Friday, July 27, 2012
Somebody that I used to know
Dorian awoke a many of night in a cold sweat, imagining how Quinn would react if she knew who he really was. She might say he was a fake boyfriend, even a demon. And she might be right. He'd never been honest with her. Instead, he'd been who she wanted him to be. Her boyfriend.
Of course, that wasn't asking the world, entirely. He'd managed to be there for every occasion. Their relationship was good for both of them. She went on talking. He nodded as if he knew exactly what she was talking about. But she pretty much planned his life. They'd go to the same bible college. They'd become youth minsters. It wasn't exactly set in stone. Each time she mentioned it, it felt more like a horror story about to unfold. And as that time mentioned neared, Dorian felt the need to spill his guts. But if he did that, then his parents would soon know and everyone else for that matter. He would certainly be outed and soon left in the cold. Definitely, the domino effect he was trying to avoid.
So, he was expecting the worst. He had a little cash, actually a good bit from his high school graduation. If push came to shove, he'd stay in a motel room somewhere. Go this alone, with or without Derrick. But there felt this pressure, that he needed to be somebody else, maybe even to Derrick. All this was on his mind, as he met Quinn at the door. She motioned him to come in to the kitchen. She was busy, dressed like sunshine in her sunflower apron over her skinny mustard jeans and yellow tee to match.
"We don't have zesty Italian dressing, you think this'll work?" She wanted his opinion right away as she held up a bottle of generic Italian dressing. She was about to make a pasta salad. The noodles were cooling over cold water in the sink.
"I guess," Dorian shrugged. As usual, she could get him off the subject. Whatever she was doing was always far more important than what he might have in mind.
Dorian licked his tender lips.
"What's the matter?" She looked back at him as she was about to put the pasta in a bowl. She tossed in some pepperoni and shredded cheese too.
"Nothing." He felt helpless, suddenly. He didn't want to upset her, but he wanted to get his over with, too.
"Are you sure about that?" She kept her eye on him as she was stirring the salad together with fresh black olives and green onion. "Your lips always get chapped when you worry."
He never knew she knew that about him, yet he held his breath wishing he could be somebody else, to tell these things to her.
"Do you want some sweet tea?" She smiled, but didn't wait for an answer. She got glasses of ice and poured them both some. "Dorian, what is it?" She coaxed him into the dining area. "Just tell me. Already." She started to fume a bit.
He'd hoped to start all this off positive. Ask about her summer vacation with her grand parents in North Dakota. Not be put on the spot.
"You're right, I do, have to tell you something." It was a good start, but soon he found himself floundering as he looked at her. "I'm..I'm not who you think I am." He held his hands tight, wondering where his words went.
"Who are you?" She flirted. "Dorian Grey? An outlaw? Maybe you really do want to be an actor." She teased him still about the musical. She had no idea he liked drama, and found it all so funny. She went on an on about how wonderful his voice was. What other secrets was he hiding?
Dorian sighed. He shook his head.
"I'm not who you want me to be. I can't be. I can't be your boyfriend. I never really was your boyfriend." He managed to say.
"Yes, you are." She was all smiles as if there was no unbelievable truth to know.
"God," Dorian's face tensed.
"Don't take the lord's name in vain, Dorry." Quinn shook her finger at him.
Dorian thought he might explode, but he calmly said. "I've been seeing Derrick."
"Derrick?" She winced as if she couldn't put his face with the name.
"Yes." Dorian stared at her as if he were not going to look away.
"What are you trying to say?" She turned her nose up with disgust.
"Why don't you guess?" He got up then, not wanting to say it. Let someone else say it. He wished he could be proud of it. Maybe some day he would be. "But remember, I never really was your boyfriend, but I have a boyfriend, and his name is Derrick. I'm sorry I waited until now to tell you."
She only eyeballed him. He walked away, not even wondering who she'd tell. Dorian guessed his parents were next.