least of his worries

The pizza was just the way Henry liked it, thin and crispy. But he insisted they should go dutch because he knew Derrick had so much going on with a play and well... the play.

"No. I'm getting this." Derrick insisted. They'd played a round or two of fussball. The pool tables were busy, and besides, Henry loved fussball. But he let Derrick win most of the games. Just because. He didn't want Derrick to think he was a jerk of some kind. And besides, he sometimes wondered if Derrick thought he got the short end of most things.

For one, Derrick was short. But that didn't stop Derrick from having a certain sort of cool persona. Or at least, in Henry's eyes. And he didn't really see a short, shrimp of a guy, that Derrick spoke of ..about himself. No, Henry found Derrick intriguing, bold and remarkable. Perhaps a pioneer of some sort at school. After all, Derrick was openly gay, but not of the flamboyant nature. Possibly, a little EMO, but not completely. No, Derrick was so Derrick. And it made Henry all the more giddy. Henry was afraid, a little too much. Yet this certain happiness pulsed through him when Derrick was around. And Henry didn't want it to stop. He hoped they were a couple.

"But.." Henry didn't know what to say. He wanted Derrick, all to himself. Here he was so happy to see him, and Derrick hadn't cracked a smile once. He was so serious. Maybe they were exact opposites, and that was the attraction.

Although, Henry didn't think so. Not when he couldn't help but want the best for Derrick. He yearned to spend more time with him.

They played a few more games. It wasn't really that late.

"I don't think my parents are home." Henry finally told Derrick, as if it might be an invitation of some kind. He just wanted to be alone with him. Not here at the pizza place.

"I better not, tonight." Derrick told him he was tired.

"Are you coming down with something?" Henry asked. "I mean, I'd get sick with you..." He gritted then, thinking that was wrong to say. But he would, just to have a little more time with Derrick.

Finally, they got in Derrick's old car. It ran well and that's all that mattered. It was getting colder. Starting to rain.

"I need to talk to you, about something." Derrick's words sounded like a threat to Henry.

"OK." Henry wished he'd spill it, but it was a quiet ride home. Henry was beginning to think the worst. Henry wasn't smiling. Funny, how he'd been so high on Derrick's essence. Now, he was feeling as if he might be getting a sad case of the flu. Henry bit his bottom lip. He felt so low now. How did this happen? His nose was beginning to run. Yes, such a  sick feeling. Even in the pit of his stomach.

"Are you breaking up with me?" Henry's throat hurt when he asked. They made it to his drive way. Derrick shut off the engine.

"It might be best." Derrick was solemn. No expression.

"But why? What did I do?" Instantly, Henry was in tears, as he waited.

"You, didn't do anything." Derrick shook his head. Henry looked over and saw that Derrick was full of sad emotions, too.

"Oh God.." Henry let the tears slip. "You think its just a crush, don't you? But its not. I really think you're..amazing...Am I not serious, enough?"

"You deserve so much better. A lot better than me." Derrick tried to laugh. "You're so tall."

"That's the only reason?" Henry found himself babbling now as he cleared his throat. It was raining harder. Little bits of ice tapped against the roof of the car and covered the windshield. A shiver shot through him, as he hugged himself.

"No." Derrick shook his head.

"Then what is it?" Henry looked at him as if  needed to know, so he'd never do it again. He wanted to make this right.

"I did something. And..and if I were you, I'd be..furious. I dunno how you could even stand to look at me. I wouldn't trust me, you know. Because..because..I don't do things like this. I really don't." Derrick tried to clear his throat. Henry watched Derrick's knuckles go white as he clung on to the stirring wheel.

"OK, so, you're seeing someone in the play. Is that it?" He was thinking that football player who looked  like the blonde guy on Glee. He was a lead player. Which Henry found awful strange, because usually he was kind of a bully to people like Derrick.

Derrick shook his head, no. "Its Josie, she's .." Derrick squinted hard. "She's gonna have a baby, and..and its mine."

Henry suddenly felt he could breathe again.

"Wow." Was all he said.

"She's seeing some college dude now. I mean, we're still friends. Its just ..It was so awful ..when my sister died..you know..and..uh..that's when it happened. I feel so bad, letting everyone down like this...even someone who isn't born yet... Only I'm kind of happy about it too." He wiped the tears from the back of the sleeve of his dark steampunk jacket. "I mean, Josie and me..will never be together, or anything, but I gotta be there for her, you know. And the baby. I want to do the right thing. Some how. I need to find a job." He shook his head, no. "I just can't do this to you. I can't."

"But..I want to be here, for you. Please? I want to be with you. And I would be there, for you, the baby, too. Even Josie." Henry found himself saying. "You can't just be..all alone. I won't let you." He unbuckled his seat belt then, edged closer to Derrick.

It was frigid out. An ice storm. Here they were. So close. Warmth in Henry's grasp. Perhaps the most sloppy kiss ever, but Henry wasn't going anywhere. Neither was Derrick.

bitterness loves company

Henry stuffed another dirty sock in Derrick's dresser while Derrick was contemplating something on his electric guitar. As it was Derrick hadn't lifted one finger to clean his room. It was all Henry's doing. Just a little more vacuuming might help. Henry was ready to vacuum, if Derrick would ever move his feet.

"Why are you doing this now?" Derrick winced hard.

Henry was suddenly getting a clear picture of Derrick. It was as if Derrick wasn't going to do anything to help with the adoption situation.

"I told you," Derrick shot him a look. "Battle of the bands. You and me." He made it sound as if he was going into a one on one fight with Topher. Instead of Topher's band.

"But, its too late. We aren't ready." They should have been practicing months ago. It was so last minute, but Derrick knew a guy and got them in because someone's band broke up, last minute. It was just insane to think they should perform, anywhere.

"We would be, if..if you'd stop cleaning my goddamn room!" Derrick snapped.

Henry winced. He didn't like Derrick's tone.

"You, stop playing that awful Green Day song!" Henry shouted. "Stop being so..so selfish. Do you want something to happen ..where..where you might end up in Foster care, yourself."

That quietened Derrick. He put the electric down. Henry sighed.

"What are you trying to do? You know you count on Asa for everything. Here he is, trying to help even more, and this is the thanks he gets. How can you do this to him? Honestly?" Henry wasn't smiling. He wasn't his happy self. He did want to be here for Derrick, but he didn't like Derrick's attitude.

Of course, Derrick only fumed. He wouldn't talk about it. Henry kept his eye on him. Perhaps Derrick was the most stubborn person he'd ever met, but he was in love with him. He didn't want change anymore than Derrick did. But things were evolving. And it was hard for Henry to guess sometimes, just what Derrick was mad about.

Henry bit his bottom lip, thinking this might be the moment Derrick would be furious with him. He hated this feeling.

"OK." Derrick swelled a frown. "Fine. My room is clean." He shrugged as if he'd cooled down and would put this rockstar thing on hold as he put his guitar away.

"Yeah, because of me." Henry looked at him blankly.

"OK. I'm sorry. Really." Derrick sat on the bed, and patted down a spot. Henry hesitated to sit next to him because as badly as he wanted to kiss Derrick..he knew that was another of Derrick's procrastinating tactics. "Its just, I-I feel as if I have no real say in what happens next..with Josie and the baby." Derrick licked his dry lip. "And..and Topher. You'd think he was so bad ass, but I tell you, I can beat him. We can so do this. You and me." He looked Henry in the eye.

Henry nodded. Maybe they could. But what if they didn't? Derrick took Henry's hand.

"I want to be like you. I do. I want everything to be sunny and happy. You are not like anyone else. I don't want to ruin that for you. I don't." Derrick sighed. "I promise I'll ...I'll be here for Asa. I'll do whatever it takes, but you have to help me with this battle of the bands."

Henry felt Derrick's pulse. He kissed the side of Henry's forehead. Soon Henry forgot what they were even cross about. Wasn't this what he came for, anyway?

a little thing

Fish was feeling a bit shaky. He didn't know why.

Maybe it was because he hadn't seen Derrick all day. And he had something to say. Although, when he thought about it, was it just an excuse to see him? He really didn't think so. It disgusted him to think this. It was like a bad taste in his mouth. How could he possibly be attracted to him. He was not that way with anyone, or so he kept reminding himself through the day.

