I suddenly see what my future could have been if I hadn't found you

 

"I dunno, we both feel so stupid," Alfie was still too hard on himelf and not knowing Zoey was pregnant all this time. "I mean, she just kept this schedule going..thinking we needed ..to you know.." He squinted hard hoping Gage wasn't even listening him talk out loud at their first grill of the season while an Easter Egg Hunt was in with Gage's friends and relatives.

"Stop, already," Gage tended to the burgers on the grill. The boneless chicken breasts sizzled. 

Alfie took a sip of the Bubbly drink which was just carbonated water. A part of him wanted a real beer, but there was life to worry about and he was still getting used to having his mother around who was off with the ladies in the kitchen. They'd survived dinner with her and the adopted brother he didn't know. But still it wasn't easy.

He looked up to see Gage's brother with someone. "Is that a date?"

Of course, his kids were here. They were running around with Alec and Henry and Josie's kids.

"Yes," Gage shrugged. "Even I'm surprised. He met her at the bowling alley." Gage went on to say something about a fire and how he rescued her.

"Wow," Alfie shook his head. "Leave it to Carson to be a hero."

"I dunno. I'm not asking."

"Probably for the best," Alfie sighed.

"What's Boone up to?'

"I think he was going to spend Easter with Maddie's family."

Alfie missed him.

"I thought you said Maddie's family never celebrated," Gabe said, looking at him.

"Well, they are welcoming KC's girlfriend to the family, and Maddie thought they should go." Alfie guessed there was a first time for anything.

Of course, Alfie found Naoki rather grumpy. Naturally, Zoey told him he was the one being grumpy. Alfie sighed, wondering how he could get out of this funk. After all, he would be a Dad soon. He looked up and saw Boone and Maddie walking toward them with a picnic breakfast.

"What are you two doing here?" It brightened his afternoon.

"It was just brunch, you know," he shrugged. "I thought I might surprise Mom."

"Mom?" Alfie looked at him puzzled.

"We made her some sugar-free cookies. Hopefully, they are OK for her."

"Oh."

"I brought you lemon bars," Boone smirked.

"Now we're talking, but maybe I'll save them for breakfast," Alfie knew he'd over eat today.

"You do look a little pregnant," Boone assured him.

Maddie took the basket and went to see what was up in the kitchen. After all, it was a beautiful day to be outdoor with bubbles floating about and the laugher of children filled the air.

Holding on to what I'm feeling

 "Can you explain it to me again?" Gage's wife Nora wanted to know about his brother Carson.

"Oh, it would take too long," Gage squinted as if it she didn't really want to know. They were in their bedroom. The kids were already asleep and hopefully, Carson was too, in the basement. "Look, he is a good brother. We -" He pressed his lips tight. "Lets just bring it up on what he's had to go through with my mother Clare. He took care of her when no one else would. And," he sighed. "He always wanted to do the right thing. He falls in love hard and then he can fall out of love too. But this thing with Brit. Well, he's helped her raise her kid and their kid and well, there is Katherine."

"Katherine?" Nora looked at him as if she needed to start making a list for Christmas. Gage got out of one shirt just to get into a tank. Nora was already ready for bed in her cozy pajamas. She fluffed a pillow and got comfortable. Gage got in and they cozied together.

"Yeah, he-" Gage sighed. "Don't bring it up, OK." Gage wasn't sure where his daughter was, other than being with her mother. He told her how Carson was seeing someone before he met Brit. Back then the young woman told him he wasn't the father of the baby, but later he found he was. 

"OK." Nora nodded. 

"I mean, really, I'm not any better -" Gage thought of all those times, and the talks he had with his brother about Alec. "I guess it is hard to move on when you've been together a good seven years or so."

"Yeah, he has a little boy," Nora remembered.

"And Theo." Gage nodded, even if he wasn't Carson's son he had raised him as his own. Gage thought they would all get together, even if that meant Brit being here too, and have a little Christmas even if Gage didn't want to see Carson's ex. "I hope, he'll just take his time. Think this out and-"

Of course, Nora mentioned Henry and Josie who were family too. She thought Alfie and Zoey should come because they were like family too. 

Gage really didn't want to think about it. The hours were long at the post office. It was getting cold. Flurries were about, but nothing was sticking. Just when he didn't think he had a cold, the post-nasal drip started, but his wife was a pharmacist and she was on it. 

Yet this thing with Carson, Gage wasn't sure he could do anything about it, but offer his brother a place to live. After all, it was Carson who found him all those years ago in Foster Care when his mother kept saying Gage was dead.

