Saturday, September 1, 2012
can't get you out of my head
It must have been the flu. Asa thought so now. Maybe a very bad sinus infection. It left him so achy and..well...blue. But he was coming around now. Although, he pretty much stayed away from the baby. He hated himself for being in this predicament. Not feeling well. Horrible, in fact. It was hard to say if it were mental or physical now. Still, he moved slow. Wasn't like he was going to do jumping jacks at the moment as he shuffled toward the kitchen in his track pants and tank, trying to look presentable.
Camille made pie and she was kneading dough at the moment. She asked how he felt. He mumbled something. Maybe she heard him. She started in about her grandmother's pie crust. How it had egg and vinegar in it.
"I had to look the recipe up, online because I couldn't remember it." She shrugged.
"Thank God, for the Internet." He sighed with his cup of coffee. Still, it couldn't possibly let him reach anyone in the here after. Like Amanda.
Camille cut him a slice of apple pie without asking. He looked it over. It was picture perfect. The way the apples sliced so evenly in a cinnamon sugar goo between a tender pie crust.
"I was going to do a little grocery shopping. Take Dylan with me." She told him then as she refrigerated the pie dough.
As it was she was possibly the designated care giver at the moment for the infant. Josie was going back to school. Of course, Derrick was doing what he did best. Not be around when he was needed. But of course, he had classes too.
"You don't have to..." His brow furrowed as if he shouldn't have said a thing. Yet, he felt the need to do something. Finally, he took a mouth full of pie. It was amazing, but he almost choked on it. He chewed slowly as if she'd have to wait for him to finish. He asked her sit. Have some coffee. "This..this is..really good."
"Then you must feel better." Her smile was slight.
"Maybe, I do." Instantly his eyes were glassy. He didn't like this happening. Here he was with a houseful of people and so alone. "I'm sorry. So sorry, I'm like this." He wanted to be happy. He should be. Yet grief still got the best of him. He felt he was stuck in some other world. Waiting for a sign.
"It was just the flu. You couldn't help it." She told him.
Asa really wished it was the flu.
"Right." He nodded trying to be sensible. "I guess we should..should have a baby shower. I didn't miss it, did I?" He really needed to blow his nose.
"Josie, didn't want one," Camille said. "But..that would really be nice..for you and the baby."
Asa shook his head, no. Definitely, not for him. He knew what it said on the papers. But he didn't feel like a father. He didn't feel like anyone's father.