Tuesday, April 20, 2010

where did the hope go

Amanda felt she'd answered a million and one questions with her counselor about her feelings about the baby.  They wanted to know what she ate. Had she used drugs. Was she on drugs. Did she want to be on drugs. Had she tried to hurt the baby. Had she tried to hurt herself.

Her head was spinning from so much guilt. She felt even worse.

"Maybe I should not see the baby." She wanted to tell them, but she didn't or that might mean more trouble.

There was so much in her past she didn't want to drag up. Especially, about her mother. It was still a very tender issue with her. She avoided it at all cost. Usually. She said she was OK. She was suppose to be OK. Why wasn't she?

"Well, I took care of my brother, mostly, while growing up." She had told them more than once. Wasn't that suppose to prepare you for motherhood? Taking care of your own siblings. Evidently not. She knew she had felt abandoned more than once with him. But her Mom had to work. Her Dad worked. Boys in the family just didn't do anything. Her older brother certainly hadn't then. He was always off with his friends or watching TV in his underwear. God, did she tell them that? That just sounded freaky, thinking about it now.
So much had been expected of her when she was little. She was after all, female. It was as if she wouldn't amount to much other than housekeeping or cooking. And she hated those things. She did. Maybe she hated babysitting her little brother too. Who soon became more like her older brother. Always waiting on them. Waiting for them to take her here and there. God, she hated depending on her older brother.

Why was it now, she found more that she hated about her childhood than she enjoyed. It was upsetting, having to have all this suffering that she'd bottled up, forever. Now she felt as if she was drowning in an ocean of tears.

She didn't want to tell them all the crazy things she felt around Evan. She hadn't been that fond of Rosie when she was an infant, either. Always, the fear she'd drowned her or Rosie would suck the nipple from the bottle, right down her throat. She didn't want anything bad to happen, but she kept thinking it. Even more so with Evan. She didn't know why. She didn't. Did this mean she'd be incapable to ever do anything with her life now?

On the bright side, she now didn't have to worry about lactating. And they'd given her birth control pills too. She thought now -  how angry her dad had gotten with her when he found out she was thinking about going to planned parenthood. It was as if they never wanted her to make her own decisions and now that she could, it seemed impossible.

She still felt it was best that Evan stay with Eric. That hadn't changed. She had a feeling that might never change.

6 comments:

Ivyoaks said...

To bad it has to be that way.

Cafe Fashionista said...

I just feel bad for Amanda. She obviously has issues to work through. At the same time, I love the fact that she has enough sense to realize that now is not the time for Evan to stay with her - if ever. :)

lily said...

Its good that she can admit these things. That is half the battle when you face something like this.

axel said...

Maybe she'll get the help she needs.

meg said...

Hopefully, she'll get better.

Meg said...

I hope Amanda can sort through her issues.