From now on, our troubles will be miles away

 "You told Slater!" Vanna looked at Koda furiously. She practically stomped his foot while they were waiting in line at the new Mexican restaurant to meet up with Harry and Maisy.

"Sorry," he winced, "But not sorry, Harry and Maisy know about the baby, why' can't Slater?"

She gave him the eye. "I haven't even told my mom." She hugged herself. She wasn't even showing. Koda thought she looked lovely in his sweater. It seemed after the news of the news of expecting, she was now wearing his clothes. 

"Why are you like this?" He pointed out that all their friends were happy for them.

"Well....they're not having the baby. I am." She snapped. 

"We're having the baby." Koda reminded her, but of course, she told him technically she was the one having the baby.

"Just calm down," he told her as if he already needed to be doing breathing lessons with her. "You can't be so moody." Of course, she gave him a fat lip and he thought she was all of four. Really, he felt he was already going through parenting lessons.

"You don't like the vitamins. You don't want to drink water. Thank God, you like milk," Koda found himself in a tizzy. "Remember, it's not all about you."

"I know." She told him she peed enough as it was. She wanted to go to the bathroom all the time.

"You promised no more sodas," Koda looked at her as if she was doing something behind his back. He vowed to only bring home water and they were weening off coffee in the morning. Just one cup a day.

"I'm not," Vanna yelped. About then Harry and Maisy showed up. They brought gift bags. They were having a little Christmas tonight. Thankfully, their number was called and they soon found seats. 

"Are you doing OK?" Maisy asked.

"Of course, I'm fine." Vanna was in a huff.

"She's fine. She still kicks in bed." Koda smirked. Harry almost laughed but Maisy gave him a harsh look.

"Are there certain things you can't eat?" Maisy wanted to know. She was all festive dressed up in high heels and to the max while Harry was dressed down, naturally.

"I can eat anything I want," Vanna informed her. The salsa and the large chips were put on the table. Vanna took one swipe of the salsa with her chip and choked. She excused herself to the bathroom.

"Oh, you really are my own Kris Kringle," Nora smiled at Gage while they were cuddling in the livingroom, all alone. Yes, they were getting ready for their Ugly Sweater party, but she wasn't sure anyone would come. And she was OK with that.

In her eyes Gage was her prince from a far-off land. Still, she knew he made a lot of kids happy this season bringing them packages, especially when Amazon needed postal help. 

"Yeah yeah, you say that now," Gage smiled back as he had his arm around her. Thankfully, he had worked out his schedule that he wasn't working every day. He did have a little vacation time coming. "I don't know if we should have done this." 

The cheeseball was laid out, there were all sorts of snacks, even fudge. But no alcohol. 

"You know, our friends will be here," she stretched her neck just a little. It was best to just relax. 

"But you are normally not like this," he knew. 

"Well, Alec is at Henry and Josie's," she sounded like he would be at a party too.

"No telling, what he'll get up to with his cousins," Gage reminded her a babysitter was watching the kids there while Henry and Josie would be at the party. Nora knew they would reciprocate by having their kids over for New Year's. Of course, there was Alfie and Zoey's wedding to think about too.

"I'm glad they are so close," she said she was glad Gage's cousin was such a good friend.

"Oh, can't say we were always close," Gage cracked up. "I think once upon a time he  hated me."

"I don't believe that," Nora winced back with a laugh. 

"Well, let's just say a lot of things changed me for the better," he nodded. "And maybe Henry had a lot more to do with that than he even knows." He told her he was glad they were close. It was always good to be friends with family.

When you finally decide this is home

 Gage was dragging, but still, a part of him felt great. Especially, to go home to Nora and Alec. Of course, this meant a packed dinner to the ballpark where someone was starting baseball. It was a place for many sports that wasn't too far from Nora's. After all, she had signed him up and he was playing ball with his cousin. So they would meet up with Henry and Josie and well, it was a nice evening.

Then of course, Alfie would call while at the game and before Gage knew it Alfie and Zoey would show up with soda and popcorn. 

They cheered on Alec too. Really, it was a cozy start to summer. It felt as if everything was settling in. And if he let himself, he felt at home with Nora. Yet, he still felt lost, wondering if he was doing anything right.

"Oh, you think too much," Alfie told him. "You two are fine, and you know it." They sometimes just hung out in the garage trying to play mechanic.

"I don't know," Gage shook his head. "I feel like I might not be doing enough." 

"What do you need to do?" Alfie laughed.

