you could be happy

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
-snow patrol


Amanda remembered clearly now what her mother had told her. It was a few weeks ago. Perhaps. She couldn't remember the time. Exactly. But in the stillness she knew. Her words came to her so clearly and yet final.

"You must be happy. You have to be for the baby."

She caught a breath as she laid there in the stillness of her bed in her room. The lights turned off. She really didn't care what time of day it was. She couldn't help it. She was crying again.

Her mother told her how Dan had cried so much the first month.

"It was my fault," she said. "I thought your father was going to leave me."

More tears came as she imagine her father making her mother feel so bad during that time. He was a distant man. He even lived away from them, as it was. And nothing had really changed. Dan lived with Dylan in the basement. Derrick was practicing on his guitar. Still. Except there was a crack in his voice. It was changing. So many things were changing. Amanda didn't want to think about it.

Now she wished he had left. Her mother might be here right now. Maybe. Of course, Amanda couldn't be sure of her own existence then if that had happened. She would be someone else. Somewhere else. Not right here at this moment grieving as if she'd melted into a puddle.

She'd read somewhere where stress always makes everything worse. And she was stressed. So stressed. Amanda felt so doomed. So not here. The way she was suppose to be.

It was just a blur now. Everything. What was. What had been. And even now she could feel her mother in the room with her. Soothing her, telling her she had to be happy. She had to be happy now for the baby.

Amanda promised she would do her best. She promised never to forget her mother, either.