No, it was the fact he wished Derrick could have heard his little sister play. She was fantastic, but Derrick was a no show. He needed Derrick on his side about this band stuff. Syreeta really needed to be in the band. After all, someone had to be her cheerleader.

But Derrick wasn't anywhere. Fish felt a little nervous now. Maybe he wouldn't see him. Maybe it was best he didn't have a word with him. After all, wasn't like Derrick exactly gave him the time of day. Yet, he felt a twinge of misery. It was true, Fish was invisible.

And so, he would just shrug it off. Walk on. See if that new book, John Dies at the End was at the library he'd just put a hold on. See, he was good at doing things by himself. He'd have to remember that. But the cold was a stiff icy wind. His nostrils were instantly frozen when he walked outside.

"Hey, you need a lift." Someone said from behind him. Of course, he felt like an old man, to turn himself back and look. It was Derrick.

"I didn't think you were here, today." Fish looked at him as if Derrick must have been hiding from someone.

"Sure, I was here." He pointed to the car. It wasn't so far away. Fish caught up with him, and soon he was sitting in the front seat.

"Missed you, at Zac's." Fish told him.

"Yeah, right." Derrick smirked. Fish felt as if Derrick might be mocking him.

"Seriously, we, need you." Fish looked at Derrick as if he were important. "I-I can still remember, the first time I heard you playing that harmonica solo at that Christmas concert. I never knew of anyone who could do something so original."

"You remember that?" Derrick winced as if that was someone else. He wasn't that sophomore anymore who was working as hard as he could to please a music teacher. "I'd taught myself."

"And it was fantastic." Fish assured him. "See, my sister Syreeta has a lot natural talent, too. Its just, I'm not sure Zac likes her much."

Derrick got his old car going and they left the school grounds.

"Are you sure you, want to share your sister with Zac?" Derrick looked over at him at a stoplight.

"What?" Fish tried to laugh. It was funny, wasn't it? "I just think you need to tell him, what you think. That we need her. We do."

"You, really want me too?" Derrick asked even if Fish thought Derrick's mind might be somewhere else. Probably something about Sunny.

"Yeah." Fish nodded.

"Who knows, maybe Zac's got a thing for your sister. You, think you can handle that?" Derrick asked as he drove on near Fish's street. He was almost to his house.

"I guess." Fish had never thought about it.

"Well, you know, I get how you feel about him." Derrick almost smiled.

"What? Feelings? No." Fish squinted hard with disgust. "He's my friend. Just my friend."

"Sure he is." Derrick shrugged as if he were OK with it. He pulled into Fish's driveway. No one said a thing for a few seconds. Fish guessed he needed to go. The silence wore on.

"You want to do something fun?" Derrick finally asked as Fish reached for the door.

"Fun?" Fish winced as if that was a stupid question.

"You, want to drive my car?" Derrick shrugged.

Fish shook his head, no. Still the idea was mind blowing. He'd always wanted to drive. But no one would teach him. "I can't."

"Why can't you? You know, you want to." Derrick smiled.

"I-I..I might hurt someone." He sounded like his mother when he said it.

Derrick pulled out of the drive way.

"Come on, lets see what you got." Derrick seemed to know where they were going. Fish felt maybe he'd been kidnapped, but not really. Of course,  he imagined a long drive to some old dirt road and he'd take a spin and they'd end up in a snowbank.

Derrick drove to the empty mega-church parking lot.

"Here?" Fish looked around.

"Yeah." Derrick turned off the car and opened his door. "Lets see what you, can do in a parking lot."

Fish pressed his lips tight. He felt so strange. Uncertain. But there was Derrick, looking at him as if he had faith in him.

Fish got out and they exchanged seats. He sat where Derrick's warm body had been. Possibly, it would give him what he needed to do this.

"I dunno, if..if its such a good idea." Fish shook his head.

"Look, there is nobody here." Derrick smiled. "But us."

Fish nodded. He turned the key carefully. The car came to life, and it was at his finger tips. He gripped the wheel.

"OK, just use the foot you feel most comfortable with." Derrick told him.

Fish nodded with a sigh. He put the car in drive and lunged forward. He smiled as he steadied the vehicle.

"See, you can do this." Derrick grinned. Fish did too.

Fish never had anyone with this much faith in him, and it was a good feeling.

a certain kinda of sadness

Henry still found himself wishing he knew what he did wrong, when it came to Derrick. He remembered how he'd wanted to buy Derrick a new phone so he wouldn't have to worry about Dorian's phone calls, anymore, but he bought the Android for himself, instead.

He guessed that was selfish now, maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was just being selfish with Derrick too. And he cried himself to sleep at night, wondering what he could have done to change things.

Yet he had Audrey and Josie, his very own fan club, he supposed. He did his best not to care what came of Derrick now. Like they said, it was over. It had to be over. How could he stand for a guy who'd hit him? This relationship was doomed. Maybe it really wasn't a relationship. But the emotion hit him like an avalanche, thinking all he'd ever wanted was to be Derrick's boyfriend. And he couldn't even do that.

Still, there was Audrey, all wise and wonderful. And to think now, how wrong he'd been about her. It was funny to him, how everything was evolving. He was beginning to think Audrey might be really good for his brother. Maybe he was becoming attached to something that wasn't even really there with Derrick.

He nursed on plenty of Tootsie-roll pops, and he'd decide he wasn't going to think about Derrick anymore. Since he hadn't called. Hadn't apologized. This kind of sadness was becoming nothingness. Thankfully, there was work to keep him busy. And he was finding a new crowd to hang out with. Mainly, Audrey and Aidan. Sometimes, Josie would drag him along to a movie with her and Ian. Slowly, he guessed everything was fine. Everything would be all right.

But as luck would have it, Derrick showed up at work with a bag of stuff for Henry. and it wasn't a late birthday present.

"I didn't know where else to leave it." Derrick put it on the counter. Henry thought of so many things he was going to say, but he could only stare at him. Nothing purged from his lips.

Derrick was quiet too. All Henry could do was stare, and it bothered him now that he'd never noticed how small Derrick was. Honestly, he felt a little sad for him. But Derrick was in his suit and tie, on the way to work.

"Could..could we just talk?" Derrick wanted to know.

Henry swelled a frown. He didn't think so.

"Why don't you go, outside." Audrey took the grocery bag as if it were a donations.

Henry's eyes widen. What was she trying to do? Stand up for him. Right here? Start a fight?

"You'll need to come to the back with me." Audrey noted as she motioned for Derrick to come with her. She turned to Henry and whispered. "You just need to get this over with. Say, you're finished. You know, closure."

Henry only drew a breath and gritted. He followed them back. She opened the back door, and handed Henry the grocery bag. He took a look inside and saw all the CD mixes he'd given Derrick, the video games and some old soccer socks.

He and Derrick went out back by the dumpster. Audrey locked them out, but Henry had a fob to get back in.

"I know, it won't mean much, but I really wasn't trying to punch you. I wasn't. I wanted to just... hit Ian." Derrick told him as he pushed his curls back behind his ear. "It was totally wrong to hit you. And..and I know you deserve so much better." Derrick shook his head. "I shouldn't have ran away. I dunno why I did. I really don't." He winced then.

"And now what?" Henry looked at him indifferent.

"I should..I should leave you alone." Derrick nodded.

Henry nursed his bottom lips. "So you can treat me like Ian. Like I'm..I'm not even here?" Henry kept staring at Derrick.

"No, we can still be friends." Derrick squinted harder. Henry didn't believe him.

"Did you get back with Dorian?" Henry couldn't help but ask, wondering how different it would be if Derrick hadn't. Would he find it in his heart to forgive Derrick and go back to how it could be?

Derrick wouldn't look at him then. Henry hugged the grocery bag.

"You're better off, you know." Derrick looked out past the dumpster. "Without me."

"Its the sex, isn't it? Its what didn't happen." Henry knew.

