Some days are just HARD

 Jay wasn't sure what he wanted to hear from Lindy's dad, Frank. They'd met up at the place where Lindy was taken. It seemed it was a wait-and-see kind of thing. 

"I've been down this road with her mother," Frank sounded like it was old news. Like if he could, he'd shoot Lindy out of her misery with the gun under his pickup seat.

Jay felt a little strange just being with the old man. Honestly, he never knew what to expect out of him, other than the worst.

"Well, what can they do?" Jay didn't think they would give her shock treatments. It couldn't be totally mental? Could it? "Are you sure Lindy had a safe home life when..when she was growing up?"

"What do you mean?" He turned to Jay as if he had no business to ask him.

"Nothing, it's nothing." It wouldn't do any good to talk about Lindy as they waited to see her. That's when he told  Frank how his mom felt about Frank and Jay's older half-brother Lenny.

"That boy's in jail," Frank shook his head as if that wouldn't do. He hugged himself hard. 

"Remember, you didn't have a good start, either," Jay told him. Sure, Jay went on a bit about how Lenny was in an orphanage and he had always been a street kid, even taking on somebody else's identity. "But he is my brother and he is your son."

Frank nodded but didn't say anything. 

Finally, they were asked to follow someone down a bright lit hall. There was somebody in a wheelchair that slightly resembled Lindy out in a garden. They could only see her from behind the glass. This was as close as they could get to her.

It wasn't easy to see Lindy this way. There was a miserable feeling to Jay that this was all his doing. If only they'd never met. If only he hadn't wanted..oh what did he really want?

"If only I.." He cleared his throat as he teared up. "I don't guess I deserve to know who my father really is." He nodded with his hands shoved into his black duster. He stared down at his beat-up black Converses.

Frank looked over at him. "Well, I can tell you who he is," Frank said.

"What? You knew him?"

"You look just like him," Frank nodded. "Your poppa was a priest."

"A priest!" Jay practically came unglued. He didn't believe Frank.

"Well, it might have happened before he went into the priesthood. He was a good kid. Always did what his folks said. They wanted him to be a priest. And your momma must have been sweet on him, evidently."

"Were they gonna run away together, or something?"

"That I don't know, I was in prison then. Last I heard Ramon got killed by a roadside bomb. He was in the army." Frank told him he was a good man. "I'm glad he had a kid like you." Frank grinned then.

If that's not loving you

 

It was a nightmare. The fourth was truly a nightmare. Jay was beginning to understand that now. He'd gone through so many emotions. Never had he been on such a whirlwind. And truly, he'd been through a lot. Especially, with his so-called brother Lenny.

Of course, he crumbled into tears, alone on his couch thinking if only he'd known what he'd put Ivy through...well, maybe he was a sad shit just like Lindy's alter-something said. 

Rita wanted to play pool that night. Of course, she won. She'd won plenty before he even got there. Oh, fireworks might have made plenty giddy with love for each other and for country, but this Miss, oh she was slick and not at all like Lindy.  

She said she did not have a twin when he'd asked.

Jay didn't want to believe any of it was true now. He just wanted her to be who she was supposed to be. Petite, docile Lindy. Not some ... oh he winced hard not wanting to think it...a bitch. Yes, that's what Rita was. Plain and simple. She drank tequila GOLD shots like a pro. 

Nasty stuff, Jay thought. Yes, he'd met crazy and was sure she would leave with the first truck driver that showed up, but thankfully he was gay and liked line dancing instead.

Yes, Jay played game after game, trying to think of the best way to get her home. And then he did the worst thing he could possibly do. He knocked her out cold. His knuckles ached at the thought of hitting her. And then he took her to the emergency room.

It was definitely not a good fifth of July either. It took a while to get her the help she needed. He almost got arrested. 

Now he thought it was a mistake. Lindy wasn't saying anything to anyone. Hadn't for days.

 She was just somebody he didn't know and maybe never would. He knew he'd have to stay out of it. Especially, since he didn't want to make matters worse with Ivy and he had to have Hope in his life. After all, she was his daughter.

It was nightfall before Slater checked on him.

"But I don't need checking up," Jay festered a frown when Slater showed up with left-overs. 

"You know, you need me." Slater shrugged. "We are family."

Jay sat back on the couch staring at the dinner plate wrapped in foil on the coffee table. He could smell the barbecue from here. But he sighed as the tears shed like a night storm.

"I have felt abandoned most of my life," Jay nodded as he let the tears drip down his face. "I don't know why I think I can be somebody's hero when..when I can't really take care of myself..and especially, not ...Lindy."

"Stop feeling like a failure," Slater told him. "Things might work out yet."

Jay shook his head NO as if he was determined not to let anything work out.

"Who knows, Lindy might really love you. And..and her Dad... he might actually know your dad." Slater put his arm around him. Jay wanted to smile, but he couldn't. Instead, he turned to Slater and wept into his shoulder.

the woes of July

 "What? She's your sister?" Koda didn't think he'd gotten it wrong that night when he went off with Jay to find Lindy. Somebody had to be with him. Vanna had stayed at Misty's as if there might be a chance that Lindy would come home.

"My brother's sister," Jay looked so out of it. Like he might be ready for a fight.

"Huh?" Koda still had to think on this as Jay tried to explain. Lenny was Jay's half-brother. The Lenny he knew back on the Rez who was always a troublemaker and probably a gangster.

It still didn't sit well with Koda, even now. Even if they did find Lindy at a pool hall that night, back on the Fourth of July. Actually, she didn't know who Jay was, or at least claimed she didn't.

