choices

Amanda couldn't get enough of the hummus and chips there in the kitchen. Of course, the chips were stale, but she didn't mind. She was hungry as a horse. She had just taught her last lesson in student teaching. She should be out celebrating, but that was on hold. Everything was on hold.

They were all going to sit down and talk about...the baby. Elliot. Amanda. And Asa.

"Mommy." Rosie's ominous little voice rang through the house.

Amanda slightly groaned. She was a bit miffed with her. She heard Rosie call her name again. She went to see what was going on. Rosie wasn't in the livingroom. Amanda found her in her room drawing a flower. It was black.

"You were a blabber mouth, again." Amanda couldn't help but say. Now Asa knew about the baby. It was just..he didn't know who's it was. He was all over her with happiness and well, she was actually happy Rosie had told him for reasons she would not delve in now. "You have to stop talking so much."

"OK." She wouldn't look at Amanda but Rosie pouted her bottom fat lip. Why had Asa let her watch all those Shirley Temple movies? She'd really taken the little actress' cue even if the movies were in black and white.

"Sweetie, what is it?" Amanda got situated on the bed so Rosie could crawl up in her lap.

"I want a baby." She told her.

"No, you don't." Amanda sighed as she rolled her eyes.

"But I do." Her lips were duck like as she put her little hands on Amanda's stomach. "I want you to have a black baby. That's what they call them, but they're actually brown."

"What?" Amanda looked at her. "I can't. Not this time." Amanda tried to smile.

"I want a black baby, just like Jai."

"Jai?" Amanda winced. "Who? Who is that?"

"My boyfriend." Rosie was pleased to tell her. "He's the best boyfriend in the whole world."

"Is he at the daycare?" It was just down the street.

"Uh-huh." She reached up to take Amanda's hair down that was in a ponytail. Rosie was a little too hyper. Amanda helped her before Rosie hurt her head.

"Well, we'll have to invite him over, some day. But I'm sorry to tell you, the baby will not be black." Amanda played with Rosie's bright auburn curls that fell around her face. Amanda wished all her problems could be this simple. Really, she did have to simplify her life. But how?

piece by piece

Rox was listening to all of Amanda's woes while she was finishing up, folding towels for Amanda's bathroom closet. All that was on Amanda's mind was that job. How she felt she'd been ripped off, somehow. As if she'd been promised a job that plenty of music teachers never coveted until they'd spent almost a decade or so in the district.

"Is that all you can think about?" Rox glared back at Amanda. "You haven't even mentioned Pearl, once." Rox shook her head in disbelief. "How could you even let Elliot have the baby? After all you've been through, with him. Looks like, you'd be worried about her schedule. If she's doing OK. If she had a safe place to stay. If she liked her room. If she's comfortable." Rox stopped. She knew she'd said too much. She could feel the tension in her voice, but she couldn't help to say. "Its all about you, isn't it?"

Amanda swelled a frown and stomped off to the bedroom.

Rox sighed. She went  to check on Rosie and Jai who were off in Rosie's room building something with big LEGOS.

She asked them if they needed anything. They were too busy to even answer. Rox smiled went to the kitchen to wash the dishes left in the sink. She hated that she'd talked this way to Amanda, but she thought Asa was treating her like a China doll. She never had to cook. All she seemed do lately were read those Harlequin romance novels or work on a crossword puzzles, she never seemed to finish anything. Rox had been over every evening to help out. Make sure Rosie had clean clothes or if the groceries had been kept up.

Of course, Rox remembered her own mother. She was never quite sure her mother was that depressed about anything. Although, she was a drug addict and there was alcohol. There were bitter sweet times. And she hated to be a witness to anything like that now. She certainly didn't want her own child to have to grow up that way. Although, she did wish she could give Jai more. But she was sure he was spoiled enough as it was.

Rox suddenly found herself teary-eyed. But she washed the dishes quickly. Just why couldn't Amanda see how much had?

Finally, Amanda came to the kitchen. At least, she was dressed. She didn't have her nose stuck in a paperback, ignoring everyone.

"I'm sorry I said..what I said..." Rox's voice cracked.

"You ..you were right. I know..I really didn't want it to turn out like this. I- want Pearl here. Its, its..work...really, I can't concentrate. I just..have these awful thoughts. Like, I'm going to leave her in the bathtub or, I'll hurt her some way. You know. I don't want it to be that way. I don't. I - I just thought, if I had a few days, to myself." Amanda hugged herself.

"But-but..you're so good with Rosie. How? How-" Rox winced, looking at Amanda as she went to rinse a dish.

"Kyle..just knew what to do." Amanda sort of smiled. "He did everything. Really. I mean, he knew I had to study. And he kept up the pace. Somehow. I totally took advantage of the whole situation. He didn't care about going back to school. And I really didn't think about how I kept him, from having anything normal. Honestly, I didn't know how great he was until..well, I left him." Amanda broke down, sitting in the dining room chair. "How could I've done that to him? Roxie? How come I ruin, everything?"

'You haven't ruined, everything. You just have to stop dwelling on the negative and think positive. Enjoy your baby. Just hold her and talk to her. Let her know, who you are. None of us are perfect." Rox told her. "Hey, and you've a got a job. You're doing something you love to do, Amanda. Remember that."

Amanda nodded, but Rox knew only Amanda would know when the time was right to have Pearl here. It probably wouldn't be today.

staying put

Amanda wasn't sure she heard Kyle's mother correctly.

"Stay over? Tonight?" She just knew it had to be a trick question, but Derrick was over at their cousins, and she was sure Dan was happy to have the house to himself with Dylan. "Sure." Only, Ellie wasn't around. And Kyle had to do some last minute thing at the school even if it was closed.
It was just the two of them.

Amanda felt under the gun, so to speak. Just what did Kyle's mother want from her.

"I've got the guestroom made up. You can stay there." His mother said.

"OK." Amanda smiled as if she couldn't exactly be mad about it, now could she.

"The snow is coming down pretty hard. You don't need to be out in this alone," she said to Amanda then she looked at her stomach, which was a slight bulge. Nothing of the magnitude of that picture Amanda had seen recently on the news of that woman who had had the eight kids. "How are you feeling?"

"Not so bad." Amanda nodded which was true. "You know, small snacks, no major meals and I'm OK. Really."

"Good, you're figuring that out," Kyle's Mom smiled. "I couldn't get enough Sonic mustard burgers when I was pregnant with Kyle's brother, Sam."

"Oh." Amanda had had to listen to several pregnant stories from her Aunts. Usually, they were about deliveries, or when their water broke. It uselessly sent the fear of God in her and she'd start praying on the hour that nothing horrible happened.

Just then someone was coming in from the kitchen door. Amanda was so hoping it was Kyle or even Ellie, but it was neither.