"No. Just...I dunno." Derrick sighed as bitter tears tensed in his eyes. "I know, you loved me. You did..it was just.." Derrick gritted. "I dunno if I could..love you..like that."

Henry only looked at him sadly. "God..you can't do anything..alone..can you? If-if Dorian wasn't in the picture, you would have just ..just stayed around, wouldn't you? Until, the real thing came along." Henry hated that he'd figured him out. Derrick was nothing like he thought he knew. Henry dumped the grocery bag in the dumpster and walked past Derrick, leaving him in the hot sun of the afternoon.

He took out his fob and opened the door. The heavy door slammed shut. Henry didn't even waste time to care that he'd locked Derrick outside.

just when I thought I could go solo

"So, you said you wanted to see my place." Honestly, Mitch felt a little foolish inviting Derrick over. Not that he was expecting anything. And he hoped Derrick wasn't expecting anything, either.

He'd made his one pot meal, which was a hearty soup with a loaf of French bread. Derrick said he wanted to talk. Mitch guessed they could talk over dinner.

Derrick wasn't saying much at the moment as he was looking at the thrifted couch with a gray comforter and a gigantic crocheted granny square in colors of the rainbow on top of it. There were Mitch's books. His laptop. And of course a keyboard in the corner.

"I'm impressed." Derrick said, ever so kind.

"Oh, but aren't you though." Mitch cracked up thinking this was really funny. It wasn't that he lived in the most rundown apartments in town, but he didn't really have a lot, and he wanted to keep it that way.

"Just what did you, want to talk about?" Mitch asked as he got a bowl ready for Derrick

"Talk?" Derrick set down at the little dining table off the galley kitchen.

"Yeah, that's what you said. Is it about the band? I think its coming along great." Mitch served Derrick and then sat down across from him with a bowl of soup.

"I think they're cool with everything." Derrick nodded.

"And? And you're settled at the new place?" Mitch asked who would rather watch Derrick eat instead of eating, but he shoveled it in, not quite as much as Derrick did, of the hot stew.

Derrick only nodded and dipped a slice of French bread into the tomato based dinner.

Mitch couldn't help but smile. He guessed the way to a man's heart was like his grandmother always said..through his stomach. He sipped at his glass of milk while Derrick didn't stop to talk.

"I haven't exactly had the best year. I mean, last year was bad enough. And..and before then.." Derrick said later after the meal, while he was sitting on the couch with Mitch. "..just horrible."

Mitch nodded, but he didn't say anything. He listened.

"This thing with Sunny."

"You mean, the concert?" Mitch kept his eyes on him as if this concert was really important.

"I want the concert to be what she'd want, you know." Derrick bit his bottom lip. "The truth is...its all my fault... all my fault, what happened to her." He couldn't bare to look at Mitch.

"It wasn't your fault. You, have to stop saying that. She died in a carwreck. A drunk driver hit the car she was in," Mitch said matter a fact.

"But." He looked back at Mitch. "We got into this..this terrible argument. OK, I did all the arguing. I never even gave her a chance to speak." He felt so grim. "I think something's wrong with me."

"OK. Like what?" Mitch wanted to know.

"I dunno. I think my Dad's bipolar." Derrick nodded. "I mean, I'm pretty sure that's why he never wanted to be around us." Derrick looked at Mitch, thinking this was the first time he'd ever told anyone this about his Dad. "I just don't want to be like him."

"At least you're talking about it. That's a good sign." Mitch was optimistic, as if Derrick wasn't a total failure.

Suddenly, the front door opened. Derrick looked up startled. There was a girl with her blond hair on top of her head. She looked a little tired.

"You, didn't think I lived, alone, did you?" Mitch smiled.

Derrick pressed a smile even if he were a little confused.

"Don't you, remember my big sister, Char?" Mitch caught Derrick off guard.

Char barely said hello, she went down the hall to her room.

"Yeah, she keeps getting all these degrees she can't find jobs for." Mitch shrugged with his arms crossed. "So she's stuck at Wal-Greens, at the moment."

Derrick felt a little shy now. Just when he thought he was alone with someone who'd out grown him, he guessed they were more in the same boat than he thought.

isn't it nice..sugar and spice

Derrick wanted to talk. He guessed. But first things first. There were other things to catch up, too. He wanted to think it was the alcohol. By the time he got out of the fight with Ian and his accidental punch at Henry...he ran for some time. Perhaps not as far nor as fast as he thought. He was out of breath by the time he got to the concessions. It stung him a bit sober, perhaps.

And there was Dorian. Just when Derrick thought he'd never see him again, nor even think about him..there he was. Naturally, Derrick was pissed mostly with himself. Especially, how things went down with Henry. It wasn't suppose to be this way. It really wasn't. He wanted to be good. He'd have to be, if he wanted to be with Henry. Because, Henry was amazingly naive, yet not at all vulnerable. Which, Derrick couldn't say the same about himself.

What was it that Henry did that made him a better person? If Derrick could read it in a book, take a course in, even be brained washed, he'd do it. But it was unlikely he'd ever be as true to Henry. There were too many thoughts of how easy it was to fall into things he never looked out for. Especially, with Dorian.

Next thing he knew, they were where no one went, out on the boat dock, finding a place on the water to go. The night was so alive. Away from the crowd. Deep in the dark. Only the frogs croaked a melody that Derrick hardly noticed. It was as if something Derrick was sure was dry as dusty bones came alive again, before the first kiss even lingered.

Dorian would obviously do all the things Henry resisted. Derrick felt sad about that, but only later. Not then, because the night was spectacular that started the new day even better.

But they talked, a great deal over coffee. It was at the all night diner that no one went to, anymore. Which was good. Just the two of them. Dorian told him he was sorry about his sister, Amanda. Was that why he wouldn't see him?

Derrick shook his head. He didn't really know.

"Look..I just thought..it would ..it would be better for you. If..if I wasn't around." Derrick couldn't look him in the eye. "I guess I didn't want to know if you were..a jerk..or not." Derrick felt as if he were talking about himself. He could have used more vile words, but he was certain now that Dorian cared about him.

"And you don't know about..that other thing." Derrick sighed as if he'd let another black balloon of doubt slip away from him. He was on his third cup of coffee.

"What other thing?" Dorian winced as he poured more coffee in his own cup.

"You know Josie..Josie Greene." Derrick looked at him seriously.

"What about her?" Dorian shrugged.

"She's having my kid." Derrick said very quickly. "I thought everyone knew."

"I heard something. But someone said she was seeing some college dude and it was his." Dorian looked at him blankly.

"Its really fucked up." Derrick let slip.

"Yeah, sounds like it would be." Dorian's grin was impish. Derrick tried not to laugh.

"Her Dad won't let her keep it." Derrick sighed. "But, um, this guy..who I stay with, is gonna adopt it."

"So..what does that mean? You and him?" Dorian asked. Derrick looked at him wide eyed. Now that really cracked him up. The thought of Asa and him as something more than family.

"God, no." Derrick took a breath seeing how Dorian didn't really know him. "Asa's my sister's..he might as well have been her husband."

"Yeah..of course." Dorian's lip twitched as if he was thinking of something else, "Its you and Henry." There was the sound of dread in his voice.

"Henry." Derrick took a sip of coffee not wanting to think what his eye looked like at the moment.

"He's so young." Dorian just said as he grabbed a menu before they outstayed their welcome.

Derrick nodded. He guessed it was true. It was pressure always having to do the right thing with him. He was suppose to be older and wiser. Sometimes, Derrick felt obligated to be someone that wasn't really him. He didn't feel that way with Dorian. Yet, he had to remember, Dorian had a girlfriend. And all of this might be like a fantasy at the moment. What if Dorian acted like he didn't know him tomorrow?

"How about pancakes?" Dorian smiled. "Maybe crepes. That's even better."

Derrick nodded. One moment he was thinking how he'd have to let down Henry in so many ways, but maybe he didn't have to.

where the heart is

Suddenly, it occurred to Derrick. He'd been wrong about all the wrong things. Why was he even worried about things with Henry? It was as if he'd had a brain fog of some kind. Yet, it was very clear to him that he should have been paying attention to a few other things. One of those being Josie.