"I bet she was drunk," He shook his head as he chewed on a thumbnail in thought while on the couch now. Vanna only sighed as she watched the news with her head in his lap. Yes, it was best to stay in on these hot summer days. They didn't really have the money to go anywhere. 

"I bet she wasn't," Vanna said right back to him, but she didn't look at him. She just stared at the news. 

"You're getting kind of heavy on my leg," Koda then winced with a grimace. "Are you all right?" He had to lift her practically off of him.

She coughed then and she squinted hard. She said her throat burned, and her ears too. He felt her forehead. She was burning up. 

"Why didn't you tell me!" He tilted her the other way and got her feet on the couch. He went to get some Tylenol and a glass of water. 

"What? You're not a doctor." She practically looked up at him with a scowl. Koda sighed. He went to get the COVID test they gave them at work. 

Of course, she was wide-eyed when she saw what he was doing as he got the kit together. 

"Hold steady." He said as he got ready to stick something up her nose. She made a face of disgust. Yes, most of the time he thought he was already taking care of his firstborn. She just so happened to be the love of his life. 

A friend to all is a friend to none

 Bom wasn't sure how she could fix this. On one hand, it was great to have her step-brother just across the hall in the same apartment building. But she did have her hands full. Sort of. Busy with his little girl Niah and Keanu (who became fast friends). Of course, Joon was pretty blue these days, too. Even if he did find a job that paid better than hers and Brian's combined. He worked at the airport.

Of course, this made Brian a little bitter. He always knew that Joon never liked him anyway. 

"Why is Brian making such a big deal about it?" Ivy was still angry lately. Nothing seemed to calm her.

"Oh, it's just Brian," Bom did her best to smile about it and was happy they were all still employed. Sometimes, it did feel like she was the only one working on being happy. There was a lot she could be mad about, but she wasn't.

It was a wonder that her step-brother would even talk to her. Maybe he wasn't so mad at Brian anymore either. Although, she knew he'd been furious with him ever since Brian got together with Ivy so long ago. And that had already passed. He didn't seem so upset now. Funny, he'd always treated Ivy like a little sister. Of course, their parents had always hoped that Joon and Ivy would have married.

It sounded like a fairytale now. Of course, Ivy hadn't even seen Joon.

"You haven't trained that husband of yours yet?" Ivy gave her the eye as if she better get on the ball with her Brian.

"Oh, he's pretty well trained," she just laughed and went on to work with the kids and the cookie dough. They made shapes. 

Of course, she'd never thought she was like that with Brian. She'd never asked him to do something he didn't want to do. After all, he was rather agreeable.  They'd been friends first. Possibly just on the rebound, but it worked. And she wasn't sure there was anything to fix with Brian. They were after all happy together.

"I'd never know it," Ivy frowned as if she hated Brian and always would. 

"Look, how far you've come," Bom smiled as if she would be positive or else. "You're going to have Dan's baby."

Ivy said nothing but hugged herself.

"Look, you can enjoy this time. You can. You are exactly where you want to be," Bom reminded her that it wouldn't be like it was with Hope. Naturally, Bom took care of Keanu on weekends now. And she made it possible for Ivy to come over to see him. Hopefully, stress-free. Although, Ivy looked as if she wanted to break down and cry.

"What if something goes wrong this time?" It was as if Ivy couldn't quite swallow the bitterness of all this.

"Don't..don't think about it," Suddenly, Bom found herself in tears. She remembered how worried she'd been when Ivy left like she did and how she ended up with Lenny. It felt like something one would have watched on DATELINE now. 

Yet, she knew ruts were hard to get out of. She'd been in one herself. But there were possibilities. They were endless.

in for the long haul

 

Misty wasn't sure how to console Slater. It was hard to talk about certain things with him. Like his family. He never said a word about his mother nor his father. But now he was stoic. Maybe too mad to say anything.

"Possibly, Jay just wants to know the truth about himself, and ....and he wants to take you there, every step of the way," Misty said when she hugged him. They were very still for a moment as if they'd captured their own selfie when in fact their phones were far from them, charging by the bed.

He sighed. She kept holding on to him as if he didn't have to be so angry. It would do no good. Finally, the baby kicked and she knew he could feel it in his gut too. It was now that mattered. Not the past. They both smiled.

"I can't believe Jay's doing this," Slater said as he took a deep breath. "What does he expect to find? This is so not the Jay I know."

"Just because he's your friend, doesn't mean you know everything about him." Misty stretched her neck back and looked up at him.

"He's..he's making me think I know nothing about myself either." He was still sad. Maybe teary-eyed.

"Maybe he's growing up," Misty decided with a nod and went toward the electric kettle when it shut off. She made them tea as if that would help soothe his pain, but instead, he pulled her back and they kissed as if this was the important part. This was how it should be.

She smiled at him after the long kiss as if maybe they were just coming up for air only for a moment. Finally, she went back to the tea.

"I kind of doubt that," Slater said over hot herbal lemon tea. He looked at her with a squint. "About Jay growing up. He's always had a sad way about him. Like, like he was hungry to have his own family because his mother was too busy to make him feel he was really a part of one. I mean, yeah..I was never around my own parents. They were long gone. But there were my aunts and uncles and of course, my grandmother. I never felt left out."

Misty smiled with a nod. She knew he wasn't deprived.

"But..but to think Lindy..and even Lenny..me a part of that family?" Slater shook his head no as if he was no renegade.

