Oh, Simon

 Simon wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to his brother Xander. It was brutal, thinking Steve was gone.

He felt so empty. Just when he thought things were fine. And life was good. It had to be good, or at least he thought. 

Now he felt blind-sighted. No way did he see it coming. Steve up and leaving. How could he? He looked at his brother ever so painful.

"I want you to come home. Maybe you need a break," Xander made it sound as if it were the weather, maybe the pandemic or too many classes. "You can stay with us."

Simon winced hard, sitting on his own couch that felt so vacant without Steve. 

"But, but I'm fine." Didn't they see he wasn't hurting anyone. So what if he had a few drinks. He nursed his bottom lip wondering how he could get Steve back. He was only across the hall. 

"But you're not." Xander looked at him blankly and even lipped. "You need AA, you need to stop this before it's just a rut you can't possibly get out of. You're stronger than this. I know this."

Simon shook his head no. As if this was not true. Xander didn't know him at all. Didn't he know how hard it was to make friends? To look the part. He closed his eyes, remembering how devasted everyone was when he had an eating disorder and got too thin. This was not like that. Or so he needed to tell himself.

"I just want you to be Simon," Xander almost smiled. "You were the one who made me feel welcomed." He reminded him how strange he was to his family after all this time. And to finally meet a brother who embraced him the most.

There were tears in his brother's eyes. He sat next to his brother. "If it hadn't been for you, I would have been long gone by now. But I wanted to know my brother. It was too late to ever really know my dad who never wanted me anyway. But you. You were the family I needed. And I still need you."

He put his arm around Simon. Finally, Simon gave in. He did feel lost. An ocean of grief washed over him.