Monday, May 9, 2011
don't stop believing
Asa shook off the nerves with a little jump as if he were about to go on the court and play basketball. He was in the breakroom at the library taking one last sip of his bottled water. Anyone would have thought he was getting ready for a race instead of a book club.
Of course, all the thoughts of Amanda fell back into place. What was he suppose to do now? He was slow getting to the round table in the young adult area where the book club would be. He couldn't stop thinking about Amanda..even now.
Yes, he knew the baby was Elliot's. And..and he was sure to say the wrong thing. But it felt as if he was bottling it up. All inside. He just needed to get through this book club.
So he got started on the Jane Austen book. They talked about how formal everyone was in the book. No one was like that, anymore.
He thought of Elliot. How he'd acted as if nothing happened at all. Was he an evil Mr. Darcy? Elliot just didn't want to face the fact.. or was it Asa who didn't want to...
"Mr. A?" Some nerdy boy pointed out that Jane Austen really didn't know what love was.
Asa felt faint. "Good point," Asa said although, he didn't really get Neal's point. But everyone could have a point here. Teenagers had their pencils pointing them at Neal as if he weren't suppose to talk like that, about Jane.
Asa almost thought he'd lost it, as he sat there with the rowdy bunch. It didn't feel that way at home, having any say in what went on. A lot like right now with the teenagers, griping about prom and why didn't they have an anti-prom. He didn't think he had a point to stand on. But he really did. He had a point to why he should be with Amanda and not Elliot.
But he looked at all the teenagers who had came out, for this little forty-five minute segment that lasted all of twenty. Then Pizza. Everyone was in sandals and shorts now. Talking of vacations. Suddenly, he felt very sad. Did any of them even care that he was here?
"YOU HURT! HER!" Asa had the upper hand here, but he wasn't sure of it. When he got back home, it was just Elliot at the dining table grading papers.
"Asa," Elliot said but he looked away as if he didn't want to be bothered with this. "You don't have to be the hero, anymore."
"What does that mean?" Asa gritted as he just stood there staring at Elliot.
Elliot sighed. "You don't have to rub it in, how shitty I've been." He paused. "But, I don't want to give up, either."
Asa let Elliot's words roll around in his head, but he still wasn't sure where this was going.
"Don't you think I'm in limbo here? I-I very much want to be a Dad to my kid. I'm just not a very good husband. OK. I understand that. And yeah, I remember all the things I said to her that she can't ever stop thinking..I won't say again." He sucked in a breathe. "At least, I know you. I think." He looked at Asa then. "I'm gonna move out." He nodded. "All right."
Asa only nodded with his hand shoved deep in his cheap slacks.
"I want everything to be normal. Normal as possible." Elliot's voice cracked then as he held his red maker with both hands. "I think if she can be happy with everything now. It'll be so much better after the baby is born. And you make her happy. You always did. You always will."
His words made Asa so sad. He wanted to believe him.