"Well, who knows, you might be somebody's pride and joy who never met you," Misty's smile was open. "You know, you're the best thing that's happened to Jay. Don't let him down now. He needs you to be the brother he always wanted."

Slater didn't smile but he gave her a nod as he went back to his tea.

Where do the good days go?

 "Just think about it, will you?" Jay was serious, but Slater would have none of it. He didn't want to look at the old picture that Jay took on his phone.

"That smile," he said. "Is so you."

Slater didn't want to talk about it. There was no use in it. After all, he never knew his father. Why did his friend have to dig up dirt like this? Especially, with Lindy and Lenny's dad.

"You're wrong." Slater was straight lipped. No way in hell would their dad be his dad. It couldn't be. Of course, it was exhausting even thinking about the past. "I've always lived with family."

Of course, there was a lump in his throat and he was on the brink of tears. Why did Jay have to do this to him?

"But you don't know, look at that smile. You have his smile." Jay was certain of it.

"Can't you worry about your own damn Dad?' Slater gave him a soured look and pushed back a tear with the back of his thumb. "Is this the only reason you got together with Lindy?"

Now Jay looked sad, but he didn't fight him on it. "I dunno."

"Forget it, will you. Just be a good dad." Slater went to the kitchen to get them some coffee. It was best to stay well caffeinated on these cold windy days of March. He was doing his best to keep the apartment clean like Misty wanted. She didn't eat meat anymore so he was into roasting veg in the airfryer these days, but it could get messy. Yes, he was the domestic guy that Misty wanted.

"You just don't get it," Jay tensed. "She needs me. Lindy really needs somebody who's going to be there for her. I don't think her Dad knows her at all. It's just.."

"She's family." Slater sighed. "But not your family. It's Lenny's family, dude."

Slater couldn't even imagine being Lenny's brother. Hell, he didn't want to be Lenny's brother.

Keeping the love alive

 

"You weren't expecting anything Irish were you?" That laugh of Lindy's father rang through the house as he poured some moonshine for Jay.

Jay only cleared his throat. So this was the farm that Lindy spoke of.  Far from the city down a few country dirt roads. They'd taken a drive most of the day to get there. Hope wasn't with them so that was a plus.

Jay only nodded with a grin and took a sip. He choked. Thinking this was going to knock his socks off. Even his eyes watered. Lindy was off in the kitchen with her step-mother making supper.

Her father talked about Lindy's mother some. It was how he got his hands on this place.

"Damn me," he shook his head. "I'd only wanted a place of my own and when I met Libby, well..I didn't know about her problems." Evidently, they were mental and she hadn't lasted long in this world.

Frank looked sad about it, but he took another sip of the moonshine and sighed with a smile as if he did remember the good times. 

"Problems?" Jay looked at him trying to figure out the time-line. Frank was a bit of a lover but a fighter too. He'd had some run-ins with the law.

"We didn't get right together like expected." He looked a Jay all serious standing there in the livingroom with practically a  million pictures on the wall. Mostly, of Lindy in various stages of her life.  But he pointed to the picture of him and Lindy's mom from high school.

"She liked to carry this babydoll around, you see." He didn't look directly at Jay as if he knew it was a crazy story from the get-go. It seemed Libby couldn't take care of Lindy. It was as if a light went out of her and she couldn't even talk.  "I wasn't as good as I could have been."

There had been a fight at the feed store where he worked when he was young. He'd put a teenage boy in a coma back then.

"It was Libby who saved me, even if I did have to be in the detention center for a while."

Jay nodded wondering if that was why his mom never kept Lenny/Daniel. She just wanted to give Lenny a better life. 

"You love my Lindy, now don't you?" Frank cracked a smile. Jay's face only tensed as he smiled back nervously.

"Of course, I do." was all he could manage to say.

it's just history

 Jay let Hope stay with Ivy for Christmas even if it was his weekend. He wanted Hope to be there for all the big happenings. Besides, he hadn't done a whole lot for Christmas and yet he'd promised his Mom he'd invite her high school boyfriend's daughter over. She just so happened to work for the same company as he did.

Not that he knew Lindy, but since she didn't have any place to go...

"You mean, it was a blind date Christmas?" Misty had asked later, thinking this girl might be scared. How could she even want to do such a thing? Jay shrugged even now. Evidenty, Lindy didn't think that way.

So it was just dinner, baked chicken with the fixings. Enough for two. She brought no-bake oatmeal cookies and fudge. It was kind of nice and he wasn't really trying to impress her. Besides, they'd talked about home. They'd gone to the same school. Even knew some of the same people. For all he knew, she might have been a long-lost sister. 

He told Misty this. Of course, there was nothing romantic. After all, he drove a forklift and she got sent from one warehouse to another to help out. They hardly knew each other. But she lived alone. He lived alone.

"How long did she stay?" Misty wanted to know.

"I don't know," honestly Misty gave him a fret about it. "Long enough to do the dishes."

"You made her do the dishes?" She made it sound as if it was his fault that she hadn't called.

"No." Jay swelled a frown and a wince. Seriously, this talk with Misty was getting him peeved. "I washed the dishes."

Of course, there was the thought that Lindy was actually family. Family his mother would not speak of. 

And then it finally hit him just why Lindy was so important. Of course, he wouldn't dare tell Misty nor even Slater. Lindy must have been Lenny/Daniel's sister. After all, the only man his mother had ever spoken of was that high school boyfriend of so long ago.

it's in the books now

 

"Well, of course, I called the cops on him," Jay looked at Slater blankly as he held on to the cold bottle of beer that he wasn't sure he could drink.