"I'm afraid she thinks I'm a freeloader of some kind." Gage sighed with a shrug.

"Have you two talked about this?" Alfie gave him an Alfie knows best look.

"We talk enough," Gage told him. He reached in the garage fridge then for a couple of sodas.

"Oh really?" Alfie kept looking at him as if he doubted it. "Just not about the good stuff."

"The good stuff?" Gage's forehead wrinkled as he laughed.

"Yeah, just stop worrying will you, it'll give you more time to think what the good things are and just maybe ..um..a kiss or two would help too." Alfie's smile was open as he took a sip of rootbeer.

Gage was closed mouth. Why was it so hard to make a move with Nora, he thought. He never remembered it this difficult back when he was a teenager.

they don't know what I know

 "What's happened this time?" Henry wanted to know. Oh, he knew Gage had spoke with Josie and well, it was summer and practically school time. Their kids were at the same school. So here Alec and Gage were over for the cookout.

Henry was in his shorts and wearing an apron. He was holding an orange juice seltzer which he offered to Gage. Really, Gage couldn't remember the last time he was over at his cousin's house. Maybe it was when he was with Haile and Alec was a toddler. 

Gage only smiled at Henry and promised he was staying out of trouble.

"Well, you're just as boring as me then," Henry said as he did his best to get out of a kiddos path, but of course, he was part of the game evidently. Finally, they moved out to the deck and Gage opened the can out in the sun. It was a good thing. It spewed everywhere.

Gage asked about Henry's parents. Henry asked about his. Before he knew it, they were all caught up. Except, "What is Halie doing these days?" Henry asked.

"Last I heard she was getting married." It hurt a little when he said it. He could sense it even from the corner of his eye. That life with her was over even if he and Alec were the remains. 

"Oh, you know you two were never completely happy," Henry smiled. Gage nodded although, he felt he'd let Alec down. After all, his mom had gone back to England to live with her college friends.

"I just don't know anything anymore," Gage finally took a sip of the no-calorie drink. "As if I ever knew anything in the first place." Honestly, relationships were never easy especially after being with someone as dramatic as Halie.

"Well, it's going to be fine, sooner or later," Henry flipped a burger then and carefully watched the bratwurst. 

"I guess I should have stayed out there with Carson and his family," Gage said his brother really liked Grand Island.

"But your mother needs Alec around. And Alec needs her too," Henry told him. Finally, he asked, "What is it you're not telling me?"

Gage wanted to crack a smile, but he didn't know an easy way to say it. "Oh..well..there is someone, but I don't think it'll work out."

"What do you mean?"

"I'd rather not get my hopes up. Certainly not Alec's." He shook his head, no. 

Henry looked at him with an open smile. He handed him a plate of well-done brats. He told him they needed to cool. The kids wouldn't touch them otherwise.

"She..she wants to meet Alec," he then said.

"Who?" Henry wanted to know.

"Someone I have lunch with," Gage said. Although, he felt he was gasping for air. No way would something like this work. "It's like..like she wants us all to go on a date or something."

"What's wrong with that?" Henry asked as he headed to the kitchen with the hamburger patties and Gage followed.

"It doesn't seem weird to you?" Gage winced. Even his mother thought it was sweet. Still, he wondered if Alfie would be all she would talk about. It was like he was her firstborn.

in the library stacks

 It was really happening, and a part of Henry thought he might lose it. Oh, it was hard to have Josie's faith that all would be well this summer with her oldest ten-year-old son Dylan staying with them. Never did he think this would haunt him until now. Henry always imagined Dylan would be where ever his adopted father was. But it had always been an open adoption. Didn't he remember?

Sure they saw Dylan occasionally. They celebrated the holidays with him usually a day before or after an actual holiday. Yet, the visits became fewer and fewer. And Dylan never called Josie on the phone. Maybe they hadn't called him enough either. But occasionally, they would go to one of his baseball games.

Henry didn't mean to be stressed. He was not supposed to be stressed. Of course, there was a computer lab and a Maker's Space to worry about in an old library that wasn't built all that well, to begin with. Naturally, he spent hours listening to patrons questioning him about why did the library need a new building. It was true, the regular patron never spent more than fifteen minutes here. Sure, it was great with a lot of character, but the bathrooms were bad, the electric wiring was horrid and a leaky roof didn't help much either.

Of course, he just smiled and kept going. What else could he do? He hoped the summer wouldn't be too crazy. At least, Josie hadn't mentioned any day trips or quick vacations. The library was short-handed as it was. Of course, there was always that fear of a bad aura surrounding him that might end up being a seizure. Granted, the epilepsy was practically gone. Maybe. 

