the art of knowing

Xander felt a little lost, lately. Perhaps the only thing guiding him through it all... was Ducky.

At least that was stable. Ducky hadn't moved in, or anything, but they saw each other plenty. Ducky was over a lot.

Still, there was this on going sense of dread that haunted him. Schizophrenia.

Ever since his father mentioned his own father having it, it felt as if a weight of a slow death had caught Xander by the throat. Maybe, that was what was wrong with him.

"How can you say that?" Ducky looked at him one night, as if Xander was just trying to come down with an illness. "You're fine." Of course, Ducky was cutting onion then and looked as if he was in his own personal drama.

Xander only sighed, feeling Ducky wouldn't know. He was a doctor who helped the physical, not the mental.

"Well.." Xander closed his eyes in thought. Not sure he should bring it up, but what if he was crazy. Naturally, Joey came to mind.

Xander still hadn't met Chelsea, yet. And what if there was no Becca, either?

But Xander was seriously concerned about  himself and what he used to see. When he was all alone.

"I had this friend..who I dunno..I just didn't know..how suicidal she was..and then one day, she jumped off a bridge." Xander said it as if it would be the one thing Ducky couldn't handle about him. His past. "And ..and then..later, after she died..I kept seeing her, all the time... and..and she talked to me, too."

Xander hugged himself, thinking Ducky must really think he was crazy now. Deep down, Xander had to wonder if he'd said all this because he really didn't want to talk about what he did for a living. As it was, Ducky never asked.

"Did you go to her funeral?" Ducky asked so matter of fact as he tossed the onions on the cooking stir-fry.

Xander shook his head, no. He told him, he was getting ready to go to America then.

"You, just felt guilty." Ducky told him.

Xander swelled a frown. Actually, he felt bitter about things he could not change. Especially, about helping his friend. There were so many times, he had to wonder why he came here, at all. But he knew he would have felt bad, if he'd stayed.

"You, need to get some answers from your dad. You, need to know about your Mom, too." Ducky worked with the skillet of food like he might be more of a gourmet chef than a doctor, at the moment.

Xander knew this was true. He nodded.

Ducky went to check on the rice. Soon, there was a stir-fry of vegetable, rice and soup, waiting for them. They sat down to eat.

"Oh, by the way, my Mom keeps telling me, she only wants this Xander to give her a manicure." Ducky tilted his head with a smile.

Xander opened his eyes wide. "What?" Xander didn't wince.

Ducky slid Xander's business card from his back pocket.

"Evidently, she is your number one fan." Ducky sighed and started to eat.

Xander just looked at the card, not sure what to say.