unsure of it all

Jules stared at the library card Kayla gave him. All he had to do was put his name on it and come to the library and check out a movie or music. It didn't have to be a book.

Of course, he was uneasy about it. Ian would be there and after their little talk about Ian's boyfriend which was more or less Ian giving him a little speech about it and Jules giving him a very low .."oh." He choked on his words. Thinking he'd say something he'd regret, but deep down, sleepless nights followed.

Funny, how he kept telling himself that none of this about Ian was his fault, and yet in his heart he thought it was. All his fault. He would be numb of all of it if he'd been home at the pub, drinking it down as some rot he didn't want to deal with. But if that were the case, chances were he'd be kissing anything that came his way. This would include friends, the ladies and even the blokes.

He felt a bit angry because there was stuff Ian never brought up. Not on his first night back. Yes, they'd been more than chums, back home. But then again, maybe that didn't count. They'd been drunk off their socks, back then. Add a little weed and some pills to the process of a good night out with the mates..and..anything was possible.

It was just as well to keep it secret. He guessed. Didn't want to dare rock the boat now. Derrick seemed  quite the timid little thing. Yet, it was a very hard matter for Jules, he'd never kept quite about anything in his entire life. It was all a laugh, now wasn't it? Used to be, he guessed now as he took the long walk to the library.

The leaves were starting to change colors. He wanted to believe he'd changed too, as he walked through the downtown streets in the autumn chill, canapes of gold and red leaves over head. But there was this under current that pulsed through him that so wanted to get shit face and just see where the night would take him. Yet, it felt like an empty solution. He could taste the liquor on his lips already. Like a nightmare, he knew how devastating one night of binge drinking could get him.

So now he roamed the shelves for something to read at the library. He'd passed the new books right up. Even the DVDs didn't look promising. Seriously, he didn't know why he was here. Then he turned to see that girl. He winced. Maybe he needed glasses. From a distance she reminded him of his favorite actress in the movies, Kat Dennings.

He cleared his throat. He'd seen her before. Perhaps Ian knew her. Maybe he didn't. She was doing something with yarn. It looked like knitting, possibly. He studied her hands a bit, trying to work up an opening line of some sort. Honestly, there was no need to know anything witty from the places he'd been. But now, this was the library. What if they hushed him?

He went to pick up the Rolling Stone magazine in the lobby area where she sat. Some were on their laptops or tablets. Maybe she should speak first. He thumbed through the magazine.

"I saw them over the summer." She noted.

"Those guys?" It was Owl City, a far cry from the screamo bands that Jules was used to.

"Yeah, they..they were cool." She stumbled on words as if she was certain he wouldn't agree.

"You go to lot of shows?" He looked at her as if it were a way to take her in, some how, like a photograph.

"I wish." She shrugged. "Every now and then."

He liked the way her hair fell across her shoulder. And there were obvious soft parts of her, he'd so like to get to know, but he turned quickly away. He cleared his mind and turned back. "So..so what are you making?"

"Its a hat. A slouchy hat." She kept busy with her stitches.

"I like hats." He edged a smile, thinking that was the dumbest come back he'd ever came back with.

"You're not wearing one right now." She reminded him.

"That's..that's because..me mate, says I'm a dumb ass, in hats." Jules winced, thinking this conversation was taking a nose dive to ending soon. But he offered a handshake and introduced himself. In another two minutes, this girl, Josie made him hat.

Jules couldn't help but grin.