"Speak of the devil," Kyle's mother said. "What are you doing here, Sam?"

"I gotta virus on my computer, and I just wanted to check my bank account." He shrugged, and looked over at Amanda.

"You met Kyle's girlfriend, didn't you?"

Amanda just looked at him as if he were a celebrity of some kind. Jock. No less. His sandy hair was so whispy, and he looked so amazingly fit. Amanda froze. Lord knows, it was painful to think he had to say something to her. She didn't want him too. She'd rather leave the room. Her emotions ran high these days. She could see herself balling her eyes out for no reason.

"I don't think so." Sam looked at her. Amanda hesitated to shake his hand. It was a firm grip too. He was nothing like Kyle, at all. Really, they couldn't have the same father, could they? He was so immaculate.

Amanda quietly excused herself. She felt like laying down. Maybe take a nap in the guestroom. She could read a book, listen to her mp3 player. Something. Anything but have to be with someone so unusually perfect. He was perfect, wasn't he?

Of course, she couldn't listen to her Lady Gaga which always did the trick to make her feel better. Batteries were low. She'd need to charge it up at someones computer. She definitely didn't want to do that.

So she laid on her side and did her best not think about anything much. But then Doyle came to mind. God, why Doyle? He was in choir with her. And he'd been practicing with her on the songs they needed to harmonize more. He'd been all attentive about, more so than usual, she didn't think he even liked choir. But there he was for every rehearsal. Looking at her as if she'd better take the lead. Why did he care?

Just then reality sat back in. Kyle's mother was talking to Sam. She'd been crying, and Sam was consoling her. Amanda's eyes water instantly. It was all her fault. Everything was her fault. Wasn't it?

Amanda laid back down and hugged the pillow next to her. Would it always be bad?

thrifting

Amanda wasn't sure how to bring it up after lunch. After she opted for only soup and salad and no egg roll. Greasy stuff really bothered her, already. She felt like her grandmother having to stay away from so many foods that would make her feel horrible later with indigestion. So she'd watched Ellie eat the sweet and sour chicken and slurp down her very favorite, lo-mien noodles.

"So have you-" What could she ask? Could she ask her about Eric? Or was she seeing Elliot? "I don't guess you've seen Eric."

"No." Ellie was busy pushing through tops of purples and pinks which were Amanda's favorite colors at Good Will. "I guess he's, he's just being Eric. I thought he'd at least talk to me or something."

"Well, he's hurt. He just needs time, you know." Amanda found a top that she loved that was high waisted but still in a small. "God, I wish this would fit."

"Try it on." Ellie took it.

"Yeah, and then you might have to cut me out of it." Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Don't say that," Ellie looked the light yellow top over. It was nice. She held on to it.

"What about Elliot?" Amanda had to ask.

"Elliot? We went out-"

"You went out with him?" Amanda blurted.

"It wasn't a date. Just coffee and ShopKo."

"You went to ShopKo and let him shop lingerie with you , didn't you?" Amanda couldn't help it. Actually, she did need new undies when she thought about it now.

"No." Ellie laughed. "That's when I found the DVDs' for you. It was kind of funny, cause I had him going there for a second. You know, is there something I should know.."

"About you?" Amanda stared at Ellie then.

"No, about maybe I knew somebody at work who was pregnant and maybe he should be worried."

"Disgusting." Amanda scowled. "You think-"

"Don't worry, I'm not having sex with him," Ellie found an actually maternity cardigan in perfect condition then. It was in black and from the Gap. "You are so getting this, Amanda. You could wear this to school."

"You say that, but it could happen." She took the sweater and put it on. It did fit. It was a little big, but she'd definitely grow in to it.

"It won't. All right." Ellie sounds slightly perturbed that Amanda would even think it.

"I hope not."

"So how much longer will you stay at school?"

"Probably until school is out." Amanda hadn't thought about staying home. "I just wish I had a damn uniform that fit."

"Lets go see if they have any," Ellie said.

Amanda really didn't want to. But she followed her to the uniforms. Amanda felt miserable with just the idea that she'd have to be trapped in one, no matter how large it was.

like shattered glass

Amanda sat there in the livingroom at Kyle's parents while Ellie explained about Amber.

"Its unbelievable." Amanda shook her head. She'd counted on Amber for so much. True, she might have said a bad thing about her, here and there, but seriously, she loved having Amber around. Especially, with Rosie. It was such a shock. Even more upsetting to think how Kyle felt.

Of course, it burned deep that she'd done something like this to him, too. But it was different. Just different. She didn't want to be tied down to him and a baby, but that was years ago, it seemed and Rosie was growing up.

Maybe Amanda hadn't changed at all, but Amanda thought in her own little world of discovery... that she had. Now, it was this wake up call that Kyle had been through so much more than Amanda wanted to think about. She felt terribly sad now.

"Is he OK?" Amber looked at Ellie. Asa had drove her over, and he was out helping Lon and Ellie's Dad, shoveling snow out of the driveway and sidewalks.

"I dunno. He was mad. I'm pretty sure he wanted to go beat Roger up, but Lon talked to him and Sam went with him, back to the house." She was holding baby Zoe who was asleep. Amanda wanted to give her some motherly advice.. put that baby down or you are going to regret it. But Amanda knew she was the last person anyone would take motherly advice from.

Just then Rosie ran in and plopped herself on Amanda as if to awake her to reality.

"Daddy did something bad!" Rosie was always a tattle-tale.

"Daddy, did nothing bad?" Amanda pulled a strand of curls away from Rosie's big blueberry eyes. She had cookie crumbs on her chin. Amanda didn't even brush them off. She knew they'd be on her sweater soon enough.

"Yes, he did!" Rosie was getting testy. "He made Annie Am go away." She pouted.

"Nope." Amanda shook her head. "You be nice to him. He's been through enough. Daddy had nothing to do with it. She wanted to go away."

But Rosie shook her head, no. "I love Annie Am." She put her head on Amanda's chest.

Amanda knew she was crushed. According, to Rosie, she'd known Amber all her life. When would Mommy see her sister again? When? She kept insisting just as much as Amanda insisted that Amber wasn't her sister. Rosie still believed Amber was.

around the house

There was no denying it.

Amanda walked in on something with Dan and Dylan in his room. She'd knocked. She'd yelled. She just couldn't take the waiting. And the door was unlocked. And....

She thought she might be sick. She didn't know what to say. She didn't think she'd seen what she thought she'd observed. Amanda didn't think that they even noticed she was there.

Amanda was sure she would have screamed, but she didn't. Instead, she thought she went completely deaf for a moment. Perhaps the horror on her face stayed with her as she walked all the way up the stairs to the livingroom where Derrick was playing his guitar.

"What is it?" Derrick stopped.

