Saturday, July 21, 2012
its not too late
Dorian didn't feel lost yet. Yes, he knew there were a lot of things Derrick wanted him to do. He knew Derrick didn't want to be a secret. He got that, but his life was complicated too. But for different reasons.
He wanted to be stronger about what he wanted. But every-time, he thought he might tell his Dad about his other life, his dad would do something ridiculously homophobic. This always put Dorian off. Yet, he'd watch a movie or something inspiring to make him feel he had to tell the truth. He knew there would be consequences. His Dad would be furious. Maybe kick him out of the house.
Possibly, it was fear, but seriously, he liked his secret life. Maybe.
Then he thought of his great uncle who was totally old school when it came to an alternative lifestyle.
1. Uncle Lane wouldn't even admit he was gay.
2. He had a houseful of guys, young and old, always around.
3. Many of them took Uncle Lane for granted. They depended on him, for so much. Even Dorian didn't know how well off or not Uncle Lane might be. And yet, with so many acquaintances, he never had a life-time partner. Naturally, Dorian felt doomed to that sort of life.
"I promise, I'm not stalling. Its just something, I can't do, over night." He told Derrick now. In spite of all of Derrick's pitfalls, he honestly thought they could make this work. "I just need to find my own place. OK."
"And what? I'm suppose to move in with you?" Derrick's impish grin made Dorian sigh with giddiness.
"Eventually." Dorian grinned. "But, you've got another year of school. And, and I want to make this work." He was sure he could. He at least had his lifeguard job this summer for starters. If only that were enough. Honestly, he was thinking of the future. It was a good idea to not let his father's emotions get the best of him. But it took so much to be emotionally ready for the downfall of everything to come. And if it didn't happen, well, he'd try to be ready. "I need a place to live. I haven't found that yet."
"Maybe.." The way Derrick grinned, Dorian knew what he was thinking.
"You've got a houseful. Can't make this anymore complicated than it is." Dorian looked at him serious. "Look, you need to talk to Henry." He knew it looked like he was taking Derrick away from Henry, yet Dorian didn't really believe that. He didn't really want Henry to hate Derrick. "If he needs to hate anyone, just tell him to hate me. All right." As soon as Dorian said it, he knew he loved Derrick, but did Derrick love him? "But what do I know, maybe you really love Henry. And..and you could wait, until..you know, he decides-"
Derrick shook his head. "No, no he deserves better." Now Derrick looked sad. "I don't even know..what you see in me." Now he was even trying to put doubt in Dorian's heart.
"Jesus," Dorian squinted, wishing Derrick would let go of the dramatics. "You, can not do this to me now." Dorian sat close to Derrick. His fingers touched Derrick's. He wished that was enough. "We'll get through this. We will. And we'll both be better, because of it."