Don't let yourself go

 Jools wanted Evan's memorial to be enough. After all, a lot was put into the afternoon. It was in the Library's large meeting room and afterward there was a tree planted out on the Library lawn in Evan's name. 

People came who knew him and said so many good things about Evan. From school teachers who had worked with him to patrons who remembered him as a shelver at the library. Steve and Victoria came as well as his friend Will and his family. Actually, he was surprised to meet so many who knew Evan. Yet, in his heart, even Jools doubted if he really knew the real Evan, after all.

"I know it's supposed to make me feel better," he said later to Mick when they had takeout at home. It was good to be out of the suit and yet he felt he had not done enough. He felt practically listless, standing there for so long. Although, everyone was masked up. No handshaking. And Mick had stood beside him the whole time. He'd taken a day off work and Jools had never seen Mick so quiet.

"If..if.."

"If what?" Mick wanted to know.

"If I had his ashes." It sounded so morbid when he said it. He wasn't certain what he would even do with them, but at least he would know. Perhaps a closure he needed, but this was it. A remembrance. Of course, no one chose to talk about how Evan died. Jools didn't even want to say it. And now he felt a little mental himself thinking what to do.

"Where are they?" Mick asked as he was playing around with the mac and cheese he got with the chicken tenders.

"We'd have to go to Pennsylvania." Jools looked at him blankly.

"Pennsylvania?" The way Mick said it, it might as well have been Transylvania. "Do you want to go there?"

Jools shook his head, no. He knew it would be another dead end. Evan's great uncle supposedly had them, but even Jools didn't know for sure.