Slater didn't say much but gave him a nod and told him the place was all his now. He'd moved his things to Misty's.

Jay nodded back, still thinking of Lenny. Why had no one told him?  Lenny was his brother. His mother was still a mystery about it. He finally took a sip of beer.

"You think that was the right thing to do, don't you?" He didn't want to have any doubts about turning his brother in. "Lenny did some terrible things to Ivy and god knows what else..and I was even in jail because of him." He winced, feeling he might as well be a fool's fool. 

Slater didn't say another thing but patted him on the back but then said, "Look, you need to get in the holiday mood. We need a Christmas tree for that baby girl of yours. You want it done right, don't you?" Slater gave him a quick smile as if they needed to move on. After all, it was the holidays.

"You know, our girl Vanna's got a guy staying with her," Slater then shrugged with an easy smile as he took a sip of beer.

"What?" Jay was shocked. "When?"

"Oh, while you were away, you know how it is, some come out and play." Slater bit the corner of his lip to keep from laughing. "I think they might even like each other, but you know Vanna wouldn't dare let it show."

Slater went to get the crunchy nachos out of the oven and put some extra pickled jalapeno slices over the melted cheese and taco meat.

"I have a feeling Koda will be good for her," he sighed. "Even if it is puppy love." Slater served up some nachos for Jay on a paper plate.

"And you and Misty make three." Jay shook his head as he bit into a meaty and cheesy chip. "You know, I could see that coming months ago."

"Yeah," Slater took a bite of messy nachos. It was as if he couldn't talk too much about Misty if she wasn't here.

Vanna and Koda rode the train down to Lincoln to pick up the pink KIA. Of course, she reminded herself that this was the first trip they'd taken together. In fact, there had been a lot of first lately for the two of them. In fact, it surprised her that she'd let this fling come this far.

Well, she wanted to call it that. Although, it wasn't like meeting a boy on spring break. Not that she would mention that to Koda. 

"You're being far too quiet," Koda had said on the way. It was an Amtrack ride so it didn't take long. 

"I'm..I'm just not sure what to say to my sister," she'd shrugged. Why was there always some terrible obstacle to get through to have that sweet happiness? Honestly, she needed the car. It was as if she knew she'd have to do something in return.

But it wasn't that way. Her sister was happy to see her. Hugs and all. They went out to lunch and had a bit of a holiday celebration.

"I should have brought presents, I didn't know," Vanna felt out of her element. Her sister always had nice things. Her place was far better than the basement studio apartment.

"I just wanted to see you," Alison was all smiles and apologized for being so busy at the pharmaceutical company where she worked. "There just aren't enough hours in the day." Perhaps she was too tired to question Vanna's relationship with Koda. Vanna guessed she should be thankful, but still, she wondered if her sister was overworked.

"I hope you have a good holiday," Vanna said with a nod.

"So how's our Slater doing?" She then asked with an open smile.

"Oh." Vanna didn't know what to say.

"He's really busy," Koda chimed in as if he knew exactly what to say. "I think  he's seeing someone."

"Really?" Alison smiled, but Vanna knew her sister was a little sad. "Well, good for him." She then mentioned there was someone she used to go to college with who was in town. They had plans for the new year.

Vanna just smiled thinking her sister was from another world. Here Vanna was just slumming with Koda, evidently. But then again, there was the pink car waiting for her.

When the past catches up

 Oh, there had been laughter. It felt as if had been a long time coming. Jay wasn't used to it. Of course, there were tears too, but he knew his mother was happy to see her grand-daughter. Even if it was only on his mobile phone in her hospital room.

"I think she looks a lot like me," she told him as if that was news to him. She went on about their people for a good long while. Although, a lot were gone by now. Even buried in a historical place or so she said.

He didn't know how she had the energy to talk. Sometimes, she'd lose breath. He'd never seen her this way. Oh, she'd been vibrant for so long. She worked in the factory making baby clothes when he was little, later at the Levi place. Of course, she'd been a greeter at Wal-Mart and as of late taken to the casinos.

Yes, she always liked to bet her life away. 

She did not speak of his father. She never did. She spoke of someone she fell in love with back in high school. "Oh, he's starting to look old, you know." She laughed about it now.

Jay only smiled. He didn't talk about being in jail nor how hard it was being a single dad. 

"I just didn't think I'd be so old before you had a kid," She was missing a tooth but she still looked beautiful.

"Sorry about that," Jay nodded sitting near her hospital bed. She'd asked about his first wife (Brian's sister). Did he see her anymore?

"Um, I think she's doing fine," He guessed so. He knew she was with that guy she went to high school with. Of course, they weren't high schoolers anymore. There was a time, he'd planned to be the father of her baby until the very end, but somehow Ivy changed that. 

It was quiet then a knock came to the hospital room. Jay looked up. To his surprise, Lenny was in the doorway.

She was excited. Daniel/Lenny couldn't help but smile, but he knew she was too old now. Too old to be angry with. He cleared his throat.

"Daniel?" His mother's eyes looked him over and she did her best to sit up. "What are  you doing here?"

"Just back for a visit," Lenny nodded with a smile.

"Daniel?" Lenny could see Jay's puzzled look. After all, Daniel always thought his mother had given more thought to his birth name while his little brother was just Jay. Naturally, his brother rose up as if he needed to protect his mother.

"Relax," Lenny went to his mother and she reached to put her arms around him as it was he was tangled in the breathing apparatus she was wearing. 

Jay stood back as if he didn't know what to think. He hugged himself hard. 