But Josie was so certain his last big seizure had changed him. He was almost certain that would be the end of everything. He tried not to think about it now. After all, there were their two little ones with soccer practice and swimming lessons. They were always in a fuss about everything and now to add Dylan to the mix. It felt as if it might be too much. Yet, long ago, he'd imagined taking on this role. So, he needed that faith and it was somewhere in him to be a part of the family that Dylan needed. After all, Dylan didn't want to move with the only Dad he ever knew, and that dad had some drinking problems of his own after his divorce. Dylan liked it here and was looking forward to bunking with a four-year-old. 

Henry did his best to stop thinking about what this summer had in store for him. Only, the moment was quiet at the library and well, he would just do that walk around in the stacks. The library was almost in its last hour. 

Honestly, it was empty for the most part. The lady who needed help printing out her boarding pass had left. There was someone in the Young Adult area reading graphic novels and sipping coffee, but no one in MYSTERY, and the SCIENCE FICTION area was empty too. 

He strolled past the DVDs and CDBOOKS. Off to NONFICTION and there in the middle of it was someone laying on the carpet twitching.

Henry blinked. He felt as if he couldn't get to Mercer fast enough. He reached for his iPhone and called 911. This was the last thing he ever expected. He yelled that he'd called for an ambulance. It wasn't long until the blond teen from the Young Adult area came running. 

He was Mercer's friend. Cade said he'd never seen Mercer this way. It was like they were staring at a fish out of water.

"He'll be fine," Henry found himself saying. Although, he could be wrong. But he knew he had to remain positive.

Halloween is coming

 "I just don't know..." Henry said aloud as he looked out of the front window of their place. It looked as is Halloween was in full throttle, already. Someone even had a  unicorn skeleton in their yard. He grimaced.

"What? What is it this time?" Josie asked. He looked back seeing that she was watching every move he made. As if she could read his aura and know the hours before he would have a seizure. Granted, he hadn't had one in way over a year, but she always looked worried and that bothered him now and again.

"It's..it's this thing with Lynsey at work," He couldn't possibly smile about it, but he thought Lyn might be seeing someone. Henry hadn't spoken to anyone about it on staff at the library. After all, she did have a baby with Casey who lived right around the corner.

"A thing?" Josie winced as if she didn't know his vocabulary. After all, she'd gotten on part-time at a quilt shop and taught morning classes in 101 quilting.

"You know..like..like an affair..perhaps." He shrugged thinking he should be doing something with the kids who were off in the playroom putting hopefully a puzzle together without having a squabble. 

"Lynsey? Our neighbor Lynsey?"

"Well, it could be nothing." Henry nodded but he tried to think of a laugh, only he couldn't. "I mean..I just thought it was this nice patron, but then I noticed him dropping her off at work..." He hated to gossip yet he'd always enjoyed it. Unfortunately.

"It's probably not what you think it is." Josie was short with him. She yelled, "Kids, go wash up!"  

Dinner would be soon. He let her get back to the kitchen while he set the table. Really, there was nothing exciting going on. They didn't even like watching the news lately. After all, he learned everything on his laptop daily. What was the point?

The little ones scurried down the hall as if it might be a race, slipping and sliding in their socks. Naturally, there was a fuss because someone wouldn't turn on the bathroom light so Henry went to take care of it and made sure each actually scrubbed their chubby fingers. 

The oldest was in Kindergarten this year but acted as if she was already in middle school. The other a year or so younger. Both were bossy. 

Henry hugged himself. He could only imagine who they took after.

Finally, he looked up and saw Josie down the hall.

"Don't talk to Casey."

Henry froze as if he was in trouble already. 

"Just let me find out what's going on." Josie was even lipped, probably much tougher than he would ever be. Henry sighed as if it were a relief. He liked when Josie took care of things.

if not when

When Josie called, she sounded completely defeated. She'd just gotten home from the emergency room. Allie, her almost-four-year-old hit her brother with a piece of concrete in the back yard. They'd managed to mend the baby with surgical glue, but Josie was still having a hard time dealing with all the blood she'd seen.

"This is not supposed to be happening," she said she didn't even know there was concrete in the back yard. She sounded as if she were the worst mother, ever.

"Oh, it isn't easy these days." He was home with two teenage boys who hated each other most of the time and then he'd find the two of them playing video games or maybe trying to try something on each other they'd seen on world wrestling.

