
"And I saw that it wasn't Kyle." His words made her skin prickle.
"I guess I messed up." She whispered then, looking away.
"Its never too late, you know." Doyle told her.
"Yeah, well, it is." A single tear stuck to the inner part of her right eye. She frowned, so upset.
"Come on, you've got to be freezing. I'll find you something to eat in the school lounge. Maybe even a hoodie in the lost and found." He put his arm around her as a friend would.
Funny, she couldn't remember the last time she ate.
All she could do was hug him though.
"You know the reason why we never got together, don't you?" He finally unwrapped her arms around him and went to the fridge to find her something to eat.
Amanda just blinked wondering what that was suppose to mean. She supposed she'd have to guess, because he wasn't going to tell her. Instead he made her a ham sandwich. She sat down at the lounge table when he brought her the food.
"Do you live with someone now?" She thought she should ask.
He shook his head, no. He still lived at home with his mother. Really, he was so different than she had imagined. She had a feeling he'd never let himself fall in love with anyone, either. And he wouldn't talk about himself, as usual. He wanted to listen to what had happened to her.