Naturally, Lenny came with gifts, a charm necklace with MOM on it, and a couple of rhinestones.

"Oh, you shouldn't have," his mother said. She looked at Jay then as if she really needed to talk to her oldest son in private.

Jay excused himself and said he might need some coffee. He closed the door behind him.

"Son, where have you been," she gasped with troubled eyes. She knew exactly who he was now, but she held on to his hands as if he was always the lost boy she yearned for.

Lenny didn't want to cry. He shook his head no. "It really doesn't matter, does it?"

"I knew you were never that truckdriver's kid," she said as if it was the very last thing she'd say. "How..how did you pull that off?"

Lenny just smiled. "And you never said a damn thing." Warm tears dripped down his face. It was as if Daniel died when the truck driver buried his son along a dirt road. "We all looked alike back then."

Lets don't think too much

 It felt like the fight had happened last year. Honestly, Vanna felt a little woozy. What had Koda done to her?

She took another bite of the savory cheese-grilled sandwich. Maybe Koda put a sedative in the sandwich he'd made, but she believed him now. He was the new short-order cook at the old diner.

Vanna was still just a little shakey. She felt a little sad, perhaps she'd aged (but not in a good way). She really wanted to hate Koda, but she loved his cooking.

"What else can you make me?" She'd missed this kind of comfort food. 

He sort of laughed as he went to clean up. "I could teach you," he told her.

"I don't have time for that." Vanna winced. What was he talking about? Maybe he needed a place to stay. Of course, where would he stay here?

"Of course not." Koda agreed, but it felt good to have a home-cooked meal. 

"Have you planned this all along?" She shot him a look as if he was just a player after all.

"What do you mean?" He looked at her as if he wasn't here to play games with her.

She wanted to hate this gooey mess he'd made for her, but she was still eating. Actually, she'd devoured it and needed another. But he brought her coffee instead and it was better than what she could get at Scooters.

"Are you going to keep me up all night?" Her frown was small. No way could she give in as she sipped the creamed coffee. She looked over at the fridge as he was putting the milk away. It was fully stocked. He came back with his own cup.

"Should I?"

She wanted to roll her eyes. "Are you sure this is all about Lenny?"

Koda did his best to smile as if maybe he truly was a wise-ass after all, yet she knew he wasn't so.

"He's..just..just a scary dude."

"Like how?" She didn't understand.

"He ran away with Jay's woman before. He tried to kill her." Koda knew this much.

"Were you in on it?" She wanted to get the truth.

"Why would I be in on it?" He said he worked at a diner. He was a short-order cook. It was at a truck stop near the Rez. He'd heard things when he worked there.

"Did you know him?"

"No, but he's the gangster type." Koda drew a circle around his coffee mug and his heavy hair fell in his face. "You know, he knows what he wants. He uses people and when he's done he throws them away like fast food left on the highway."

Vanna felt as if her lips were chapped and she'd been through a war of some kind. Still, she'd been mad at the wrong person. A shiver ran through her. God, she hoped she never met this Lenny.

Koda took a sip of coffee.

"Don't go." She found herself saying aloud and he practically spewed coffee on her.

that was then

 "I wonder why she's not answering?" Slater looked at Jay as if he was supposed to keep track of Vanna.

"She, she'd mentioned something about the pumpkin patch," Jay winced as he paced about checking on Hope who was asleep. 

"Why are you so worried about her?" Jay did have other things on his mind. Like Ivy. Was Dan really going to protect her from Lenny?

Of course, Dan told him he'd informed the police. There were more cops patroling their area now. 

Slater looked at him as if Jay should be the one worried, especially about his own life. "Why is Hope even here?"

"Ivy doesn't want to change anything," Jay shrugged as if he wasn't nearly as calm as Slater thought.

"I don't think Lenny is coming for you," Slater was even lipped.

"Right." Jay stared back at Slater as if there was nothing new to know.

"He wants Hope," Slater told him.

"What?" Jay winced hard not even wanting to listen to Slater. A chill of disaster made him slightly shutter, thinking the worst of a horrible home invasion. 

"I wonder why he's like this?" Slater when off to the kitchen and brought Jay a bottle of cold water. Both had stopped drinking for real this time. They had to stay level-headed. 

"Seems like I remember..he was that kid that took all the cookies at the PTA meeting. We were all standing around starved after the tumbling program we performed. But his hands were so dirty, everybody stood around watching him eat. Those were homemade cookies too," he remembered. "We were poor people, you know. That was a treat for all of us." He sighed and hugged himself in thought. "I guess he was worse off than the rest of us."

"Not by much," Jay didn't want to think about the Rez. "I heard he's not even who he says he is."

"What are you talking about? His dad was a truck driver and it was just Lenny and his dad."

"I know." Jay nodded. "It's just he seemed different after the summer he went on the road with his dad. He wasn't the same kid when he came back. He was always a bully, from third grade on."

Slater winced. Jay chugged down his water and tossed it in the recycle bin. He put his hands on hips and said, "Look, I know this is all my fault. I should have never thought he was my friend. He only needed me to take the fall, and obviously, I didn't do that very well."

"What are you planning to do?" Slater's voice hit a pitch that Jay didn't even want to listen to.

"I have to find Vanna," Jay said. "See if she's OK." He was growing restless. He needed to do something.

Under pressure

 

It was a struggle.  Koda had put this off as long as he could. Koda couldn't help but be waiting. 

 He held on to Vanna with all her might. Koda might as well be doing a freaking dance with her as they backed into the livingroom. He just moved with her wailing body. His left hand covered her mouth while he held on tight with his right at her waist.

