more than a shiver

How could it have gotten so bad?

Amanda was in a melt down. She thought things were better. The holidays had brought the best out in Elliot? Hadn't it? He was all so jolly around his parents and other long distance relatives. There was not a problem. He seemed happy to have winter break. It was going to be great.

Well, that was the Elliot that he wanted everyone to know. Mr. NOT A PROBLEM aka cool Elliot.

She knew it wasn't exactly like that. Maybe that's why she wanted Rosie to stay with Kyle. And she wanted Derrick to be at Dan's. Yet again, she liked hiding behind them too. Maybe, they were the ones who could keep Elliot in line. She couldn't.

Not that he'd hit her. But he could. He might. She knew he'd been drinking, and he'd get so defensive when she'd ask him about it. He'd give her a raw "SHUT UP." Or something even more profound in his bitter profanity that she didn't want to believe or hear. It was best to leave him alone. Even so, when she went to bed, she'd cry herself asleep, knowing this was all her fault. She should have left him alone, long ago. Why hadn't she? Why? It was all her fault. She knew. Why he was like this? Naturally, he had to throw it in her face about Evan. That should have been his baby, not Eric's.

It might have been a tainted excuse. She wondered. She was pretty sure things weren't that great at school. He was not the Elliot she remembered over the summer when they first met. And now, he was gone.

She'd woke close to morning. Got dressed. Pretty sure he'd left already, but he came in through the back door, drunk. He'd spent all night in the garage drinking. He was disgustingly drunk. Not in a good mood. And to think she thought he was a lovable drunk. That one time. She cringed then, thinking he'd been sexy then. What was she thinking? He could barely stand on his own. And he was mad. At her. And Asa.

"I can't possibly look at you!" But he looked at her. He tried to hit her, but he missed her. Instead, the wine glasses in the drain by the sink came crashing to the floor.

He winced all sad. Tears maybe.

"I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say.

"Sorry, my ass, you ask for it, everytime! Don't you!" He squinted hard stumbling away, but she caught him before he fell.

"Lets just get you bed. You..you need some sleep." She could get a handle on this, somehow.

"What, so I can be your amusement!" He was not easy. Amanda held on to his arm, but he pushed his elbow in her chest, jerking himself away. He was going for the front door.

"Where are you going?" She called after him.

"Away from you! I don't ever want to look at you!" He was gruff.

"Elliot!" She called after him. But he was headed for the car. He couldn't possible go out in this cold spell. It was awful out. Snow. Ice. Perhaps, the car door was frozen shut. It wasn't. Glazed windshield. Did he think he could drive in this? Well, he was. Even if he backed into the neighbor's car.

"Sweet Jesus." Amanda shook her head. What was she to do? All she could hear was the intense heart beat echoing through her body. She couldn't think fast enough. She saw Derrick then. "I gotta go after him. Call 911, will you?" She just said as if she might be a robot of some kind. She had to find her boots. She got into her snow boots and went after him. She was just in her long sleeve thermal shirt and flannel PJ bottoms. She took a gift card that Eric had given her to Border and started to scrap at the ice. Naturally, the gift card broke in to. She cut her finger. It started to bleed. But she kept going. Teeth gnashed as she persisted in the bitter cold. Finally she got in, to warm the car. This was not the quickest process. But she went as fast as she could. Not sure where he might go. She headed out hoping someone found him before it was too late. But it was a slipper ride as she peeled out into the street. Fishtailing the old car, right to left. For a moment she thought she might be spinning, herself, in that tank, of a car. She could only hope if Elliot crashed, it would be in to a street light and no one would get hurt.