anything but

Eric didn't know who to call next. His mum. The doctor's office.

"You just need to call Kip. Tell him. Tell him you're fine. That everything is fine." Eric knew if he were him he'd be a wreck. "We should have just faced him, right then, you know. And I know its my fault." He had been selfish. All he could think of, was having her with him. Then. No wonder people didn't like him better. He imagined now.

But Syd would say she was going to, and then she didn't.

He got on his cell with the nurse at the doctor's office to tell her Syd needed to clarify a few things with her. He left it to Syd to do. Syd wasn't too happy with him. They'd walked around circles for what seemed  hours. It hadn't turned into a screaming match yet. Still, he found himself in the end asking. "You are being completely honest with me? Are you?"

"What would I lie to you about?" She didn't like these questions.

"Ellie was my first real relationship." There. He thought she should know. Honest. Honesty. "I really loved her too, but it wasn't enough. OK. There was Elliot. Sort of my arch nemesis. I suppose."

"Why are you telling me this?" Syd looked at him, a bit frustrated.

"Because." He needed air. This place was getting so small. "You need to know me." He grabbed his coat before he stayed another minute and said something he regretted.

"Where are you going?" She looked frantic.

"Going for a walk. I need to clear my mind." He winced. He knew things would never be perfect. It was not a perfect world.

"Well, I want to come too." She was just in his old sweater and gray leggings with his heavy boots.

"Fine." He didn't wait for her though. He walked down the street. It was more clear now. But so cold. Awful cold. The wind hit him like a god of vengeance. It was like a reality check coming to him. This would be it. This would be what he had to work with. And if he made it to September with her, well, it couldn't come soon enough. It wasn't that he didn't love her. He did. It was just all the shit that went with it. Why couldn't it just be a nice daydream floating through his brain. Ice cream for breakfast. Marathons of Arrested Development and watching her tummy grow. No. It was cold. The past creeping in. He felt his chest fill up with ice as he coughed.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Syd was behind him. He should have been running, but he wasn't. He finally turned to look at her.

"Me? You, you won't call him! You're probably in love with him, or something. You, you probably even slept with this Kip, didn't you?" He kept his frown small, wishing he hadn't accused her of anything. But then again, he might have been talking about himself and what he might have done if he were her. Hell, she didn't even have to be in love with him to have sex with him. He'd been intoxicated with her all along. That hadn't exactly been love, either.

"I've never loved Kip. I haven't. I don't love him. I never will. God, and to think  YOU THINK I'd sleep with him! I don't do things like that!" She winced. Hurt, he could see. She turned then as if she didn't need this. Damn, if she didn't slip. But he caught her, and kept her from falling only to see a dead mouse along the pavement, its belly bare and squashed.

Eric shuttered. He knew Syd saw it too. It was silent then. The wind went right through them.

"Come on, lets go inside." He kept his arm around her. He wished he knew what he was doing. He didn't know anymore, than she did, about anything. He supposed. "You'll feel better once you call Kip. I will too." At least that would be over. They could move on. Hopefully, winter would be over. Soon. Then would come spring, and summer. Eric wanted to look forward to the fall. Anything but this horrid winter.