After all, it wasn't easy going in and out of her place when she wasn't there. He didn't sleep here every night. Only occasionally, and she slept like a log even with the lights on. 

But he'd gotten word from a friend of a friend in a text that Lenny was on the move and possibly in town. He couldn't stand the thought of Lenny thinking that Vanna was Jay's woman. He didn't want her to go missing like that other girl. At least that girl (Ivy) got away, but still, he didn't want it to happen to Vanna.

Koda kept moving with her. She was stronger than she looked. They backed into the back of the couch and took a tumble. At least he fell in a soft space, but she bit into the inside of his middle finger.

"Ow," now he let out a noise. He hated to see if it drew blood as he winced in disgust.

 "Look, I'm trying to help you!" He made an effort to say, but he was still wrestling with her. He couldn't let her get the upper hand or she just might knock him out. So he held on a little tighter.

"Just calm down." He took a deep breath. He felt her body heave as her elbow pressed into his side, as she took a jab with the other elbow for good measure.

"Oh come on," he sighed in pain. "I'm not going to hurt you." He finally let go, hoping for the best because she was on top of him with her fist hammering into his chest.

"You! You nicotine freak'n perv!" She shouted, her knee went right for the gut and another tender place he didn't want to mention. Was he just a casualty of love?

She got up and reached in her back pocket. He figured she might be making a citizen's arrest. She might have handcuffs for all he knew, but she reached for her phone.

Koda set up and grabbed her phone before she could even get in her password.

"Can we talk-" he started. "We..we..we need to hash this out," He sighed as he looked at her as if he were a loyal pup. "OK?" He kept watching to see if she'd punch him again.  "I'm not going to hurt you."

She gave him a wild look. Her hair was a mess, but he held on to her hand before she could slap him.

He pulled her next to him, but he knew she was nervous. He could feel the rush of her heartbeat. His was still ticking as if he'd ran a mile or two.

"You have to stop seeing Jay." His voice was low. He sighed then as if he needed to relax. They both needed to relax. "If Lenny knows you're seeing Jay, you might be next."

"Next?" She was out of breath.

When the time is near

 "I didn't want to bother you about this," Jay started. Although, Ivy was still on the subject of what he was feeding baby Hope, food from the table no less.

She was in a stomp and wouldn't even listen to what he had to say. He was at Ivy and Dan's in the livingroom

"OK, I get it." Jay looked at her wide-eyed and then looked over at Hope in the walker, something he would never do. He thought Hope should figure out to walk on her own. It was too early to just stick her in a baby walker, but he wasn't going to bring it up. Instead, he went to pick her up and she was happy he did.

"This..this is about Lenny."

Finally, Ivy was silent. He could tell she didn't want to talk about him. She would never really tell Jay what happened when she was with him, but he knew if it hadn't been for Ivy, Lenny would have never been arrested and Jay might never be set free.

"Lenny got away."

She stared at him closed mouth and sat down on the couch as if she might be ill.

"A friend told a friend that..that he was out of jail," Jay hugged the baby even more. He certainly didn't want Lenny to do anything to baby Hope nor Ivy. "So..I googled it. He escaped."

Of course, it hadn't been on the news, but then again, he didn't watch the news, and he could see Ivy didn't either.

"I figured he'd do something like that," she barely said under her breath. 

"I know..I know you can't put your life on hold. I don't expect you to. It's just maybe.... maybe I shouldn't have Hope for a while. You know, until this blows over."

"She might be twenty-one, by then." Ivy snapped. She looked at him as if nothing was going to change their world. Not even a renegade like Lenny.

Jay was closed-lipped.

"I didn't let him hurt Hope last time. I won't let him this time either." Even when she said it, he knew her words were nervous.

"I won't stop hating him, Jay." Ivy shook her head no, as she swelled a frown. "I thought he killed you."

A chill ran through Jay. Tears emerged. He didn't know. She'd never talked about Lenny until now and it made Jay cringe. He gave the baby back to Ivy.

Nobody freaking knows

 Vanna knew it was silly, but she thought she'd been smelling things. At her place. Also, when did she eat that much peanut butter? Besides, the peanut butter was for her carrots and she had way too many carrots. Of course, carrots might have been her spirit food. It was actually the only veg she liked. A package of baby carrots carried her through the week. Any time, she felt hungry she went for a carrot and maybe dipped in peanut butter. Of course, she carried around a can of almonds in her bag. Yes, it was the simple life. What more could she need?

But lately...she cringed at the thought. Someone might be in her little studio. How could that be?

In the middle of the night, she swore she could feel someone's presence, but when she switched on the lamp next to her bed. No one was there. Maybe, this was what October felt like, she began to think.

Of course, Brick and Izzy talked of going to haunted houses while she was at work.

"I don't have money for that?" She looked at them both as if that was a waste of time, but they were still giggly and touchy. She could hardly stand to be around them.

There was no sighting of that Koda fellow. It was like he didn't exist. Of course, Slater had given her the twenty questions game about him.

"How should I know," she fretted back. "I only met him that one time." 

After all, it was just a little scare. She said she couldn't even remember what he looked like, but that was a lie. She thought about him, sometimes. She wondered what he was doing. Was he still smoking something..somewhere? 

Oh, she hated the thought that she might like bad boys. And what if the badest wasn't even Koda, but this Lenny fellow that he mentioned. Vanna could tell Jay didn't like Lenny. She wondered what he'd done. Oh, the questions she could ask Slater, but she knew he wouldn't answer them.

