I'll cry if I want to

Henry felt a little frustrated with Shan. Actually, he was totally frustrated, but he was trying his best not to be pissed with him.

He looked over at Josie and Ian. She was practically in his lap on the couch. Now that was togetherness, he thought. Why couldn't it be that way with Shan? It was as if Shan went out of his way to do things his way or else. And it was getting to Henry.

Usually, Henry contended with it, because being in a relationship meant compromise. But suddenly, he felt he was doing all the compromising. It was as if, Shan didn't like the way he did things. He didn't like for Henry to have fun, or this was the fact that was surfacing in Henry's head at the moment.

Here he was, all alone at this party.

He looked around at the various fun. There were people with Jello shots. Naturally, Ian and Josie looked as if they were trapped on the couch. Henry got himself a drink. He needed something to take the edge off while he waited for Shan to get his ass in here. He even shocked himself thinking that way. Feeling a bit in a fuss over Shan. He wanted to give him a piece of his mind as he swallowed the cool drink, which burned all the way down.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever talk again after that drink. It even made his eyes burn.

The door finally opened. Finally, he thought. But it wasn't Shan. Some dude who looked really happy to see him. Henry was possibly smiling because he'd handle the Jello shot, or the fact that he could make someone smile that way that wasn't a twelve year old girl in braces.

No, this guy could actually shave.

Before he knew it, this guy was handing him another drink. Henry took it, thinking he really shouldn't. He hoped no one asked him to move because he wasn't sure he could. As it was.. they stood so close. Henry staring at the drink.

His name was Al. He wanted to know Henry's name. Was a guy like Henry in a band?

Henry laughed. Almost dropped the drink, but Al kept him steady.

What a hilarious question. Before he knew it, he'd down that Jello shot and had another. And the smiling continued. He did look for Shan. Where in the hell was he?

Music was thumping from another room. Henry didn't think Shan slipped by. But what if he was where the music was playing? A few more people poured in toward the drinks. Henry thought he'd move, but he swayed and someone politely caught him. Still smiling.

Henry blinked, he was already feeling kind of dizzy, but not bad. He was OK.

"I don't think you're OK." Al held his hand now, and Henry just stared at his hand in his. It was a little funny. He couldn't help but giggle, but then he didn't want this guy to think he was such a novice.

"I'm..I'm really OK." Henry nodded. He looked to the couch. There was no Josie and Ian. How long had he really been standing here? Well, he was pretty close to Al, who now had his arm around him. Henry was leaning on him more than he thought. But Al didn't seem to mind.

Henry felt safe with Al in a dreamy kind of way.

"Hey, you ever tried any of these?" Al asked as he reached in his hoodie pocket. "Its all natural. It won't hurt you. Hell, they can't even trace it in your blood, you know."

"What is it?" Henry winced as Al held out his palm.

"You never had these before?" Al laughed.

Henry shook his head, no.

"You should try them," Al said. "I could get you more."

Henry stared at something that looked like dried up bugs to him.

Henry, shook his head.

"Aw, come on." This guy sounded strange, like he was going to dare him.

"HENRY!" Shan's voice sounded so far away. But Shan was in Henry's face. He peeled the dead bugs from Henry's hand and tossed them on the floor. "He's with me! So back off, asshole!" He shoved Al away.

"What have you been doing?" Shan looked at Henry. "You didn't take any, did you?"

Henry shook his head, no.

"Why do you have to be so mean to me!" Henry broke down as Shan was pushing them through the crowded house, out on to the porch.

"Seriously? That's all you have to say to me?" Shan clung on to him in the cold as Shan was doing his best to get him toward the car. "You've been drinking? Haven't you?"

"So?" Henry was certain now it would have been a beautiful night if Shan hadn't messed it up. However, he got in the car because it was cold, and he didn't feel quite that intoxicated anymore.

Naturally, Shan said nothing.

"Why are you, like this?" Henry was mad as he looked over at Shan who was being his stoic self.

"Why are you, like this?" Shan shot back.

"You, aren't any fun, anymore." Henry informed him.

"You're an idiot... when you..drink too much, or.."

"What?" Henry winced.

"I don't like getting high with you." Shan shrugged.

"You're such an expert on the subject. You, don't even want me to try it. Its OK for you to go do it, but God forbid if I were to mess up your night." Henry rolled his eyes.

"You, did. You wore your mother's underwear." Shan eyeballed him to this fact.

"What? Are we breaking up?" Henry snapped as if he was ready to get out of this car right now even if he hadn't a clue where his coat went too.

"No, I'm not saying that." Shan was in a huff. "I think we need to keep it clean. We did before. We gotta somehow find our way back to that."

Henry stared out the window. The bomb fire was going, but no one was there. He wanted to think Shan knew best, but a part of him was certain Shan would find someone to smoke dope with, and it wouldn't be him.

a screwed up mess

Shan hurried as soon as he got the call from Henry, all breathless. Something was wrong.

"I might have hit, something." He sounded quite tragic.

"Well, where are you?" He knew he drove to Aidan's on his own.

"I might be lost." Henry told him.

"How could, you, be lost?" Aidan only lived three blocks away. Shan bundled up in his parka. He didn't feel the need to drive.

"I dunno." Henry sounded sad, maybe mad at himself. "I started toward home."

"What did you do?" Shan walked into the icy cold. He couldn't find his gloves, and his fingers were losing warmth as he held on to the cell like a lifeline of some sort. Henry could be anywhere.

"I drank a little something." Henry finally admitted.

"They gave you, wine?" Shan squinted hard, thinking Henry's brother would know better, but Audrey might.

"Shhh.."

Shan was sure of it now. Henry was drunk. He could see Henry's car stopped in the road, hardly a block from home. It wasn't even close to a car nor a snowbank. He clicked off his phone and ran to the car that was sitting idle in the middle of the street.

He opened the driver's door. Henry almost fell out.

"Move over." He pushed him to the passenger side and buckled him in. Shan looked around. It was amazing no one was coming. "I'm glad, you called." He knew if he said anything negative it would make things worse. He drove Henry's car down the street and parked it in Henry's driveway.

It was frightening to think Henry could get this drunk on a wine cooler, but then again, he was skinny and new to alcohol.

How could he keep him out of trouble?

Shan started his car back up.

"Where are we going?" Henry looked at him then as if he just got here.

"We gotta sober you up." Shan shrugged as he drove to the nearest diner. "Maybe you need something to eat." He wondered if Henry actually ate any dinner.

"I need to sober up?" Henry looked at him as if that was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

"How much did you have to drink?" Shan asked as he parked in Delia's Diner parking lot.

Henry shook his head.

"You, can't tell anyone about this." Henry looked at him wide eyed.

"Of course, not." Shan lied, but he was definitely going to let Henry's mother know what was up. He helped him get out of the car and walked in with him. He slid Henry into the orange booth while he took the other side. Soon enough, Shan took liberty to order for both of them. Coffee and chili cheese fries.

Henry made a face of disgust. Shan stared at him, thinking if Henry threw up, it might help.

"You, were never like this when your dad was gone." Shan made an observation.

"Mom, doesn't need me anymore." Henry played around with the ice cubes in the little glass of water that the waitress set in front of him.

Shan let out a sigh. This was crazy, he thought.

"Of course, she needs you. You, just need to spend some quality time with your Dad." Shan shrugged. This didn't mean Shan was going to take his own advice. It was like he was doing time at his father's house until it was time for college.

Henry made a face of disgust, but it might not have been about Henry's Dad.

"Want to go to the bathroom?" Shan asked. Henry didn't like the smell of the coffee.

Then the chili cheese fries arrived and Henry scowled even more.

"We'll be right back." Shan told the waitress as he practically carried Henry to the bathroom. Hopefully, Henry would hate wine after this, and maybe chili cheese fries too.

My universe will never be the same

Henry was for a loss of words as he gazed back at Shan. He almost stumped his sneaker and faltered, but Shan grabbed his arm to keep him steady. Yet Henry still felt he might be falling.

"Easy there." Shan's lips curved so, on the ends that maybe it was a smile. Maybe. Before, Henry knew it they were inside his house alone. He ran up the stairs expecting Shan to follow, but he stayed put at the door. So Henry ransacked his place for something. A shirt? Tee-shirt? What if he meant pants too? Henry could hardly think.

"Anything. Anything will do, you know." Shan shouted from downstairs.