"Nothing," Amanda cleared her throat as she was trying to digest the surreal moment of buttocks bare and a leg here and there like a raw wrestling match. Dylan had kept his socks on. She almost laughed. But the shock was still there. That Dan was definitely into Dylan. "I'm OK."

"You don't look OK." Derrick looked at her as if she were ill.

"I was thinking how scared I am," she lied. "Having the baby, you know." She hadn't even thought about birth. Actually.

"Don't be scared. Its a lot like pooping, isn't it?"

Amanda pulled a face of disgust. "Thanks." She couldn't expect him to say anything nice, now could she?

Really, she felt there was nothing to say to anyone anymore. Not at school. Not even at home.

She just wished Dan would have told her. It wasn't that she could hold it against him, but it was Dylan. Why Dylan? What did he see in Dylan? Did he just want to be with someone who could practically make things worse?

But as she sat there, she was wondering if Dan thought the same thing about Kyle. Was he just bringing her down? Were they going nowhere?

This was depressing. This wasn't what she needed. She needed hope. A little warm sunshine. Even. Only it was cloudy and windy and no where letting the snow melt.

She went to the kitchen then. There was always something to clean there. She unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it back up. Amanda felt bad that she needed anything from Dan. Suddenly, she couldn't stop crying, but she didn't stop with the dishes she kept working because it would be here. No matter what.

Finally Dan appeared. Dressed. Thankfully. The electric guitar was going again.

"Derrick!" Dan called for him. He stared at Amanda just a bit.

"What?" Derrick finally stood at the doorway of the galley kitchen.

"You need to start doing stuff around here, or I'm taking that guitar. Now," Dan said a bit bitter.

"What do I have to do?" Derrick was soured on the notion of no guitar. "You know I have to play if I want to get better."

"Just-just start doing what ever Mandy wants you to do." Dan snapped. "Start doing dishes. Will you?"

He looked at Amanda.

"What?" She didn't want to talk to him. She kept rinsing dishes.

"Let him do that."

"Oh, so now you're-" Amanda didn't even want to finish that sentence. She knew he'd rather be with Dylan.

"Sorry, I forgot about the doctor's appointment," he then said.

"It doesn't matter." She squinted as if this was a fine time to bring it up. "You're busy with...with Dylan." Amanda said with disgust.

"I'm sorry."

"Why do you let him take up all your time?"

"I do not." Dan winced.

"When were you going to tell me?" Amanda looked hurt that he'd never actually said he was gay. Never. It was strange even thinking her brother was this way. He'd had girlfriends.

"Tell you what?" He looked at her as if he didn't understand.

"You and Dylan."

"What about him?" Dan squinted more.

She walked down the hallway to the bathroom. He followed.

"You and him." That's all she wanted to say about it.

"And?" He was looking at her as if he didn't need to say another word.

"I know what you are," Amanda said matter of fact as she hugged herself.

"What am I then?" His eyes lit.

"You're gay."

There was a silence. He didn't fight it. But he wouldn't say anything, either.

"You just don't like Dylan." Dan was avoiding the issue.

"You're right, I don't." She stared at him intently. "It has nothing to do with him being gay. He's just useless. He is. And you can't even see it. Can you?"

Dan made a small frown and turned away. She knew she hit a nerve this time.

One! Two! Three! Four!

One!
I'm biting my tongue.
Two!
He's kissin' on you.
Three!
Oh, why can't you see?
One! Two! Three! Four! -black kids

It was cold, but the heat was on in Amanda's car. They were waiting what seemed an eternity for chicken sandwiches from the Burger King drive through. At least they had their drinks. Although, Kyle had it on the tip of his tongue that they should switch seats so he'd look like the driver instead of Amanda.

Yet he couldn't complain much. They had the house all to themselves. Derrick was off with a friend so of course they had to take advantage of that. All that silence. Just couldn't help themselves not to be as loud as possible. Of course, Kyle knew Amanda had to be exaggerating some when she decided to yell out yes what seemed to go on for an epic movie at a certain moment he wished she'd kept quiet. But her laughter and her giggling just made him feel quite right on the status that she definitely enjoyed his company. That moment with Ellie, just a passing thought that didn't mean a thing now.

And now they were hungry. Once they ate, they could go Christmas shopping. They wolfed the sandwiches down quickly. They were ravished.

"Don't buy me anything," she told him right before she pulled into the mall parking lot.

"What? Is this a trick question?" Kyle didn't think she could be serious.

"I don't have any money to really buy you anything. You know, like a video game. I couldn't even buy you a World of Warcraft game card if I wanted." She shrugged.

"I don't need anything, anyway," Kyle told her, holding hands. "Besides I don't even play." He had. He went in bouts. World of Warcraft was just a far away land to him, and it could stay far away.

"I'll make you something," she shrugged as they walked into the colored lights of Christmas.

"Good, then I'll do the same." They walked around in a daze for a good long while. Made a trip through Hot Topic but decided it was all too expensive.

"So how is Ellie?" Amanda looked at Kyle. He didn't know what to say.

"Fine, I guess. I think she and Eric made up. She was with this other guy."

"What? How could she? Eric is the sweetest? Why would she do that?" Amanda questioned.

"Who knows? She says it wasn't like that. She didn't know Eric was going to pick her up and this guy she worked with took quite a while taking her home. She went back to his place."

"Do you believe her?"

"I guess." Kyle would rather not discuss this. "Ellie isn't my favorite person right now, OK. You are."

"Is Eric OK?" Amanda seemed concerned.

"Do you have a crush on him or something?" Kyle looked at her feeling a twinge of guilt for asking.

"No." Amanda rolled her eyes. "Its just, you know, they seemed so into each other and I just wondered." She sighed then. "See I have this friend Liz, who...well, she wants to be my best friend when she has no one else, but as soon as a guy looks at her, goodbye me. Its just nice to be around other couples. I guess." She smiled.

"Yeah." Kyle gave her a quick grin. His fingers intertwined with hers. "So how would you feel if you had a friend who was gay?"

"Gay? Like on Will and Grace?" She winced.

"I guess." Kyle shrugged.

"We don't have gay people at my Catholic school," Amanda said.

"Really?" Kyle bit his lip from laughing. "But there everywhere, Amanda?" He made it sound as if bats were flying overhead and they'd get her as soon as possible.

"Quit making fun of me," Amanda frowned, but she didn't let go of his hand instead she brought her hand up to her chest so he could sense his wrist so close to the real thing. The curve of her bosom just gave him happy thoughts.

"I'm not. I don't mean too. Its just you wouldn't go bonkers or anything if-"

"Just what are you talking about." Amanda snapped, dragging him along to the fountain.'''

Kyle could see a clear shot of Cory from the bench where he sat down at, and he plopped Amanda beside him. Cory was with a guy, and it wasn't Dylan. There was a tickle in Kyle's throat as he watched them down the way. He stared at the skinny guy with the funny hat.

