from Eric's notbook

OK

I get this feeling....

a. ellie knows I might not be the nicest guy in the world.

b. she thinks I have a problem.

Neither of us can decide what it is. Only it isn't funny.

We had this round and round talk in the dark other night out at the park. God, I could think of so many other things we could have been doing. But, no......She's trying to figure me out.

Am I that complicated?

Ellie: What is your problem?

Me: I don't have a problem. What is your problem?

OK, like that kind of talk gets you anywhere.

So I told her I didn't like my friends. I don't really like her friends, either which i guess we share. I think. Maybe. I don't know.

Its just easier for her. She just starts talking and everything turns out amazing.

Me, well, I'm not like that. I can't help it. I'm really shy. Even if she doesn't think so. Basically, I am because I do everything wrong.

You know what kind of note my Mom got from my preschool teacher? I'm socially unacceptable. How can you decide something like that at, four or five or what ever? Something about social disfunctional..I don't remember. It had something to do with her quitting her job to take care of me so therefore I never went to a daycare. And evidently, my sister was no help at all. She was always mean to me.

So yeah, I invaded peoples spaces. I was a follower when I shouldn't have followed. Like the time I hit a first grader when I was a third grade - back when we had our little gang, and we liked to beat each other up. I wanted to cry the first time I got hit, but I knew I couldn't. Granted, I was not the bully. I just wanted to keep a step ahead of the bully.

And now. Now.

Everything is so evolving. I hate this feeling of loss. I don't want to be depressed. But I'm a senior and things have to change. And I have to do something. Something. I can't live off working at Homer's forever, even though I know a few dudes who do, and they all live together in a rundown apartment and play video games when they aren't at work, around the clock. That could be me.

And yes, maybe I am making a big deal out of it. But I know I have to figure this out before its too late. I don't want to go to college just to go to college. I have to make the right decisions. Do I stay here? Do I go? Do I even have a future with Ellie?

I don't want to bring her down anymore than I already have.