"They should know better," Xander assured her he was having a hard time, too. After all, he never saw his husband Ducky who was a doctor. They faced time about once a week.

"But it's me, I'm sure it's me," Josie said she found it hard to do anything, lately. She didn't want to make masks for the kids. A few weeks ago, she'd made a dozen or so for her mother's friends and Henry's co-workers. Now she was exhausted and didn't even have a mask in the house. After all, Henry did all the shopping.

"It'll get better," Xander told her. He knew businesses were opening, yet there seemed to be more cases of the viruses. It was time to accept the fact. The virus wasn't going away, and he would always be sanitizing more, cleaning more, protecting his family more every day.

Home is where the heart is

Easter came with a hail storm. Effy was glad she and Duffy spent some time with Henry and Josie and their family. Even if it was from a distance. At least the kids did a bit of an Easter Egg Hunt and everyone brought their own drink container and stood around in the spring warmth before the thunderstorms brought hail, sleet and cold.

If Effy let her mind wonder enough she thought she might go crazy, realizing she hadn't accomplished all that much, like starting her own family and yet she was happy to be a part of Duffy's. Although, she was certain it was too early to get married.

"I don't know if there is such a thing," Josie had shrugged at the matter. "You either want to or you don't."

Effy agreed. A part of her felt time was a ticking time bomb. But then Duffy hadn't exactly asked. Although, she'd moved in so randomly, giving up her apartment so easily after the arrival of her ex Jaime who had now gone back to Oregan and was fighting the virus and real hero, perhaps.

A part of Effy felt the terrible sort. A part of her was thankful they had never rushed into anything. But it was different with easy-going Duffy, who loved his job just as much as Jamie only he was working from home now and Henry was helping him with his videos to educate his students as well as adding a few sing-alongs at the library website.

Effy was still on the job at the library even if they were closed to the public. Still, even if they survived, she was certain nothing would ever be the same. As it was, she was learning to sew masks and she'd never sewn in her life.

Just the thought of her wearing one at her wedding made her a little sad.

Life as we know it

"I'm glad you two made up," Duffy informed Henry that even Effy was stressing out about her two best friends, Henry and Josie. "And, you know what that means? I get to be stressed out too."

Henry cracked a smile as they were both out doing yard work.

Actually, Duffy didn't think neither were much good at manicuring yards, especially when spring didn't feel like it was right around the corner. But it was the weekend and he wanted to at least make Effy think he was trying.

"You aren't so used to this family stuff, are you?" Henry told him there was no need to mow. Although, Duffy heard mowing in the distance. To Duffy, they might as well be chopping down trees.

He looked up to the bare sky on this chilly morning and noticed all the twigs in the roof drain. It was an unpleasant sight but Effy hadn't bothered him about it.

"Better call somebody about that," Henry said. "I'd hate for you to get up there and couldn't come down."

Duffy chuckled, glad that Henry was here or he might be bored.

"I used to be really good at climbing on roofs when I was kid," He was sure he could get the job done if it were warmer.

"Oh really," Henry looked at him as if that might be a challenge.

"Well, yeah, back then they thought I might join the circus or something," Duffy couldn't help but grin. He remembered how his mother would be so worried. "I was a very bad kid."

He looked up at the roof. He didn't feel so bad now. Perhaps it was love for Effy, or gravity finally got to him.

once upon a time

"Cheating on you?" Henry didn't like the sound of that as his brow tensed. "What are you talking about?" He was in the middle of washing dishes and Josie had him cornered.

At least she wasn't breastfeeding. It seemed to be her last stand of being a true mother since she couldn't have any more kids.

"What is wrong with you?" He was in a pout. Couldn't she see he was tired and still so hurt after his last seizure? Not physically but emotionally.

She went on to make caffeine-free tea and waited for him to come to the kitchen table.

"What is wrong with you?" She winced as if she might kick him in the shin if he didn't confide in her.

"Is there anything not wrong with me?" He almost laughed, but it hurt to think how pathetic he actually was. He took a seat, but he really didn't feel like talking. Things had gone so well as of late. With the babies, Josie's health, she was cancer-free. He hadn't had a seizure in ages.

"Don't you see, I can't ..I can't even watch our two properly. I can't drive. It's amazing I still have a job." He shrugged. "I've let you down." Yes, there was a time, he felt certain he might never ever have another seizure. And then when he did, he felt he'd lost part of himself.

"You're not happy," Josie finally blurted.

"I am. I'm happy with you. I'm happy we have these two." Although, he worried all the time. He could barely sleep these days. He was restless. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Josie reminded him that he'd always been able to tell her everything, now she felt he was hiding something from her.

