Boy with a broken soul, heart with a gaping hole

 The first time she watched the video she laughed. It was so cute. In fact, she found her son irresistible. She watched it two more times before she wept. And then Tammy cried every time she saw it. How could she have done this to him? Why had she done this to Boone?

Yes, she'd listened to his calls. Talking about himself. How he wanted to meet her. But she couldn't do it. She just couldn't. It was done so long ago. It was for the best. It wasn't that she meant to be an awful person. But it just hadn't worked out with his father..and..and she wanted him to have a better life. 

God knows, how she was with Alfie. It was hard even then. Yes, she was mad, she was angry. Why couldn't she make lemonade out of the lemons that life gave her? She tried her best. It was all she could do to survive back then. She knew he hated her. She would hate her too. Boone felt the same.

She cried about it every night. It was like that, keeping her up a good portion of the night. She'd catch a couple of hours and be as good as new for the next day. She guessed she faired well with the cooperation. Somehow they could count on her, even now. Even after she had three glasses of red wine for dinner and was needed back at work. She was always in check. 

Naturally, she hadn't made it big. She knew she was too old for such a concept now. Everyone started asking at the office, when she would retire. "Well, not this year, if I can help it."

A part of her felt quite stupid. She thought of back when she started and the only questions she'd get, "Can you make coffee?" The copier was her first friend. She learned to fix all the things with it that no one else had time for. Yes, she did most things from scratch, but she was diligent and she was there for most times no one else would be. Somehow, Tammy sufficed even if her marriage didn't. 

But now, all the tears came back. She fought them far too long. She'd been overseas for awhile, but was now back in the states. Yes, the life that she knew was ending soon, but there was the retirement and the savings. Maybe she could get by OK. 

She smiled. She cried. She was happy to see her boy. He was getting married. Such a cute pair they made. Did they not know what was in store for them? 

She remembered the boys' father. Oh, he was such a hunk. She still didn't know why he stood next to her that night at the bar, but it was enchanting and surprisingly magical...at least for the first week or two. Maybe it was good as gold until they married and graduated college, Tammy now assumed. She didn't know where it went so wrong. 

They were so mean to each other. He wanted to live in Kansas City, but she'd found work in Omaha. She knew they couldn't go the distance, but he was so certain of it. Oh, he always knew best. Before she had Alfie, he'd already left her for someone else, but then he came back. Something about his anxieties which lead to her anxieties. It was hopeless. 

She remembered it like yesterday when they saw each other again. He made her feel it was like the first time, but it wasn't. Not for the long haul. 

Now, she felt numb inside, thinking what a horrible person she'd been. Giving Boone up. She wanted to call him Robbie. Oh, if he only knew. It melted her into a puddle. She knew this must have made her blood sugar over the moon, but when she checked it, it was only 130, which was practically the norm for her blood sugar these days. Yes, it was a little elevated, but not horrible.

Oh, she needed to delete Boone's video, but that was all she had. She sniffed back tears even more. She just wanted to stay in her room.

"Ma! Ma! Come here! You know that nurse on St. Denis looks a lot like you," called Naoki from the livingroom.