Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Don't be sad, I know you will
Shan listened in disbelief. The cops found Henry on the roof of some building. He'd overdosed.
"Hopefully, they got to him in time." Henry's Dad told him it would be all right if he went in to see him. He wasn't conscious, but it was wait and see. Shan wondered what that meant. Was he in coma? Were they waiting to see if he'd be in a coma?
Shan didn't know exactly who he was looking at, in that desolate hospital bed. Actually. He didn't know that Henry. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know him. Shan felt pressed to do as they asked so he sat with this very pale body that Shan wasn't sure he trusted.
What if they just thought they found Henry, but they actually didn't? Shan stayed hushed. He couldn't speak because there was nothing he could say.
Shan was so mad at Henry. Shan could just shake him. Of course, he was angry about before. He guessed Henry must have been on uppers then. Henry was so spastic and hyper. He'd never seen him with so much energy and so angry with him.
Shan felt so lost now. He didn't know if he could go through this with Henry. How long was this going to take? Weeks? Months? Maybe even years?
Bitter tears finally rose to the occasion. It was devastating to see Henry so lifeless.
Shan watched the clock. He hadn't been here five minutes, and he wanted to go. He couldn't look at him.
In fact, he got home before Fish did.
It was good to be away from the hospital. The smell. He remembered how Henry smelled from before. Like the hospital. Hospital poison, he thought.
Shan grabbed Fish's pillow from the floor where he'd slept, and put it to his face and breathed in Fish's scent. It smelled of chocolate chip cookies with a little cinnamon and everything good. He held on to the pillow willing himself not to cry. Instead, he bit the pillow before he could let himself scream of the misery he felt.
Maybe Henry meant to hurt him this way, he decided as he sat on Fish's bed, pushing his head at the headboard while pulling his shoes off.
Shan closed his eyes, but all he saw was Henry's sad face. He couldn't even imagine his smile now.
"You're back? Already?" Fish looked a little shocked when he found Shan. "How is he?" Fish wanted to know.
"They don't know. He might be in a coma." Shan shrugged.
"A coma? Seriously?" Fish looked so sad. "God, I'm so..so ..sorry. I thought..."
"What? That he'd be happy to see me?" Shan's laugh was cynical. He stared at Fish. "I don't know what his folks want from me, but I'm not going back, Fish. I don't want to see him that way." His voice cracked with emotion.
"You're just in shock, that's all. You know, you want to be there for him." Fish assured him.
"No. I don't." He shook his head as if he had a very bad taste in his mouth. "The things ..he said..to me..before.." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I've put up with crap like that, all my life. Is that all I'm good for, Fish?"
"No..no..of course, not." Fish set at the edge of the bed, and Shan reached for him. Fish let him hug him tight.
When Shan kissed him, it was nothing like he remembered. Not like with Henry. Shan couldn't help but laugh at Fish then.
"What?" Fish looked at him as if he'd done something wrong.
"I just didn't know..your lips would be so soft." Shan smiled and kissed him before Fish could question him.