"These new meds make me feel, I don't know. It's different," he sighed. Perhaps he was growing old. He wasn't that go-to guy he always thought he was who could ride a bicycle in a dress suit.

"Well, you should talk to those doctors. Maybe they need to check you out, see if anything else is wrong." Josie told him.

Henry shook his head. He didn't want anything else to be wrong.

nothing easy about it

"Do you think I sound like a broken record?" Josie was tempted to break open the tequila in the middle of the day and make her own margarita, but Lynsey was over to help with the kids. She didn't want the girl to think the worst of her.

"What?" Lynsey was checking out on the deck to see what the toddler was in too.

"You know, this..this thing with Henry," Josie thought she might be getting a little tipsy on coffee or was she so tired she should be asleep? The last few weeks had been so restless with this new husband of hers.  Henry just hadn't been the same since his seizure. He slept soundly and rarely ever had anything to say to her.

"What thing?" Naturally, Lyn hadn't noticed. He was the same old Henry to her at the library.

Josie nursed her bottom lip wondering if she was the one going crazy.

"He's so different," Josie sighed. "I feel like I'm with a different man."

"What's so different?" Lynsey went to grab Josie's oldest before she could get off the deck.

"It's hard to explain," Josie found herself quite sad. She missed his goofy smile. "He's so serious now..and..and.." Josie didn't know how to explain herself. "It's just wrong, you know."

"Maybe, maybe it's the medications," Lynsey nodded.

"Maybe," Josie hadn't thought of that.

"Just give it some time," Lynsey offered to babysit without pay. She said Henry and Josie should have a date night or two, perhaps.

"We'll see," Josie shrugged. She didn't think he wanted to do anything anymore but stay home and watch TV.

When skies are grey

"I've only known Henry for a short time, but he's been a great friend, who's helped me get through some tough times," Duffy told Effy over sandwiches. "I hope Josie will trust him. I know they have both been through a lot with his bouts with illness, but somehow, I feel sure they'll get through this."

Effy nodded. "But she thinks he's changed," Effy shrugged. "I don't see it, do you?"

Duffy smiled. "Sometimes, when you are with somebody the longest you're the last to know that someone's grownup, after all."

"That could be so," Effy smiled. "You've grown up."

"I wish," Duffy looked over at his son who was making a mess with his jelly sandwich. "But I have you to lead the way."

"True."

Effy got a warm wash cloth to clean the baby's hands and face.

"See, you always know what to do," he sighed. Still, he hoped she believed him that he truly wanted to marry her.

it's not the end of the world

Effy didn't know who she was worried about the most, Henry or Josie?

She was puzzled when Josie cornered her in the kitchen when she brought them dinner and Josie asked her if she thought Henry was different.

Effy didn't think so. "But..but he just had a seizure." She shrugged. She knew how exhausted he was after an event like that, but she thought he was OK.

"Are you OK?" Effy asked Josie, thinking she must be exhausted, too. After all, Josie had two little ones to tend too, as well as Henry.

But Henry got together with Duffy and got out his old video cameras and talked about documentaries.

"He won't talk to me." Josie looked at her blankly as if she didn't know how to fix this. Effy could see Josie was hurt that Henry was much more content talking with Duffy than her.

"Maybe..maybe.." Effy didn't know what to think, "He..he might be embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?" Josie winced. "I've seen him go through plenty of seizures before." She hugged herself hard. "But this is different this time. I swear he's not himself at all." Josie slightly scowled. "He sits there like a zombie and he acts like I'm not even here." She looked up at Effy with tears in her eyes, "I am here, aren't I?"

"Of course, you are," Effy gave Josie a hug.

is it just me?

Just when Josie thought it could never happen again, it did with Henry.

It wasn't at work, but at home in the dead of night, a seizure sucked him right out of the world. At least for a minute or two.

Josie called 911 and her mother came to look after the kids. She rode to the hospital with him. Even then she suspected he wasn't the same even if the doctors told her his vitals were good and he needed rest.

"But, but he's not saying anything," she was certain he'd changed. He wasn't his smiling, happy go lucky self. His laughter was gone. He wasn't saying anything.

"Are you sure he's really OK?" Maybe it was a stroke of some kind, but they looked at her as if she was the one with the problem. Not Henry. "Did he say anything?"

They couldn't tell her. It felt like a very bad dream. Honestly, he didn't look anything like the Henry she knew, who was always optimistic even when she knew he was depressed. Had he given up without telling her?