"Just don't lose it, if somebody comes over, you have to act natural," he whispered.

"Natural?" She whispered back. He thought she might bite his ear that time.

Kyle saw Cory walking toward him. His hands in his jean pockets. There was Roger right next to him.

in the middle

It was in the middle of washing dishes that Eric realised 2 things.

1. Syd didn't have any clothes.
2. He hadn't called Amanda.

He wondered if he could perhaps kill two birds with one stone. Well, he hated to think of it that way, but maybe Amanda could help. Of course, Syd was taller than Amanda, but would Amanda really need those maternity clothes in a few weeks? Probably. Bad idea. Don't ask about the clothes. But still....

He'd possibly maxed out his credit card now on air fare. It wouldn't be great  idea to go crazy about new clothes. He thought of Olivia then. She was great at thrifting and DIY projects. Maybe he should call her. No, first he had to call Amanda. See how she was doing so he went right to his cell and finally direct dialed.

"Where have you been?" Amanda asked right away.

Eric smiled, thinking maybe she did care about him, after all. Well, perhaps in an extended family sort of way. He wasn't going to question it.

"I told you I was going to see Syd." He reminded her.

"No, I'm the one who told you, to go see her." She informed him.

"Whatever," he rolled his eyes. "I brought her back home with me."

"You did?" She sounded as if that wasn't the most reasonable thing to do.

"Guess what?" Eric found himself beaming with happiness. Didn't he have a right to be happy?

"I'm afraid to guess." She sounded a tad nervous.

"We're going to have a baby!" He shouted into the phone.

"Oh god! Eric, do you even know if it's yours?" Amanda questioned.

"Hahahahaaaa...that's the funniest question I could possibly hear from you." He couldn't stop grinning. "I'm very sure."

"Just how very sure are you?" Amanda kept those questions coming.

"This is hilarious." He kept smiling.

"No, seriously, Eric, do you really know for sure? Really?" Amanda asked. "I don't want to see you get hurt."

"As if I haven't been hurt enough by you, already!" Now he was getting bitter.

"Is this why you're acting this way?" Amanda kept going.

"What way?"

"You. You're trying to blame this on me, some how." She was in mood too, now.

"What? What would I be blaming you? I'm doing the right thing. I want to be with Syd. I do. Baby or no baby, I want to be with Syd. You want to be with Elliot. God! Just don't make this about you!" He was getting steamed now as she stomped about in the kitchen, yelling in the phone.

Finally, she asked if he wanted to come over to dinner. He guessed they could do that. After all, Syd hadn't met Amanda yet.

afterburn

                                                     We ♥ It
"Did anyone tell you about Olivia?" Syd made small talk with Amanda while she was there with Evan. Syd was doing her best to make the most of the visit. Even though they were pretty much confined to the nursery. Eric stayed in the kitchen.

"What about Olivia?" Amanda looked Syd, a bit indifferent.

"Her Dad's here."

"So."

"Her real Dad." Syd nodded.

"Her dad's a pastor or a missionary, isn't he?" Amanda winced who picked up Evan then.

"Thats what Eric thought, but it seems that's not her real, Dad." Syd thought for a second that this was pure gossip, but still it was an uplifting story. She hoped she made it sound that way. "She's adopted, and-and well, he's here." Syd was all smiles, thinking she might be the worst chicken soup for the soul storyteller ever, but still it was talk. "So are you taking any classes this summer?"

"No." She was solemn about it. "Elliot and I might visit some of his relatives back East."

"That sounds fun." Syd smiled.

"Yeah, he says it'll be our honeymoon." She didn't smile about it.

"Well, good for you two." Syd felt her smile fading.

"Look, you don't have to be nice to me." Amanda glared at her then.

"But, but I want to be. I want us to all get through this, you know. We have to, we have to try. At least for Evan." Syd told her. "I do want to be your friend, Amanda. Lets face it, we'll be seeing each other. A lot."

"Eric just acts like I'm a monster of some kind." Amanda gritted.

"Don't-don't worry about him. It'll take some time. You've been through a lot." Syd told her.

Amanda just frowned and handed over Evan before he could get fussy.

"I don't want to be his mother!" Amanda lasped into tears. "I don't. I don't want to be any-ones mother."

Syd just nodded as Evan grasped her thumb. She stayed still wondering if she had started this, to make Amanda so upset.

"Maybe, next week will be better." Syd remained even lipped.

Amanda shook her head.

"These pills make me feel nothing." Amanda slightly shook. "I don't feel anything, like I did. At least, I felt something. Now I feel nothing."

"Well, you should talk to your doctor." Suddenly, Syd felt like a commercial. She hoped Elliot came soon. She knew it was best not to bring Eric in on this. At the moment.

Syd's thoughts

a quandary

Ellie felt as if she'd been put on the spot. She was wanting to chew her fingernails, but she didn't. She put another quick coat of black nail polish on her fingers. But when she looked at herself in the mirror of her dresser, she thought she as a complete wreck. Her hair was in a messy ball at the nap of her neck and her face was breaking out, sort of.

"Really, you look perfectly fine." Amanda assured her.

"You just think I'm a slut, don't you?" Ellie then blurted. Her lips were so chapped and she couldn't find her lip balm.

Amanda then handed over her fat fruity lip balm stick with "BRATZ" written across it.

"Here, it was cheap at Walgreens, you can have it."

"Thanks." Ellie opened it and spread it on her lips then.

"Look, maybe that's not such a bad idea," Amanda started. "Just dating, you and Elliot."

"But-" Ellie sighed. There was Eric. And she liked being with Eric. Only there was something else they liked doing together better than dating.

"Well, Elliot wants to play it safe," Amanda squinted hard. "He's almost 20. He can't take his chances. It would be really bad if...if he winds up on some pedophile website when he didn't do anything wrong. The other girls he's been with were older. Older than you."

"OK. I know. God, you make me sound like I'm the one who should be in trouble." Ellie couldn't look at Amanda as she slicked another coat on her fingernails.

"You kind of are. And it is Lent, you know. Maybe you shouldn't have sex with Eric."

This time Ellie gave Amanda a look that she'd said too much.

"What if that's the only reason you want to be with Eric?" Amanda kept staring at her.

"What?" Ellie winced.

"Could be, is that all you want your relationship to be about?" Amanda reached for her trusty Mentos gum then and popped one in her mouth. She chewed on it a few minutes and spit it out then in the trash.

"Look, I don't know why we're talking about this?" Ellie gritted.

"You brought it up," Amanda said. "And you know, you can't keep leading Eric on like this. Make up your mind."

"Like you've never had this to happen to you?" Ellie looked at her blankly.

