old scars

After dinner, Kyle and her dad made a fire in the fire pit, that was her Mom's Mother's day present only she wasn't around then to see it.

Her mom got out stuff for s'mores, but Ellie wasn't really in the mood for them. She watched instead as they roasted marshmellows. Kyle made her one, nudging her slightly that she had to take it.

She could barely taste it. Kyle kept looking at her, but she kept looking away.

"Doesn't Henry need a walk?" Kyle finally spoke up after the fire died down.

Ellie's father said that would be helpful if the dog was walked.

"Come on, lets go to it," Kyle nudged Ellie again although, she really didn't want to go. "Your dog needs you."

She rolled her eyes to that. It was dark. No one could see the look on her face as she followed him to get Henry who was already chained in the back yard. They walked for a block or so in silence.

"I know what you did." He said softly.

"How do you know? Why do have to know!" She wanted to scream but she whispered instead. "Are you psychic!"

"I am not the bad guy here." He shook his head, no. "You don't know how much I hate someone's guts right now. But I couldn't have stopped you if I had tried." His voice was bitter, but he was keeping it low and letting Henry go on his merry way.

"You weren't there." Her brow tensed and she frowned.

"Evidently not."

"No. Nowhere at school. I waited for you." She was in tears now. "I thought you were with her."

"Kelsey?"

"No, a stripper named Kat!" She wanted to tear him apart. "Of course, Kelsey!"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because, I don't know, maybe you're not over her." They were at the park now. Alone.

"And then this happens?" He went along with Henry to investigate a tree so Henry could pee on it. "I just thought you'd be better than this. Deep down, it always bothered me a little. Even."

"What are you talking about?" Ellie asked.

He sat down on the merry-go-around then. She sat down a few bars away and put her her arms around the bars as she might be ready for lift off if something science fiction happened, but this wasn't a dream or a movie.

"You, the sex police." He then said. "Remember last summer how you kept watching everyone at that wonderful sleepover. 'keep your clothes on'. I kept thinking, yeah, she'll probably have to be completely drunk her first week of college before she ever gets laid."

"You thought that?"

"Then," Kyle said. "I don't know." He shook his head, no. He sighed. He was quiet then for a while. Ellie was sure he'd shut her out completely. This was Kyle telling her off. This was Kyle fading away. This was how it should be. This was a burning bridge they needed to run away from. Except it was dark and complete silence.

"You know the first time is not as great as you thought it would be." He told her. Again, he said nothing for the longest time as if he might be reliving his own first time."Thats why I didn't want to be your first." He paused. "Also, I'd like to be taller than you when it happens."

She felt numb, and yet his words hurt to hear. She wasn't sure if he wanted to torture her with his own past or if this was just his way of a comforting thought.

"I don't want to talk about it." She didn't. How could she explain, that she didn't really feel like her true self through any of this with Rex. It felt so long ago that it had happened when in fact it had only been a couple of hours ago.

"All right." He was looking at the stars or something, but she couldn't help but want to look at him in the dark. "Just tell me, did he use a condom."

She didn't say anything.

"Well?" his voice made her flinch.

"Yes."

"Was it your idea?" His words stung her.

"I guess so." She let out a sigh. How could she explain it.

"You're sure?"

"I said I didn't want to talk about it." She was becoming cross with his questions. Couldn't he just let it go?

"Fair enough." He took a breath, pulled Henry back and rubbed Henry's head and ears. "It was a while ago. I guess. I was twelve and uh.... kind of went crazy with my babysitter."

"Don't tell me she was old, like grandmother old." Ellie shivered still hugging the bars on the merry-go-around.

"She use to date my brother. They'd broken up, and she was a mess. Just a mess. And I thought, I was going to save the day. And it happened." Ellie was pretty sure she'd heard enough. She closed her eyes, but he wasn't finished. "Again, and again. And a couple of more times after that. I guess she's over my brother now."

"I hope she's over you," Ellie said. "I hope she's not a teacher now."

"I think she ended up with some guy in the Army," Kyle said. He got up then and strolled toward the swings with Henry. He then looked back at her. "I'm just saying it can get some getting use to. I'm not judging you."

She nodded.

"I don't know what it was, but the moment I saw him, I knew you would. I just did. I wanted to be wrong." She could see his sadness in his face in the golden streetlight. "I so wanted to be wrong. And then I had a while to get use to it. Sort of. I kept telling myself. If it happens, you gotta be there for her. You can't just walk away. Cause certainly, nobody was there for me when it happened."

He took a breath then, and walked back toward Ellie. "It was like this huge secret eating away at me. And I kept telling myself, I don't want this. This is not the way its suppose to be. I'd be so mad at myself." He stopped talking for a moment, and Ellie started wondering if thats when the scars started on his arms. Maybe it wasn't just the cat. "I kept thinking, hoping, my brother would beat me up. But he never did. He never figured it out." Kyle stared at Ellie.

Finally, she gave in, got up and hugged him. She didn't want to let go. She couldn't let go of Kyle, just yet.