"OK." Henry nodded wondering what was he going to do. No, he had not thought this far ahead. It was as if Shan might be miles ahead of him. But then if he really was, he'd be right here in his room, and he wasn't. No, this was good. Just hanging out.

Henry had to remember to breathe. They were hanging out. They hadn't been that close. But it felt like it. Instantly. How could he make the most of now?

Finally, he brought down a nameless black Tee and some flip flops. Things he didn't really wear.

Shan slipped the Tee over his head.

Henry couldn't help but smile. They could wear the same clothes.

"Thanks." Shan's smile was genuine.

Henry supposed they could see the usual places, but Shan knew where the school and the library were. It was going on supper time. Maybe they could swing by where his brother worked. Not that he wanted Aidan to meet him, exactly...yet.

Soon enough they had paper plates of ribs and potato salad and beans on the side.

"I love ribs." Shan looked as if Christmas was waiting for him to devour. And he did. Henry could only watch him eat. It was a beautiful thing. Henry sipped his sweet tea and enjoyed the show.

"My step-mom is vegetarian." He let slip after he licked his fingers. "I don't think I can get used to it."

Henry only nodded.

"So many things I need to do, you know." Shan seemed oblivious to Henry's gawking. "I gotta find a job. I have to do something. But it doesn't  help that my Dad won't let me have my car. He's so weird. Its like they keep thinking I'm a pitbull that might turn on them, any second."

"Why would they think that?" Henry picked at his potato salad.

"I dunno." He rolled his eyes. "I was kind of truant last year, at school. I got in trouble for sneaking back in to the school. All I did was to go home to take a dump. Cause, you know, who wants to do something like that at school? I don't do school restrooms. They're nasty." Of course, the oil from the meat around his lips was a tad funny.

A laugh caught in Henry's throat.

"That was all you did?" Henry got up the nerve to ask.

"Yeah, that was all I did." Shan looked up from his rib with a nod. Henry wasn't so sure he believed him. Henry could see so many things in Shan. Maybe a caveman, or a Samurai boy. Something in the way he moved, Henry couldn't explain it.

No, Shan was certainly not perfect. He smoked on a cigarette he took from his pocket after they were done, outside.

"You don't smoke, do you?" Shan's eyes winced all sexy as he blew smoke to the sky. Henry shook his head, no.

"Good for you. You are definitely a lot stronger than me." He put out the heat of it, after a puff or two. Then slid the cigarette back into the box with the others.

It all ended so soon. They were back at Henry's. Shan pulled off the shirt over his head, there in the car.

"Better give this back to you, before I forget." He was so casual. Even Henry wasn't sure if Shan knew how casual he could be. "Thanks. Thanks for letting me escape my house arrest for a bit. I'm sure I'll get yelled at, but with ribs like that....It was  well.. worth it."

Henry couldn't help but grin as he stared at the clothes between them. Shan opened the cardoor.

"Uh, maybe..maybe I could..you know, help you fill out some applications, or something. If..if you want." Henry wanted to see him again.

"Yeah, sure." Shan smiled, Henry caught a glimpse of his armpit. He really wasn't a hairy beast. Suddenly, Henry felt as if maybe he'd been completely wrong about Shan. He was probably straight, or maybe a wild Indian.

Henry nodded. A little sad. Shan slammed the door shut and walked away. Henry couldn't help but grab the Tee and take a whiff of Shan's scent, like a wild fire on the praire.

"Oh, did I say thank you?" Shan showed up on the driver's side like magic. Leaning so that maybe Henry caught a glimpse of Shan in his low riding cut-offs. "I forget sometimes. But I had a great time. In fact, can't remember a time I had a great time."

"Yeah, well..maybe I'll see you tomorrow." Henry wasn't sure if they were exactly talking in code. He guessed not.

"Yeah, cool. Maybe I'll see you at the library." His thick hair fell around his face. "We could meet up there. I promise, I'll wear shoes. My own clothes." His smile was sly. "I didn't mess up your shirt, did I?"

"No." Henry shook his head. He was definitely not washing it. He wanted to hang on to Shan's scent.

"I swear, I spilled some barbecue sauce on it. Hope it comes out." Shan let go of the car. His thumbs in his belt loops hitching his cut-offs, before they slid down anymore on his long waist. "OK, better go. I'm sure I'm in trouble. I usually am."

"See you, tomorrow." Henry gave a slight wave as Shan was on his way. Henry gritted a smile. He was sure of it now. He did have a thing for bad boys.

least of his worries

The pizza was just the way Henry liked it, thin and crispy. But he insisted they should go dutch because he knew Derrick had so much going on with a play and well... the play.

"No. I'm getting this." Derrick insisted. They'd played a round or two of fussball. The pool tables were busy, and besides, Henry loved fussball. But he let Derrick win most of the games. Just because. He didn't want Derrick to think he was a jerk of some kind. And besides, he sometimes wondered if Derrick thought he got the short end of most things.

For one, Derrick was short. But that didn't stop Derrick from having a certain sort of cool persona. Or at least, in Henry's eyes. And he didn't really see a short, shrimp of a guy, that Derrick spoke of ..about himself. No, Henry found Derrick intriguing, bold and remarkable. Perhaps a pioneer of some sort at school. After all, Derrick was openly gay, but not of the flamboyant nature. Possibly, a little EMO, but not completely. No, Derrick was so Derrick. And it made Henry all the more giddy. Henry was afraid, a little too much. Yet this certain happiness pulsed through him when Derrick was around. And Henry didn't want it to stop. He hoped they were a couple.

"But.." Henry didn't know what to say. He wanted Derrick, all to himself. Here he was so happy to see him, and Derrick hadn't cracked a smile once. He was so serious. Maybe they were exact opposites, and that was the attraction.

Although, Henry didn't think so. Not when he couldn't help but want the best for Derrick. He yearned to spend more time with him.

They played a few more games. It wasn't really that late.

"I don't think my parents are home." Henry finally told Derrick, as if it might be an invitation of some kind. He just wanted to be alone with him. Not here at the pizza place.

"I better not, tonight." Derrick told him he was tired.

"Are you coming down with something?" Henry asked. "I mean, I'd get sick with you..." He gritted then, thinking that was wrong to say. But he would, just to have a little more time with Derrick.

Finally, they got in Derrick's old car. It ran well and that's all that mattered. It was getting colder. Starting to rain.

"I need to talk to you, about something." Derrick's words sounded like a threat to Henry.

"OK." Henry wished he'd spill it, but it was a quiet ride home. Henry was beginning to think the worst. Henry wasn't smiling. Funny, how he'd been so high on Derrick's essence. Now, he was feeling as if he might be getting a sad case of the flu. Henry bit his bottom lip. He felt so low now. How did this happen? His nose was beginning to run. Yes, such a  sick feeling. Even in the pit of his stomach.

"Are you breaking up with me?" Henry's throat hurt when he asked. They made it to his drive way. Derrick shut off the engine.

"It might be best." Derrick was solemn. No expression.

"But why? What did I do?" Instantly, Henry was in tears, as he waited.

"You, didn't do anything." Derrick shook his head. Henry looked over and saw that Derrick was full of sad emotions, too.

"Oh God.." Henry let the tears slip. "You think its just a crush, don't you? But its not. I really think you're..amazing...Am I not serious, enough?"

"You deserve so much better. A lot better than me." Derrick tried to laugh. "You're so tall."

"That's the only reason?" Henry found himself babbling now as he cleared his throat. It was raining harder. Little bits of ice tapped against the roof of the car and covered the windshield. A shiver shot through him, as he hugged himself.

"No." Derrick shook his head.

"Then what is it?" Henry looked at him as if  needed to know, so he'd never do it again. He wanted to make this right.

"I did something. And..and if I were you, I'd be..furious. I dunno how you could even stand to look at me. I wouldn't trust me, you know. Because..because..I don't do things like this. I really don't." Derrick tried to clear his throat. Henry watched Derrick's knuckles go white as he clung on to the stirring wheel.

"OK, so, you're seeing someone in the play. Is that it?" He was thinking that football player who looked  like the blonde guy on Glee. He was a lead player. Which Henry found awful strange, because usually he was kind of a bully to people like Derrick.

Derrick shook his head, no. "Its Josie, she's .." Derrick squinted hard. "She's gonna have a baby, and..and its mine."

Henry suddenly felt he could breathe again.

"Wow." Was all he said.

