Monday, June 9, 2014

back where you started from

Back Where You Started From

Where had it all gone wrong?

Dean didn't know what to do now.

Yes, he was leaving. Just in a few days. And now this. With Vada.

He couldn't be alone with her now. As it was, all this graduation was pretty ridiculous. It was like Christmas being re-invented. People, he thought who would have forgotten about him, showed up at the Graduation. And there were gifts. He couldn't exactly use them.

Then the party. It was all so loud, he felt as if it were a big headache. He had to keep smiling when all along he could only think of Vada and of course, Josie.

Why had he ever broken up with Josie?

And that night after Prom, he'd only gone to see Vada to talk about Josie. It was all so sad, and then they kissed. It was like a code was broken and before he knew it, they were in the backseat of Ren's minivan as if no one would know, what had happened there.

And he was so happy about it. Then. Being with Vada. Knowing it had always been her all along. It somehow, felt like freedom.

Now, it was different. He didn't know what to say. How to act around her. After all, he was the virgin in all of this, even if he was older and should have never let it happen. But he did. And now, as much as it had been a sensation was now like an ugly word or something horrid, built up in the back of his head that he needed to dispose of quickly.

There was no room for her in his life. It was best to have a clean slate, going into the Army. But that changed. He wished he could run away with her. Do something even more stupid. He guessed. But no, he couldn't undo any of this he'd signed up for.

Just when he thought he might get some peace in his own room, Vada showed up.

It was as if they could just pick up where they left off. Vada wrapped her arms around him as if she didn't intend to let him go. But he unwound her from him and looked at her as sour as he could.

"It was a mistake." He couldn't speak too loud, but she knew. She looked back at him grim. Vada hugged herself in a dress that he knew wasn't one she owned when she lived here.

Really, she looked regal in the dark blue dress. As if she could do better, than him. She would do better than him. But tears swelled in  her eyes.

"I don't believe you." She shook her head, no.

"Well, you have too." He never smiled. " have so much ahead of you. I..I just can't.." He wanted to tell her he loved her. Yet it was best to say as little as possible.

"Can't what?" She winced with more tears.

"I can't just let you..wait for me. I couldn't. And..and it was wrong." He grimaced. But it hadn't felt that way. It was magic. Like magnet and steel. Yet now he felt cold and hollow.

Her face drew a frown. It was as if his guilt might be contagious, and still he moved closer, but she moved back.

"I'll miss you. You, really mean so much to me. And..and.." He couldn't say he'd write, because he'd really never written a letter before. There was no need too. He'd never really left anything behind until now. And he didn't cry until after she left.


cat eyes & skinny jeans said...

So heartbreaking...


ivy said...

Dean isn't perfect, but I think he knows the right thing to do. Still it hurts.

deb said...

What a bitter reality check for both of them.

Launna said...

Awe... this is sad... I can't believe he is going to hurt her more... I guess he has to.. it is the right thing to do... ?