Could her life get any more boring? Still, when she looked in her fridge, she couldn't imagine why so many protein shakes were missing.

He was really nice

 "What's up?" Jay asked when he got to the door. He was prepping for a stew while Hope was asleep. Misty was already there making a cake, perhaps.

Jay looked at Vanna who looked a little off. Maybe it was the weather.

"I was going to call," he told her, but then again he didn't want to think she had to show up every Saturday night to have dinner with him and Slater.

She said nothing but stood in the livingroom without even taking off her jacket.

"Did something happen?" He really hoped she would tell him. A few weeks ago, he'd given her a hug before she left. Even then, he thought she might collapse and fall asleep on him. He knew she wasn't quite as confident as she looked. Honestly, he felt a little sad for her, but nothing more.

She shook her head, no. But he knew. He could tell something was bothering her. 

Jay went to get her a soda and Misty talked to her a little to draw her into the dining area near the galley kitchen. Slater wasn't here yet, maybe he could find out what was the matter.

But he was there soon enough with day-old bread and a bag of salad. Naturally, he assured them they all needed to be eating more greens only he was the first to butter his roll when the stew came.

Really, it was the best of times. By then Hope was awake and ready to be part of the party. He put her in the high chair and fed her a little of the mashed up potatoes from the stew. Actually, she loved beans. Especially, refried beans.

Of course, Vanna made over the baby. Hope was good for her. Whatever was bothering her seemed to disappear. Finally, as they were cleaning up, she did say her mother had COVID. She had only learned this in a text. Honestly, she didn't know how her mother was doing.

"Oh no," Misty said and they talked about their mothers for a little while. Evidently, neither trusted their mother, but they loved them anyway.

So Jay guessed this was what was bothering Vanna. He went to clean up Hope. They both watched her move about on the blanket with her toys. Still, he wasn't sure what was really going with Vanna. Usually, she would have left by now. She was a bit flighty, he'd noticed. Like she shouldn't be here after all. As if she'd always be an outsider.

"I know.. it's hard not knowing.." he started.

"Look," she hugged herself. "I..I  couldn't bring it up earlier."

They were alone now.  Slater had gone back to Misty's. Jay winced at her as if he hadn't a clue what this was about. She took a deep breath as she pushed her blond hair past her shoulder. "There's this guy."

Jay nodded, hoping nothing bad had happened to her.

"This guy said he knows you and Slater...from back..at the Rez," she told him. "He..he came to the grocery store."

"Did he say-"

"Koda."

"Koda?" Jay winced more. He hadn't heard that name in a long time. He thought of a kid he used to know. He was a good five years younger than him. He thought. Actually, he didn't ever remember talking to him, but he was always around. "What about him?"

"He..he said Lenny got out of jail."

Jay sucked in a breath. He should have known it was about Lenny. But still, had Lenny sent Koda to tell him the news?

And when Autumn gets to me

 

Vanna could hardly function during her last hour of work. Why had she looked at the text when she did? Suddenly, she felt a little faint as if this couldn't possibly be right. Her mother had COVID.

"Did you get the vaccine?"

Naturally, Vanna rolled her eyes at her mother's question. Of course, she had, months ago. She'd told her mother. 

"I wished I had," she just said in her text. It was such a mystery. Vanna texted back like a speed demon but heard nothing.

Finally, she handed over her cash register duties to the next person on shift and headed for the patio at the side of the store. Immediately, she took a whiff of cigarette smoke as she removed her mask, and it choked her in the cool autumn breeze. She frowned. Just when she needed space and air, somebody had already found it. Only, it was some guy with a heavy head of hair sitting on the picnic table.

She knew he didn't work here. 

"This is for employees only," she informed him, but he didn't budge. Just said he was sorry.

She couldn't help but look at him because after all, he was kind of a looker. Then he looked at her, but he was mute.

If only she could kick him off the table, but she did have a home. Maybe he didn't. Although, she hated to be wrong about him. She kept hugging herself, watching and waiting while he finished his cigarette.

"Where did you get that cigarette?" She was blunt.

"What are you? My mother?" He looked at her as if he knew she couldn't come back with nothing.

Vanna only sighed giving him a fretful glance.

"Thank God, I'm not her." She was straight-lipped as she looked away, thinking how mad she was at her mother. Probably fooling around, traveling god knows where. Actually, Vanna didn't know exactly where she was. They hadn't kept in contact for the last month or so. 

"You wouldn't know this guy.."

"I know a lot of guys," She was being gutsy and ready to beat some sense into him as she bounced back to their conversation.

He laughed slightly and gave her an open smile. Damn, if his teeth weren't perfect. "Well, then..you should know." Again he was back to being a smart mouth as he finished off the butt and flung it to the cement. They both watched it smolder in the sweet autumn air.

Vanna knew she shouldn't wait. She should walk away, but her feet weren't moving.

"There's this guy. Jay. I thought he might be here."

"Jay?" Of course, it could be anyone, but she only thought of who she knew.

"I got some news for him." He looked at her.

"What kind of news?" She wanted to know.

"Not so good news." He got off the table then.

"Look, I don't even know you."

"Well, you did ask." He put the tips of his fingers in the front pockets of his faded jeans.

"Why do you think I would know him?" She looked at him blankly.

"I saw you talking to someone earlier I used to know on the Rez."

"Rez?" She looked at him funny as if he was talking in code. And he shook his head with a smile.

"Just tell the dude, Lenny got out of prison. He'll know." The guy kept his eyes on her.

"Who are you? You mean, Slater?"