"She's seeing some college dude now. I mean, we're still friends. Its just ..It was so awful ..when my sister died..you know..and..uh..that's when it happened. I feel so bad, letting everyone down like this...even someone who isn't born yet... Only I'm kind of happy about it too." He wiped the tears from the back of the sleeve of his dark steampunk jacket. "I mean, Josie and me..will never be together, or anything, but I gotta be there for her, you know. And the baby. I want to do the right thing. Some how. I need to find a job." He shook his head, no. "I just can't do this to you. I can't."

"But..I want to be here, for you. Please? I want to be with you. And I would be there, for you, the baby, too. Even Josie." Henry found himself saying. "You can't just be..all alone. I won't let you." He unbuckled his seat belt then, edged closer to Derrick.

It was frigid out. An ice storm. Here they were. So close. Warmth in Henry's grasp. Perhaps the most sloppy kiss ever, but Henry wasn't going anywhere. Neither was Derrick.

Here comes your man

Time was fleeting, and yet Henry felt more alive than ever, thanks to Al.

Audrey was being a real bitch at work. Henry hated to see her. She wouldn't get off his back. So what, if he were late a time or two. She said he was late all the time. It couldn't possibly be true. It couldn't.

But everything seemed so out of whack, lately. School was a bummer. His grades were just not there. And he thought it kind of funny because, it was not where he wanted to be. Because all the fun stuff was with Al and those little pills.

Even Shan was quite boring. And it was the same question all the time. "Where have you been?"

Why did everybody have to know? Why did his business have to be everybody else's? He was just so tired of it. He wanted to go away. Maybe with Al. That was the ticket. They were such good friends. Weren't they?

When Shan showed up, talking about his stupid term paper, Henry just about lost it.

"Is that all I'm good for?" He started. "Is that all I am to you? You're tutor? I thought you knew how to write?" He snapped.

"I do. I just don't type." Shan confessed. He had it written down in a leather bound journal. He didn't believe in research on the Internet. Just how old school was he?

"You came over here... for me to type up your precious paper?" Henry laughed in his face. If Shan had showed him the journal he would have ripped it to shreds.

"Our printer is broken." Shan shrugged. "I feel bad..I haven't been here ..for you..more..but..but all I've been doing lately is work and working on this paper."

Henry swelled a frown. It sounded so pathetic to him, but he guessed Shan showing up was better than nothing. He could quickly slide into the protocol of their usual booty call. Yet, the dance felt a little clumsy when he fell into Shan, expecting a kiss. Instead, he got pushed away.

"I didn't come over here for that." Shan looked annoyed.

"Yeah, right." Henry grabbed the lapel of his jacket and pulled him in. What were they waiting for?

"Henry!" Shan gave him a disgusted frown. "You're Dad's here. No!"

"Don't say no to me!" Henry hit Shan on the shoulder.

"Ow. What was that for?" Shan stared at him as if he didn't think it funny. It couldn't have possibly hurt?

"Because I felt like it." Henry informed him that Shan wasn't exactly fun anymore. Not even for a good laugh. So he hit him again. Harder.

"Oh. So now were fighting?" Shan looked at him as if Henry wasn't all that strong, but Shan didn't lift a finger.

Henry only laughed. Shan wasn't doing anything. So he decided he'd rip that coat off Shan. He hated the old thing. Supposedly, it was an airloom of his grandfather's Army coat. Really, it just had to go. And he almost got it off of him, but not quite.

"What are you doing?" Shan straightened the jacket back on as if he would never be uncool in his very sullen glare. So Henry messed with his hair. He could see Shan growing more annoyed.

"Henry, I don't like this." Shan wasn't smiling.

"You're just a tease, you know that?" Henry's crooked smile held on, as if they'd get to the fun part eventually.

"Yeah, right." Shan was firm on keeping his arms crossed.

"You know I'm the boyfriend." Henry glared at Shan, ever so serious. "And you'll always be the girlfriend." Henry informed him.

"Yeah, well, that doesn't quite do it for me." Shan squinted hard. "NOT A TURN ON." A slip of an uncrossed arm only meant a way for Henry to keep Shan with him. It wasn't quite a headlock, but at least Henry grabbed Shan's arm and wrestled Shan to the floor.

However, it wasn't one of those matches Henry was going to win. Shan might as well have been a snake recoiling. He kicked Henry off of him before Henry had a chance to do anything. By then, Henry knew someone was out of his comfort zone. Shan slipped away with his messenger bag.

There was a certain joy panting through Henry's lungs, watching Shan leave.

where the heart is

Suddenly, it occurred to Derrick. He'd been wrong about all the wrong things. Why was he even worried about things with Henry? It was as if he'd had a brain fog of some kind. Yet, it was very clear to him that he should have been paying attention to a few other things. One of those being Josie.

He saw through the livingroom window that night he was with Henry.. that Josie was with Ian, parked in the driveway. He wanted to stare for a moment, but he thought he heard something, and he better get back to the basement and see if Henry found out anything from his brother's soon to be ex.

"Was that my phone?" Derrick couldn't be sure if it was his or maybe Henry's.

"Yeah." Henry stared at him. No smile. Nothing. In fact, he was holding Derrick's phone.

"Its probably nothing." Derrick edged closer as to take it from him, but Henry held on to his cell. Kept it from his grasp.

"Is there anything, you want to tell me?" Henry was so serious. Soured. Perhaps disgusted. Derrick never saw this side of him.

"I don't think so." Derrick winced  as if he wasn't really ready for some kind of quiz.

"Figured, as much." Henry looked as if he could spit on him. He flung Derrick's phone. Luckily, the bed caught it. "Guess, there was a reason I didn't trust you." Henry's eyes lit. His voice was low.

Derrick avoided Henry's stare. He looked at his cell, but of course, it had gone dark now. Henry turned around his back to Derrick as if it were too late.

"What do you mean?" Derrick squinted even harder as each second grew more uncomfortable with Henry's back to him.

Derrick could see Henry was angry.

"I don't even know why, you, bother." Henry gasped. He was crying.

Derrick touched Henry between the shoulder blades. Henry flinch. "Don't touch me!"

Derrick picked up his blackberry clutch. Not the fanciest of phones, but he saw who'd texted.

"Dorian does this all the time, but I never respond to them. I don't even look at the text." He promised. Derrick guessed he should figure out how to block him. "Nothing is going on. I'm not doing anything behind your back."

Derrick sat down on the bed and waited for Henry to at least sit and listen. "Please, just..just hear me out, if nothing else. Maybe you can block him or whatever." He held  his cell. "You can look through all my texts. I'm not trying to hide anything from you."

Finally Henry plopped down next to him and fixed Dorian number.

"OK," Derrick found it hard to explain now, but it would be wrong if he didn't. "I had sex with Dorian." Derrick gritted a wince. Then he sighed. "But it was last year. When I broke up with Ian. It was the one time. It wasn't something we made a conversation about. And..and it hasn't happened. Since. It won't happen. Because..because I don't want to be some dirty little secret. I don't." Derrick's face swelled with a frown. "Its not like he's going to acknowledge me in the hall at school."

"Did he hurt you?" Henry wanted to know.

"No." Derrick shook his head. "I only did it.. to get back at Ian. I guess. I mean, I didn't tell him. It was... I felt like I had to have sex with someone else ..to get over him. It was stupid, I know. It was wrong." He pushed his fingers over his eyes, burning with tears. "I'm sorry." He caught Henry's gaze out of the corner of his eye. He felt like an emotional wreck as he nursed his bottom lip.

Finally, Henry reached for him. Derrick felt it was Henry decision. Would he stay or Would he go? Yet Derrick closed his eyes as if this was the most wonderful calm he'd ever felt. There were no words needed.

a bad day

Al liked meeting people. The trouble was, figuring out how to control them. He could do it. At least for a little while. And then it ended. He would move on. It was the way he did things.

But Henry, getting out of the car... now that was unexpected. He thought they were buddies. Maybe even the best of friends. He'd help Henry. Then Henry could help him. Simple rules. Wasn't like he had him in shackles or anything. At least not at the moment. It was just common sense.

Here they were in a Korean Grill. Henry on the phone. This was not good. Even worse, the kid split out the back.

"Come on... Seriously." Al winced. He would have to chase after him. This was not the way he liked to start his day, even if it was practically the afternoon. Al took off after Henry.

But once Henry got to the alley, there was no where to go but up.

Now who's the real idiot, thought Al. It was an eight story building and Henry was going to the top of the fire escape. Al did his best to keep up. Al needed Henry. He seriously did.

