twilight

Rex bought Ellie a vanilla coke at the Dairy Queen. It was almost twilight now and the coolness of spring was still in the air. As they sat on the gate of his pickup truck, she nursed on the drink, thinking she still had the air knocked out of her.

This Nick thing couldn't be true. It couldn't be. Ellie didn't want it to be true. But there was more than just that on her mind.

"You have to stop beating yourself up about this stuff with my sister," she then said. "You were fourteen." She caught herself from saying anything more. She thought of Kyle. "That was too young to have a kid." But she felt bitter, thinking that her Mom had gone along with an abortion for her sister. This was stuff no one ever told her. Now she had to act as if she didn't know.

She drank in the coke. It was a comfort at least.

"But she hates me," Rex said.

Ellie shook her head, no. She was pretty sure her sister just hated herself and everyone else. But this had nothing to do with rape, it was the thought of some other life that could have been, a ghost from Rex's past that he shared with Lisa.

"Maybe she's just not mother material." Ellie sighed, but here she was again. Different guy. Same situation. Evidently. A cold shiver ran down Ellie. "It'll be all right." But she didn't believe that. Not when her eyes were wet, maybe even red. "You'll see. This Nick thing will blow over. You'll be getting ready for college. You got a lot going." She tried to be hopeful.

"I don't know." He was scratching the side of his forehead. "I just don't know anymore. I think how it could have been, and what I lost. And I can't help but think about it."

"Well, now I know," Ellie said. "So you told someone. You have to feel a little better, don't you? I don't hate you. You'll be OK. And someday, you're going meet someone who you'll want to be with, and by then you'll forgive yourself, and..." What sort of pep talk was this. It wasn't going anywhere. She was terrible at this stuff. "And you'll see, it'll get better." She took a deep breath.

"You're the only one I've ever told," he then said.

She sucked ice then. She really wish there was more to this Coke. Like real ice cream.

"I see." She looked away. "Well, feel better." She squinted then thinking that was an awful thing to say.

"I do." He nodded. He looked at her then. She stared back. He put his arm around her shoulder, leaned in and kissed her forehead. She didn't move for the longest time. Finally, Ellie smiled slightly.