He saw through the livingroom window that night he was with Henry.. that Josie was with Ian, parked in the driveway. He wanted to stare for a moment, but he thought he heard something, and he better get back to the basement and see if Henry found out anything from his brother's soon to be ex.

"Was that my phone?" Derrick couldn't be sure if it was his or maybe Henry's.

"Yeah." Henry stared at him. No smile. Nothing. In fact, he was holding Derrick's phone.

"Its probably nothing." Derrick edged closer as to take it from him, but Henry held on to his cell. Kept it from his grasp.

"Is there anything, you want to tell me?" Henry was so serious. Soured. Perhaps disgusted. Derrick never saw this side of him.

"I don't think so." Derrick winced  as if he wasn't really ready for some kind of quiz.

"Figured, as much." Henry looked as if he could spit on him. He flung Derrick's phone. Luckily, the bed caught it. "Guess, there was a reason I didn't trust you." Henry's eyes lit. His voice was low.

Derrick avoided Henry's stare. He looked at his cell, but of course, it had gone dark now. Henry turned around his back to Derrick as if it were too late.

"What do you mean?" Derrick squinted even harder as each second grew more uncomfortable with Henry's back to him.

Derrick could see Henry was angry.

"I don't even know why, you, bother." Henry gasped. He was crying.

Derrick touched Henry between the shoulder blades. Henry flinch. "Don't touch me!"

Derrick picked up his blackberry clutch. Not the fanciest of phones, but he saw who'd texted.

"Dorian does this all the time, but I never respond to them. I don't even look at the text." He promised. Derrick guessed he should figure out how to block him. "Nothing is going on. I'm not doing anything behind your back."

Derrick sat down on the bed and waited for Henry to at least sit and listen. "Please, just..just hear me out, if nothing else. Maybe you can block him or whatever." He held  his cell. "You can look through all my texts. I'm not trying to hide anything from you."

Finally Henry plopped down next to him and fixed Dorian number.

"OK," Derrick found it hard to explain now, but it would be wrong if he didn't. "I had sex with Dorian." Derrick gritted a wince. Then he sighed. "But it was last year. When I broke up with Ian. It was the one time. It wasn't something we made a conversation about. And..and it hasn't happened. Since. It won't happen. Because..because I don't want to be some dirty little secret. I don't." Derrick's face swelled with a frown. "Its not like he's going to acknowledge me in the hall at school."

"Did he hurt you?" Henry wanted to know.

"No." Derrick shook his head. "I only did it.. to get back at Ian. I guess. I mean, I didn't tell him. It was... I felt like I had to have sex with someone else ..to get over him. It was stupid, I know. It was wrong." He pushed his fingers over his eyes, burning with tears. "I'm sorry." He caught Henry's gaze out of the corner of his eye. He felt like an emotional wreck as he nursed his bottom lip.

Finally, Henry reached for him. Derrick felt it was Henry decision. Would he stay or Would he go? Yet Derrick closed his eyes as if this was the most wonderful calm he'd ever felt. There were no words needed.

please don't be a player hater

Ian could sense something was brewing with Derrick that night at the show. But Ian couldn't exactly figure it out. Instead, he ignored it. He wanted to have some fun. He'd hoped Derrick would have some too. So they danced. Or jumped mostly through the night until they'd had enough, but they were still riding high after the show. Or at least he was. He couldn't say the same about Josie or Max. It was complicated. He guessed.

He saw Josie leave once, but she'd came back to the show in a definitely bad mood. He felt kind of bad for Max. This was his first concert ever. And everyone seemed to be bailing. He'd hoped they'd all go out for breakfast afterwards, but no on seemed to be in the mood.

"So, what's the problem?" Ian asked Derrick face to face a few days later. A part of him wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Derrick only fumed. He didn't want to talk. He made up some excuse he was going to be late for class.

"Fine. But we're gonna talk. We've got time after school." Ian didn't want to  prolonged the agony anymore than he had to. He couldn't remember the last time they had a disagreement over anything. Not that they agreed on everything. It was just easier to let Derrick decide where to go, what to see. Ian thought this was possibly the first time he'd ever been in this sort of situation. They were happy. What had happened?

Finally after the last class and the half hour he could kill before work, he met up with Derrick who was getting in Josie's car with Max.

"Wait up!" Ian was pissed now. "We're suppose to talk."

"Then talk." Derrick gave Ian an ominous look.

"Well, I know you're mad at me." Ian definitely found it apparent now.

The car doors shut. Josie wasn't waiting in the school parking lot. Max looked out the back window as if he were a puppy that might be meeting his impending doom as Josie peeled out of the parking lot.

Ian looked back at Derrick. "What did I do?" He squinted hard as if he hadn't a clue.

"How come you didn't tell me? Jules is gay." Derrick spat back in a huff, hugging himself angrily.

"Jules is not gay." Ian scowled.

"What about that guy he was with?" Derrick glared back.

"Your jealous." Ian cracked up. "Unbelievably... jealous." Ian kept smiling as if this was the best joke ever.

"He wasn't this mate." Derrick was still in the thick of it. "He was your boyfriend, wasn't he?"

"Jesus, Derrick! You can't get all drama on me, over Jules." Ian scowl soon turned into a laugh as they walked toward the wide open field by the school.

"He probably kissed you, didn't he?" Derrick swelled a frown as they walked together.

"Its not a big deal." Ian held on to his back pack straps.

"Did you?" Derrick wouldn't let up with the questions.

"A snog here and there." Ian didn't think much of it.

"What!" Now he was really setting Derrick off.

"He was drunk. I was drunk. It was nothing. And it was a way long time ago. I don't think he remembers. I barely do. He liked to get in fights and then.." It was best not tell Derrick anymore.

"He's gay." Derrick looked at Ian as if he better watch out.

"He's not that gay." Ian shook his head, no. "He likes them all." Ian shrugged. "But I don't see him really hooking up with this Jonah."

"How do you know?" Derrick looked worried as they plodded through the plush meadow.

"Body language." He told him. "I know how he is when he takes fancy to someone. He's like a shark, circling and charming, you know."

Derrick looked at him a tad pissed still.

"Don't worry so much, man..." Ian reached out and put his arm around Derrick to draw him in. "He really isn't in to me.  I do know that, for a fact. You know." He smiled then. He knew a place they could be alone. He'd certainly do his best to take Derrick's mind off Jules.

one without the other

Possibly, Henry was going a little overboard with the whole Josie pregnancy thing. Derrick wouldn't hold it against him. A part of him felt bad that he didn't think of it first. But the baby experience was so overwhelming. He did feel lost about what to do. At the moment, he felt as if he was walking in circles and not getting anything done.

"Something will come your way." Henry was all smiles as he squeezed Derrick's shoulder now. "Just gotta relax."

Derrick sighed, shaking his head. That wasn't going to do it. He needed to be filling out job applications. At least, he did at the stores they'd went to, out on their evening with Josie. Derrick was too busy to talk to any of them. But he went along as if he were OK in what ever Josie wanted. Derrick would be shocked if family and friends bought all this stuff for the baby.

"I told her she should blog about the coming months." Henry shrugged.

"To strangers? Let strangers, buy the baby stuff?" Derrick looked at Henry wide eyed. He wasn't sure if he liked the idea.

"Well, its not that unusual." Henry didn't think it strange, as he sat down with his laptop on the couch and patted down a space for Derrick to sit next to him.

Derrick figured Henry might show him just what he was talking about, but instead there was gay porn full throttle, in color.

Derrick snapped the laptop shut and looked at Henry.

"What was that!" Derrick winced then as if that was the last thing he would see on Henry's laptop. Henry was too innocent for something like that to appear on his computer screen.

"You know what that was?" Henry smiled at Derrick.

Derrick cleared his throat. He pushed the curls on his forehead back with his hand and then wondered how he was suppose to compete with that. Even respond to it?

"Were you trying..." Derrick wasn't even sure he knew where he wanted that sentence to go. "If..if that was suppose to be a turn on..then it wasn't." Derrick hugged himself.

"I was just watching so I'd know. You know." He shrugged, as if it were not a big deal.