"Hey, I thought we were partners." Al was out of breath as he reached the top of the metal stairwell.

He couldn't let Henry think of him as anything else, but his best friend in the world. He moved on to the roof where Henry waited. "I thought you wanted us to make some money. I told, you, I'd take care of you. Its just... you've got to do your part."

Henry looked at him confused. A little lost. There on the flat roof top. There was enough space up here for a garden. A little fixing up and it might be party central. It was wide open, and there was Henry near the edge. High above the traffic.

 Maybe Henry was a little fuzzy from all the prescription drugs. Maybe it made him forget things. But he wasn't dumb. Not really. Just a little naive. Al knew Henry liked the attention. After all, he'd followed Henry all the way up here. But Henry waited as if he had all day.

"Look, I got something for you." It was a cocktail of Vicodin, Valium, and Morphine. "You'll be  good as gold." Al cracked a smile as if he just needed to shake the little bag, and Henry would come running. But he didn't.

"I don't want it!" Henry barked back, far too grim for Al's satisfaction.

"You, don't mean that." Al was still his friend. He'd get him down from here, one way or another, as he moved in on Henry. Al put his arm forward with the drugs, but Henry jerked back and pushed Al toward the edge, instead. It wasn't exactly safe up here. Al did not want to look down. "Come on, don't be stupid."

Henry looked at him scared. He snatched the little bag of pills from Al who smiled as if this was the way it was suppose to be. Al wasn't expecting what came next. Henry shoved him hard. Then Al was gone.

into the wild

Shan wished he could talk to Henry all the time. Somehow, it made the day better, knowing he was there. But sometimes, he wasn't sure if he was suppose to have good days.

His Dad was pissed that he wasn't doing band. They'd had an argument over band and why did he go to band camp, anyway?

"See, the only reason I went was because of Lily." He told Henry on their drive to his mother's. "She paid for half of it, anyway. You'd think I was costing them a fortune, by the way he's acting. I mean, I know he's got a new kid. I get that. And she's a girl. And she's his little princess." Shan knew he shouldn't have brought it up. "See, what boring crap I've got to deal with? You, don't need that."

"Its OK." Henry promised, but he kept his eyes on the road.

"I'm really trying, you know." Shan winced. He knew he hadn't done enough. "But, now they've got a problem with me having a job. How can that be wrong? Huh?" He guessed he was talking too much. Just then he remembered his Father's anniversary with his step-mom. "Crap." He squinted hard. "How could I forget that?"

"Forget what?" Henry wanted to know.

"They wanted me to watch Bree-Anna. But I know they don't trust me. I kept thinking my step-mom would find someone else. I gotta work that night." Shan looked out the window.

"How old is she?" Henry looked at him then.

"8. Going on 28." Shan sighed.

"You don't get along?" Henry wondered.

"She's OK. I guess. I don't really know her. She probably thinks they want her to babysit me." Shan sighed thinking he didn't want to be dropped off with a new family. He liked his old one just fine. "Look, I hate ..to..ask you ..to baby sit."

"I could do it." Henry assured him.

"Well, I could get you some passes. You know, take her to a movie at least..so I could..." Shan cleared his throat, what was he thinking? Did he want Henry to think he wanted to see him? He bit into his thumb nail. That would be just crazy. For starters, he didn't date. He remembered then how Lily stressed they should come to the pizza place first. The last thing he needed to do was split up in two cars before he got there. "Lets get pizza."

They met up with Lily and Frankie who were already there. Of course, Lily had to make over Henry like he was a popstar.

"Shan will not shut up about you." She informed Henry. "And now I can see why." She was all giddy. Shan thought he might crumble because his friend was turning this into a real date.

"You know, he's really new at this." Lily let out silly sigh as she looked Henry over.

"Shut up, already." Shan was feeling really uncomfortable now. He kept glaring at her to turn off her charming pixie style.

"You, shut up." She was playful as she sat next to her girlfriend so Henry and Shan would have to squeeze in the other side of the booth. Shan felt he was in a sweat.

"I was so in hopes, you could at least give him some style tips, Henry." Lily smiled at Shan who was waiting for the next horrible thing to come out of her mouth. Shan went ahead and poured root beer from the pitcher. Lily already ordered. A cheese pizza for her and Frankie and the Meat-Eater's delight for Shan. "But I miss, Big Foot here. I guess you've seen his feet." Again, she teased.

Henry's smile was open. Shan kept eyeballing Lily as if she was being the thorn in his side.

"Oh, I know you miss me." She made duck lips as if she might kiss him, but turned to kiss Frankie as if to aggravate Shan.

Luckily, they managed through dinner. Shan kept cramming his mouth full of pizza. Of course, Lily didn't give Henry much room to talk. Instead, she told him stories about Shan, how she got him turned on to "drums" his sophomore year in high school. By the end, Shan felt the only reason Lily liked him to begin with was because he had a reliable car and lived on her street.

Finally it was over and Shan was full of apologies.

"She knows you." Henry grinned as if he enjoyed all her terrible stories.

"I guess so." Shan kept his hands in his pockets, wondering what he should do? Thank Henry with a mad handshake?  They were parked in front of where Shan used to live. No one was home, but his car was parked on the street. It was an old Honda Accord.

"I owe you so much." Shan found himself saying as he stood there by his car. Finally he leaned next to it, thinking he probably needed some time alone with it.

"Don't worry about it." Henry shrugged he leaned next to the car too. It was comfortable being with Henry, but he starred at Henry's sneakers.

"But I do." He tried not to look at him, but he kept finding himself looking at Henry wondering just how to make this happen. "I told someone I had a boyfriend."

"Really? Like your Dad?" Henry smiled.

"No." He sighed. "Of course, not." He didn't want to dare, go there just yet, but he had a feeling his Dad knew. "No, this guy at the movie theater..."

"Oh. Does he work there?" Henry winced as if he might know this someone.

"Yeah." Shan sighed. "But the point is..I dunno if ..If I'm..even.. boyfriend material."

"Well, you might..never know..until..you try." Henry's shoulder edged next to his. Shan didn't want to move. He didn't want to say anything. Yet, he waited. He wasn't sure if it were his place to make the first move.

It was quiet then. A clear sky. Such a warm night. Why was it so hard to make the first move? But he kept his eyes on the stars, and Henry found his lips. Shan couldn't help but to touch his face. To have Henry closer. Maybe his lips twitched. It felt electric, a pulse of its own. Suddenly, he felt reanimated. It was even better than he expected.

just another day

The more Henry thought about Shan being with Fish, the more angry he got. First it was a slow burn. Kind of. He'd try to figure out ..just what did Shan see in such a squirrel of a guy. Fish was practically a nuisance.

Fish wants you to feel sorry for him, Henry began to think. Shan just feels sorry for him.  But there were times, Henry started to wonder where was Shan, who wouldn't pick up his cell. What was Shan doing with Fish. Really?

After awhile it would get the anger burning, boiling mad. Possibly, suck the energy right out of him. Henry really didn't want to accuse Shan of anything, but there was this space and time that was gone. Moments when it should have been the two of them. Not Shan and Fish.

Could Shan possibly be in love with Fish? Henry kept telling himself not to go there. Not to believe it. It couldn't be.

Then he'd have this fear. Shan was talking to Fish about him. That's what this was really about.

So when he saw Fish lagging behind after the bell rang and everyone disappeared to class, Henry took the liberty of snatching him and pulling him in to the boys bathroom.

"What's going on with you and Shan?" Henry looked Fish in the eye. Henry had him pushed against the cool tiled wall. Henry even felt himself shaking inside, but he couldn't fall apart now. He meant business.

"Nothing." Fish was nervous though. All bug-eyed. Henry could see he could make Fish squirm.

"What did he say about me?" Henry glared at Fish as he towered over him. Nobody was coming. After all, Henry locked the door behind them and his forearm was wedged under Fish's chin.

"Nothing." Fish squinted hard grasping for air. "He's crazy about you, man." Fish barely let out. "He loves you!"

Finally, Henry let go. He watched Fish practically shrivel to the floor. He'd brought the kid practically to tears.

Henry couldn't say a word. He felt as if his insides might shake to the surface. Even his skin slightly stung as a cold sweat trickled down his neck. Henry didn't stay in the bathroom long. He hightailed it out of the school as if he needed to leave the scene of the crime.