He laid in the hospital bed, perhaps asleep. If only he'd say something to her. She needed to hear his voice.

Even when she snuggled up to him, he didn't react, but she hugged him harder as if she would love him more, somehow. But her Henry was silent. It was as if he was somehow more mature than the day before. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do.

Christmas is coming

Josie sometimes wondered if Henry enjoyed worrying about other people. After all this time, she was certain she'd figured him out, but he could be a mystery when he wanted to be.

Not that she worried all that much about what her husband was thinking. She was busy with kiddies and of course, her own health.

At the moment, all was well, but one never knew about cancer. And that was not the place she wanted to go in her troubles as Christmas was right around the corner.

Of course, she knew she needed to be doing more yet young motherhood definitely made one old fast, but how else could one age?

Here she was sitting with Effy over lunch. It was their first, but Josie said she would do it for Henry's sake. After all, he thought of his library co-worker as a little sister. Of course, she couldn't even think the last time she had lunch with Henry's actual sister Vada, who was so busy these days getting ready to teach English to Spanish speaking children. It seemed everyone was busy but Josie.

"Did you ever get back home?" Josie asked. She knew Henry wanted to know, but wouldn't ask.

She nodded with a shrug. Naturally, she hadn't stayed there long. It was as if she didn't feel safe there. What if her ex came back? Of course, they'd changed the locks. Still Effy said she felt as if someone invaded her space and it was much cozier at Duffy's.

"I mean, it feels like I'm home when I with him and Alvin," She smiled going into detail about the toddler's adventures. "I dunno how he does it." Her smiled went straight lipped. She hated to think of him as a single father.

"But, would you really be ready for something like that?" Josie had never been in that position. She'd know motherhood for quite a long time, even when she wasn't raising a child. Of course, she felt a bit melancholy so suddenly, thinking of her oldest who she might see a couple times a year, but he wasn't hers and he had his own family.

Josie tried to smile, but Effy didn't notice she was digging into the roast beef special they'd gotten at the usual place near the library.

She pressed her lips tight listening to Effy go on and on about Duffy's little son. She loved the way her Mi Mi and always wanted her to read a dinosaur book too him. But was that really the same as raising a child.

"Well, I'll find out." Effy looked at her blankly. "I've moved out of my apartment." Although, the lease wouldn't be up til the end of the month. Her couch was now in Duffy's livingroom. Her trusty instant pot was already making dinners which was right next to Duffy's air fryer.

Josie said they should get together for dinner between the holidays. Effy said she would like that. "I'll talk it over with Duffy." After all, he was friends with Henry. Josie wouldn't have to cook.

Josie smiled. It would be good for her little ones to have more friends. Maybe Josie needed more friends too.

what's there to talk about

Cole wasn't used to situations like this. He had his buddies and he knew they were know better than he was. Well, that might not be true, but at least he'd been around them long enough to feel at easy.

Now he felt he couldn't speak with out feeling too sad. He didn't feel good enough to be here. Of course, he'd always felt that way about himself.

His dad was a lifer in prison. No one ever spoke of him. Not even his mom when she was alive. Cole had never met him, but he knew he was from a different breed than his brother. Of course, Jared was a social animal that thrived on everyone doting on him. Cole sighed wondering what Jared was doing right now with that redhead back at the house.

Cole took a look at Henry and Josie's trash disposal. It was an easy fix. Something needed to be tightened.

Henry offered Cole some snacks. And then talked about high school He thought he remembered Cole. Henry went on to say he was on the Keto diet. He talked about his epilepsy and how the diet helped.

Cole nodded and reached for a chicken tender with was actually tofu. It wasn't bad. Cole told him he wasn't much help in the kitchen. He liked 3 minute ramen, but he did help Lee Ann, keeping the kitchen clean.

"Do you have a library card?" Henry mentioned he worked at the library.

Cole shook his head, no. He squinted a bit, wondering what he'd ever do at the library.

"Oh, there is so much more than books at the library," Henry smiled. "We've got lots of classes going on. Fermentation..even baby yoga."

Cole didn't know what to say. He did his best to smile. He guessed this guy wanted to be his friend, after all.

always waiting for something

Josie knew Henry thought they had enough friends, or maybe it was the fact his job was to be friendly and outgoing with patrons, but at home was a place to chill. Didn't he see they needed to be an example for their little ones? They needed friends and playdates too.

"Maybe Lee Ann can cut your hair," Josie said while Henry was doing one more vacuum before her friend and boyfriend got there.

