after thougths

Elliot was in a fog. But the reality was he was divorced now. And it looked like he had full custody of Pearl, too. At first, he thought he might have a heart attack when it donned on him, it was actually true. It was just a panic attack.

Amanda was being a bit aloof. She talked of teaching and how much she needed to do. It was like talking to a stranger now. He kept hoping Asa would say anything, but he watched like a bystander, too.

"You sure, you're up for this?" Elliot felt as if he'd left Asa with some sort of aftermath that couldn't be fixed.

"Yeah, why not?" Asa said, but that was back when he had Rosie to think about too. Now, she was going to live with Kyle, for good. That was even more to get used too. Kyle leaving. It wasn't that far. But the house was growing empty. Even at Amanda and Asa's. A part of Elliot wanted to go back to court. Get his house back. After all, he had Pearl now. And as strange and happy as that could be, was he the right one for the job?

Yes, he slept with  Pearl. Not all the time. Just, when he forgot about putting her in the crib.

"You are so gonna regret this." Now even Sam caught him. He supposed Rachel put him up to it.

So, they moved Pearl into Kyle's room. A part of Elliot felt his new parents were Rachel and Sam. They checked on him constantly with the baby.

"We're just looking out for you, that's all." Sam reminded him.

"Its all so overwhelming." Rachel put in her two cents worth. "But you're doing great." He could see them putting two thumbs up, when ever he did something right with Pearl. Still, nothing was ever like it used to be. Yet, he was certain he deserved that. It was hard, accepting, this was life after Amanda. It wasn't easy to embrace. Sure, he caught himself enjoying his time with Pearl. He was grateful for that. And yet, he felt so unloved. Was he really a good father? Was he really anything he could have been?

Time was ticking. He needed to find child care. He had workshops to go to before school started. And he knew he hadn't really done anything this summer.

"Of course, you did." Penelope told him. A part of him thought she appeared in a dream when she told him this. She talked about that painting he'd made for her. Something about sunflowers. He remembered violets. Now he wasn't sure what he'd painted.  But he guessed she was there because he woke up in her arms. He'd been crying. Perhaps it was lack of sleep. It felt like waking up when he'd fallen asleep with Pearl in his arms.

"Oh no..." He backed away. Went to make sure Pearl was where she was suppose to be. She was. He gazed at Pearl, sleeping with her little fists clutched tight, nursing an invisible bottle. "God, its so scary being a Dad." He shook his head.

"But its getting better." Penelope assured him as she held his hand. Elliot tried to smile. He guessed Penelope actually thought he knew what he was doing.