"No, I'm not that lucky," Amanda gave her mock smile. "Boys don't fall all over me, like they do you. Granted, I've had a few mishaps, here and there. I don't regret them. And I know exactly how you feel about the whole sex thing. I do. A part of me just wanted to know what I was missing. A part of me just wanted to take my chances and see what happened, I guess. But I feel thankful that if I had to mess up big time, I'm glad it was with Kyle. I am. I can't explain it, but I feel safe with him. I do. And I don't know where that comes from. I don't know where he gets it." Amanda caught a laugh then.

"You're the lucky one," Ellie hugged herself then.

one of those ordinary days

Amanda was definitely going to put Asa out of her mind. She'd probably never see him that much. Would she?

As it was she was having a slow go of a morning. She was wondering around her bedroom looking for a bra. As it was, she didn't have a shirt on either. Freedom. At last. Why was it she was in a sweat after a shower? It was freezing outside. She went in the hall to see if Elliot had turned up the thermostat. He had. She turned it down to 70. He always wanted it, so hot.

Still no bra. Just in her undies. How did men do it? She thought about going topless for a while. See how long she could do it. It was her house. She looked at the bedroom door that was closed. There was Rosie to think about. And the Avon to deliver. Always something. She winced then as if she never had any time for herself. But was this what she'd do? Just look at herself in the mirror and wonder if her breasts were perky enough. Or would she stare at them, wondering how long it would be until she got breast cancer like her Mom and..and..it was a cold thought then. She needed to get dressed. Now.

The doorbell rang. Amanda panicked. Where in the fuck was her bra? She looked everywhere. She listened. Little patters of feet ran to the door.

"ROSIE! NO! NO!" How many times had she warned her about this? Amanda was getting frantic. All she could find was Elliot's flannel shirt and it was kind of snug. He didn't have breasts to worry about. She ran barefooted to Rosie's room. Of course, she wasn't there. She looked down at her cheap gray yoga pants. At least they were clean.

"MOMMIE!" Rosie yelled back. "MOMMIE!"

Amanda wished the chain on the door was higher. She ran to the livingroom then. Rosie was holding Asa's hand. "Look, Mommie, its my other Uncle boyfriend." She smiled.

"What are you doing here?" She just looked at him, hoping she could get Rosie to do all the talking because really she shouldn't be talking to him. She didn't before. Not really. Just a few 'oh's' and 'uh-huhs'.

"I got a car." He smiled. "You two want to go somewhere?" Naturally, Rosie grabbed both of his hands and jumped up and down. She suggested MacDonalds since it was her favorite place in the whole world best ever to eat.

"Well, then." Asa grinned more. "I guess its a date." He looked at Amanda then at Rosie who had planted her feet on his black round boots. She rocked back and forth as if she were going to keep him in her room if she could.

Amanda hugged herself. She really needed a sweater on. Hopefully, she wouldn't melt in it.

They loaded up soon enough to get to the fast food street.

"Look, its just breakfast, Rosie." Amanda held on to her. Rosie was making a fool of herself, all over Asa.

"I don't care. Hashbrowns! Hashbrowns!" She was all happy about that, squirming out of Amanda's arms to hug Asa.

"And juice." Really, all Amanda  wanted was coffee.

"You sure." Asa got muffins, anyway. "I should have called, but I don't have your number." He then said while Rosie played with the hash browns but soon enough, found someone to play with at the indoor playground.

Amanda didn't know if he meant her number or the house phone. They were getting rid of the house phone. She looked out at the parking lot at his blue Subaru. It was used, but definitely durable for the winter. Why couldn't they have a car that nice? Elliot kept messing around with his crappy L.T.D because it was his first car and sometimes, she did wonder if they'd keep in the garage for good when it expired, completely.

"I gotta find a real job." He told her.

"I don't really have one." But she mentioned the Avon. He told her he'd be happy to help her deliver the products. Amanda didn't want to smile, but she did. He was so sweet and kind. She bet everyone missed him back at the rain forest.

more than make believe

Amanda was a wreck. She had nothing to wear. Really.

"I can't go." She called Kelsey.

"What? You have too. Who will I talk to, if you aren't there?" Kelsey was on the phone with her and had finally found the perfect white off the shoulder dress.

"You have Nick." Amanda told her. She found Charity then who had gotten in to her make up. She just about dropped the phone when she saw her little clown face in her bed. "Charity!" She bellowed.

"What happened? Is she OK?"

"Yes." Amanda frowned as she went to put her makeup back in her case that was all about her bed. "Do you know, she knows how to light up a cigarette? She actually showed me how to hold a joint. Well, we didn't have one, but you know..if the cigarette had been a joint."

"Oh, my god, she needs therapy," Kelsey said.

"Like that's going to happen." Amanda went to get a warm wash cloth from the bathroom to clean her face. "Dylan is suppose to be watching her. But does he do it. No." She came at Charity with the wash cloth who was willing for Amanda to have her way with getting the make up off with cold cream.

"OK, I'm coming over and we are going to find you a prom dress." Kelsey then announced.

"All right." Amanda had doubts about that. She got off the phone then and wrapped her arms around Charity.

"You know, you're a lot prettier without this stuff. You really don't need it. It can eat away at your face over time if you keep getting in to this stuff. Is that what you want?" She told Charity who shook her head.

The baby kicked at Charity then.

"I want a baby," Charity then looked at Amanda's stomach.

"No, you don't." Amanda told her.

"Mommy's gonna have a baby." She said so mysteriously then. Amanda wasn't sure if she meant her real mother or perhaps she was referring to her.

"Lord help us both on that one." Amanda pushed her fingers through Charity's bright hair. At least it was clean now and manageable. She'd so hate to see her grow up so fast. Charity already knew too many things that Amanda hoped she forgot and thought of other helpful things to make the world a better place, instead.

been there all along

Amanda knew she was slow. Getting slower, but she almost had all her Christmas shopping done for Rosie. Finally. She hadn't thought of anyone else. Not even Elliot. Of course, it did bother her that maybe she should get Kyle something. But she didn't know what. And really, she didn't have all that much to give. She'd been so dependent on others, lately. It really was the worst time of year. Naturally, her brothers weren't going to give her anything. They were in their own little worlds. Derrick was in a band now and was very busy with gigs this season. She doubted either of them would manage to come to her wedding. Which was fine. She was fine with that. And her Dad would be in Vegas, avoiding them completely. As usual. Honestly, just thinking about Christmas was depressing. But she was going to use Elliot's credit card and at least get Rosie something good. She deserved it. She was in the toy store wondering just what Rosie would like when she bumped into Kelsey.

"You're the last person I expected to see." Kelsey looked at her as if Amanda might be some sort of celebrity.

"Just some last minute stuff." Amanda shrugged.

"Yeah, me too." Kelsey nodded looking at video games.

