Monday, September 9, 2013
Its just a matter of trust
Henry wasn't exactly sure what a good time was anymore.
Yes, he was trying. And he'd seen Vada from a distance. Now he felt more sad. She came to the football game, after all, and she was with Cody. What was up with that? Did they hang out, all the time?
Oddly, Henry was going out with a friend, all because of Vada. He was trying. But the band did give him a headache. It was so loud. Yet, Henry kept calm. Every now and then, Leo would look back at him. Ask if he was OK. Ask if he needed anything. Then he was alone during the half-time performance. He'd noticed Shan with Fish.
But he didn't really feel anything. Shan stretched his legs out and leaned back like some dude from That 70's show. Henry wondered if he were high.
He focused on the marching band. Leo especially. Henry waved once, then thinking it was silly. Somebody might think they were going out. But they weren't. Leo was just being a friend.
And he liked that about him.
He listened to him talk about how they should do a rock opera at school. "With zombies." He liked zombie movies. And of course, this game Asylum.
Leo started the game. It was scary. But then Henry guessed it was him. He was squeamish these days about so many things. And the longer he watched, going down these scary halls in the game, he panicked.
"I can't do this." He was shaking. Something about this game, made him think of where he'd been.
"What's wrong?" Leo looked at him. He paused the game, but finally turned it off. "Was the hospital that bad?" He winced.
Henry licked his dry lip and shook his head, no.
"Maybe..maybe if you talked about it..it would help." Leo stared at him as if he'd wait, or just start talking and he did. "Look," he leaned back against the foot of the bed as he sat in the floor. His legs were crossed, posing so calm. "I feel ..bad. So bad, that..that I didn't do anything...like..like you thought I would." He put down the controller. He'd forget the game. "I didn't tell my parents I was going to that party. I didn't tell them a lot of things. I just wanted to do something I wanted to do. Not wait and do something someone told me to do. Like, help out with a puppet show at church. I was just freaking tired, being told what to do, all the time. And I know, half the time, I do forget things. I am absent minded. I guess, according to my Mom." He paused then as if he knew he was rambling. He almost laughed. "What kind of old man, am I gonna be? If I can't get my shit together by now, you know?"
"Anyway..so I heard about that party. I was at some old record store. There was this handmade flyer about it. I got all excited. The Starfkrs being there." He started using his hands while he talked, getting more animated. "Were they even there? Hell no. I mean, maybe I didn't wait long enough." He blew a breath. "Honestly, I felt like I might have been going into the hole of nowhere. It was so god-damn dark. And then I saw you. The first thing I thought...were you going to tell someone .. tell them to get that freak out of there? I knew I didn't belong there. I know, sometimes, I don't care what people think of me. I-I just knew I had to get out of there..and..and seriously Henry, if..if I would have known you needed me...I would have helped you. I honestly... would."
He looked at Henry as if it were his turn now.
"What did they do to you?" Leo's question stung him. "I won't tell anybody. I just..I want to know."
Henry squinted hard. He didn't want to say. He hadn't told anyone. He did so well to avoid the questions. Sure they talked about his day in counseling. But he didn't talk about how it was with Al and the drugs. The places they went. What they did.
"Its not nice." He could barely get out.
"But don't they always tell you, you should tell someone. Especially, if they hurt you." Leo was serious.
"But I killed him." Henry gritted as he didn't want to face the reality of it. "I thought if .if I took those pills I wouldn't have to think about it." He could barely breathe now. "But I think about it, all time. All the time."