"Its not really that fast and furious." Derrick didn't think, anyway. He'd certainly not want to be on camera, like those guys. "I mean.." He cleared his throat again. He couldn't look Henry in the eye. "Not for me, anyway." Then Derrick felt he'd said the wrong thing. Not that he wanted to have sex with Henry, right away. Maybe some day. But it was just out of the question at the moment.

He looked at Henry, wondering if he gotten Henry all wrong. Was he just looking for a friend with benefits. Maybe he didn't want this having anything to do with love? Unfortunately, Derrick knew something about that. And he wouldn't dare speak of it. Yes, he'd had a moment of weakness when he broke up with Ian. Maybe it was revenge sex. He thought now as he bit his bottom lip. Yet his heartbeat quicken when he thought of Dorian and the play.

Actually, he'd forgotten about him. It was just a one time deal, and he knew the football player would never speak of it. Derrick certainly kept the secret safe with him. And that was certainly not what he wanted with Henry.

"I'm sorry, it was there. OK. I found it on Tumblr." Henry shrugged. "I'm this follower of some one who loves gay cinema. And they were gaga over this gay porn star I never heard of, and..I left it on my dashboard." He told him. "Not that I need to watch gay porn. Really." He chuckled then. "Gives a whole new meaning to that old bill board slogan. REAL MEN DON'T USE PORN." He grinned then. "I think of the first time I read that out loud, when I was in the car with my Mom. I asked her all about it. I'm surprised she didn't have a car wreck. I kept saying, I'm a real man, Mom, I would never use porn. Of course, at the time, she was talking about Playboy magazines and I was so YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME ." He was quiet then. As if he'd shut up about it. "OK, I did watch it, a little, you know, but its not like.."

Derrick kissed him so he'd shut up. After all, Derrick did want to be Henry's boyfriend.

monsters, inc.

At least, Derrick's nose wasn't broken, but it felt like it. There was an intense pain, and he had to wonder if he were asking for it.

"No, you were not asking for it." Ian was certain of it when Derrick got settled back in his room at home. "She- she should have hit me."

Derrick swelled with tears, but he promised himself he wouldn't. After all, the school had expelled Amy. She'd have a record now for her outburst.

"But its a little harsh, don't you think?" Derrick choked wondering if she were so bitter to make things worse for him in the future.

"Schools have to act on this stuff, you know. Remember that shooting last month?" Ian held a gaze at Derrick and pushed Derrick's bangs back. "You do something bad, they're gonna watch you, like a hawk now." Ian told him. "They have to do more than warn you."

Derrick had heard  how someone had shot the principal at a nearby school when the senior had been suspended and came back with his Dad's gun.

"You think they'll make her stay all night in jail?" Derrick winced.

"Possibly. It was an altercation. Maybe just juviee." Ian shrugged.

"Honestly, I never ever said anything to her. I didn't. I thought she'd moved, for good." Derrick felt like putting his hand over his nose ..just because the pain still throbbed. He was tired now.

"So did I. Look, she'd mentioned the dance to me. I just wanted to forget the phone call." Ian shook his head. "Its all my fault. All my fault."

"Stop saying that." Derrick grimaced.

"We were having fun, you know. Just the two of us at the dance." Ian smiled. Derrick wondered what Amy would have done if they'd danced close. Derrick didn't think it would really freak that many people out. There were other couples like themselves there..

"It was working out good." Derrick thought so. "Josie seems pretty cool with us."

"Think so." Ian nodded. He laid next to Derrick, who thought maybe the four of them could maybe go out again. Neal didn't have his driver's license.

Ian set up and looked at Derrick's shelf of DVDs. "You want to watch something?"

"I guess." Derrick felt as if the pain meds were finally kicking in. He was sleepy, but not that sleepy. "I'm always up for Monster, Inc. when I feel bad."

"Sure." Ian popped it in the DVD player. He got situated again. This time he held Derrick's hand. It was a comfort, but these were the only monsters Derrick wanted to watch. He didn't want to have to face them in real life.

in time

Derrick was trying. Trying to hold on, without giving in.

But what if they found out? Something was really wrong with him.

He didn't think he was exactly bipolar. He'd googled it. He'd read about it. The risks, bipolar people took. The statistics, of those with it were usually high on the list with those having affairs, and other major catastrophes in their lives.

He knew he shouldn't make it about himself. He should be thinking of Sunny. And he did.

It was his fault. Why had he wanted to make her feel so bad? He regretted it now. But at the time, it was as if he had no control. No control, at all, like a stormy fire he could not put out. It would be something he'd have to live with, for the rest of his life.

So many flashbacks of what he'd said kept him awake at night. That look on her face. Why? Why did he have to say anything? Or do anything? Why did it matter so much?

Still, he needed to go on. There was work. He couldn't mess this up. He needed this job, but Hansen never said a word to him, anymore, after the parking lot fight (which Derrick initiated). It was all becoming quite numb. Just going through the motions, hoping not to get in trouble. Being thankful for each day he was not trouble.

There was that silly little red heart shaped box of candy that Rosie didn't get to Asa on Valentines day, and here it was Easter Sunday.

"Will you take me?" She'd bugged him about it for days it seemed. Maybe weeks. They'd gotten through Easter dinner and Rosie wanted to see Asa.

At least it would give him a chance to see Dylan if he took her. Rosie called. Asa said it was OK for them to come over.

Derrick was going to get to see his son, and that was a good feeling to go on, but when they got there, someone was with Asa.

Derrick, immediately thought she was not Asa's type.

"Is she goth or something?" He'd ask as soon as he got Asa alone in Dylan's nursery. "What are you doing with her?"

Rosie liked her. She liked Jane's little baby, but from what Derrick could see, he thought Jane might be Wiccan.

"I didn't know, how to tell you." Asa shrugged as if he still didn't want too.

"Tell me what?" Derrick squinted.

"Jane's living with me." His words sounded warbled. Not quite true. Derrick couldn't have been hearing him correctly. He didn't want to hear him. Derrick focused on the baby who was so cute. But of course, he didn't see himself in the child. Just Josie. That made him kind of bitter. He tried not to be.

"You and her?" Derrick's throat felt parched. He could hardly say the words. "But what about?" He didn't want to say his sister's name. What would Amanda think? He wanted say.

"She's who I want to be with. OK?" Asa simply said. "Some day, we'll get married. I really want to marry her."

"I get it." Derrick kept staring at the baby who was kicking in the crib like a little cyclist. He held on to Derrick's fingers. His grip was strong. His eyes so bright, and his smile swallowed Derrick some place he wanted to be.

"You know, I really wanted to marry Amanda, but I don't think she..." Asa looked sad. "I guess she thought it would ruin it, what ever it was, we had. I dunno. But now, I want to make this right with Jane."

"I know." Derrick knew he needed to let it go. Asa was moving on. "I just don't..want to forget. I don't want you to forget." Derrick gritted then.

He didn't want to hate Jane. He didn't even know her.

"Maybe, you can come over for dinner. We can still talk, you know." Asa told him.

Derrick nodded.

There was Dylan to think about.

"Promise?" Derrick wanted to know.

"Promise." Asa nodded.

He rubbed Dylan's dark shock of locks. Finally, he was starting to see himself in Dylan. Derrick couldn't help but smile. When he took Dylan in his arms, he knew it was the kind of love he couldn't let slip away. He had to find a way to be better.

in with the new ....out with the old

Christmas had been relatively quiet. Everyone was coupled. Just about. Oliver and Kayla. Syd and Eric. It was nice. Thankfully, no one said anything about Amy. She was after all, with her family back in Boston. Eric's Mom hadn't question Ian. She'd noticed Josie's sightings. And she'd smile about that. He knew she was happy not to have one more to include in everything. It had been tight when Amy was there. It wasn't that she disliked her, but he knew she was enjoying her time off with his Dad.

Eric's Mom had been really nice to Oliver too, but it might have been another story if Oliver had lived there. Anyway, Ian knew it was good to get away, so his dad could spend some time with Eric's Mom, alone. And Oliver was his timid self, about learning to drive. Evidently, it kept both he and Kayla preoccupied. It was kind of funny. But really, he thought it was sweet, how everyone was getting along. And then there was Derrick.