Before he knew it, sunshine hit his face. Still, he didn't know what he believed anymore. Maybe Fish was a convincing liar. Yet, he felt like the jerk manhandling a cripple. See what Shan did? Immediately, came to mind. This was all Shan's fault. If he could just be honest. If only Shan could communicate. If he could do things the way they should be done.

Henry looked up at the bright blue sky. A few little puffy clouds were about. It was May and all was beautiful, except Henry's love life. Now he frowned, almost in tears as he walked away from the school pushing his bad hair to the side of his face. If only he had a cap or a hoodie, he wanted to be incognito.

Finally, it donned on him that he'd cut class. He was sure if he went back now, he'd end up in the Dean's office where they'd call his parents, and his dad would be here in a matter of minutes. No, he'd keep walking. Maybe the beautiful sunny weather was what he needed. Time to think. Time to figure out what was wrong with his love life with Shan. Was it just getting stale?

It was a lot of work, finding a place they could be free with each other. They could go out, hangout with Josie and Ian and who ever else, as long as they wanted, but it wasn't the same, finding a place to be. Alone. They couldn't at Henry's house, anymore. Certainly not at Shan's.

If there was any little time, then it was rushed and about as romantic as waiting for hot chocolate to microwave.

Now the thought of how far he'd taken it with Fish, stunned him. What was he doing? He still felt himself shaking.  Henry had never done anything like this. It was crazy. Henry's eyes sprung open. He never thought he was capable of crazy until now.

"Hey you," a voice woke him. A nice blue sports car caught up with him. "What are you doing out here, all by your lonesome?" It was Al from Cedric's party.

Henry gazed at him even lipped.  The car stopped.

"Well, get in. I'll take you, anywhere you want to go." Alf grinned.

Henry couldn't help but fill up with laughter. It was the best offer he'd heard all day.

Little snowflakes

Did it really feel like Christmas? The snow that fell was so dry. There wasn't much to shovel out on the drive way.

Leo felt numb. He knew he should say something to Henry. But how could he explain what he knew? He was an idiot. Maybe he was hiding just as many secrets as Henry. Still, being a model, incognito as a female, would be totally ridiculous. He was not a drag queen.

His Mom already had the Christmas tree up. It went up on Thanksgiving night when they got home from his grandparents. Of course, she kept going on about what would she do next year about this time. He probably wouldn't be around to help her put up the fake tree.

He hadn't said much then and she'd asked him what was going on. He told her nothing. And maybe then it wasn't, but now it was. Henry kissed someone.

He went to put the shovel away. While he was in the garage, Henry pulled up in his Mom's car.

"I thought, you weren't suppose to drive." Leo didn't mean to bark, but it was a fact. Henry needed to remember the rules of being an epileptic.

"Yeah, I know..but..but it was an emergency." Henry got out in his black paraka and furry hat as if it was below zero. Snow was dancing about, but not really sticking.

Leo couldn't help to be in a pout, but before he knew it, Henry kissed him as if that was what he'd forgot to do.

"I'm sorry." Henry said.

Still Leo looked at him as if he better fess up.

"I did something. I should have told, you, right away. I dunno..why..why..I'm..like this. Its not what you think. Its not." Henry hugged himself as if he wouldn't dare let himself go inside. They needed to talk. Outside

"I know what you did."

"You do?" Now Henry sounded scared.

"I saw you with Chandler at the library." Leo told him.

Henry stood there with his eyes wide open, bewildered perhaps.

"How? Where were you?" Henry winced.

"I was in disguise." He told him.

"Really?"

Leo nodded.

"Well..I'm really not seeing Chandler. Its just..I don't know what I can tell him. I just..want you to tell him." Henry hugged himself more.

"Me?" Leo looked at him serious. This was not his problem. He sighed.

"We'll do it together." Henry nursed his bottom lip.

"All right." Leo sighed as if he guessed he could be there for the whole conversation. He really didn't want Henry to be accidentally kissing Chandler, again.

"So..so what kind of disguise ..are you talking about?" Henry wanted to know.

"It was stupid. Totally stupid." He was certain he'd never dress up as a girl, again. He told Henry about the time Essie dressed him up and now how he was going to prank Henry. "But, you, didn't even notice me."

"You, were that good, huh?" Henry practically snickered.

"I dunno." Leo shrugged.

"Well, I want to see this." Henry acted as if Leo was keeping a whole other life from him.

"I'm not sure." Leo shook his head, no, but he knew with that gaze of Henry's, he would give in.

Leaving on an airplane

Gage figured he would be alone on this flight to England, but he wasn't.

He was sitting next to Henry. Of course, Gage didn't know what to say. He didn't want to talk to him. He figured Henry didn't want to talk to him, either.

WRONG.

"I can do this. I can very well do this." Henry might as well be talking to himself. "I have to do this."

"OK." Gage barely breathed. "Just..just shut up, dude."

"I know Mom thinks this is all wrong. I mean, I can't just sit around and DO nothing, you know?" Henry informed Gage he was physically fine. They'd reset what ever it was, that was in him and tweeked his meds. Good as new. Now if Gage could just find the switch to turn him off.

Perhaps, it was Gage who felt bad about leaving his actual mother. He didn't want to feel the pain, but he was afraid she wouldn't be here when he got back. It was hard for him to explain that she was important to him, even if Ren was just as important and so was his Dad. And of course, Alec.

He kept studying the baby's photo on his phone.

"I've never been on a airplane before." Henry finally confessed.

"Me, either." Gage sighed. He guessed a part of him thought it was fun, but not nearly as much as it would have been.. if Macy was here with him.

Henry looked out of the passenger window as clouds covered up the ground below and a certain sleepiness set in. Gage could already feel it. He sank back in his seat.

"I figured you'd have been more places." Gage shrugged.

"No, my dad always went places. Like, California, D.C." Henry's voice was calmer now. "I always stayed home. I hoped one day it would be my turn."

"Well...I guess its your lucky day." Gage was so ever straight lipped, not even wanting to imagine the reception he might get when they landed.

"Guess." Henry's voice cracked.

Gage looked at Henry and saw that he was crying.

"Hey, whats wrong?" Gage winced, not sure if he should have asked, but this was going to be a very long flight with a cousin he hardly knew.

"I just don't want to lose my best friend." Henry could barely breathe.

Honestly, Henry had no one he could exactly explain this too. But it was like a sign of some kind when Gage's dad mentioned to his mother about the ticket. His mother was explaining to Gage's Dad that Henry was worried about Josie. Then Gage's Dad reminded Henry's Mom, they were family. They could help each other out.

Honestly, Henry didn't know he would even get the clear to go. At the moment, he wasn't even worried if he had a job or not.

No, this revelation about Josie being his best friend, stuck in his head. It was as if anything was possible. He just didn't know he could feel this kind of joy with a best friend. Deep down, he hoped it was true. He wanted a family with Josie.

"Does that sound lame to you?" Henry wanted to know from Gage now. It was like having a captivated  audience. He guessed. Of course, it felt as if they were scrunched up in a cattle car, being shuttled to a destination across the pond as Ian liked to put it.

Ian was OK with Gage and Henry staying at his house.

"No. Not at all." Gage shook his head. He was so much more understanding than Henry ever imagined. It was good to confide, in someone.

He looked at his cousin, wondering why he'd ever hated him, in the first place. He didn't even know him. Of course, it was fading fast in is head that Vada ever had bad dealings with Gage. It was the past, which felt so fleeting now. Henry just needed to see Josie.

Gage spoke of his mother then. He'd met her. She was actually in town. Something about Carson getting married.

"Huh." Henry didn't know this stuff. He wondered if his mother knew. They were family. "What did she say?" He wanted to know about Gage's mother.

"I think she's sorry. About everything." Gage was straight lipped. Henry thought maybe Gage was sorry about a lot things, too.

"I hope it goes all right, you know, about Alec." Henry found himself saying, not even sure if he could actually hear himself think.

Gage offered him some gum.

Henry didn't want it. What if he swallowed it, during a seizure?

It haunted him. The thought of his body thrashing in the isle of the plane. Instead, sleep set in. He listened to Gage talk a while about how he was going to work at the Black Cat.

"But you want to see Alec, don't you?" Henry thought he asked. Gage needed to see Alec. Not work at a pub.

rock me, again

Shan did not want to feel guilty, but somehow he did. It was the thought of how many things were there to feel guilty about.

