That's me in the corner

 When Jools got the text about Evan, he was still at work. It didn't really sink in until after he got home about what had really happened.

All he could think of was the vastness of nothingness. It was as if he would never be able to see Evan again. Of course, it was like swimming up a river of emotions and being dragged under, just thinking of the last moment he'd seen his significant other. Evan was so dismal as if he couldn't even try to actually look Jools in the face.

It hurt, but he hoped against hope that Evan would change it all around and see he was quite normal after all. It was all so normal. It could be. It would be, but now it was gone. Jools tried to understand, but the thought of not seeing Evan made it impossible. Why? Why couldn't have Evan called him? Just to let him know he was sick. But then maybe it had happened so suddenly. He hated to think about it, but he couldn't stop himself.

Jools wanted a proper goodbye. He wanted it to work out. He'd been patience. He knew Evan needed to work this out.  The mental illness part. The part where it was only an illusion of some kind. Jools kept positive that it would all pass and maybe after the epidemic Evan would come back and they would be together. 

But that was just a dream. And he bled with emotion. He felt so obscure. How was he ever going to get through this? A certain horror shook through him that the past was only a vague memory. Could he even remember the texture of Evan's fair skin or his pale eyes? Did it even matter? 

There were waves of emotion that shed and peaked and like a vivid storm of once was ...was now no more. It was all so final. And Jools was there for none of it.

Did Evan even remember him? Just one more thing to sink into tears. His throat was parched and his nose stuffy. "Maybe I have COVID, too." Jools mulled over his thoughts. This feeling of under the weather was making him tired and listless. How would he ever face the world? Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe it was all his fault.

If only he'd known how to help Evan, but Evan wanted to left alone. And then COVID. How had that happened? How was he living? All he knew was that Evan moved back to Pennsylvania. 

And then Mick was there, and it felt as if he might lose him too. It was an awful feeling as if he might be on thin ice and could drown at any time. Yet life did as it pleased. No one was sure of anything.