I was born to be lead a double life

I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable and luscious
I would have it all if I'd only had this much
No need for Lucifer to fall if he'd learn to keep his mouth shut
I would be be involved-Liz Phair

There was a time when Ryan's Hope meant a lot more than an old American TV drama. And maybe Ryan and Hope were a bit of a soap opera.

Ryan knew she'd said a lot of mean things to Hope in the end. Because other wise, they'd probably still be together.

Ryan met Hope at Freshman summer week a month before she started college. It some how quickly evolved into something of a romance after they met again at the University cafeteria. Of course, at the time, Ryan knew Hope thought she was talking to a guy not a girl. And Ryan liked that about her. It was sincere and real, and they could talk about everything as in the world. Not about Kyle and how he/she dressed and why Ryan chose to be transgender. It was free of questions. They made each other smile. And Ryan guessed Hope gave up a lot to be with him/ her.

They were each other's first. It was suppose to last. It felt so. They made the decision to be there for each other. It felt right and possibly too perfect. Hope was a great listener. She helped Ryan become the actor that Ryan wanted to be.

Hope was quite the debater too. Law seemed to be her next step. But first New York City. All these plans. So many plans.

Ryan hid in the tent at the last big larping campout of the summer.  Avoiding Hope, as much as possible. Somebody said that Hope was seeing some feminist now. They were moving to Berkley. But she was here. Ryan did want to see her, yet didn't really want to speak with her.

"You know why I called you, S.E., don't you?" Ryan pulled Roger down to the sleeping bag to sit as if they might start yoga exercises before the big challenge.

"Silent Eura?" Roger winced still not sure he would call the term an endearment. But Ryan still called him this, most times when they were together.

"S.E. as in Hinton. S.E. Hinton." Ryan couldn't help but smile.

"S.E. Hinton?" Roger winced, thinking it funny.

"Yeah, I thought of you and me in THE OUTSIDERS." Ryan's version was a little different from the original. But of course, Roger would be one of the lead character.

"You know S.E. Hinton is a woman, right?" Roger pointed out.

"I don't care." Ryan gazed at Roger as if he would not spoil this. No way. A part of Ryan always wanted to be a guy with a guy. Roger understood. But who was the fool here? Roger? Hope? "Look, Hope never wanted me to go through with it. You know, complete transition."

"I know." They'd gone to counseling about this. Roger seemed to know the drill. Ryan grabbed his hand.

"I'm not sure I can do it." Ryan  winced. "I mean, it cost money, I don't have. I want my life back. Just why can't I be me, you know."

"You are you. You know that." Roger assured her.

"I know that. Its just... larping means nothing to me now. Have I closed all the doors of having just a certain future?" Acting could only take her so far. And she wanted male roles.

He told her she had time. There was still time, to think this through. But Ryan wasn't so sure. There wasn't that much time to decide the future.