Wednesday, November 14, 2012
as the days go by
Ian was being ever so careful to put the nail polish in place on Josie's pinkie. It was a delicate matter but she was beginning to fidget.
"What is it?" He stopped and looked up at her.
"Why are you doing this?" She didn't exactly snap. She didn't move her finger away. He went back to work.
"I thought you wanted me to do this. You liked this color. It's the perfect pink because you said it was not a real pink." She'd talked about it non-stop while they were at Wal-greens waiting for her birth control pills. They talked about nail polish. As if there was nothing else to dwell on.
"No..its..its you, aren't going to talk about it. Are you?" Her bottom lip swelled as if he was making an issue of it. Not her.
"OK." He put the nail polish away. "Kayla had her baby." He was even lipped, but then pressed them tight. "I just ..always pictured it in my head..it would be a boy." Letting out a breath, he really wished he could say more. He always visualized he could deal with it. No matter what. It would be fine.
"What's so bad about the baby being a girl?" Josie watched him
"Its fine." But he could barely breathe. He didn't want to see the baby. Somehow, he'd gotten out of it. He knew he would see the baby during the holidays. He'd have to. Hopefully, Everything would be fine by then. He needed to stay calm. He needed to stay away. Somehow. "I'm really happy..for them." But he didn't feel it. Not the way he wanted to.
There was a time, he felt as if he were quite giving, but it really wasn't true. Actually, he couldn't quite stand it. "I just hope Oliver keeps up his end of it."
"You, never said what happened. I'd just had Dylan. And you..you weren't with me, like I wanted you too." She festered a frown, reminding him he was the one she wanted.
"I know you, don't understand." He looked away. "But I needed to be with my brothers. You needed to be with your mum and Asa and even Derrick. Even if you won't ever believe it. But it was a time when you all needed to be together." He reminded her as he looked back at her. "I was around." Of course, she was asleep for most of it.
She smiled at him then and pulled out a new hat she'd crocheted for him. This one was brown with flaps. She pulled it over his ears. Ian smiled with satisfaction.
"I hope we get snow soon," Josie said.
"That would be great. It was a very hot and dry summer." Ian agreed.
"Hayley says its raining in London." She went to her laptop, brought up some places she wished to see. She was very happy to plan this trip that wasn't until summer. He liked her enthusiasm.
Suddenly, he felt a certain calm. If he got through this year, he might go to England and never come back.