"Who are you shopping for?" Amanda asked.

"Kyle, who else?" Kelsey shrugged.

"I thought you broke up?" Amanda winced.

"He's just not talking to me. He's mad at me. He has to pout about it, you know. He'll get over it." Kelsey went on with her shopping.

"I dunno. I think, he..well, he gave me the impression that you two broke up." Amanda told her.

"But we didn't." Kelsey squinted.

"Maybe you two should really talk." Amanda sighed.

"But its Christmas." Kelsey chuckled. "He'll be OK."

"You should call." Amanda nodded.

"He's just being a big baby about all this about Nick. Nick doesn't even care." Kelsey glared at her.

"Have you even talked to him?" Amanda asked about Nick. "He broke up with Heath, you know."

"Who told you that?" Kelsey looked at her.

"Ellie."

"You two are talking?" Kelsey scowled.

"Yes." Amanda found Rosie a tea set then. Really, she had no idea what she would actually like. She was a Daddy's girl, after all.

"I hope it works out with you and Kyle." Amanda managed to say, but she had feeling it was over and Kelsey didn't even know it.

and then

Kelsey was on the phone with Amanda. They'd really picked up a quick friendship which actually shocked her, but really she found herself wanting to talk more with Amanda than any of her friends at school lately.

Amanda had spent a good portion of the phone call venting about her brother and his kid, Charity.

"Really, she's sweet. She is. I feel really bad for her, actually. And well, if she wants to sleep with me, I guess I'll get used to it." Amanda told her.

"Well, just take care of you, you know." Kelsey advised.

"I know, but she keeps calling me Mommie, and I tell her I'm just Auntie. I don't know if it'll stick, but it must be devastating to have her Mom up and leave like that. I guess. But then the more I talk to her, I think she's left Charity a lot. And this is really nothing new to her," Amanda said.

"That's so sad." Kelsey didn't know what else to say.

"So are you ready for Prom?" Amanda moved on.

"Of course, aren't you?"

"We aren't going." Amanda pointed out she didn't go to Kelsey's school, and Kyle was only a Freshman.

"But you could be somebody's guest and Kyle could be Nick's guest, you know. We'll find someone. We will."

"Seriously, I don't need to go," Amanda told her. "What about Ellie? She's going, isn't she? She showed me this dress she got for thirty bucks on clearence at that place she used to work. It was all sparkly and stuff."

"She told Roger it was off. I don't guess she can go with Elliot." Kelsey was trying to look through her sister's closet who was in college at the moment, to see if she could find anything for Prom.

"What? That jerk." Amanda blurted. "I don't know what she sees in him."

"I'm beginning to think he's not good for her." Kelsey agreed.

"You should find her a date." Amanda suggested.

"Like she'd go." Kelsey pulled out hangers of black dresses. All her sister's dresses were black. Kelsey scowled a bit at her find. Not a treasure in sight.

"Well, she doesn't have to know. I'll talk to her. We could just have a group thing, you know. And somebody could just be in the group. Can you think of anyone?"

"Not really. Not anyone at my school." Kelsey put her sister's dresses back in their place. Then she remembered someone "Wait a minute!" It would be perfect. "Ryan's gonna be in town then."

"Who's Ryan?" Amanda said.

"This guy who used to live next to Roger a long time ago. I haven't seen him in when ever. He moved away, and now he wants to go to college around here and well, he has some time to look at colleges."

"OK, looks like we've got someone."

Kelsey smiled. "So you are going then?"

"I guess so."

the concert

It was snowing again and Kyle was out in the drive way shoveling snow and ice. Ellie looked out the window and watched. She was glad it wasn't her out there in the bitter cold. He was hardly dressed for the elements. Just a sweater, some heavy gloves and a black skully, and then of course, snow gear for winter, he hustled to clear the driveway because as he kept saying, "We are going to that concert!"

Ellie was on the phone with Amanda. "No, I'm definitely not wearing a bra to that concert. One less thing to worry about." Actually she had one on under her thermal top. She was taking it off right now. "I'm just wearing my 'peace on earth' shirt and jeans. Its no time to dress up, you know."

Ellie listened to Amanda talk about how there was no way she could get away without wearing a bra. She kept insisting she was getting huge.

"You aren't driving are you?" Ellie wondered. She wished they were going to the concert all together. Instead they were just meeting up there, but she knew Cory wanted to be alone with Roger and Kyle was coming with her and Eric.

"Dan is taking us so I'll be there early. He's working there tonight." Amanda told her. There it was settled. They were going to a concert.

Of course the streets were a mess. The snow plow had barely gone through once ,and it needed to be done again. Eric hadn't gotten there early enough to find a parking spot in the small space next to the old gym where the concert would be. They hadn't had to park blocks away, and Ellie was glad she had Eric to hang on to on the walk there. Naturally, the place was thick with people, but she didn't see Cory nor Roger yet. Naturally, Dylan stuck out like a sore thumb.

His hair was greasy and he looked a bit unkept as if he'd gotten off someone's couch and finally decided to stroll in. Ellie just looked at Eric who acted as if he didn't see Dylan at all. But Kyle started talking nonstop as they edged through the entrance with their tickets.

"What are you doing?" Ellie pulled Kyle aside. "I don't want him around. What about Cory? Roger isn't going to like this."

"How do you know? Its a concert." Kyle fumed, unleashing himself from Ellie's grasp. They finally found Amanda in the crowd. Derrick too. Dylan mingled and then Ellie noticed he was chatting it up with Amanda's older brother, Dan. Ellie then tried not to noticed. She was beginning to think Dylan knew everyone.

Soon Cory and Roger found them near the area where the T-shirts and CDs were sold. They looked happy to see everyone. Until Cory spotted Dylan.

"Its just a concert," Kyle kept reminding everyone as the second band went on and shook things up with naughty lyrics and a children's piano blended with punk noise. People were pumped. Their hometown band was back and everyone was in a good Holiday mood. The noise and the lights and movement made Ellie think she was too old for this. Already. She had to keep excited. Hopefully, no one noticed she was worried about Ben and Lonnie traveling in bad weather they weren't used to. If that wasn't enough. It seemed she had to be reminded that her ID and all were in her jeans pockets. She hadn't taken a purse since there were so many purse snatchings happening lately. If that wasn't enough, a KFC nearby had had a shooting in the parking lot, recently. But here they were stuffed together, watching everyone let go for a while. It was getting hot and sweaty, and she couldn't hear a thing Eric was saying to her. Finally she went to the bathroom with Amanda. Perhaps to escape the noise just a little. Ellie didn't want to dare admit that she was getting a bit of a headache with the cold and then all the body heat.

Amanda looked a little queasy herself.

"You sure you're OK?" Ellie touched her forehead to see if she had a fever, by chance. It was something her mother would do.