"No, this is for Jay. His friend can tell him this. It's that simple." He was as calm as the wind whipped his long hair back so she could get a good look at him.

"But.." Vanna felt light-headed. Not quite herself with him around.

"Just tell him you got news from Koda." He told her.

Vanna did her best to let this digest in her thoughts. "Koda?" She looked back. He was already gone.

one way or another

Brian could think what he wanted about Dan, but Ivy knew him way back in middle school. Actually, it was church. She was sure he'd be a priest by now. He was older but always there to help out when needed. It was like a true blessing when she found out he was a nurse at the hospital

When she told him about everything that had happened with Lenny in the Black Hills and how she wasn't sure living with Brian and Bom was the right thing to do, he told her she could live with him.

True, it felt too good to be happening, but he was an old friend. A very good looking old friend, indeed. But she didn't think she was his type.

"You mean, he's gay?" Brian wanted to know.

"I don't know," Ivy winced at the idea. No way, but who knew. It was a possibility. "He's mom-approved."

Her mother knew him and at the moment her mother was being kind to her, sort of. Although, Ivy knew it was best not to get real chummy with her mom. Perhaps her mother was right about a lot of things, but there was still hate in her heart that her mother was so livid about Jay. Would she even treat Jay's baby as a grandchild?

Ivy didn't even want to think about it. She felt bad enough that she wasn't out in Arizona seeing Jay, but it would be a health hazard and her arm was still in a cast. It felt it would never be over. Mistakes were made and Jay should have been out of prison by now, but he had the virus.

Meanwhile, she looked into getting a job at the hospital. She would be on the phone, but it was work and a well-paying job that gave her insurance. These were all things she needed. She couldn't depend on Brian for everything. She didn't want to depend on Dan for anything either.

"It's just temporary," Ivy told Brian. "I know its best if I keep busy and out of your hair. You and Bom have done so much for me, already. I just..I just want to see Keanu when I can. And, I promise I'll help with expenses."

He shook his head, no. He told her he only wanted her to stay healthy and be a good mother. She was expecting a new baby. "I don't want anything from you," he told her. "You're Keanu's mother and I..I am trying to respect that."

But she could see the pain in his face. She was glad he'd found Bom, who was like a mother and wife wrapped up into one.

"You better marry her," Ivy informed him that he wasn't easy to live with.

"Well, you're no bed of roses, either," He smirked.

Ivy sighed. She couldn't wait to get to Dan's place.

where troubles lead

 It had been a week or so since it happened. Seeing Baxter taken away, Iona couldn't put it out of her mind even if she was being a friendly cashier at Family Fare. 

It was hard to understand what happened to her so-called brother. Maybe she didn't know him at all. Maybe she never did. She'd never tell Micah all the troubles she'd had with him growing up. She didn't want him to know how he'd physically touched her during her youth. Yes, she was far older than anyone knew, but she wouldn't talk about those days.

Those days when he came to her room when she was asleep. She didn't want Micah to know that person and it made her sad to think what she'd learned and how low her self-esteem actually became.

She did her best to go on. To smile, but it was hard when bitter tears kept coming. She felt so bad for Ivy. What had really happened to her?

Thankfully, Bom and Brian took Ivy in. She was with her baby son now. That had to count for something. Also, Lenny and Baxter were in federal custody. She didn't know what all that meant, but it was good to see them locked up.

She wasn't sure what would happen to Baxter's house (his mother's house). She didn't really care.

Of course, her brother Diago was full of questions and she didn't have all the answers. Actually, she didn't want to know all the answers.

But there was Micah by her side. They didn't have much, but they had each other. 

Truly, the last person she ever expected to take her in. Yet he'd been there for her from the start of all this. He didn't like Baxter. In fact, he told her he hated him.

She knew she should hate Baxter too, but he was family. Oh, how she didn't want him to be family.

"You have a brother, and he's letting you live with him," Micah reminded her they were going nowhere. She was Diago's sister, not Baxter's. "We can make a home here."

Iona truly wanted to believe that, but she still had to face the fact she'd never really had a normal life with Baxter.

Turn it around

Ivy remembered how blue she felt the day she was to leave the hospital. Iona and Micah stayed until the bitter end. Even then, Iona tried to hug her but Micah wouldn't let her.

Ivy knew there were a lot of things she needed to be thankful for. She would at least be with Keanu again, even if it was under strange circumstances. So much to get used too now. Like the black mask, she wore over her face made her feel she was Darth Vadar running out of air.

There was a certain sadness that she might never see Jay again who was stranded somewhere in a hospital in Arizona practically comatose. A part of her wondered if she could go on.

And then out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of him, Lenny's right-hand man coming out of a room.  She let out a breath and pointed as if she might have a wand to make him come to her. 

"It's him! That's the one!" If there was anyone who knew where Lenny might be it would be that guy, unmasked yet an unnerving beast who just might be two steps ahead of her. After all, Ivy was in a wheelchair with a broken wrist.

Naturally, Brian looked down at her as if she'd really lost it this time, but Security came and it wasn't just Lenny's boy they took away, but Lenny himself who was in that room with a bad limp.

Later she would learn the FBI were after him. Lord knows what all he'd done. A lot of it she didn't care to know. Except, they needed to free Jay. They'd gotten the wrong guy. But as usual, that would take a slow process and they were short of people due to the pandemic.

Ivy fell asleep in the back seat while Bom drove home like a long distant truck driver. Ivy dreamed of being in a blizzard looking for Jay. She was certain he was frozen out there somewhere, but when she awoke she was in the thick of the humidity of August.