the next chapter in my life

Dear Diary:

I know you are thinking I've abandoned you for only one thing. Everyone else seems to believe that. Including my mother.

Sex.

OK, does she do this with only me or what? Or is it because she believes if she'd done differently with my sister she wouldn't have to be taking care of her 24/7?

Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

We didn't talk about Ben because he doesn't want her to know. Yeah, isn't that grand. Of course, we had a lot to talk about. Rex. Sex and Rex while shopping.

OK, so the sex talk stuff was mainly in the car in a traffic jam on the freeway. Why on earth we had to go to the shopping mall where some suicidal teenager shot some people last December is beyond me, but she decided we should go there. "I haven't been there since the shooting." Not the best omen.

So she knows the whole Rex thing which just made me furious. And now she's treating me like I'm only six instead of sixteen. Naturally, there was that gripe that my Dad has no control over me what so ever. And I'm totally uncontrollable, being with Eric.

I thought we were both going to bust a blood vessel with our angry words. Maybe it was a cleansing of sorts. Told her I was on the pill. She almost had a heart attack. Naturally, she thinks Eric is the worst boyfriend ever because he went with me for the event. And I kept defending him. I had too. She is so wrong about him.

But she doesn't know we had sex like right before I met up with her. Thank God. I told her we were waiting. We are. We will. I think. I guess. Next time, anyway. You know, get those 3 crucial months of being on the pill out of the way before actually doing anything. I told her maybe a year. OK, that was a lie, but at least she didn't yell, anymore. And he has been using a condom so its not like we're not being careful.

And yes, its not easy figuring out the lust from the love, sometimes. But I do love him and want to be with him.

Hopefully, that wasn't my birthday present from him. Being in his room in his bed. He's so not that. He wouldn't be that way, would he? Hopefully, he's not expecting something like that, you know, every-time I come over. But what if he is?

OK, maybe she has a point and yeah, I so want him as a my boyfriend, too. Its complicated. But there is always shopping.

I did find some really adorable maroon plaid Bermuda shorts on clearance. I got that and a white polo to wear to the school when I pick up my class schedule. The pants are so comfy. I love them. My shirt, not so much. That was her idea. Although, I guess I will freak a few people out when I show up with black hair, but oh well.

Then I got a Breaking Benjamin and Less than Jake T at Hot Topic. I'm really trying to stick with what I've got. I'm sure Eric and I will go thrift shopping before school starts.

Anyway, I think our screaming match is over. At least for awhile. I didn't say I was sorry. She didn't say she was sorry. We are so going to have to work at this. Being nice to each other. But I'm not cutting my hair and she hasn't made me an appointment for my hair, either.

And, it still feels very strange being at Kyle's house. Dad keeps saying its our house. I don't understand this man. Is he crazy? He seriously wants to marry Kyle's Mom. Already. Is that even possible? I don't think it would happen for a while, though. Maybe its something like getting my driver's license. It'll take six months.

I'm going for my driver's permit tomorrow. Yeah, one more thing I have to tackle.

Later,

L