He was thankful no one knew in the family about them just yet, because he wasn't so sure he knew what to think, either. Ian wasn't up to be questioned about it, yet.  Couldn't he wait to see where it went?

It was something new. He didn't want to call it a fad or a phase. He didn't want to hear Amy tell him that he was just getting back at her. He had had nightmares the last couple of nights about her finding out about Derrick and him. It was scary, thinking of her going insane. That was definitely not what this was about.

It just happened. But he didn't think he was gay. He didn't talk funny, and he could very well not sing the high notes like Kurt from GLEE. Seriously, Derrick was the last person he'd ever thought would  be...kissable. This was not supposed to be happening. But he just wanted to see where it went. It might be over before New Years. He was beginning to think. Maybe.

"Well, quit being so tense about it. Will you?" Derrick was definitely on a different level than Ian was, and it wasn't about a video game, either. Here he was with him. At Derrick's, sleeping over. Which he'd done many times before. But it was just different. Because he knew they were different. And sleeping over could be a lot different now. Not that anyone had to think it might be.

The house was quiet. It did bother Ian that someone might hear them. So he acted as if he needed sleep. Yet he knew he left Derrick restless, and he was a bit of a baby about it. He turned from him. "God, you'd think you worked for the FBI and took an oath to never even think about sex."

Ian rolled his eyes at that. He was still as he laid there on his back wondering if he should go home, but the wind whipped and snow and ice were hitting the basement window. He shivered slightly, thinking of a white out.

"OK, lets just-"

Naturally, Derrick was there touching his abs in a mega-second. It was like falling in a pit of heat, and it wasn't long until he knew Derrick made him happy. He wished he wasn't this happy, but they kept each other warm for a very long time until he slipped into a deep sleep.

"Come on." The next thing he knew Derrick was tugging at him. "Lets take a shower." He was all smiles.

"What are you talking about?" Ian rubbed sleep from his eyes.

"Shower. Now." Derrick smiled as if he'd been inspired by some naughty dream.

"Why?" Ian whispered back as if it could mean trouble.

"Shower sex." He just beamed as if it were the best idea ever.

"No." But he was dragging him along. After all the bathroom was in his room. "You said we wouldn't rush into this."

"You're making more of it, than it is." Derrick promised. He turned on the shower. Wasn't like anyone was heading downstairs to stop them. Soon enough, it was steamy. Hot. They were kissing. Touching was inevitable. Soap was a second thought. So much kissing. And then they heard  the thud of footsteps. Ian broke away and turned off the water. They were quiet. It was someone, upstairs. But they were stomping around. Glass broke. Harsh words were heard.

Ian looked at Derrick. This wasn't about them. But something was happening. Derrick was dripping wet and grabbed on his sweats.

"Just stay here." He told Ian as he went upstairs to investigate. Ian was searching for a towel. He finally found one to wrap around his middle and stood there as if he needed to find a place to hide. It was quiet once more as if it had been nothing, but Derrick came back downstairs with Rosie. He handed her over to him.

Ian looked at him wide eyed.

"What happened?"

"Elliot's being a jerk. I guess they had a fight. He left." Derrick was calm about it. Morning had barely broken. Derrick went to clean up the mess.

"You're wet." Rosie informed him. "Derrick is wet." She giggled then.

Ian acted as if he didn't know what she was talking about. He got her situated in front of Derrick's TV and went to change.

not tonight

Ian went to the dance with Josie because he knew Derrick wasn't going to. But he felt a little empty inside about having to be the one there for her, too. He was beginning to think it wasn't his place.

"I'm really sorry, Derrick's being the butt-head." Ian apologized at the Winter ball at school. He wanted to tell her Derrick was quite the selfish prick, but he guessed that would have been saying too much. Josie really looked sweet in her white dress. She'd made it herself. He just wished he could reciprocate the feelings he could tell she was waiting for, but he couldn't. Derrick was on his mind. He always found himself talking about him even when he didn't mean too.

"Its all right not to mention  his name again." She assured him.

"I know, but..but he's the one you've been waiting for." Ian felt certain. Really, he felt a bit silly being here in the hot gym when they had to crawl out of their parkas before they could make an entrance. Her corsage had been smushed. It felt about as spectacular as he did.

"No it isn't. Not exactly." She looked at him as if he was just as good, maybe better.

Ian plastered a smile on, but it was all ridiculous. He didn't know if he were ready to be the boyfriend, waiting for the endless calls, the nonstop texting and always willing to spend extra on whatever came up.

Well. He could see it in her sad eyes. She was waiting for him to bend down for a kiss. He thought of how it might be if Derrick were here and Derrick were kissing her, there on the strobe lit dance floor. When suddenly it hit him. It wasn't Derrick kissing Josie. It was Derrick kissing him. Ian's eyes lit. How could he think it? Right here. Right now with Josie waiting for something blissful to happen.

"I think I need some air." Ian backed away. He really needed to get his senses straighten out. "Just, give me, a few minutes." He couldn't get out of there fast enough. He made it to the parking lot. The air froze his breath, piercing toward his throat. He looked around wondering what to do. He'd gone from a sweat to a shiver. But still he felt a hot ugliness inside him. He'd really let Josie down. He'd only wanted to do the right thing. Why was he like that? Everything out of obligation. Or it seemed so pressured, as of late. Even with Amy.

He looked up to see who was sitting on the hood of his car in his black coat and warm hunter's cap with the wool floppy ears. Derrick.

"I told you, you should just leave things alone." Derrick wasn't happy.

"Well, someone should have a nice holiday." Ian shrugged. He leaned against the hood of the car.

"I don't want you to be with anyone, but me." He finally confessed. Derrick stared at Ian under the street light.

"You just want me to be as pessimistic, as you are?" Ian swelled a frown, hugging himself to keep what warmth he could.

"God, you know what it is, don't you?" Derrick huddled closer.

"Not that I was dying to know, really." Ian was getting colder. His warm winter things were still in the building. Derrick gave him a clumsy kiss on the side of his lip. Ian was sure he'd push him away, but he didn't. He was still as he looked Derrick over.

"I wish you wouldn't fuck with me, this way." Ian kept staring at him.

"But I'm not." Derrick winced. "I want the thought to go away, but its not. It hasn't."

Ian looked out across the parking lot. All was still, even a calm wind. A snowflake softly came and Derrick opened his warm coat. He could feel his warmth come around him. Ian closed his eyes. Finally, everything felt amazing that was inviting him in. No more questions were asked.

what are brothers for

"What is going on?" Derrick asked first thing when he got over to Asa's to tend to Max, who was home alone. "You, never get sick."

"Yeah, I guess..it just caught up with me." Max shrugged as he stood their in his slippers and pajama bottoms. He was sporting his favorite Husker football Tee. Honestly, Derrick didn't think he looked that sick. He had a few minutes before he was off to work.

Yet another snow fall fell on the old one. It would definitely be a great day to go sledding.

"Well, what is it?"  Derrick looked Max over. It couldn't be that bad.

"I think..something broke me out." Max was even lipped, possibly even a bit of a frown.

"Where?" Derrick squinted looking Max over.

"Kind of..a little on..my neck." Max tried to show him. He thought there was a rash on his earlobe.

"Its not that bad." Derrick shrugged. What a baby, he thought. It was nothing.

"Well.." Max scratched his face. Yes, maybe he was kind of breaking out with pimples, but not really. Derrick's made a face as he tried to investigate. He was afraid to pull off his black leather jacket. Especially, it if were contagious.

 "Its..kind of..personal." Max cleared his throat

"Just show me." Derrick festered a glare that Max needed to tell him.

"I dunno if..if I should." Max shook his head, no. About that time the kettle whistle went off and Max went to shut off the heat.

"What is it?" Derrick glared at him then.

"Its really bad." Now Max made a face of disgust.

"Like what?" Derrick thought he was kidding.

"Its itches ...so bad." Max gritted.

Derrick didn't waste time. If this was what he thought Max was talking about... "Just let me have look." He shrugged.

"No..no.." Max backed away, but Derrick grabbed him by the waist band and took a peek in his pants.

