Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A solid soul and the blood I bleed
With a little girl and by my spouse
I only want a proper house (my girls)
"What does this mean? Exactly?" Asa really didn't want to ask the question, but it seemed real, suddenly, that maybe Amanda didn't want to see the baby. The house felt so cold now. Just the two of them in it. But the sun shone brightly through the bedroom curtains. He'd just gotten home from the library and found Amanda in the bedroom doorway.
"Don't be mad at me." She wailed suddenly as if she was the only one left on the boat, and he had to catch her. She was in her pajamas and hadn't dressed the last couple of days.
"I'm not. Its just, you want Pearl to be with Elliot?" Asa winced. This was the baby's home. She was in a routine, he thought. It wasn't like she was the colic sort. She was a very good baby. "Its just I thought..." He shook his head. Asa wasn't sure he could even look at her.
"I'm afraid. OK." She hugged herself tight. "I-I don't want to hurt her." She squinted with more tears then. "I'm-I'm scared. Like..I'll drop her. Like, maybe I want to. I just, can't trust myself. I can't."
"OK." Asa tried to not lose it. He just didn't know if he could handle this. Exactly. "Derrick's really good with her. And..and I..try.." He did the best he could. But the summer reading program was in full throttle and sometimes, he stayed at the library every night.
"I know you do. You're both, great." She sighed. "But-" She licked her dry lips. "I start thinking how-how I got roped into this job, I don't even want. Everybody, loved me at the high school. I don't know why I didn't get it." She choked on tears.
Asa gave her a hug. He held her close. Nothing was like he thought it would be. The days were rough, but all he knew was to stay calm and hope they got through this.