Monday, October 19, 2015

I want to go out and see your day

what I want

"I dunno what I'm suppose to do." Ben knew Mae didn't want to talk about this. Not now. The first hurdle would be, bringing Caden home. "I just don't know how a sister could do that to you." She wouldn't answer him. Perhaps they were done. Ben hoped not.

 He winced hard, not sure where to go or what to do while waiting for Mae to get back to the hotel with Caden.

"It'll just take some time, that's all." Taylor was all calm.

Ben tried to be. Maybe he looked the part, but he definitely didn't feel it.

"I just hope..I hope he's OK." He was certain he might cry. His nostrils burned from emotion or maybe it was a cold. . Funny how the pain of all this hit him in strange places. "Its just..I'm not gonna tell my mom about any of this..until.."

"Until what?"

"Until I know for sure..if..if you know..he's really..actually..mine." Each word that surfaced was more raw than the other.

"What do you mean, are you going to get a DNA test, right away?" Taylor looked at him, as if he would back him up. Like he'd google it and they could go together like a blood drive.

"Actually..I just think I'll know..when..when I see him." Ben felt a certainty of it, even if he felt empty every-time he said to anyone, "I have a son." It just didn't seem real.

"I mean..maybe..maybe..he doesn't need to get to know me." He blinked tears then. "I never got to know my father."

He was beginning to think he might be coming down with an acute heartattack, except in slow motion. "I mean I didn't know him from before. It was never one of those things my Mom would talk about. I'd asked her recently about him. And she said he was around. Just around." He sighed as he reached to push a tear away with the back of his hand. "And..and I seen this old man, who walks on our street. He's big like an ogre of some kind. Sort of hunched back. And I thought, what if he's my Dad? That's why she doesn't want to tell me. Who'd want a father like that? " He pressed his lips tight. "Well, I got up the nerve to follow him one day. He went to the grocery store like he usually did ..and then he started talking to me in the grocery store. I don't guess he can lift his head up, right..or something. But he was really nice. And we walked back to our neighborhood together. He told me all about his heart troubles. How he had to walk everyday. Then I started wishing he was my Dad." He sniffed at his stuffy wet nose. "Maybe..maybe one day, Caden will wish I was his." He thought of Caden, wondering if Mae would ever tell Caden the truth.


cat eyes & skinny jeans said...

Ben is breaking my heart right now. :(


Launna said...

I think Ben should find out for sure and if he is, I think he needs to be a part of Caden's life...