"Yeah, I guess so," Amanda said, she was sweaty and tired.

"I don't know if you should have come," Ellie hated to admit. "Well, maybe I shouldn't have. I think I'd rather be in a theater right now eating popcorn. and watching a movie."

About that time, Amanda ran into the stall. And Ellie flinched a bit listening to her throw up.

"You haven't been drinking, have you?" Ellie looked at the ceiling as if someone might give her guidance.

"No." She could barely say, again came the vile sound along with the sickening odor that all was not well.

"Do you want me to get Kyle?" Ellie cringed.

"No."

"We have to get you home." Ellie nodded as soon as Amanda stepped out of the stall and Ellie saw her watery eyes.

"I'm going to be just fine. It just comes and goes, you know." She smiled weakly wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

"I don't know, this doesn't look good." Ellie squinted. "You shouldn't be here."

"I have to." Amanda splashed some water on her face then.

"What do you mean? It comes and goes?" Ellie watched her wash her face. Most of her massacre had smugged now and she looked rather scary, but she did her best to fix it. Really less was

more.

"I dunno," Amanda shrugged. "I think I'm getting sick. Then I'm not. Its just the holidays, I guess. I have to do all this music stuff at school. We have a program every day. I even have to sing at midnight Mass. Its probably my nerves."

"Right." Ellie nodded. "So you feel better?"

"I guess."

They made there way out to the crowd then back to where Kyle and Eric were. It was easy pushing through a forest of sweaty and moving bodies. Ellie looked back, and Amanda wasn't there. She was on laying on the floor unconscious.

can't say no

Amber was doing their laundry at Amanda's. Honestly, she had no idea it would be quite like this. The consequences with that argument with her dad over birth control pills.

"Well, you are taking them, aren't you?" Amanda helped her fold shirts and jeans.

"Yeah." Amber didn't want to talk about it. But Amanda did bring it up.

"So?" Amanda looked at her.

"So what?" Amber winced.

"Have you two even had sex?" Amanda wanted to know.

Amber shot her a look as if it were none of her business.

"We're fine. OK." Enough said. Of course, it would be nice to actually have a vacation somewhere with just Kyle. But she didn't see that happening. As it was, they were at his folks which was not that comfortable. She was not going to have sex there. And if they stayed at Ellie's. They'd be in the livingroom on the futon. As if that would be on the top of her list of MUST HAVE SEX HERE places. At the rate they were going they might be well into their mid twenties before she even got an official engagement ring.

"I'm just saying, there is nothing wrong about waiting." Amanda shrugged.

Amber tried to keep her mouth shut. Really, what would Amanda know about waiting?

"Well, we aren't." Amber lied. She wanted to be just as wise as Amanda. "We haven't." Of course, as it was, it felt like one sleepover after another and there weren't even smore's to crunch on. No eating cereal in bed. It was suppose to be different. She wanted it to be different. She wanted them to find their own place, but that wasn't exactly easy to do when neither of them had a job.

"Look, you know, Rosie can stay here. Charity wants to stay the summer. And you guys, just do whatever it takes. OK." Amanda told her. She went to get some extra detergent and softener then. "Take this with you. You might need it."

"Thanks." Amber knew beggars couldn't be choosers.

"I've got a whole bunch of Quaker cereals and stuff upstairs. It was all on sale." Amanda offered then.

Amber followed her. At least they wouldn't starve.

here comes the sun

"What do you mean, you can't go?" Elliot gave Amanda a glare. "I thought we settled this. We'd do this together."

"Well, she has kind of a fever." It really wasn't a real fever Rosie had, but it could be. She had started with some Tylenol, already. Amanda had a pretty good idea when a cold was coming on with Rosie now, and she knew Rosie needed to rest.

"Are you going to Urgent Care?" Elliot looked at the kitchen clock. Amanda did too. He had to go pick up Asa, like ten minutes ago.

"No. She's not that sick yet." Amanda didn't want to say how she didn't want to meet his cousin. "You two go out and have some fun."

"Fine." He frowned. "We'll pick up pizza and come right back here."

"No. You, you show Asa around." She winced. "What kind of name is that, anyway?"

"Biblical." He gave her a glare.

Amanda still wasn't familiar with the name. She guessed they read different bibles. She just knew this would be like pulling teeth. She wasn't going to like him. "Just go."

"Call Mario's Pizza. We'll swing by there and get them." She guessed they were having sort of a fight over Asa, even if Elliot would not admit it. He was being kind of a butthead, she thought.

"OK." He was getting her in a huff. She reached for the kitchen phone then and put in the usual order. 2 with pepperoni, and a cheese. Derrick always had to have his own large pizza. "What would he want?"

"How should I know." Elliot fretted.  Amanda looked him over. Obviously, he didn't want to spend anymore time with Asa, than she did. She put in for a veggie. Just in case he didn't eat meat. But what if he didn't eat cheese, either?

So he left and she felt a little bad that she was being kind of mean. But what if Rosie was getting sick. She went to gather her up from her dolls and held her then. She read her a book. Kept feeling her forehead. She felt fine. So fine she decided to show Amanda all her yoga moves.

"Mommie have you been doing your yoga?" Rosie practically did a split.

"Not as much, as you have." Actually, she had gotten bored with the video quicker than Rosie. And with the cold setting in, possibly more snow to come, Amanda felt fat. She just couldn't help it. She did and Rosie wasn't making her feel much better.

Just then the front door opened and there was Elliot and Asa right behind him with the boxes of pizza.

"Crap." Amanda said under her breath as she got up. She'd meant to set the table and find that box of wine that Elliot had been wanting to open.

"We're here." Elliot gave her a silly smile.

"Oh. uh." She cleared her throat. Why couldn't she say anything when she looked at Asa. She looked at Elliot. They looked like brothers. Asa was shorter, but not by much. She just couldn't stop staring at Asa. What was it about him that was so magnetic? Amanda felt faint. She hadn't felt this way in a very long time. This was not a good sign.

on a night when a 1000 or so other things could have happened

"I heard your Valentines day was awful," Ellie said into her cell to Amanda.

"Yeah, it was sick," she said. "I was sick."

"What are you doing?" Ellie was in her room, hiding perhaps. She hadn't taken any of Elliot's phone calls. It was just a matter of time before he showed up. She supposed.

"Dylan." Amanda sighed. "He's trying to fix my uniform with a T-shirt. I don't think its possible, but he's taking one of my favorite stretchy T's I can't wear anymore, and he's putting it in my skirt so it can expand. Did you know he majored in drama?"

"No."

"Yeah, costuming." She sounded unexcited about it. Like she might stomp his fingers if he got too close to her. "So what's up?"

"Nothing."

"You had a good Valentines day, didn't you?" Amanda asked.