1. He couldn't go out of town for Thanksgiving. He had work. He was there when they opened and got off at five so he could make it to Henry's for the big dinner at Henry's parents.

2. He still hadn't gotten rid of the pot. He went all the way to Texas, hoping for one big dreamy night with the ganja that once upon a time made him so happy, but then Henry came along and that changed everything. It was still in his sock drawer. Why hadn't he gotten rid of it? He was certain it was an old ghost to come back to haunt him one day, but his Dad was off with his new family to visit the new in-laws. He had the place all to himself. Sweet. It was a very good feeling to have.

3. He was with Henry now. Somehow he felt stronger, yet there was the reality that came with it. Yes, they'd been together. In fact, he couldn't think of anything better than it being just the two of them. But he wasn't sure if he wanted Henry in his room. It was a pit. He hadn't exactly cleaned it up to make it inviting. After all, there was work and school that made everything a little stressed. And he wasn't at all sure he was exactly the typical girlfriend. He was sloppy. He hadn't even tried to quit smoking even if he told Henry he would. At least try. There was just no time for that.  And there was the thought that he was certain Henry told Josie everything. For all he knew, Henry probably told Audrey too.

At the moment, he felt he was under the gun here. But he was all relaxed, still in his suit and bow tie from the movie theater. At least, he wasn't wearing his name tag.

"Come on, upstairs." Henry hooked his pinkie in to the crook of Shan's thumb. Shan was a bit startled. There were people here. Audrey and Aidan were chatting it up with Milo and his date. There was Milo's son that everyone was just fascinated with. Shan supposed they could slip upstairs for a bit, unnoticed.

"OK." Shan cracked a grin and let Henry lead the way.

Just as he expected, Henry's room was practically a motel room. Although, Henry didn't let him linger long. He got him out of his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt.

"You don't want to mess that suit up." Henry sighed with a grin.

"Oh." So that was it.

Henry kissed him as if this was the start of something. An invitation of some kind.

"Don't think about going home, tonight." Henry sounded as if he had plans.

"Really?" Shan's crooked expression wasn't sure if he knew what to think, especially when Henry tickled his abs. "Are you sure..." He bit a grin, thinking no way could they recap their big camping trip. Of course, they'd never actually been in a bed before.

"Yes, I want you here." Henry set down next to him, after Shan plopped down. It wasn't long until Shan was sprawled out on the bed. Henry was making this pretty impossible to be practical.

He felt more than extremely warm in Henry's presence. How on earth could he go back downstairs now?

"You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?" Shan struggled to push himself up on his elbows, but was in a liplock, instead. The pressure was honestly killing him. Henry was definitely bringing a whole new meaning to Thanksgiving.

such little matters

Leo supposed he'd conquered his fears. Going to a real party.

He thought of the time he'd slipped in and out of that scary party he spotted Henry at, over the spring, before Henry's accident. No one knew he was even there. Except Henry. It had given him a stomach ache. Perhaps it was just the fright. He really thought he'd been an idiot.

Now, it seemed so normal. Being in the company of Henry. They'd gotten Vada home, well before her curfew. All was well. Once again. And here they were drinking coffee at the all night diner. It was enough to keep him up for the rest of the night.

"What would you, have done, if she hadn't wanted to go home?" He questioned Henry as if he wanted to know what a big brother would do in a scenario like this.

"She wouldn't have put me in a predicament like that." Henry shrugged straight lipped as he poured more cream in his coffee.

"Maybe your family should adopt her." Leo stared at Henry intently as if this was serious. As it was, what ever else might be bubbling inside him, was not going to surface.

"I dunno. Wouldn't it be too late, for something like that?" Now Henry looked at Leo as if that were a crazy idea.

"Its never too late. Don't you, think she wants a family? And.. you have a good family." Leo shrugged as he took a sip of coffee.

Henry nodded. Henry's dad recently got on at the big insurance cooperation in the city. He'd been honing in, on his computer skills while working part-time. At least, his dad wouldn't be traveling as much, now.

"You, want a sister." Leo said as if he might be talking in code. But maybe to himself and not to Henry. He was still nervous about seeing Essie at the party, even if she hadn't paid him any mind.

"Yeah, I think you're right. I do." Henry half smiled as if he liked the idea even if that was not exactly on his mind.

"God, " Henry squinted hard and shook his head no. "I want to..ask you something." Henry didn't look at him. He stared at his coffee as if he might know some secret that left Leo clueless.

"What?" Leo was bright eyed. More alert than he intended to be at this hour, as he looked at Henry wondering what it could be.

"Would you, ever consider..." He looked up at Leo. "dating me?"

Leo cleared his throat. The question did make him feel a little woozy. He almost laughed as if that would be completely ridiculous. Maybe it was the idea of hearing that line from his parents. But they weren't here. And it really wouldn't matter in the end. Now would it?

"Sure." His answer was quick before he could even think. Wishing he could say it better. He sipped his black coffee, trying to think on it, for a moment. "What..what would that mean..exactly?"

"It wouldn't be much different, from what we're doing now." Henry shrugged as if it was not a big deal.

Leo nodded. He slightly felt as if he might be losing air. Perhaps even giddy.

"I mean, it would be just us. But..its..its not anything bad. Really. I mean, I really like you, and don't want you thinking..." Henry started. "Its just..I like you, Leo. I really like you. And, well..I know I'm being selfish, but I really think I could be a better boyfriend than..than..,.." Henry gave in, to an almost laugh. "Can you make  me shut up now? "

Leo quickly took his cue and slid in on Henry's side of the table. Henry smiled, and that's when Leo kissed him.

Don't screw me over

Hadn't he had enough change this summer? Henry didn't like the idea of going to band camp. It was almost time for school to be back in session. But everyone at the library was back from vacation and his hours were cut back.

At first he thought they were firing him, but instead Asa told him he needed to do at least one thing this summer that was actually fun. Unfortunately, he couldn't see how fun Band Camp would be, when most of it would be loading and unloading drums for the most part. He hadn't exactly been at drum corp this summer like he should have. Besides, they didn't really need him, but sure enough when he called the director.. the corp missed him terribly.

"Of course, they do." Audrey coaxed, but his brother coaxed more as they sent him on his way at the high school. First he'd get on a bus, travel four hours to a University, stay in a high rise and march his butt off, learning all of Lady Gaga's songs. Marching band always did their best at ruining pop music. At least, Henry thought.

Naturally, it was the same old crowd. Some in coming Freshman girls were all giggly and took over his seat he'd hoped to sleep in. The whole trip was loud. How could he get used to all this, again? He'd been at a place that was total quiet. Audrey did have her loud moments with TV reviews and boy bands, but nothing like this.

Soon enough they were on campus, and he was the last to find out where his room might be, because of all the band stuff to unload. Of course, it was crowded in the dorm lobby. More giggling prevailed. Henry did his best to be his happy self in the midst of it. He was in no hurry to find his room. He'd had enough girl drama to last him a month. Finally, it was just him, but somebody else lingered behind, as if nothing could possibly disturb him.

Of course, all Henry could note, as this guy sat their in his cargo shorts and his cryptic Tee-shirt, was the massive amount of hair in his face. He was reading a book. Henry couldn't help but stare. He wasn't sure what it was about this guy that intrigued him so. Perhaps, Henry just wanted to see his face, but it was practically stuck in R.R. Martin's A DANCE WITH DRAGONS.

"Is it any good?" Henry found himself asking. He wanted at least one look at the guy's face.

"What?" His head shot up, looking Henry in the eye. His thick hair fell around his eyes. Still a mystery, yet so intriguing.

"The book." Henry looked at him blankly.

The lean guy's lips curved up. "You haven't read his fifth book of FIRE AND ICE?"

Henry was caught off guard. Here he'd worked in a library and he hadn't even heard of the series. Henry shook his head.

"You have no idea, what your missing." He pushed a thick lock of hair behind his ear. "Its the best fantasy since LORD OF THE RINGS." He assured him.

"Really?" Henry wasn't sure what he was asking.

"Its like the third time I've read it." His smile was open as if he were glad Henry asked.

"So, you're here for band camp?" Henry asked soon enough before he got caught up in Fire and Ice.

"Yeah," he rolled his eyes as if he wasn't that big on band, as if he had a life. Not just band. He told Henry his name was Shannon, but he didn't shake Henry's hand. They talked a little bit about what they played. Shannon was a drummer too. Henry couldn't help but grin.

