not tonight

Ian went to the dance with Josie because he knew Derrick wasn't going to. But he felt a little empty inside about having to be the one there for her, too. He was beginning to think it wasn't his place.

"I'm really sorry, Derrick's being the butt-head." Ian apologized at the Winter ball at school. He wanted to tell her Derrick was quite the selfish prick, but he guessed that would have been saying too much. Josie really looked sweet in her white dress. She'd made it herself. He just wished he could reciprocate the feelings he could tell she was waiting for, but he couldn't. Derrick was on his mind. He always found himself talking about him even when he didn't mean too.

"Its all right not to mention  his name again." She assured him.

"I know, but..but he's the one you've been waiting for." Ian felt certain. Really, he felt a bit silly being here in the hot gym when they had to crawl out of their parkas before they could make an entrance. Her corsage had been smushed. It felt about as spectacular as he did.

"No it isn't. Not exactly." She looked at him as if he was just as good, maybe better.

Ian plastered a smile on, but it was all ridiculous. He didn't know if he were ready to be the boyfriend, waiting for the endless calls, the nonstop texting and always willing to spend extra on whatever came up.

Well. He could see it in her sad eyes. She was waiting for him to bend down for a kiss. He thought of how it might be if Derrick were here and Derrick were kissing her, there on the strobe lit dance floor. When suddenly it hit him. It wasn't Derrick kissing Josie. It was Derrick kissing him. Ian's eyes lit. How could he think it? Right here. Right now with Josie waiting for something blissful to happen.

"I think I need some air." Ian backed away. He really needed to get his senses straighten out. "Just, give me, a few minutes." He couldn't get out of there fast enough. He made it to the parking lot. The air froze his breath, piercing toward his throat. He looked around wondering what to do. He'd gone from a sweat to a shiver. But still he felt a hot ugliness inside him. He'd really let Josie down. He'd only wanted to do the right thing. Why was he like that? Everything out of obligation. Or it seemed so pressured, as of late. Even with Amy.

He looked up to see who was sitting on the hood of his car in his black coat and warm hunter's cap with the wool floppy ears. Derrick.

"I told you, you should just leave things alone." Derrick wasn't happy.

"Well, someone should have a nice holiday." Ian shrugged. He leaned against the hood of the car.

"I don't want you to be with anyone, but me." He finally confessed. Derrick stared at Ian under the street light.

"You just want me to be as pessimistic, as you are?" Ian swelled a frown, hugging himself to keep what warmth he could.

"God, you know what it is, don't you?" Derrick huddled closer.

"Not that I was dying to know, really." Ian was getting colder. His warm winter things were still in the building. Derrick gave him a clumsy kiss on the side of his lip. Ian was sure he'd push him away, but he didn't. He was still as he looked Derrick over.

"I wish you wouldn't fuck with me, this way." Ian kept staring at him.

"But I'm not." Derrick winced. "I want the thought to go away, but its not. It hasn't."

Ian looked out across the parking lot. All was still, even a calm wind. A snowflake softly came and Derrick opened his warm coat. He could feel his warmth come around him. Ian closed his eyes. Finally, everything felt amazing that was inviting him in. No more questions were asked.