"Sort of." It felt like an invitation to tell her everything. But could she? "God, I don't know what I'm doing with Elliot." Ellie winced then.

"What did you do?"

"Why? Why am I like this?" She bit her lips together then. Still she felt every nerve tense when she thought about it. The whole carriage ride. It felt like an out of body experience now. Like something stupid and coarse and..and it was all her doing.

"I do crazy things too." Amanda sighed. "I think maybe its to escape other things, but then its just one more thing you want to escape from, in the end."

"No, no you're a good girl." Ellie told her.

"Of course I am, ha, I'm pregnant, aren't I?" Amanda laughed.

"But you really really want to be with Kyle, don't you?"

There was a silence then.

"Yeah," Amanda told her. "Sorry, Dylan almost got me with a pin there."

"I don't think I want to be with Elliot," Ellie told her, "but its kind of too late."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You didn't?"

"I did."

"When?" There was a shock in Amanda's voice that made Ellie cringe.

"The carriage ride."

"You, are serious! right?" Ellie would have thought Joe Jonas was on a drinking binge in Vegas by the sound of Amanda's voice. Or maybe it had been Joe Jonas she'd been with.

"Maybe it was just," Ellie didn't know how to explain it. "Revenge sex."

"What's that like?" She could hear Amanda telling Dylan to let go then and the pin pricked her.

"Its really not that great," Ellie sighed. "I kept thinking of somebody else because I know he always said he wanted to do it in a carriage."

"That is totally freaky." Amanda almost laughed. "Are you OK? Are you sure Elliot, didn't-"

"Lets not talk about it." Ellie then said.

"Sure."

Ellie wished she was there helping her with the uniform.

rolling with the flow

"What are you doing here?" Amanda hadn't expected to see Olivia. She so wished Elliot had came with her, but she knew it was best to get Rosie by herself.

"Just, in the neighborhood." Olivia said so calmly. "Picking up something for Roger at his Dad's. He's set on having a big Halloween, and well, he left his wolfman mask at home. Had it since he was twelve."

Amanda didn't believe her, but there she went on with a novel of a lie, just the same.

"So, how you been? Feeling OK?"

"I'm fine." She was closed lip. Really, all she needed to do was take Rosie and get out of here.

"Great," Olivia smiled. "You look great. Really, you do." But her sweetness made Amanda scowl more. Really, she was beginning to hate Olivia quite nicely.

"You're still as skinny as you ever were." Amanda looked at her so unnerving.

"Do you know who I heard from?" Olivia's eyes lit. Amanda really didn't want to know. "Ian," Olivia gave her an open smile. "Eric's little brother. Do you remember him?"

"Not really." And she didn't. Why was she bringing up Eric in such a subtle way?

"He's coming for Thanksgiving." Olivia shrugged. "I guess Eric knows. Don't know if I'll see him or not."

"Well, I don't know him," Amanda wished she'd just shut up.

"I think we just might spend Thanksgiving at Roger's, you know. Isn't it a holiday for friends, anyway?" Olivia hit a nerve. She knew Thanksgiving was all about family. Why did she have to bring this up? "How are the wedding plans coming, Amanda? Thats what is really keeping you so busy, isn't it?"

"A little." Really, it was going to be quite simple. Just a small ceremony with Elliot's folks in the church parlor. Very quaint. She hoped.

"Can we come?" Olivia winced as Amanda edged her way around Rosie, getting her jacket on, ready to go.

"Its not like that. Just for his family." Amanda remained straight lipped.

"You have to let us give you shower, or something?"

Amanda just nodded. She really didn't want to ask anything of anybody.

pink necklace

Some help Dan was. Dylan was the worst as far as Amanda was concerned. Why did she have to be stuck with them? She hated their music. Their whispering. Then the yelling.

"God knows what they are doing in there?" She was trying to get the clothes in the wash and fold towels in the livingroom. It was an on going mess. Not much had changed. She was just more tired.

"What?" Derrick was naturally in his own little world with his electric guitar. He was one spoiled little boy as far as Amanda was concerned. She never asked him to do anything. Mom never had. He was her baby. Amanda tensed when she thought of the word baby.

"Just take your clothes, please." She insisted then.

He took his jeans and undies to his room with a bit of angst. She expected as much, but she didn't care.

She heard them going again at it down in the basement. Amanda walked closer to the stairwell in the kitchen.

"She hates me!" It was Dylan. "You're fuck'n sister hates me!"

"Come on, man...." How many times was Dan going to say that? It was getting no one nowhere.

Just then the doorbell rang. They quieted down. Amanda went to answer it. It was Kyle along with Nick and someone Amanda had never met.

Kyle handed over her presents then.

She just let them in and felt as if Nick and this other guy were just watching her. She so wanted to say "BOO!" but she didn't.

"You didn't have too," she shrugged.

"Why not?"

"I dunno." She went off to the kitchen then and put the little boxes on the diningroom table.

Kyle made himself at home. He checked to see what was on the stove. Just some left over vegetable soup.

"What did you have for Christmas?" Kyle looked at Amanda then.

"Just left over pizza from the night before." She shrugged.

"You should have came to my house," he told her.

She felt like ice when he said that.

"Did you talk to your Mom yet?" Kyle asked.

"Sort of," Amanda thought she might suddenly be sick. She sat down at the table then and just started ripping the packages open then without asking. "I don't know if she was even listening to me."

"Well, you tried," Kyle nodded. "You need to tell your Dad?"

"Why? You haven't told your parents yet?" Amanda winced as she pulled the little box open.

"It really wouldn't do much good to tell my Dad."

"Mine, either, he's never home." She shook her head.

"At least you know where he is," Kyle told her. "We've got Ellie's brother here and his friend Lonnie."

"So that's who that curly headed guy is?" She looked at the necklace then. He got it out of the box and put it around her neck.

"Good old Lonnie," Kyle smiled. He then looked at the necklace around her neck. "It looks good on you."

"Thanks," She got up then to get his booty dolls.

Derrick was entertaining Nick and Lonnie. He even had them jamming with him.

She ran up the stairs then, wishing she hadn't. She had to keep moving or she might fall asleep, but once she found her bed she just wanted to sit there and stare at the crocheted dolls. Kyle found her in her room then. She pulled at the squared shape on the necklace. It broke.

Something so simple made her cry as if it were a bad omen.

Kyle took it. "I'll get you a new chain. A nice chain," he nodded. "Promise." He sat down next to her and held her hand.

Amanda smiled weakly.

"I wish you'd had a better Christmas," Kyle said.

"That's OK." She nodded.

"You gotta know, I want things better for you. I do." He told her putting his arm around her. He kissed the side of her face, and she felt warm again. They kissed then, and it was different. Somehow, but a good different. She hugged him as if she didn't want to let go since so many things were letting go. She didn't want this one thing to fade away too.