"HOLY SHIT." Derrick didn't mean to laugh. "You've got scabies!"

"Scabies?" Max winced hard doing his best to cover himself from anymore exposure.

"Yeah, 101 of STDs." Derrick looked at him stunned.

"Its an STD?" Max's face was full of disgust.

"Anybody can get it, but its sexually transmitted." Derrick told him. "I got it in Sixth grade, but that's because Amanda got it. She was a crossing guard at school. She had it the worst. Mine wasn't so bad." Derrick washed his hands quickly with the disinfectant soap even if he didn't touch anything. "What have you been doing?"

"Uh.." Max scratched the side of his face then. He bit his bottom lip.

"Call her now. Tell her what's going on." Derrick knew Sara had something to do with it. He told him he'd go to the drug store and get some NIX. They'd get this taken care of. Fast. But he had to call work and tell them Max was sick.

its not too late

Dorian didn't feel lost yet. Yes, he knew there were a lot of things Derrick wanted him to do. He knew Derrick didn't want to be a secret. He got that, but his life was complicated too. But for different reasons.

He wanted to be stronger about what he wanted. But every-time, he thought he might tell his Dad about his other life, his dad would do something ridiculously homophobic. This always put Dorian off. Yet, he'd watch a movie or something inspiring to make him feel he had to tell the truth. He knew there would be consequences. His Dad would be furious. Maybe kick him out of the house.

Possibly, it was fear, but seriously, he liked his secret life. Maybe.

Of course, the only other guy Dorian had ever been with was Cedric, who was totally casual about friends and lovers. They seemed to mesh together. Dorian had to admit, he didn't want to be like Cedric, either. Although, it might have been a close call with Derrick in the beginning. Getting these quiet yet quaint signals from each other, as if it could all be done on the sly. It felt as if he were falling back into the trap, like with Cedric.

Then he thought of his great uncle who was totally old school when it came to an alternative lifestyle.

1. Uncle Lane wouldn't even admit he was gay.
2. He had a houseful of guys, young and old, always around.
3. Many of them took Uncle Lane for granted. They depended on him, for so much. Even Dorian didn't know how well off or not Uncle Lane might be. And yet, with so many acquaintances, he never had a life-time partner. Naturally, Dorian felt doomed to that sort of life.

"I promise, I'm not stalling. Its just something, I can't do, over night." He told Derrick now. In spite of all of Derrick's pitfalls, he honestly thought they could make this work. "I just need to find my own place. OK."

"And what? I'm suppose to move in with you?" Derrick's impish grin made Dorian sigh with giddiness.

"Eventually." Dorian grinned. "But, you've got another year of school. And, and I want to make this work." He was sure he could. He at least had his lifeguard job this summer for starters. If only that were enough. Honestly, he was thinking of the future. It was a good idea to not let his father's emotions get the best of him. But it took so much to be emotionally ready for the downfall of everything to come. And if it didn't happen, well, he'd try to be ready. "I need a place to live. I haven't found that yet."

"Maybe.." The way Derrick grinned, Dorian knew what he was thinking.

"You've got a houseful. Can't make this anymore complicated than it is." Dorian looked at him serious. "Look, you need to talk to Henry." He knew it looked like he was taking Derrick away from Henry, yet Dorian didn't really believe that. He didn't really want Henry to hate Derrick. "If he needs to hate anyone, just tell him to hate me. All right." As soon as Dorian said it, he knew he loved Derrick, but did Derrick love him? "But what do I know, maybe you really love Henry. And..and you could wait, until..you know, he decides-"

Derrick shook his head. "No, no he deserves better." Now Derrick looked sad. "I don't even know..what you see in me." Now he was even trying to put doubt in Dorian's heart.

"Jesus," Dorian squinted, wishing Derrick would let go of the dramatics. "You, can not do this to me now." Dorian sat close to Derrick. His fingers touched Derrick's. He wished that was enough. "We'll get through this. We will. And we'll both be better, because of it."

Oh, those doppelgangers

Darn..if Derrick didn't have a class with Holden during summer school.

He was anxious to know if Mitch thought Holden was his doppelganger. Of course, Derrick didn't think so.

"We look nothing a like." Derrick informed Mitch, but just to make sure, he wanted Mitch to pick him up from school one day.

Holden hadn't said one word to him. Derrick doubted they'd ever speak to each other. It might be best not too. Still, he felt kind of sad for him. Holden wasn't exactly making friends. But then again, Derrick wasn't exactly talking to any of his old friends, either.

He didn't say good bye to Ian. A part of him really regretted it, but he guessed what might have been left of their friendship was way far gone. He was definitely giving Josie her space, yet she was across the pond, which had been pretty nice, when he thought about it. Not having to see her everyday, for a few weeks.

And of course, Daisy. He thought it best to let that go as quietly as possible. Instead, Mitch took up enough of his time, if he weren't at work or school, or in their band which got a gig ever couple of weeks.

Derrick really wanted to focus on Mitch. Still, he hoped he would never got back to his old ways of shutting people out. He was going to try harder to be the friend he should be. And of course, a better boyfriend.

"So what do you think?" Derrick asked once he got in Mitch's car as everyone was leaving the high school building at 2 p.m.

"Think of what?" Mitch looked at him as if he were quite oblivious.

"You know, him?" Derrick hated to point to the guy with the messy curls  going to his car. "Does he look like me?"

"Um, I guess he could." Mitch didn't make much of it. "Or not. I don't think he's your twin."

That was a relief to hear. Derrick didn't think so, either. Naturally, something else was on Mitch's mind as he drove away.

Char wasn't home.

Things were giddy, after that. It wasn't often they were ever really alone. Derrick knew Mitch's sister Char didn't like him. He just knew, even if Mitch kept telling him that was not true.

"She's known you, since you were a kid." Mitch kept insisting there was nothing she hated about him. Derrick begged to differ. Char was afraid he was taking Mitch away from her. Derrick didn't talk about that now. Besides, having the place to themselves meant anything could happen.

So they kissed with the lights on in Mitch's room. It felt as if finally spontaneity had arrived. Not even a thunderstorm was going to stop this afternoon endeavor. Actually, Derrick thought all the deep kisses could be enough, but even he knew it was time to get what he wanted.

So, it happened. Possibly, it was a bit of a race. Of course, he did want to blame it on Char. Who arrived on time at 3:30.

They were still as could be. Lights out. Under the covers, in case she did open Mitch's door, which she did on occasion, just to ask Mitch some random question. Usually about trash bags or what was he using toilet paper for.

If she did, she'd see lumps under the comforter instead of something she insisted was disgusting.

But today, they heard laughter. Real laughter. She was with someone. A guy.

"Holy shit." Mitch whispered as if the impossible happened. Char brought home a guy.

Naturally, Mitch told him to get dressed. They were going to check this out.

"Just, don't annoy her." Derrick whispered back. Soon enough, they investigated the matter.

Char found someone who looked an awful lot like Mitch, and she was letting this guy put his hands around her waist.

"Char? What's going on?" Mitch looked so innocent. Derrick couldn't help but crack up. Didn't Mitch see it? Derrick could. His sister was seeing Mitch's doppelganger.

Tell me I'm a screwed up mess

Ian was thinking about calling Derrick, but then again, he figured he wouldn't answer. He wanted to talk, but about what? Another fight?

It stressed him out so. He couldn't wait to get home from work and crash. Of course, he knew he'd call Josie. Maybe talk to her in bed. Although, at this rate, he might fall asleep on his cell. That was the plan.

 He headed upstairs, flipped on his light switch and there was Derrick waiting for him. Why was he not surprised? Ian backed up, wanted to close the door and walk away. He felt himself shake with some fear, but he did his best not to let it show.

"What? This is the best, you, could do? Fight me at home?" Ian wasn't going to sound nervous, even if he was a little put off that Derrick would wait for him, in his own bedroom.

Derrick only sighed and rolled his eyes.

"No. Its not like that. I just.." He squinted hard, pulled a scowl, and plopped himself down on his bed. "You, don't understand. You're not in my shoes." He gritted then.