Finally, Shannon put his book in his messenger bag.

"Maybe, I'll see you around." He shrugged.

"Maybe." Henry did his best not to grin too much, but he definitely wanted to get to know Shannon, but Shannon paid him no mind, turned and walked directly into the WOMAN'S restroom.

Henry glared. "You're going the wrong way." He said to no one, as he frowned. What did he just see? Shannon had to be a guy. That was a guy he was talking to. He knew. No way, could Shannon be a girl.

bitterness loves company

Henry stuffed another dirty sock in Derrick's dresser while Derrick was contemplating something on his electric guitar. As it was Derrick hadn't lifted one finger to clean his room. It was all Henry's doing. Just a little more vacuuming might help. Henry was ready to vacuum, if Derrick would ever move his feet.

"Why are you doing this now?" Derrick winced hard.

Henry was suddenly getting a clear picture of Derrick. It was as if Derrick wasn't going to do anything to help with the adoption situation.

"I told you," Derrick shot him a look. "Battle of the bands. You and me." He made it sound as if he was going into a one on one fight with Topher. Instead of Topher's band.

"But, its too late. We aren't ready." They should have been practicing months ago. It was so last minute, but Derrick knew a guy and got them in because someone's band broke up, last minute. It was just insane to think they should perform, anywhere.

"We would be, if..if you'd stop cleaning my goddamn room!" Derrick snapped.

Henry winced. He didn't like Derrick's tone.

"You, stop playing that awful Green Day song!" Henry shouted. "Stop being so..so selfish. Do you want something to happen ..where..where you might end up in Foster care, yourself."

That quietened Derrick. He put the electric down. Henry sighed.

"What are you trying to do? You know you count on Asa for everything. Here he is, trying to help even more, and this is the thanks he gets. How can you do this to him? Honestly?" Henry wasn't smiling. He wasn't his happy self. He did want to be here for Derrick, but he didn't like Derrick's attitude.

Of course, Derrick only fumed. He wouldn't talk about it. Henry kept his eye on him. Perhaps Derrick was the most stubborn person he'd ever met, but he was in love with him. He didn't want change anymore than Derrick did. But things were evolving. And it was hard for Henry to guess sometimes, just what Derrick was mad about.

Henry bit his bottom lip, thinking this might be the moment Derrick would be furious with him. He hated this feeling.

"OK." Derrick swelled a frown. "Fine. My room is clean." He shrugged as if he'd cooled down and would put this rockstar thing on hold as he put his guitar away.

"Yeah, because of me." Henry looked at him blankly.

"OK. I'm sorry. Really." Derrick sat on the bed, and patted down a spot. Henry hesitated to sit next to him because as badly as he wanted to kiss Derrick..he knew that was another of Derrick's procrastinating tactics. "Its just, I-I feel as if I have no real say in what happens next..with Josie and the baby." Derrick licked his dry lip. "And..and Topher. You'd think he was so bad ass, but I tell you, I can beat him. We can so do this. You and me." He looked Henry in the eye.

Henry nodded. Maybe they could. But what if they didn't? Derrick took Henry's hand.

"I want to be like you. I do. I want everything to be sunny and happy. You are not like anyone else. I don't want to ruin that for you. I don't." Derrick sighed. "I promise I'll ...I'll be here for Asa. I'll do whatever it takes, but you have to help me with this battle of the bands."

Henry felt Derrick's pulse. He kissed the side of Henry's forehead. Soon Henry forgot what they were even cross about. Wasn't this what he came for, anyway?

how it is

"Are you sure, you really had fun?" Leo looked Henry in the eye. He was sure Henry was bored. Totally. Leo guessed he was very wrong about him. Hoping he'd want to come back to band.

"Yeah, of course I did." Henry was grinning, still keeping him company as they got back in Leo's pickup-truck.

"You, are such an effing liar, Henry." Leo joked. Hopefully, Henry wasn't taking him completely serious. They drove on. There was something at the church. A lot of people from band would be there. He was expected. He guessed.

Leo pulled into the epic parking lot near the youth center.

"We can get some food here." Leo mentioned as he waited for Henry to get out, all by his lonesome. "The heights didn't make you sick, right?" Leo looked back at Henry, thinking maybe the football game wasn't really a good idea.

"It was a little weird." Henry shrugged.

Leo thought he might have to actually carry him down from the stands, about 20 minutes ago. Henry sat there long after the game was over, as if he were glued to the metal bench, but Leo made great strides to get back up in the stands and take Henry by the arm. He'd forgotten how he had trouble with one of his eyes, but now Leo was seeing Henry's balance might not be perfect, either.

"I think its like.. Make Your Own Sundae, in here." Leo asked if he were hungry as he got the door for him.

Slowly, he was getting it. Crowds bothered Henry. At first Leo thought Henry was being rather snooty, but he guessed that wasn't true. Henry was just different now.

"We won't be long." Leo told him. "Ten minutes tops. Then we can go back to my place."

But it was loud inside. And hot. Leo made a dash for the ice cream. He told Henry to stay by the door. Soon enough they were back in the parking lot with cups of ice cream topped with lots of chocolate syrup.

"You, sure we won't get in trouble for this?" Henry asked.

"Hey, they like giving people stuff." Leo assured him it was no big deal. Of course, he could have gone back for seconds. But ice cream did that to him. Leo was ready to go as soon as he wolfed down the ice cream.

"Did you want to go home?" Leo asked. After all he was possibly not good at being a friend. This was not the way he did things. Sure, he usually took his ice cream home with him and usually had a moment with the TV, preferably with his favorite video games.

Henry shrugged.

Well, maybe that meant he wanted to come over. Leo would certainly like someone to see his clean room because that was a rare occasion.

"Are you sure, you're all right?" Leo asked as soon as they got to his room.

Henry nodded while Leo turned on the TV. He wanted to show him Asylum.

"This one scares the shit out of me, but I love it." He couldn't help but laugh. It was his new favorite game.

Naturally, creepy music started the suspense of the game. "You know, why can't we play something like this at halftime?" Leo was serious. "We never do anything new. Never."

He sat in the floor with his back to his bed. Leo made room for Henry. Leo had been waiting for this moment. Someone to play Asylum with.

a certain kinda of sadness

Henry still found himself wishing he knew what he did wrong, when it came to Derrick. He remembered how he'd wanted to buy Derrick a new phone so he wouldn't have to worry about Dorian's phone calls, anymore, but he bought the Android for himself, instead.

He guessed that was selfish now, maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just being selfish with Derrick too. And he cried himself to sleep at night, wondering what he could have done to change things.

Yet he had Audrey and Josie, his very own fan club, he supposed. He did his best not to care what came of Derrick now. Like they said, it was over. It had to be over. How could he stand for a guy who'd hit him? This relationship was doomed. Maybe it really wasn't a relationship. But the emotion hit him like an avalanche, thinking all he'd ever wanted was to be Derrick's boyfriend. And he couldn't even do that.

Still, there was Audrey, all wise and wonderful. And to think now, how wrong he'd been about her. It was funny to him, how everything was evolving. He was beginning to think Audrey might be really good for his brother. Maybe he was becoming attached to something that wasn't even really there with Derrick.

He nursed on plenty of Tootsie-roll pops, and he'd decide he wasn't going to think about Derrick anymore. Since he hadn't called. Hadn't apologized. This kind of sadness was becoming nothingness. Thankfully, there was work to keep him busy. And he was finding a new crowd to hang out with. Mainly, Audrey and Aidan. Sometimes, Josie would drag him along to a movie with her and Ian. Slowly, he guessed everything was fine. Everything would be all right.

But as luck would have it, Derrick showed up at work with a bag of stuff for Henry. and it wasn't a late birthday present.

"I didn't know where else to leave it." Derrick put it on the counter. Henry thought of so many things he was going to say, but he could only stare at him. Nothing purged from his lips.

Derrick was quiet too. All Henry could do was stare, and it bothered him now that he'd never noticed how small Derrick was. Honestly, he felt a little sad for him. But Derrick was in his suit and tie, on the way to work.

"Could..could we just talk?" Derrick wanted to know.

Henry swelled a frown. He didn't think so.

"Why don't you go, outside." Audrey took the grocery bag as if it were a donations.

Henry's eyes widen. What was she trying to do? Stand up for him. Right here? Start a fight?

"You'll need to come to the back with me." Audrey noted as she motioned for Derrick to come with her. She turned to Henry and whispered. "You just need to get this over with. Say, you're finished. You know, closure."