"What?" He gave her the eye. She knew he didn't like the sound of that. "Don't you know winter is coming. I have to grow my hair out."

Josie couldn't help but smile. Some things never changed with him.

Yes, she still loved him, but he had his quirks, just as she knew she drove him crazy wanting him to try to cook something new all the time and other little projects,

The doorbell rang and suddenly everything was silent. She knew he had to get in the right mode. She didn't know why this kind of thing worried him so much.

But they let the little ones take to the toys soon enough. They watched as if they didn't have to say a word, but finally Lee Ann broke the ice.

"I really like your place." She smiled looking around telling her it was so family-friendly.

Cole looked down with his hands in his jeans pockets. Josie could tell he felt out of place.

Josie eyed Henry. It was his turn to do what he did best. Talk. Oh, how he could be a one-man show.

Henry cleared his throat.

"I hear you fix things," Henry said ever so brightly. He then mentioned the trash disposal.

Cole nodded, but followed him to the kitchen.

Lee Ann then mentioned that Cole wasn't the father of her baby.

Josie looked at her blankly. Honestly, she would have never known. Still, she wanted to think of him as a Dad. In spite of the silence, he had a lot of dad qualities. Josie sensed it how he was toward the toddler.

Josie only nodded.

"But, he.." Lee Ann started.

"Just tell me," Josie smiled as if it couldn't be that tragic.

"We're having a baby in April." She pressed her lips tight.

"That's great." Josie smiled.

Lee Ann looked as if no one had ever said that to her before. Josie gave her a hug and hoped Lee Ann would let herself be happy.

It's a grownup world

Henry winced when Josie mentioned she'd invited some new friend over. Her significant other would be here too with their baby.

Henry looked around the livingroom. They didn't even have cable anymore. They were lucky to have the internet with all their bills and health cost they were still paying on with Josie's surgery.

"Are you really sure you're up for this?" He hugged himself thinking he was a miserable excuse for a husband. After all, he was just a Young Adult librarian who spent every waking hour busy with some project at the library.

She was tired with the baby times two. She was still in the transition of getting over a total hysterectomy after the cancer along with breast feeding.

 He shook his head thinking if it wasn't one thing or another. There were his own seizures to worry about, even if he hadn't had one in months now.

"Of course, I'm up for it," Josie almost pouted.

"But..but don't we have enough friends?" He winced thinking the ones they had always invited them over for weekend dinners. Nobody showed up here. There was laundry to fold and toys to pick up. And lord knows, what they really needed to give to the book sale room where he worked. They were possibly hoarders. Winter was coming and she was thinking about spaghetti. He'd have to make it. She hadn't cooked in months.

"All right." He would give in. It was the right thing to do. He went to the kitchen wondering what he'd need to pick up from the grocery store. "Just don't tell me, they'll be over in thirty minutes." No way could they make the place presentable.

"Tomorrow," Josie said. "Tomorrow night."

"Really?" Henry tensed.

"It's just dinner."

"But.." He didn't know how to finish that sentence. It was work keeping diapers changed and baths and the carpet vacuum. "If..if it'll make you happy."

"Henry?" Now she was angry. "It's not about us. It's about them. We aren't the only ones struggling."

He nodded. He agreed. He would do what he always did. Make do with what they had.

Henry & Josie

Josie gave birth to a baby boy a week before Thanksgiving. It had been a quick delivery even if Henry thought she gave birth practically standing up. He thought she'd come home too soon, but he didn't want to say anything.

Of course, nothing was said about cancer. He knew it wasn't gone. There had been procedures taken after Daniel was born. She'd been on bed rest for the most part. However, the bleeding wouldn't stop and he was home with the baby while she was in the hospital.

It hadn't felt like Thanksgiving. Henry couldn't remember the last time he'd actually slept in a bed. Of course, his parents took care of the little ones. Josie's mom was there too. Even after the bleeding was taken care of, no one really wanted to think about the next step.

There were appointments to see too, but that wouldn't happen for a couple of weeks. He could see from the look on Camille's face that she expected the worst outcome for Josie.

"They're talking of a total hysterectomy," she told Henry, who knew this, but he let her believe only she knew. "She, she's so young."

In spite of Josie in her late twenties, she did look all of fifteen.

Henry couldn't find words to console his mother-in-law. He felt sad about this, but he wanted Josie to be healthy. All he could do was to be happy about their new son and hope they found as much joy as they could to propel the future.

The snow fell now as the wind kicked in. Henry could hardly feel it sting his face. There were more important things on his mind, getting Josie home so she could be with the baby.