"I'm not trying to get back at you." Ian winced as he wondered if he should sit and let Derrick think he owned the place. "I love Josie." It was so simple. He felt like calling her right now and saying those words to her. Of course, he said them every night to her before he went to bed. "Not everything is about you, Derrick."

Derrick started to say something. He sighed heavily then.

"Its like..Its like neither of you...care about me.. at all." His voice cracked. Derrick glared at Ian.

"Why should we? You don't exactly care about us?" Ian almost laughed. It was true, Derrick hadn't changed a bit.

"I'm concerned about the baby. I don't want you hurting the baby. Can you see where I'm coming from?" Derrick kept glaring.

Finally, Ian sat next to him.

"I wouldn't hurt the baby. I wouldn't hurt Josie. I'm not out for revenge." Ian promised.

Derrick shook his head.

"I'm screwing everything up." He covered his hands over his eyes. "I dunno what to say to Henry. And..and..I dunno what to do about Dorian."

Ian looked away. "Tell Henry you're sorry for starters. Tell him you're an idiot. Tell him, you don't deserve him."

"I don't want to hurt him." Derrick sounded in a bad way.

"Haven't you hurt him, already?" Ian looked at him. "Just let it go. OK? If this baby is so damn important to you, start acting like you want to be a Dad."

"What? Is the point?" Derrick's misery certainly liked Ian's company.

"The point is, some day, you are gonna want this kid to look up to you. You, have to be better than this, Derrick. You can be better than this." Ian bit his upper lip. Suddenly, grief stung him of his own situation with Kayla. Of course, someone (her unborn baby that he couldn't think of as his) would really never know who he was exactly, but he could still hope he could be a good uncle. His cell rang. It was Josie.

"I think you need to go now." Ian's throat was parched.

Derrick nodded, and slowly got up. "But I didn't talk to you about Dorian?" He looked a bit hurt that Ian wouldn't let him stay.

"I really don't want to know." Ian told him. "I'm not your best friend, anymore." With that, Derrick let himself out the way he'd came. Through Ian's window.

fallout

Derrick was possibly on the outs with everyone. At home.

It seemed that Josie didn't like Derrick around the baby. There was fall out. Lots of arguing about what to do.

The plan was to eventually move out. Derrick didn't know that meant sooner than later. Of course, Josie wouldn't move out until Derrick moved out. She could move back to her mother's. Derrick lived at Amanda's (He would never refer to the place as Asa's). But the choice was becoming clear that he needed to move back to his brother's.

Instantly, he retaliated. Derrick more or less stayed at Cedric's. No one really seemed to mind. And Josie didn't make a big deal about it. She thought he was a bad influence around Dylan.

"Supposedly, its a safer environment for him." Derrick rolled his eyes at that. But there was plenty to drink and smoke at Cedric's so he wasn't going to complain much. He smiled at the fact he probably could have moved in to Josie's house. Her mother was the only one nice to him, as far as he was concerned.

Derrick didn't know about Asa, anymore. He was actually getting the hang of babyhood, and Max was still around. So it wasn't like Asa was home alone with Dylan. Asa would have probably let him stay if there hadn't been all the yelling.

Derrick decided he was better off at Cedric's. At least for the moment. There were people from work to hang with, and Cedric always had a story to tell about somebody.

"Its a shame that Dorian fella, ain't around anymore." Cedric was passing around something to smoke. There were nachos in the kitchen and some Gatorade.

Derrick only knew one Dorian and now he wondered where Dorian had gone too. He sat quiet for some time, thinking he'd been meaning to call him, but this stuff with Josie was a real headache, and he didn't want Dorian to have to listen to him vent, all the time. Dorian always left him messages, but he never got back to him.

Maybe it had to do with the fact that since he broke up with Henry, he just couldn't quite enjoy being completely with Dorian. Actually, he didn't know what he wanted. But it was all so quaint now. Hanging out with Cedric.

Actually, Cedric's place was pretty big, an old farm house in the middle of a corn field. It wasn't that far from work. Of course, Derrick was possibly working more than he was going to school these days. But Derrick was staying out of everyone's hair.

"I can only think of one Dorian, and he sure wouldn't be at any of your house-parties." Derrick finally got in on the conversation.

"Dorian?" Cedric squinted hard, then he let out a laugh. He was high already. "That boy was the biggest pot head." Cedric laughed as if he knew something Derrick, didn't.

"Yeah, right." Derrick laughed as if that would have been wild. That was definitely, not the Dorian he knew.

"No, I'm serious, man." He sat on the crummy couch, leaning back as if he was going let the smoke alone from the homemade cigarette settle through him. "He liked this shit." He just about choked, but somehow came to his senses.

Derrick couldn't help but smile. Cedric was totally wrong about Dorian. He had to be.

going under

Ian thought this was turning out rather well. Josie had a date now. It was freaking cold out and snow in the forecast, but still, it was a dance, and everyone was there in the gym. Even Amy.

"Oh, God." He heard Derrick from behind him.

"Just don't start anything." Ian took Derrick's hand as if he were not to go toward Amy.

"I'm not." Derrick looked a little shock that Ian would hold his hand, anyway, yet he looked a bit giddy about it too.

"OK." Ian pulled Derrick along. They moved toward the punch table, a table loaded with heart-shaped cookies and chips with dips. He looked back to see if Amy were following them in the dark. He didn't see her. He turned back to Derrick who had snatched a Ruffle from the chip bowl. "What the hell are we waiting for, lets just dance."

"OK." Derrick managed while choking down the chip. So they moved with the grove. No one was hugging since it was a Lady GaGa tune. Instead everyone was showing off bits of disco moves that were just terrible and silly, but it was a laugh.  Derrick was laughing, mimicking someones twist and turns. Ian shook his head, thinking someone was gonna think Derrick was a wise ass and might take him out if they watched him enough. Suddenly, something slow was going to start, but before Ian could get any closer to Derrick, somebody jerked Derrick around.

Ian caught his breath.

It was Amy, who was towering over Derrick, screaming obscenities at him. Before Ian could slip between them, she'd already punched Derrick a couple of times. Then in the nose, hard. Derrick toppled down as if he were almost knocked out cold.

"Hey! Hey!" Ian grabbed her before she could punch him again. The music went quiet. Everyone was watching Derrick's bleeding face.

The school cops grabbed Amy. It was all so strange.

Ian went to help Derrick with his nose. There was blood on his white tux. He was hoping they'd make it to the bleachers, but the ambulance arrived instead. It was protocol. After all, Derrick's nose might be broken.

like a winding road

Max really wasn't sure what Derrick was up to. When Henry showed up at the house, Derrick asked Max to stay.

"Here? In the livingroom?" Max gave Derrick a funny look. Max found his favorite seat to watch his favorite crime show. Although, he knew Derrick hated to watch anything crime related so Max switched it to Secret Circle so he could at least watch the girls on the show. He made himself comfortable while he watched Henry make himself at home on the couch with Derrick.

Henry talked nonstop. He didn't even notice what was happening on Secret Circle. Honestly, Henry was not helping Max enjoy the show.

Henry talked about school. About people in Drum Corp. And how Henry wished he had more time to play chess. Did Derrick play chess? Would he mind playing chess? Henry even offered to teach him. Of course, Derrick remained mute most of the time.

Max thought this was not like Derrick, at all. He liked to tease and laugh. And act out how other people acted. Right now, it looked like a losing battle for Henry.

Max finally went to make popcorn. Derrick came in to see what was taking so long.

"Is this a date?" Max wanted to know.

"Of course, not. You're here." Derrick winced hard.

"I don't have to be." Max shrugged.

"No, no I need you in there." Derrick told him.

"Do you even like him?" Max wondered.

"Yeah." Derrick sighed.

"Then, what's the problem?" Max opened the microwave door as soon as it dinged and got the popcorn bag out.

"I dunno. Guilt. I guess." Derrick gritted as he looked around the kitchen.

"Look, if he makes you happy. You've got nothing to worry about. Now, get out there and make sure Henry knows that you're glad he's here." Max went back to put the popcorn in two bowls, one for Derrick and Henry and one for himself, while Derrick got out the diet sodas.