I'm looking at my future

 Jay didn't want to talk to Ivy face to face and yet he wanted to see the baby. He hadn't seen her in weeks and knew he was missing out on a lot.

"We'll work this out," he told her over the phone. "Whatever you want, as long as you let me see Hope." His voice cracked and he wasn't sure he could even listen to her go on for another minute about how awful he was. It seemed to be an old song to him, and he knew she was right. He guessed he was his worst enemy.

"But nothing happened," Jay said through bitter tears. "I just knew it. I knew all along you deserved better." He guessed that was Dan. Still, she kept harping on how he did things. He hadn't been on the up and up with her. Why couldn't he be honest?

He couldn't explain. His life had always been on the lower end. He knew he'd never be able to work hard enough the right way. True, he'd taken some shortcuts. It was always easy for him to find the wrong crowd. Yes, he'd wanted a real family too, but sometimes he didn't know if he were capable of that sort of thing. Yet now he did have a daughter, and the love he had for her was precious. He'd never discovered anything like it.

Yet, it was a lonely place to be in. It felt as if he had his mother yelling at him instead of Ivy. He guessed he knew it would turn out this way in the end.

Finally, he told her he was living with Slater. "If you don't want me to be alone with Hope, I understand."

He'd already ordered a crib and bedding. His own bed was from the thrift store. At least, there was still the warehouse job and he could keep Hope on the weekends if Ivy would let him.

"So what's going on?" Slater wanted to know when Jay got off the phone. 

"I don't know if she was listening to me," Jay told him that Ivy was telling him all the things he already knew. She couldn't trust him. Still. "I asked about Hope, but she didn't say anything." He said he wanted to help raise her. He was willing to do whatever she wanted, but they hadn't really decided.

"You better get a lawyer," Slater knew a good one on the Reservation. 

"Just what I need, spend more money," Jay shook his head.

"He wouldn't charge you," Slater assured him. Jay sighed, thinking he didn't want to be judged all over again, but wasn't there always a paper trail to follow during these necessary steps. 

"Sometimes, I wished I hadn't come back," Jay shrugged. All this was the reason.

"It'll get better," Slater gave him a smile. "You'll see."

"Will it?" He squinted in anger.

"Well, it might seem like a long road," Slater said he'd had some problems a few years back. "Even if she forgives you, it still might not be anything that you think it'll be." He sounded as if he'd experienced it. 

"Nobody is perfect, including me." Slater didn't say anything more. Jay hadn't a clue what he was talking about. He started putting the crib together. 

"We'll invite them over next weekend," Slater sounded as if they would forge on. It was all they could do.