Henry only drew a breath and gritted. He followed them back. She opened the back door, and handed Henry the grocery bag. He took a look inside and saw all the CD mixes he'd given Derrick, the video games and some old soccer socks.

He and Derrick went out back by the dumpster. Audrey locked them out, but Henry had a fob to get back in.

"I know, it won't mean much, but I really wasn't trying to punch you. I wasn't. I wanted to just... hit Ian." Derrick told him as he pushed his curls back behind his ear. "It was totally wrong to hit you. And..and I know you deserve so much better." Derrick shook his head. "I shouldn't have ran away. I dunno why I did. I really don't." He winced then.

"And now what?" Henry looked at him indifferent.

"I should..I should leave you alone." Derrick nodded.

Henry nursed his bottom lips. "So you can treat me like Ian. Like I'm..I'm not even here?" Henry kept staring at Derrick.

"No, we can still be friends." Derrick squinted harder. Henry didn't believe him.

"Did you get back with Dorian?" Henry couldn't help but ask, wondering how different it would be if Derrick hadn't. Would he find it in his heart to forgive Derrick and go back to how it could be?

Derrick wouldn't look at him then. Henry hugged the grocery bag.

"You're better off, you know." Derrick looked out past the dumpster. "Without me."

"Its the sex, isn't it? Its what didn't happen." Henry knew.

"No. Just...I dunno." Derrick sighed as bitter tears tensed in his eyes. "I know, you loved me. You did..it was just.." Derrick gritted. "I dunno if I could..love you..like that."

Henry only looked at him sadly. "God..you can't do anything..alone..can you? If-if Dorian wasn't in the picture, you would have just ..just stayed around, wouldn't you? Until, the real thing came along." Henry hated that he'd figured him out. Derrick was nothing like he thought he knew. Henry dumped the grocery bag in the dumpster and walked past Derrick, leaving him in the hot sun of the afternoon.

He took out his fob and opened the door. The heavy door slammed shut. Henry didn't even waste time to care that he'd locked Derrick outside.

what could it possibly mean

Henry felt as if he were in limbo, of some kind. There was a lot on his mind.

1. he felt really bad that he wasn't there for Josie more. He'd been so excited about a baby shower and all that came with her having a baby, but she hadn't wanted to celebrate anything, and he felt he had to be mellow around her.

2. what was the point of getting Shan a phone? He never texted nor called. He wasn't sure he was even in the friend zone with him. Lately.

"Well, maybe Shan don't do text." Audrey teased about it. But Henry didn't think it funny. Especially, there at the front desk at the library.

"We live on the same street. And I never see him." Henry felt a new all time low. He didn't want to be caught up in Shan's mystery, but he was.

"Hey, you're a good friend. You really are. He knows that." Audrey didn't cheer him much though. He didn't want to be Shan's friend. He couldn't stop thinking about him. But it was clear, Shan wasn't thinking about him. Henry didn't want to be demanding, but it would be nice if he wasn't the one who had to do everything in this maybe relationship. Of course, they hadn't exactly been intimate, anyway. Other than, Shan borrowing his clothes for something he wouldn't tell him about. Now it was as if it were only a passing moment. Maybe even not that. Yet, he hadn't washed the shirt Shan borrowed, from the first time they went out. He kept it in his undie drawer and pulled it out from time to time just to breathe in Shan's scent.

Henry was going to do his best to not think about Shan, and he was, but then Shan showed up at the library.

"Hey," He brought the library book back. It was a few days late, but still within the grace days. "And I told myself I was going to come in..everyday..I probably owe something on it. Sorry." He was even lipped, but gazed at Henry as if something was on his mind. Maybe Henry.

Henry tried not to smile. He wanted to be just as serious as Shan could be.

"I've been really busy." Shan shrugged. "I got that job at the movie theater."

"Really? Why didn't you tell me?" Henry asked.

"Its been kind of a headache. I mean, I've had all these hours, cause people are getting ready for college, or last minute trips. I needed the money." He told him.

"How are you getting there? I could have.."

"God, I didn't want to be a bother. You're friend had her baby, right?" Shan asked.

Henry nodded.

"See, I bet you were even there in the delivery room." Shan's smile was sly.

"No, I was not there." Henry sighed thinking he was more in the way now, than helping. "A guy..I used to see..its his kid."

Shan nodded as if he didn't want to say anymore. Henry got down to the business of the library book. He promised Shan he didn't owe anything.

Shan pushed away from the desk ready to go, but then he leaned in.

"Oh..yeah, there is this thing...I might need your help with." Shan shrugged with a sigh, as if he'd completely forgot, until now.

"Like what?" Henry winced.

"Its kind of a roadtrip." Henry could see Shan was going way out of his way, not for him to dare think it would ever be a date. "I need a ride to get my car."

"How far are we talking about?" Henry wanted to know.

"Not that far. Its just, my dad's being a pain, and he keeps putting me off. But it would make things a lot easier if I had it. Its at my Mom's." He shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal.

"I guess so." Henry wasn't sure what to expect.

"Good, cause my friend Lily wants to meet you." His smile was a little silly which surprised Henry, who had no idea Shan did silly.

Henry bit his bottom lip, wondering what that could mean.

in a galaxy far away

Some called Henry, giraffe boy. He wasn't sure when it happened, but he kind of liked it. He bobbled along on the sunny afternoon with a mission in mind. Vada.

Feeling how the ink spread against his forearm when she wrote her phone number was fresh on his mind like a pleasant tattoo he wouldn't mind getting, again. He couldn't help but smile. The tingly sensation was still with him. But as the blocks wore on, he was afraid he was lost. It took a lot longer to get there than he imagined.

"Where are you?" She texted.

"Somewhere." He figured out to spell and send.

"That's not helping. Tell me what you see." He took a picture and sent it to her. He really did have a cool phone now. Henry wasn't sure how to use it.

"I can't get your photos." Vada texted back. "My phone is a dinosaur."

Henry couldn't help but laugh. Finally, he looked up to see the street name. He texted. She rang right back for him to stay put.

But when he saw her, he wasn't sure he knew her.

"What happened to you?" He looked at her blankly. "You're hair is really weird."

She was with a boy. Henry looked him over.

"Are you two in a movie?" He wasn't sure what was going on.

"No, stupid, its Starwars." The boy looked up at him as if Henry was an idiot.

"Shut up, Cody." Vada snapped. "We're playing Starwars."

"I'm Luke Skywalker." He informed him.

"Oh, well, nice to meet you, Luke." Henry grinned as if maybe he was an imbecile, after all.

"No, he's Cody. He's playing Luke Skywalker." Vada explained the spaceship movie to him. Henry drew a blank. He didn't know what they were talking about.

"He's no Hans Solo." Cody informed Vada on the walk to her house.

Henry still wasn't sure what he was doing. But he couldn't tell Cody to go away, he'd just have to watch and figure it out.

"He's Chewbacca," Cody said as he crossed his arms.

"Who's Chewbacca?" Henry winced as he almost tripped over his red Chuck Taylors.

"Oh, you'd like him." Vada nodded. "Everyone likes Chewy."

"Really? This a trick or something?" Henry winced wondering if he'd ever know the real Vada or not.

"Its a game. Sort of." Vada sighed. "Are you in?" She looked at him.

"Yeah. Sure. Of course, I'm in." He shrugged, but it would be nice to see the movie first. "When can we do that?"

"I dunno." Vada looked at Cody. "We have our English tea party, tomorrow."

"What's that?" Henry tried to keep up with them.

"Its where we have tea and peanutbutter and crackers and talk in British accents." Cody told him.

"Oh, do I need to wear a suit for that?" Henry wanted to know.

"That's a great idea." Vada looked at him as if Henry were amazing.

"Are you kidding me?" Cody made a face. "I'm not wearing a tie." Cody fumed.

"But I have Evy's old prom dress to wear. She swears she'll never ever wear it, again." Vada swelled a frown at Cody. They fussed for quite a while about it. Before Henry knew it, they were doing a fight scene. Of course, Vada had Cody pinned to the ground in no time.

"That was just practice." Vada told Henry who just watched. She was a lot more agile than he realized. He definitely wouldn't want to make her mad.

"Are we at your house, yet?" Henry looked behind him. They were in somebody front yard. But it was such an old house. Suddenly, Henry worried that Vada lived in a big haunted house. Just what had he got himself into?