Sunday, March 31, 2013
Derrick was trying. Trying to hold on, without giving in.
But what if they found out? Something was really wrong with him.
He didn't think he was exactly bipolar. He'd googled it. He'd read about it. The risks, bipolar people took. The statistics, of those with it were usually high on the list with those having affairs, and other major catastrophes in their lives.
He knew he shouldn't make it about himself. He should be thinking of Sunny. And he did.
It was his fault. Why had he wanted to make her feel so bad? He regretted it now. But at the time, it was as if he had no control. No control, at all, like a stormy fire he could not put out. It would be something he'd have to live with, for the rest of his life.
So many flashbacks of what he'd said kept him awake at night. That look on her face. Why? Why did he have to say anything? Or do anything? Why did it matter so much?
Still, he needed to go on. There was work. He couldn't mess this up. He needed this job, but Hansen never said a word to him, anymore, after the parking lot fight (which Derrick initiated). It was all becoming quite numb. Just going through the motions, hoping not to get in trouble. Being thankful for each day he was not trouble.
There was that silly little red heart shaped box of candy that Rosie didn't get to Asa on Valentines day, and here it was Easter Sunday.
"Will you take me?" She'd bugged him about it for days it seemed. Maybe weeks. They'd gotten through Easter dinner and Rosie wanted to see Asa.
At least it would give him a chance to see Dylan if he took her. Rosie called. Asa said it was OK for them to come over.
Derrick was going to get to see his son, and that was a good feeling to go on, but when they got there, someone was with Asa.
Derrick, immediately thought she was not Asa's type.
"Is she goth or something?" He'd ask as soon as he got Asa alone in Dylan's nursery. "What are you doing with her?"
Rosie liked her. She liked Jane's little baby, but from what Derrick could see, he thought Jane might be Wiccan.
"I didn't know, how to tell you." Asa shrugged as if he still didn't want too.
"Tell me what?" Derrick squinted.
"Jane's living with me." His words sounded warbled. Not quite true. Derrick couldn't have been hearing him correctly. He didn't want to hear him. Derrick focused on the baby who was so cute. But of course, he didn't see himself in the child. Just Josie. That made him kind of bitter. He tried not to be.
"You and her?" Derrick's throat felt parched. He could hardly say the words. "But what about?" He didn't want to say his sister's name. What would Amanda think? He wanted say.
"She's who I want to be with. OK?" Asa simply said. "Some day, we'll get married. I really want to marry her."
"I get it." Derrick kept staring at the baby who was kicking in the crib like a little cyclist. He held on to Derrick's fingers. His grip was strong. His eyes so bright, and his smile swallowed Derrick some place he wanted to be.
"You know, I really wanted to marry Amanda, but I don't think she..." Asa looked sad. "I guess she thought it would ruin it, what ever it was, we had. I dunno. But now, I want to make this right with Jane."
"I know." Derrick knew he needed to let it go. Asa was moving on. "I just don't..want to forget. I don't want you to forget." Derrick gritted then.
He didn't want to hate Jane. He didn't even know her.
"Maybe, you can come over for dinner. We can still talk, you know." Asa told him.
There was Dylan to think about.
"Promise?" Derrick wanted to know.
"Promise." Asa nodded.
He rubbed Dylan's dark shock of locks. Finally, he was starting to see himself in Dylan. Derrick couldn't help but smile. When he took Dylan in his arms, he knew it was the kind of love he couldn't let slip away. He had to find a way to be better.