when things change inside you

 

Why hadn't Ivy figured this out? She knew in her poly-anna mind she'd hoped for the best with Jay and now this. Naturally, her mother would have been keeping up with him. And yet no one knew exactly where he was.

She thought she might be sick.

"What's wrong?" Dan asked as if maybe they needed to rush to the emergency.

"It's nothing," she said, but it felt as if an avalanche had hit her. She didn't see this coming. Why was Jay like this? Leaving as if he didn't need to really be a part of anything. Especially, her life with their baby girl. Yes, it was a girl. She kept telling herself she didn't want to know, but she did. 

It was the most miserable time of the year. Ivy didn't know what to do. Just sit and le the world go by?

"Jay's out of prison," she finally fessed up. "And nobody seems to know where he is."

Dan only nodded as if he'd expected as much. After all, wasn't Jay a criminal?

She'd thought of the good in him for so long she thought she believed it, but she guessed not. He was just as bad as Janine and the rest said that he was. 

Ivy wanted to blame it on how he was raised and where he came from. She truly didn't believe he was bad until now. Especially, when she thought all along it would be her to save him.

"How..how could he do this to me," she was in anguish. Still, she didn't want to worry her baby. She could feel her kick. What would she tell her daughter someday about her useless father? She'd held on hope until now.

She felt miserably blue. An idiot, she guessed. How could she have loved someone like him? Why had she wanted to think he was good for her, after all, she'd been through? She was mad at herself, maybe more than Jay.

What was he doing right now? Where was he? It was a mystery she wasn't even sure was worth finding.